Cheating…!

– “I… I’ve done something.”
– “I heard.”
– “You heard what I did?”
– “I heard who you did it with. From the voice of who you did it to, that is.”
– “I… I want to cure my relationship.”
– “The original one? Or the side-business?”
– “Of course original one. Don’t be cheeky.”
– “Cure, huh? Why? Is the relationship sick?”
– “Listen. My partner – yes, the original one – is too sad. I want to repair the relationship.”
– “Who the hell are you to ‘repair’ it?”
– “Why? Do I not have the right to think so?”
– “Oh, the thought is sweet, dear; but I think we’re a bit off-focus here. You see, mosquitoes don’t cure malaria; they spread it.”
– “Oh, for God’s sake… You know, I get pissed off at stupid moral cops like you. You just seek out chances to mouth off, don’t you? I know what I did isn’t socially acceptable; but do people ever consider the reasons why these things happen? I mean, do you KNOW what kind of person my partner is? So… cold… So… dull… I was freaking STARVING for many things in that relation. I was –“
– “Let me stop you right there. I know you’ve got a long list of reasons. I know you’ve perfected the art of reciting what’s wrong with your partner; and how you were starving; and how you got what you were hungry for when it was available elsewhere; and how all that’s supposed to justify what you did. Alright. Ain’t gonna give you the sympathy you want. But I’ll give you something you haven’t figured out yet.”
– “Yeah? What’s that?”
– “Whenever folks talk about ‘cheating in relationship’, they focus on ‘taking B even when having A’. I’ll focus on ‘not leaving A when taking B’. Not leaving your original partner. Not closing that chapter. That’s where this stuff gets deep.”
– “How?”
– “Let’s see – your partner, A, was bad at things or good at bad things – whatever. Point is, if you were ‘starving’ physically/emotionally, what did you do about it? Tried to have a talk? Maybe, Maybe not. Maybe you did and your partner didn’t respond. You had the option of getting help. Counseling. You did that? Maybe you did a ton of things and your partner didn’t play along. In that case, you could’ve sat that person down and said you wanted to stay true to your needs and you could’ve had a proper breakup. Could’ve closed that chapter; and moved on to something new, which was B. That’s not what you did. You wanted what was available outside; but you didn’t want to let go what was there at home too. Let’s point out that it was YOUR choice.”
– “Umm… Yeah.”
– “And that’s the turning point. There’s a pay-off to this game. You wanted things to continue with A; which means you were getting something from A irrespective of A’ issues. Everyone in your position in this game have their own unique reasons here. Someone says, ‘However cold she may be in bed; but her caring nature is unmatched’. For someone else, it’s business: ‘She is my ticket to meal’. A woman can say, ‘He’s an a-hole but he’s my ATM’. Another offers, ‘My side-business guy knows how to be a man in bed but my husband has a tenderness to him that I, too, want sometimes’. You guys might be married; with an orthodox family background. Maybe there are familial and social and cultural limits to think of; maybe staying within the lines gets you a social status and acceptance and security that you don’t want to let go. Some choose to pay that cost and break the relation with A staying true to what they gonna get from B; but you aren’t one of them. Now, whining about what was wrong with A carries no meaning; for you CHOSE not to let go.”
– “I hate it when you’re right.”
– “You talk about curing the relationship. You need growth, not cure. You acted like a little kid. You had a toy; you saw another; you wanted to play with both. Your partner, A, isn’t a toy. That’s a human. With a mind with feelings. You took that person for granted. Could’ve freed both of you with a breakup; but you played a double-game and hooked the trust in that relation on a peg. Now that all is out, you’re taking your stupidity to next level. Should be focusing on yourself, you ain’t. You’re busy making the relationship look like the bad guy here.”
– “But then what should I do now?”
– “First, apologize to your partner. Voicing out why you’re doing it. Agreeing to the fact that you screwed this up for personal benefits. Placing it forward that you appreciate that your partner is in pain. And all that, without a demand that you be forgiven immediately. And then focus on processing and improving your concepts. Remember that only this improved person has a chance at being forgiven. Get separated for some time. Identify what you want for real. Accept that you won’t get everything you want. Stay true to your needs; but also develop the strength to say yes to the cost of what you’ll have to let go. Entry in any future relationship needs you to bring this understanding with you. Doesn’t matter if it’s with A or anyone else. Give yourself time; your partner needs the same for personal emotional management.”
– “Alright. I’ll do that.”
– “And then, in future, under a cool sun in a winter morning, you two meet again. Minus any memories of the past and any expectations of the future. Just two new people, meeting, for the first time. And check; what it feels like. What’s new. What’s still there. If something you two want is there. If something you two don’t want is missing now. Maybe this new form has seeds for a new and strong relation. Maybe something brand-new and exciting. Or maybe nothing. Maybe you’ll get a closure. A feel of a cycle that’s complete and over now. Maybe that person has someone different in life now. Accept it. Or maybe they don’t have anyone; don’t rush to be that someone. Maybe there could be something; or nothing. You two will smile; shake hands; and take each other’s leave. Start walking in two different directions. And yet, maybe both will stop and turn back and eyes will agree to lengthen the moment… Who knows…?”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

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