The King was agitated. “Imbeciles!” he exclaimed.
The Teacher asked, “Who, My King?”
The King said, “All my nobles. All are pompous rich brats with no sense of social responsibility. None of them wish to spare a single klat for people.”
“Oh,” thought the Teacher, “So you wish them to be socialists?”
“Why not? They have money. Is it too much to ask? But no – they keep complaining about economic recession and no business opportunities. Self-centered rascals…”
“Let’s take a walk in the garden, My King,” said the Teacher.
A gardener was working in the garden.
“Come here,” beckoned the teacher.
“Yes, My Lord?” asked the gardener, humbled by the attention.
The Teacher smiled kindly at him; and asked,
“What do you wish for, my son?”
“I wish food for myself and my family, sire,” said the man.
The Teacher beckoned to a nearby servant. “Bring this man the same food His Highness would have.”
The servant was surprised; so were the gardener and the king. But they said nothing.
As the food arrived, the teacher smiled at the gardener. “Bring your family. Enjoy, my son.”
The gardener brought his family; they finished the food fast.
“Thank you, My Lord,” he said.
“Sure,” said the Teacher. “What do you wish now?”
“I… I’d wish the same food for other workers in the garden,” said the gardener. “They all work so hard…”
The Teacher squinted hard at him, no trace of a smile anymore.
He asked, “Why didn’t you wish that earlier?”
The man smiled pleadingly. “I… I did.”
“No; you sought food only for your own family.”
“Yes… I was hungry earlier.”
“So were those others.”
“Yes; but… Pardon me; my hunger narrowed my focus to myself.”
“Hmm… You’re dismissed.”
The gardener hurried away; and the Teacher turned to the king.
“See, see?” screeched the King. “He thought only for himself first. This is the attitude that I hate.”
“That’s because your own stomach is full, My King,” The Teacher said in a calm voice.
“Huh?”
The Teacher smiled. “There’s nothing to hate about it, Your Highness. It’s but natural and human. That self-centered focus is naturally woven in our spirit. And it makes sense too. One can be of use to others only when one is in a position to do so. One can feed others only when one’s own hungers are sated and one has energy to cook. To prioritize others before the self is saintly nature; and expecting all to be saints is no different than expecting all siblings to be twins.”
“Yes; but what about my nobility? Aren’t their stomachs full?”
“Different people have different hungers, My King. A gardener might be happy with a day’s worth of food. A trader would ask for at least a year-long worth of food. If it isn’t assured, the trader would focus on getting it assured rather than feeding the gardener’s family. My point is, check who you expect to have socialist ideas. People think about others only when they’ve had a good lunch. This isn’t to be loathed; this is to be used to build a productive nation.”
“But does that mean I should assure everybody’s fulfillment?”
“Not at all. It only means you should generate possibilities of fulfillment –whether they make use of those, depends on their wits. Go out. Observe our people. Notice their skill-sets. Notice who inside and outside of our state has customers for those skills. On the other hand, check which skills are in demand that our people don’t have. Create training facilities. And create ties. People complain they don’t have useful people; and that’s because they don’t know each other. That includes the nobles and humbles both. Perhaps the trader and the gardener can be of use to each other. Develop opportunities of communication where buyers and sellers can get to know each other, both inside and outside the state. Let a chain of production and supply run through various states. Let information spread. Once they see it, the trader and the gardener shall try to keep each other fulfilled; for their well-being depends on that bond. Few are saints; most understand only profit. So use it. Let there be profit in caring. That’s when our society shall proceed forward as one nation; that’s how we’ll grow.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Life Empowerment & Goal Fulfillment

#goals #objective #vision #focus #society #social #business #profit #socialism #communism #globalization #trade #government #administration #bondage #riches #poverty #equity #equality #capitalization #money #gains #people #nation #useful #positive #work #employment #industry #communication

– “Is it unnatural?”
– “Is it inside the boundaries of this universe?”
– “Of course.”
– “Then it’s natural.”
– “Then why do people demonize sex?”
– “I haven’t met all people. I don’t know.”
– “It faces so much scrutiny. Why?”
– “Most of us are programmed to scrutinize others’ sex-life. It’s ironic that we forget to be cautious when it comes to our own sex-life.”
– “But why should we, even? IT IS NATURAL, people…”
– “And that cancels a necessity to be cautious?”
– “Uh… I mean…”
– “Remember last month you had a stomach infection?”
– “Yes.”
– “Remember why you had it?”
– “I ate that stale cream-roll.”
– “I’d say it’s more about that you RUSHED to eat that cream-roll.”
– “But I was hungry…”
– “Which should’ve been the very reason to check the quality of that food; for eating poison is no way to satiate hunger. All hungers are natural, my dear. The pain of hunger and the appeal of food are naturally connected. Same as the natural connection between stale cream-roll and the discomfort of infection. We remember the first connection; we omit the naturalness of the latter.”
– “Yes…”
– “Sex is a natural hunger, sure. Flash of cleavage and dazzling smile and well-trimmed beard and rippling muscles – all poise a natural appeal to that hunger. But among that appeal also hide possibilities of pain. There are physical threats such as STDs and sadism. There are psychological threats such as entanglement into an abusive relationship and possessiveness on your partner’s part. Or yours. Sensational appeals of cheating and extra-marital affairs have collapsed millions of minds into an abyss of lifelong mistrust and pain. There are inferior elements in society; they know how to use sex as a trap. Honey-traps. Blackmails. Scandals. Momentary thrills of flesh have turned countless relations to ash; collapsed careers and nations alike; reduced lives to chaos and torment.”
– “But does it mean we should constantly fear sex? Aren’t we all in search for a haven of trust where we can be carefree with someone we want? Wouldn’t that fear rob the magic in that game? Besides, these threats are all only possibilities.”
– “Which need to be checked – for possibilities have a nasty habit of turning to actualities if one is ignorant. Pain isn’t the price of food; it’s the price of rushing to that food without checking it. Sexual satisfaction is the sweetest satiation of one’s hunger; but it very well could be the trigger to the bitterest episode in one’s life, if what’s available isn’t scrutinized. Remember that it’s never a one-man-show; there’s a whole different person involved in it; with a different personality; and nature; and ideas; and purpose. You can’t control that person; you can control only yourself; and that’s why you’re entitled to make sure the two of you are giving each other a safe space to sate your hungers. Some of us don’t make use of that entitlement in the rush of lust; that’s when sex turns to a demon. Before opening bodies, open eyes and ears. Awareness should always be above emotion. For only that shows us with whom we can build that safe haven of fulfillment. To be carefree, first be careful.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#sex #desire #passion #affair #relationship #love #onenightstand #friendswithbenefits #extramarital #cheating #caution #awareness #care #understanding #thoughtful #careful #selfhelp

The lamb was “emotional”.
The breakup was recent.
It had been in multiple relationships in past. None of which had worked. The partners were to be blamed, of course. Apparently, nobody could “understand” the lamb’s emotions. Silly, all of them. Wasn’t it their duty to correctly guess what the lamb wanted? Especially when the lamb had said nothing? And shouldn’t they be able to understand the lamb’s logic? Especially when the lamb’s angry and irritated speech carried no logical meaning? Shouldn’t they have known it’s all excusable, since the lamb was “emotional”?

The point is, the lamb was unhappy.
For one version of this story, the lamb was beautiful and young. For another version of this story, the lamb was handsome and rich. And for both versions, it was vulnerable – sorry, “emotional”.

The wolf was a patient creature.
Hungry; but it knew how to use that hunger as inspiration for patience. Longer the wait; heavier the desire; tastier the meat. The wolf had been waiting since a long time. And now the lamb was single.

With a dashing smile and breathtaking appeal in eyes, the wolf approached the lamb, stunning it.
For one version of this story, the wolf had great dressing sense and cute hair-gel and sexy beard and a Lamborghini. For another version of this story, the wolf had a sensuous display of cleavage and well-maintained eyebrows and high-heels that accentuated the hip-movements as it walked.
Depends on the version of the lamb in the story, you know…
The wolf said, “You’re so sweet…”
The lamb sunk quickly in that husky voice.
“And so sad,” continued the wolf; “which is maddeningly attractive.”
They talked for hours. With intertwined hands. The lamb found a catharsis – a vent-out.
And the wolf summarized it in a single statement:
“You want to be with someone who won’t leave you; no matter how difficult you make It to be with you…”
“Yes, yes!” exclaimed the lamb with delight. “You… You understand me so quick…!”
They shared some intimate times together, after that. Each time, the lamb lost one of its parts. But it didn’t mind; for the wolf knew how to “show love”.
When the lamb had no more parts to lose, the wolf left it.

“Why???” cried the heart-broken lamb to the wise raven. “Why…???”
And the all-seeing-raven replied, “’Why’? Oh dearie! It’s because that’s what a wolf does to a lamb!”
– “But why it had to be a wolf?”
– “No; the real question is, why you had to be a lamb?”
– “Huh?”
– “Only a lamb would task its partner for its own emotional management.”
– “And what would someone who’s ‘not a lamb’ do?”
– “Oh; a non-lamb would take effort to develop a healthy relation with self. It’d make it really comfortable for itself to be with the self. It’d know that a relationship isn’t a “therapy” to solve personal problems. So it’d strengthen itself. That way its ideas for relationship needn’t be based on hoping for a favor from someone else. And that’s how it’d have canceled any possibilities to fall in traps set by wolves of the world.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#relationship #love #dating #couple #trust #manipulation #sex #boyfriend #girlfriend #marriage #married #husband #wife #breakup #divorce #gold_digger #player #awareness #understanding #traps #predator #prey #maturity #emotions #feelings #thinking #adult #caution #strength #self

– “I’m not happy.”
– “Then be happy.”
– “I should be in a relationship.”
– “Why?”
– “I want someone sweet to come and make me happy.”
– “Let me guess. You want someone cute to take care of you.”
– “Exactly!”
– “And you want someone who won’t leave you; no matter how difficult you make it to be with you.”
– “Perfect! Wow, you understand me…!”
– “And you want someone who’ll understand you; without needing you to explain what you want.”
– “Whoa – how are you doing this…! Yes, yes!”
– “And it’s because you’re so ‘emotional’; right?”
– “Yes, exactly.”
– “You see that window over there?”
– “Yes… Why?”
– “Go jump out of it.”
– “Whoa – where did that come from? I thought you understand me…”
– “Sweetheart, I understand perfectly well. And that’s why – the window. Go.”
– “But… why? Is that too much to ask?”
– “Are these expectations? Or are these booby-traps you’ve set for yourself to doom your chances at mental peace?”
– “What do you mean?”
– “There’s something about expectations. They can be infinite. And according to many of us, it’s not necessary that expectations should be logical. Many have devised a feel-good idea that even illogical expectations are legit, so long as they’re “emotional”. As if being “emotional” is a wild-card excuse to be illogical, irrational, unreasonable.”
– “Is that what I am?”
– “Let’s see. ‘Someone should come and make me happy’, huh? It’s same as thinking someone should come and clean the trash on the beach. Not impossible. Some Good-Samaritans do that, once in a while. But I haven’t seen any social workers blazing with the mission to come to people like you and pinch your cheeks and pat your head. No, it doesn’t happen. ‘Someone should take care of me’, huh? Why? You’re a goddamn full-grown adult. And you went to the shrink; you have no clinical issues. You’re perfectly capable. Then why someone else should come? Why can’t you do it yourself?”
– “I can… But… I don’t know…”
– “Is that mental laziness I see here? Or is it that learned handicap? And basically why the hell would anyone show up? Is that what a relationship about? Someone parenting for you? ‘They shouldn’t leave me; no matter how difficult I make it to be with me…’ Seriously? Are you kidding me? That’s what parents are supposed to provide to kids. What are you, eight? If you’re declaring you’re going to be an a-hole all the time, who would stay with you? Do you realize that you’ve maintained such baseless expectations only so that you can play the ‘poor-victim-of-life’ card and get sympathy when no-one shows up?”
– “That’s heavy. I… need to process that…”
– “You want a job? You go out and send CVs. They don’t show up at your doorstep offering a job. You’re hungry? You go and cook. Angels don’t show up out of thin air with food parcels wrapped in aluminum foils. And you have to chew that food yourself too; no-one moves your jaws for you. You’re feeling dirty? You go take a wash. No-one wants to scrub your back for you. Same goes with happiness. You want it? It’s a choice. You make that choice.”
– “OK…”
– “Life isn’t all about girlfriends and boyfriends and heart-shaped balloons. Get real. Your happiness is your own duty to yourself. Get a goal; work on it. Know your weaknesses; add strengths. Be useful to others; be useful to yourself. Be productive; be constructive; be creative. If you don’t know things, then explore. Go out and get data. Learn new things. Apply that data; implement what you know; be better. Work-out. Run. Hop. Skip. Jump. Do something. You can’t control others; you can only control yourself. Relationship makes sense when it’s two strengths merging; it makes no sense if it’s a rescue-mission. Ain’t nothing romantic about it. Positivity is always there; it’s a flame of a lantern hidden behind soot of negativity on the glass of that lantern. To clean that soot is our task; and the path goes through action.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#love #relationship #happiness #joy #satisfaction #victim #rescuer #boyfriend #girlfriend #couple #dating #marriage #husband #wife #life #self #help #awareness #understanding #adult #maturity #positive #negative #emotions #feelings #thought #thinking #action #mental #health

– “Did I do something wrong?”

– “Depends on what you thought was right.”

– “Have I not raised my children properly?”

– “Cattle are ‘raised’. Children are given an opportunity to grow.”

– “Both my kids are away, for higher education. But they refuse to work part-time, unlike everybody else. We think they could earn some money; support their own expenses; but they flatly say no. They demand we keep transferring money to them. We can’t. We’ve drained our savings as it is for their studies. Why can’t they realize their responsibility on their own?”

– “Oh, they realize that perfectly well.”

– “But-“

– “But a cub doesn’t learn to hunt on its own unless starved once. A fledgling doesn’t learn to fly on its own unless mother-eagle flies high with it in her claws and suddenly lets go.”

– “So it’s us… Should we have starved our kids? Left them out to fetch for themselves?”

– “Oh, no, that’d have been barbaric. And neither do the lioness or the eagle. They maintain vigil from a distance; ready to rush to help should the need arise. But not unless it’s truly necessary. They let the kids have their space for growth. Growth happens when we use stimuli available in our surroundings; experiment with stuff and get useful outcome. That’s not what happened in your kids’ case.”

– “Why not? We’ve always got the best for them…”

– “Precisely that’s why not. You got the best for them; you made it readily available. You two took turns dropping them at and picking them up from school. Never told them to get a bus; not even once. The refills in their pens and the lead in their pencils were never empty; you were there with a fresh refill always in your hand. They knew which brands were perfect for party-wear; and how to take selfies; but your son still doesn’t know how to iron his shirt; your daughter still needs someone else to do her hair.”

– “yes…”

– “You were swelling with pride when your kids could list out all the best restaurants in the city; you were proud of them when you saw them order food online with quick taps on their smartphones. Nothing special about it; they were turning into mere consumers like million others. Neither of them ever learned to cook; and today when they complain of acidity due to junk food, you two rush to their place with medicines in hand and worry in eyes. They get well in a couple of days, only to restart the same foolishness again. They never learn; for there’s no need to. It’s always been awesome to be dependent; so they remained so. To let go of a weakness is a choice; you never let them make that choice.”

– “But they’re so innocent…”

– “No; they’re ignorant. It’s not lack of understanding; it’ understanding without acceptance.”

– “So… what should I do now? And what should I tell my sister and her husband – they have a 4-year-old and I don’t want them to copy our mistakes.”

– “Growth happens when it’s made absolutely necessary. Shorten your money supplies; let them know it’s what’s best for the family; and their parents have a right to consider their own future. Let them know it’s their duty too, to think about parents’ retirements. Of course they’ll cry and whine a bit; let them. When they realize it ain’t working; they’ll begin hunting jobs. It won’t be easy; but survival will teach them how to adapt. Growth is about getting independence; which is about adding what’s useful and shedding what’s useless. Let them face their own weaknesses and choose to let go of them.”

– “OK…”

– “As for your sister and her husband, let them know a mantra: “Let’s do it together” always beats “Let me do it for you” as well as “Go do it on your own”. A tutor answers questions; a Guru demonstrates how to find answers. Shift from a tutor to a Guru, as time moves on. A parent’s role in a child’s life should gradually transform from a care-giver to a friend; as the child picks up new skills and develop maturity to live life independently. Care-giving must consist learning opportunities; with a margin left for do-it-yourself practice that gradually increases. That’s successful caring.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#parent #child #parenting #care #caring #help #self #family #dependence #independent #strength #weak #weakness #teenager #youth #maturity #adult #adulthood #personality #development #strong #thought #thinking #awareness #love #bondage #friend #mother #father #kids

– “You have no tolerance.”
– “I have lots of tolerance.”
– “Exactly what someone with tolerance-issues would say.”
– “What I do not have is leniency.”
– “You should have leniency.”
– “Exactly what someone who needs it on regular basis would say.”
– “So what, that we were partying? Shouldn’t we enjoy life?”
– “Sure you should. But is that what you were doing?”
– “What do you mean?”
– “Is it that life can be enjoyed only at 2am?”
– “So there was a bit of music. So what?”
– “No, it wasn’t music. It was noise. Heavy noise. With DJ and Dolby and all. The kind that you feel reverberating in your heart. At others’ expenses. By taking others for granted. Thinking it’s OK if others are denied of their right to have a peaceful sleep. Which was bullshit. THAT is what I objected to. You want to enjoy? Go ahead. I don’t give a rat’s ass how you do it. But limit it to yourself. Your idea of enjoyment is neither original nor sensible. What you have is an obsessive disorder to cause nuisance in the name of enjoyment; and a compulsive need to call it OK. No, it is not OK and whoever told you so is a f**king idiot . Oh I have lots of tolerance but damn me if someone’s gonna take it for granted. That’s the thing with tolerance – you have to choose when to show it and when not to. Otherwise all kind of bullshit is always ready to get sanctioned by everybody’s inaction; and I’m not everybody. I’m me. I have self-respect; and I know exactly how to establish it. Today it’s you. Tomorrow it’d be someone else, encouraged and emboldened by the leniency you got. Fine if you or your pals don’t like me for it; I don’t give a damn. This isn’t about getting liked; this is about making sure people do right by me. Now get out of my sight before I decide to rearrange those stupid arrogant expressions on your face.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#tolerance #leniency #discipline #indiscipline #sensibility #takenforgranted #society #social #responsibility #rationale #rational #reasonable #irrational #nuisance #disorder #differences #modern #youth #self #respect #enjoyment #arrogance

There’s the traditional.

And then there are winners.

 

Traditionals are sane.

Winners aren’t.

 

The traditionals are good boys and girls.

Winners are the black sheep.

 

Traditionals steadfastly follow traditional ways of work.

And fail, traditionally.

Winners invent ways of work suitable to the task at present, anew.

And win, anew.

 

Traditionals stick to plans.

Winners improvise on the go.

 

Traditionals go by the book.

Winners check the book’s publishing date; knowing it’s also the expiry date for the methods dictated in it.

 

Traditionals estimate their next victory as per past achievements.

Winners know present doesn’t give a damn about past.

 

Traditionals consider what others have done so far.

Winners consider what nobody has done yet.

 

Traditionals think about what others say about the situation.

Winners focus on what the situation says about itself.

 

Traditionals obsess over the degrees they have.

Winners aren’t created in schoolrooms.

 

Traditionals obsess over how others will perceive them.

Winners are familiar with being declared as “idiots” by those who achieved less.

 

Traditionals fear failure.

Winners embrace it.

 

Traditionals have phobia of new failures; they hide behind covers of pride.

Winners use those covers as stepping stones to ascent higher.

 

That’s why, traditional scream a lot at “arrogant” winners.

And winners reach too far away to hear it.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#success #win #winner #loser #failure #new #different #unorthodox #outofthebox #thinking #improvisation #plans #tradition #focus #criticism #judging #mockery #arrogant #phobia #fear #insecurity #idiot #pride #obsession #social #invention #achievement #gains #victory #results

 

Rush to eat, if you must.

But do check who’s offering the plate.

Some will join you.

Not all do.

Check if they’re busy to serve.

Or are they disposing of spoilt leftovers.

 

Rush to climb, if you must.

But do check who built the stairs.

All stairs take us up.

Not all take us where we’d wish to be.

Check if they’re helping you reach your goals.

Or theirs.

 

Rush to get in the car, if you must.

But do check who opened the door for you.

All cars provide shelter.

Not all roads go where you’d want to be.

Check if the door-locks are in your control.

Or theirs.

 

Rush to take the offered hand, if you must.

But do check whose hand it is.

All hands assist.

Not all hands let go.

Check if they’re supporting you.

Or handicapping you.

 

Rush to accept the heart-shaped balloons, if you must.

But do check who’s offering.

All gifts are expensive.

Costs come with expectations.

Check if they’re offering their hearts.

Or buying your souls.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#caution #security #warning #help #caring #gifts #predators #prey #cunning #opportunists #abuse #manipulation #domination #dictation #bully #awareness #self #conscious #alert #mindful #wise #wisdom #independence #slavery #mind #power #will

There are leaders.
There are followers.
They need each other.
Leaders need someone to agree they’ve reached ultimate destination.
Followers need someone to tell them that there is an end to the journey.
They complement each other.
They certify each other’s misconceptions.

And then there’s you.
You don’t follow.
For you have seen where leaders stand; and to call it growth is laughable.
You don’t lead either.
Not because you can’t; but because it’s too boring when fully grown adults need parenting.
You lead yourself.
You follow no footsteps; you make yours.
You ask for no motivation; the sorrows of past are ample inspiration to walk out of them.
You ask for no guidance; you know there’s none who’ve walked your path. Nobody walks anybody else’s path. We’re all alone in our own paths. Always. You know and you accept it.

They call you arrogant for that.
They call you self-important.
The followers mock you, laugh at you, taunt, comment and smirk.
The leaders let you know they’re “disappointed” at you; for you didn’t sort yourself out as per their configurations.
Neither imbeciles realize that you never needed their support; and that cancels their patronization.
You win, so long as you stay true to who you are and stay tuned to what you want to be.
You lose, when you agree that the crowd knows better.

Win, my friend.
Let it be lonely at the top; winners don’t care, for they made it alone and on their own all along.
Victory is meaningless when those who never reached anywhere certify it.
Crowd knows how to reduce your uniqueness.
Not to help you win; but to make you one of them and get nowhere.
It’s scared of that uniqueness.
Winning, is in letting that uniqueness express out.
Winning, is in daring to be alone.
Winning, is in rising so high that their screams of criticism won’t reach you.
Winning, is in being yourself.
That’s why lions are alone; not worms.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#success #growth #progress #development #improvement #betterment #result #win #winner #leader #follower #individualist #individualism #selfism #self #alone #lonely #victory #gains #unique #personality #inspiration #motivation #focus #criticism #judgment #mockery #jealousy #rise #positive

© अपूर्व विकास

– “मी… एक घोळ घातलाय.”
– “हो. ऐकलं मी.”
– “ऐकलंस?”
– “हो. कुणाबरोबर घातलास तेही ऐकलं. कुणाशी प्रतारणा करून घातलास, त्याच व्यक्तीच्या तोंडून ऐकलं.”
– “मला… माझी रिलेशनशिप cure करायचीये.”
– “ओरिजिनल वाली? का ही, side-business प्रकारातली?”
– “अॉफ कोर्स ओरिजिनल वाली. अतिशहाणपणा करू नकोस.”
– “Cure? का? रिलेशनशिप आजारी आहे?”
– “हे बघ… माझं पार्टनर – ओरिजिनल वालं – खूप दु:खात आहे. जे झालंय ते… मला रिपेअर करायचंय.”
– “रिपेअर करणारं तू कोण?”
– “का? असं वाटण्याचा मला अधिकार नाही का?”
– “नाही म्हणजे – वाटत असेल तर उत्तम आहे; पण आपला फोकस जरा चुकलाय. कसंय, मच्छर मलेरियावर उपचार करत नाहीत; ते मलेरियाचा प्रसार करतात.”
– “ए, excuse me. मला ना, तुझ्यासारख्यांचा राग येतो… जरा संधी मिळाली की लगेच मॉरल पोलिसिंग सुरू… माहितीये मला – मी जे केलं ते समाजमान्य नाही; पण यामागची कारणं लक्षात घेतली जातात का कधी? तुला माहितीये का, माझं पार्टनर ही व्यक्ती कशी आहे? So… cold. So… dull. मी… मी उपाशी आहे, अनेक बाबतीत. म्हणजे ना, की -”
– “थांब. इथेच थांब. कारणांची लिस्ट मोठी असेल तुझ्याकडे, माहितीये मला. पार्टनरच्या दुर्गुणांचा पाढा वाचायचा; आपण कित्ती उपासमार सहन केल्ये ते ऐकवायचं; आणि मग जे इथे मिळालं नाही ते दुसरीकडे available होतं म्हणून घेतलं, हे सांगून स्वत:ची कृती justify करून घेण्याची कला तू एव्हाना आत्मसात केली असशीलच. तुला हवी असलेली सहानुभूती मी देणार नाही. पण तुझ्या लक्षात न आलेली एक गोष्ट लक्षात आणून देईन.”
– “कोणती?”
– “रिलेशनशिपमधल्या cheating चा विषय येतो, त्यावेळी बहुतेकवेळा ‘पहिलं असताना दुसरं धरलं’ यावर फोकस जातो. मी मात्र ‘दुसरं धरताना पहिलं सोडलं नाही’ यावर फोकस करेन. हा शब्दांचा खेळ नीट लक्षात घे. इथे विषय खोलात जातो.”
– “कसा?”
– “तुझ्या मूळच्या पार्टनरकडे ढीगाने दुर्गुण असतील. किंवा आवश्यक सद्गुणांचा अभाव असेल – whatever. मुद्दा हा आहे, की जर तुझी शारीरिक/भावनिक उपासमार होत होती, तर तू त्यावर केलंस काय? पार्टनरशी संवाद साधलास? Maybe. Maybe not. तू प्रयत्न केला असशील, आणि पार्टनरने दाद दिली नसेल, तर समुपदेशनाचा पर्याय होता. निवडलास? जर यातल्या कशालाच पार्टनरने दाद दिली नसती, तर तुला स्वत:च्या गरजांचा आदर ठेवून, त्याबद्दल पार्टनरशी समोरासमोर बसून बोलून, रीतसर रिलेशनशिप थांबवण्याचा निर्णय घेता आला असता. आणि मग एक अध्याय संपवून, नवा गडी, नवं राज्य करता आलं असतं. पण तू तसं केलं नाहीस. तुला बाहेर जे नवं उपलब्ध होतं, ते तर हवं होतंच; पण त्याचबरोबर पहिलंही चालू ठेवायचं होतं. लक्षात घे, हा तुझा choice होता.”
– “अं… हो.”
– “आणि इथे सगळा विषय फिरतो. या gameचा काहीएक pay-off होता. ज्याअर्थी तुला पहिलं चालू ठेवायचं होतं, त्याअर्थी पार्टनरच्या कमतरतांपलीकडे त्याच व्यक्तीकडून तुला असं काहीतरी मिळत होतं, जे तुला हवं होतं. आणि ते तुला सोडायचं नव्हतं. तुझ्या भूमिकेतल्या प्रत्येकाची याबाबतीत स्वत:ची वेगवेगळी कारणं असतात. कुणासाठी, ‘काहीही झालं तरी तिचं केअरिंग नेचर वादातीत आहे’ असं असतं. कुणासाठी, ‘ती माझ्या जेवणाची सोय आहे’ हा सरळ हिशेब असतो. कुणासाठी, ‘तो माझा ATM आहे’ ही गरज असते. कुणासाठी ‘माझा side-businessवाला सेक्सच्या बाबतीत रांगडा आहे; पण माझ्या नवऱ्यात ना, एक हळुवारपणा आहे, जो कधीकधी मलादेखील हवा असतो’ असं असतं. काहीही असू शकतं. तुमचं लग्न झालं असेल आणि कुटुंब पारंपरिक पठडीतलं असेल, तर लग्नासोबत कौटुंबिक, सामाजिक, सांस्कृतिक बंधनं असतात; ती बंधनं पाळण्याचा देखावा केला म्हणून एक प्रतिष्ठा असते; सामाजिक सुरक्षा असते; जी सोडायची नसते. मुद्दा हा आहे, की काहीतरी मिळत असतं; आणि म्हणून दुसरं धरताना पहिलं सोडलं जात नाही. खरंतर स्वत:च्या गरजांशी प्रामाणिक राहून, त्यांच्या पूर्तीसाठी, प्रॉपर breakup/divorce घेऊन या सगळ्याची किंमत चुकवण्याची हिंमत करतातही काही; पण आपण त्यातले नाही. आता पहिल्यात कोणत्या कमतरता होत्या याला अर्थच उरत नाही; कारण न सोडण्याचा निर्णय आपलाच असतो.”
– “हो… बरोबर आहे…”
– “तुझ्या गप्पा चालल्यात रिलेशनशिप cure करण्याच्या. इथे cure चा विषयच नाही; इथे growth हवीये. वाढ हवीये. तुझं वागणं लहान मुलासारखं होतं. हातात एक खेळणं असताना दुसरं दिसलं. ते घेतलं; पण पहिलं सोडलं नाही. तुझं पार्टनर खेळणं नाही. व्यक्ती आहे. भावना आहेत त्या मनाला. तू त्या भावनांना गृहीत धरलंस. Breakup घेऊन स्वत:ला आणि त्या व्यक्तीला मोकळं करता आलं असतं; पण तसं न करता ‘मला हेही हवं आणि तेही हवं’ यासाठी विश्वासाला खुंटीवर लटकवलंस. आणि आता बिंग फुटलंय तर स्वत:वर फोकस करण्याऐवजी रिलेशनशिपलाच आजारी ठरवून आणखी वर मानभावीपणा चालू आहे तुझा.”
– “पण मग मी आता काय करू?”
– “प्रथम पार्टनरची नीट माफी माग. ती का मागितली जातीये ते सांगून. घोळ आपण घातलाय, आपल्यासाठी. ते मान्य करून. पार्टनरची वेदना तुला जाणवलीये, हे शब्दात सांगून. माफी लगेच मिळावी ही इच्छा बाजूला ठेवून. आणि मग स्वत:च्या वैचारिक वृद्धीसाठी प्रयत्न चालू व्हायला हवेत. माफी मिळालीच तर ती या उन्नत व्यक्तीला मिळेल, लक्षात घे. थोडा वेळ वेगळंच हो. स्वत:ला ओळख. आपल्याला काय हवंय ते समजून घे. हवं असलेलं सगळंच मिळणार नाही हेही समजून घे. ते स्वीकार. त्यातलं आपल्याला उत्कटतेने काय हवंय, त्याच्याशी प्रामाणिक राहा. आणि त्याबदल्यात, जे मिळणार नाही, ती किंमत समजून, ती चुकवण्यासाठी स्वत:च्या भावना सक्षम कर. या सक्षमतेमध्ये, शक्य इच्छांच्या पूर्तीसाठी कष्ट, आणि काही इच्छांच्या अशक्यतेचा स्वीकार, हे दोन्ही येतं. संयम शीक. यापुढे कोणाहीबरोबर रिलेशनशिपमध्ये येताना ही समज घेऊन यायचंय. मग ते माणूस नवं असो वा जुनं. या सगळ्यात थोडा अवधी जाऊदेत. तुझ्या पार्टनरलाही स्वत:च्या भावनिक व्यवस्थापनासाठी तो वेळ गरजेचाय.”
– “हो. करेन मी हे.”
– “…आणि मग, भविष्यात कधीतरी, एखाद्या डिसेंबरातल्या सकाळी, थंडीतल्या ऊन्हात, पुन्हा एकदा, नव्याने, टोटली अनोळखी असल्याप्रमाणे एकमेकांना भेटा. त्यावेळी तुम्ही दोघेही नव्या, आतापेक्षा वेगळ्या व्यक्ती असाल. ही भेट भूतकाळाची आठवण आणि भविष्याच्या अपेक्षा पूर्ण बाजूला ठेवून व्हायला हवी. आणि, मग बघा… कसं वाटतंय… काय जाणवतंय… नवं काही गवसतंय का… जुनं काही राहिलंय का… हवं असलेलं काही दिसतंय का… नको असलेलं काही विरलंय का… कदाचित, दोघांच्या या नव्या रुपात सक्षम नात्याचे बंध शक्य असतीलही… कदाचित, पूर्वीपेक्षा टोटली वेगळी स्पंदनं सापडतीलही, ज्यात दुसरीकडे नजर जाण्याच्या शक्यता उरणारच नाहीत… किंवा कदाचित – यातलं काहीच न होता, एक closure मिळेल; एक cycle पूर्ण झाल्याचा भाव मिळेल; दोघे हसाल, हस्तांदोलन कराल, आणि मोकळ्या मनाने निरोप घेऊन दोन वेगळ्या दिशांकडे पावलं पडू लागतील… आणि कदाचित, तरीही — अवचित परत थांबून मागे वळून पाहाल, आणि नजरा तो क्षण लांबवायला एक सूक्ष्म होकार देतील – who knows…?”

© अपूर्व विकास
समुपदेशक व मानसशास्त्र तज्ज्ञ

8928183848

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(शेअर केल्यास आनंद ! कृपया शेअरिंग लेखकाच्या तपशीलासहित करावं; विचार लेखकाचे आहेत याचं भान ठेवावं, ही नम्र विनंती.)

#रिलेशनशिप #नातं #डेटिंग #लग्न #विवाह #व्यभिचार #फसवणूक #विवाहबाह्य #संबंध #सेक्स #भावना #वेदना #मन #दुरावा #relationship #dating #boyfriend #girlfriend #marriage #husband #wife #extramarital #affair #sex #adultery #cheating

– “What is a relation?”

– “It’s a reciprocation.”

– “Of what?”

– “Of what’s offered.”

– “Like, love, care, respect?”

– “And hate, pain and indifference.”

– “What makes a relation strong?”

– “Promptness of that reciprocation.”

– “But isn’t love supposed to be unconditional?”

– “That’s devotion, not relation.”

– “But that promptness wouldn’t always be possible.”

– “Which makes it all the more essential for it to be there when it’s possible.”

– “But what if we don’t see what’s offered for some reason? Or what needs to be offered from our end? What if we’re too busy to notice? What if we’re preoccupied in work and stuff?”

– “Question is, are we using that as an excuse for our decided blindness and a childish wish to keep taking love without giving it? Question is, is that how we’re taking our loved ones for granted? Question is, are we too lazy to give love and calling ourselves too busy so as to hide that?”

– “Yes… maybe. But sometimes it’s really not possible.”

– “Then we can hope our loved ones become devotees rather than relatives; and let’s not blame them if they don’t. Let’s not complain later for the lack of love in life; for we reap only what we sow. If we sowed nothing in the farm, we have to depend on the occasional berries available once in a while in the forest; and that’s it.”

– “So… it’s a must.”

– “For it’s us who need it. Let’s never forget that.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#love #relations #relationship #bondage #friends #companionship #togetherness #family #loved_ones #care #caring #support #emotions #feelings #thought #thinking #positive #negative #depression #anxiety #reciprocation #kindness #awareness #understanding

 

 

– “I… I’ve done something.”
– “I heard.”
– “You heard what I did?”
– “I heard who you did it with. From the voice of who you did it to, that is.”
– “I… I want to cure my relationship.”
– “The original one? Or the side-business?”
– “Of course original one. Don’t be cheeky.”
– “Cure, huh? Why? Is the relationship sick?”
– “Listen. My partner – yes, the original one – is too sad. I want to repair the relationship.”
– “Who the hell are you to ‘repair’ it?”
– “Why? Do I not have the right to think so?”
– “Oh, the thought is sweet, dear; but I think we’re a bit off-focus here. You see, mosquitoes don’t cure malaria; they spread it.”
– “Oh, for God’s sake… You know, I get pissed off at stupid moral cops like you. You just seek out chances to mouth off, don’t you? I know what I did isn’t socially acceptable; but do people ever consider the reasons why these things happen? I mean, do you KNOW what kind of person my partner is? So… cold… So… dull… I was freaking STARVING for many things in that relation. I was –“
– “Let me stop you right there. I know you’ve got a long list of reasons. I know you’ve perfected the art of reciting what’s wrong with your partner; and how you were starving; and how you got what you were hungry for when it was available elsewhere; and how all that’s supposed to justify what you did. Alright. Ain’t gonna give you the sympathy you want. But I’ll give you something you haven’t figured out yet.”
– “Yeah? What’s that?”
– “Whenever folks talk about ‘cheating in relationship’, they focus on ‘taking B even when having A’. I’ll focus on ‘not leaving A when taking B’. Not leaving your original partner. Not closing that chapter. That’s where this stuff gets deep.”
– “How?”
– “Let’s see – your partner, A, was bad at things or good at bad things – whatever. Point is, if you were ‘starving’ physically/emotionally, what did you do about it? Tried to have a talk? Maybe, Maybe not. Maybe you did and your partner didn’t respond. You had the option of getting help. Counseling. You did that? Maybe you did a ton of things and your partner didn’t play along. In that case, you could’ve sat that person down and said you wanted to stay true to your needs and you could’ve had a proper breakup. Could’ve closed that chapter; and moved on to something new, which was B. That’s not what you did. You wanted what was available outside; but you didn’t want to let go what was there at home too. Let’s point out that it was YOUR choice.”
– “Umm… Yeah.”
– “And that’s the turning point. There’s a pay-off to this game. You wanted things to continue with A; which means you were getting something from A irrespective of A’ issues. Everyone in your position in this game have their own unique reasons here. Someone says, ‘However cold she may be in bed; but her caring nature is unmatched’. For someone else, it’s business: ‘She is my ticket to meal’. A woman can say, ‘He’s an a-hole but he’s my ATM’. Another offers, ‘My side-business guy knows how to be a man in bed but my husband has a tenderness to him that I, too, want sometimes’. You guys might be married; with an orthodox family background. Maybe there are familial and social and cultural limits to think of; maybe staying within the lines gets you a social status and acceptance and security that you don’t want to let go. Some choose to pay that cost and break the relation with A staying true to what they gonna get from B; but you aren’t one of them. Now, whining about what was wrong with A carries no meaning; for you CHOSE not to let go.”
– “I hate it when you’re right.”
– “You talk about curing the relationship. You need growth, not cure. You acted like a little kid. You had a toy; you saw another; you wanted to play with both. Your partner, A, isn’t a toy. That’s a human. With a mind with feelings. You took that person for granted. Could’ve freed both of you with a breakup; but you played a double-game and hooked the trust in that relation on a peg. Now that all is out, you’re taking your stupidity to next level. Should be focusing on yourself, you ain’t. You’re busy making the relationship look like the bad guy here.”
– “But then what should I do now?”
– “First, apologize to your partner. Voicing out why you’re doing it. Agreeing to the fact that you screwed this up for personal benefits. Placing it forward that you appreciate that your partner is in pain. And all that, without a demand that you be forgiven immediately. And then focus on processing and improving your concepts. Remember that only this improved person has a chance at being forgiven. Get separated for some time. Identify what you want for real. Accept that you won’t get everything you want. Stay true to your needs; but also develop the strength to say yes to the cost of what you’ll have to let go. Entry in any future relationship needs you to bring this understanding with you. Doesn’t matter if it’s with A or anyone else. Give yourself time; your partner needs the same for personal emotional management.”
– “Alright. I’ll do that.”
– “And then, in future, under a cool sun in a winter morning, you two meet again. Minus any memories of the past and any expectations of the future. Just two new people, meeting, for the first time. And check; what it feels like. What’s new. What’s still there. If something you two want is there. If something you two don’t want is missing now. Maybe this new form has seeds for a new and strong relation. Maybe something brand-new and exciting. Or maybe nothing. Maybe you’ll get a closure. A feel of a cycle that’s complete and over now. Maybe that person has someone different in life now. Accept it. Or maybe they don’t have anyone; don’t rush to be that someone. Maybe there could be something; or nothing. You two will smile; shake hands; and take each other’s leave. Start walking in two different directions. And yet, maybe both will stop and turn back and eyes will agree to lengthen the moment… Who knows…?”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#love #relation #relationship #dating #romance #adultery #cheating #boyfriend #girlfriend #marriage #husband #wife #breakup #divorce #extramarital #affair #lust #sex #awareness #understanding #growth #happiness #pain #hurt #counseling #therapy

The lands were rich.

The people were at peace.

One day, a messenger came with news. Changed everything.

“An invasion,” he warned all. “The neighbor state is a slave now,” he informed all.

“And we are next.”

 

The invader was known for his cunning nature.

The people knew no fight.

One of them was a rich businessman.

He said, “It’s time to unite with our enemy’s enemy; our other neighbors. In unity, we have strength.”

His words were rewarded with anger.

“Who are you to tell us, you rich brat?” said the townsfolk. “What do you know but business? Our neighbors follow a different faith. Siding with them is a sin for us.”

All agreed that a businessman was no source of wisdom in hard times.

So they turned to the priests.

One of them was called a “good man”.

They said, “He’d save us. We’ll follow him.”

And he agreed.

 

Not that he knew how to lead.

But he believed nature would reward his goodness with wisdom.

And one day, an old man in white garbs came in town.

Kindness in his words; sweetness in his voice.

The Leader let him know about the incoming invasion.

And asked, “Show us a way.”

The saintly one said, “Oh, do you not know what the cruel invader wants? He wants all of you to turn to his faith. Distance yourself from him, for the greater good of our religion.”

The Leader said, “Sure, a noble cause, O Wise One; but that’d demand us to part with our lands and farms and waters.”

The man in white smiled the most charming of smiles. “There’s no victory without sacrifice, my child. Haven’t you read the ancient texts? Do you not know the nobility in sacrifices? What are mere lands? Do you not know the purity of our religion is worth sacrificing life for?”

It was wisdom they didn’t understand; and that made it “sacred”.

All bowing to it, they all left the town.

The next day, the invader came to town and declared it a part of his rule, shedding not a drop of blood.

The man in white received his payment for his special services in gold.

“Stupid fools,” he said, laughing; “They bargained these rich lands and waters for their religion; only for I told them it was noble to sacrifice for religion. Fools never realized that the only religion of refugees is hunger. They will die for that stupidity.”

 

Moral of the Story: When someone asks a sacrifice out of you, check two things: Check who they are. And check how they relate with what they ask you to sacrifice. Not all sacrifices are noble. Don’t fall prey to the sentimentalism of sacrifice. Stay real. Check the outcomes of a sacrifice before you make one. Check if those outcomes are practical and sound; check if they actually lead to anything better than today. Don’t let the cunning fool you into helping expand their empires.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#sacrifice #loss #profit #cunning #wicked #saints #deception #war #wisdom #trick #trap #predators #preys #people #society #awareness #noble #nobility #leader #follower #thought #thinking #sentiment #feelings #goodness

 

– “…But I’m a lion, mother…”
– “No, you’re a cub of a lion.”
– “But one day I’ll grow up.”
– “In age. That doesn’t make a lion out of us.”
– “Then what does?”
– “The independence. The growth into it. The evolution into it. We depend on no-one. We aren’t vultures who wait for someone else to make a hunt; we don’t wait for the rots of someone else’s meal. We aren’t hyenas who steal someone else’s game. We aren’t lizards who need camouflage of nature to make a hunt. We hunt on our own and out in the open. We chase our prey; we outrun it; we outsmart it; we outfight it. And we own it. That’s how we hunt; that’s how we live. That independence, that attitude, that approach makes lions out of us. We dedicate ourselves to that self-sufficiency. We are lions; for we will to be ones. We work on it.”
– “I’m sad that you’re leaving me.”
– “Good. Use that pain. It’s inspiration to become one who doesn’t need me. At the bottom of all negativity is fear. Even this sadness originates out of fear. Right now you’re cared for. Provided for, in the name of love. I go out and hunt and bring half-dead game to you. You know how to suffocate someone who has no energy left to fight it – that’s what cubs do. You fear you’ll have to get out of that comfort zone when I leave you. It’s a self-defeating trap. If you limit yourself to that even in adulthood, you’ll be a coward; not a lion. And I didn’t breed you to be a coward. Your goal, your only true goal, is to be independent. In all walks of life. Let it be nutrition for body or nurture to emotions, you need to be self-sufficient. Depend on no-one. Your reward will be strength of body and mind the likes of which none other know. Grow, my child. If you fear my absence, then become me.”
– “I’m not as strong as you.”
– “No. You aren’t. You’re stronger. And that’s what life is about, for us who wish to live free. We don’t find strengths; we unlock them. They’re within. Your win is inside you. To win, be that win.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#goal #objective #aim #target #dreams #ambition #aspiration #inspiration #motivation #win #winner #lion #growth #development #improvement #progress #effort #fight #survival #adaptation #dedication #achievement #accomplishment #fulfillment #independence #freedom

He was a stable-boy. She was princess.
He was humble. She was royal.
He was wishful. She was beautiful.
He loved her. She loved the idea that he’d try to ‘win’ her.

When he came courting,
She said, “You’re but a poor man.”
He said, “I’m rich at heart.”
She said, “Prove your love.’
He said, “Tell me how, my love.”
She said, “Buy me a dress of my choice.”
He said, “Show me your choice.”
She took him to the market. Pointed at a shop. “The Royals shop here,” she let him know, smug pride cascading down her face.
He said with sadness, “One dress shall empty my savings.”
She merely shrugged. “That’s the price of love, you naive little man. Or are you saying I’m not worth it? Or is it that you’ve realised you’re stepping way out of league?”
Her words had a sting. It did its job.
Sadness got replaced with ambition, he said, “Fine.”
He emptied his savings. Bought her the dress.

And thus started a cycle.
He’d work real hard. For his ‘love’. To gain a compatibility with her. To be her worth.
She’d point out what’s expensive.
And he’d empty his savings. Each time.
She rewarded his effort with swift kisses in the dark of the Royal Garden; in proportion to the cost of the gift for the day.
He worked night and day. He worked in rains and winds. He worked and he learned a lot. He developed skills.

One day, the princess fell sick.
Her beauty left her; her cheeks went gaunt and lips lost their appeal.
The Royal Herb Gatherer said, “The Royal food is too spicy. The princess needs humble potato mash.”
The Royals knew nothing of it; but the princess did. “The stable-boy’s home,” she muttered in weak voice. “His family knows no other food.”
“What stable-boy?” laughed the Princess’s maid. “That little fling of yours? Oh dearie… He works in no stables anymore. He got married to the cloth merchant’s daughter. They left for honeymoon yesterday.”
The sick girl felt the palace walls coming closer, as her heart went wayward. “He… got married…? But… he loved me…”

As dismay and confusion fought for place in her tearful eyes, the maid held her mistress with mercy.
“Sure he did,” the maid let the mistress know. “He loved you as per the idea of love you taught him. He loved you with gifts when you let him know that was the way to your lips. Your beauty knew no bounds; but you trained him to put a price on it with the price-tags on gifts. Now pink has left your lips and cracks have formed on them. The beauty has left, my princess; and the price has come down. He has the merchant’s daughter now; none different than you. What’s different, is him, with his new skills and better earnings. Now, he has possibilities of saying yes to bigger price-tags for bigger gifts for a better beauty. One day she’ll be sick too; and he’ll find someone who isn’t.”

“That bastard man… But is that all I am? Or I was?” the princess asked, “A mere… beautiful object? Not a human?”

“Sure you are, Your Grace,” said the maid, “but that’s not how you presented yourself. We get seen none better than what we see ourselves as, dearie. None better. You wanted him to ‘win’ you. What are you, a trophy? Don’t like it when someone objectifies us? Better stop objectifying ourselves. What that boy did to you was undeniably evil, of course; but what you did to yourself was disgusting. Heal, my princess. Get better. And don’t make this mistake again. There’s much more to you than your beauty. Don’t let your own looks blind you to your inner potential. Present that potential; it’ll shine brighter than your looks.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#high_maintenance #girls #woman #relationship #gold_digger #trophy_wife

– “Hello, Teacher.”
– “My Child. You look… sad.”
– “Yes. I am sad.”
– “May I know why?”
– “Have I not sacrificed enough?”
– “What for?”
– “My goals. Despite of my sacrifices, I’m still away from them. Have I not agreed to sufficient subtractions in my life? Have I not distanced myself enough from pleasures and indulgences? My friends? My family? My wishes? My desires? What more do I need to lose?”
– “Funny that you ask. Do you see that caterpillar under that branch?”
– “Yes. What about it?”
– “It’s about to isolate itself into its cocoon. It shall distance itself from all pleasures of outside world. No more food. No more freedom. No more contact with external joys. See any similarities?”
– “Yes. It’s like me. Making a ton of sacrifices. To fly high as a butterfly one day. And it will. But what about me?”
– “You too shall fly high; provided you consider what happens inside that cocoon. Outside world sees a huge sacrifice in the process. But that’s not all. In fact, what’s sacrificed is a mere reflection of what’s accepted. THAT, my child, is the focus of growth.”
– “And what’s accepted?”
– “A methodic self-transformation. The caterpillar shall spend all its time now in a versatile effort to know its weaknesses; work on those weaknesses; gain new strengths and grow. It’s not mere growth; it’s evolution. It’s growth in all segments of life. The effort shall be gradual and consistent. Newly added strengths shall be invested back into the effort to reach forward more than before; and adapt to a future yet to come. That caterpillar has something for us to learn, about sacrifices.”
– “Which is?”
– “It agrees to the sacrifices only because it has something better to do. It has a plan of constructive action to invest time into. It knows it can either remain a worm or work on an ability to fly; it can’t do both at the same time. Hence the sacrifices.”
– “I see…”
– “My child, you have a big list of what you have sacrificed. Appreciable; but it’s not the point of focus. Not at all. What you need more, is a list of methodic action, instead. There’s volume to your agreed loss; but is there structure to your agreed effort? It’s not what we sacrifice; it’s what we do instead, that gets us results. The sacrifice is merely of a time which is diverted to constructive action rather than indulgent one. There’s a plan here. A composition of consciously taken action. That’s what you need, my Child. When you use time, space and resources to the fullest, you’ll transform yourself into your success; and fly out of this work-space as a colourful butterfly. To fly high, work deep.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#success #growth #goals #objective #aim #ambition #inspiration #motivation #aspiration #challenge #effort #sacrifice #loss #gain #struggle #focus #dedication #achievement #accomplishment #transformation #fulfillment #progress #development #choice #improvement

– “You should excuse it.”
– “Why?”
– “It’s no big deal.”
– “How come?”
– “This is their first time. Try to understand.”
– “Tell me something. Did it happen to you?”
– “Something like it has-”
– “No, not ‘something’ like it. This exact thing. From these specific people. Did it happen to you or did it happen to me?”
– “Umm… You.”
– “So don’t tell me if it’s big deal or not. I’ll judge that; for it was me who faced the pain.”
– “Yes; but you need to understand -”
– “And that’s the other thing. You’re assuming I haven’t tried to understand. You’ve placed a convenient idea in your mind that I’d have excused it if I had understood it. As if one must come with the other.”
– “Couldn’t it?”
– “It could; but nobody can demand it should. For it depends on what happened, subjectively; and to whom. That’s my point. It’s perfectly possible to understand why something happened; and yet to not deem it excusable. It’s not just my logic; it’s reason.”
– “How?”
– “I have considered what happened; along with why, how, by whom. Perhaps what happened was a result of ignorance. Maybe a spontaneous action with no assessment of consequences. A pinch of personal motive with no sense of how it would affect me. Or something that started as a joke that went out of control. Reasons are plenty and I have tried to find as many of them as possible. And sure, most of them can be titled ‘natural’, or ‘innocent’, even.”
– “Yes.”
– “But it’s not the reason that defines an action; it’s the result that measures it. And the result was significant pain and loss to me. Sure, I understand; I’m not thinking about dramatic ideas like punishment or revenge. I’ve never been one for cinematic sentiments.”
– “So why don’t you stretch it a bit further and forgive-”
– “Forgiveness is a whole different idea. It’s something to be offered with caution and thought. We don’t always have the luxury of offering it to others unconditionally. That’s ideology; not practicality. Forgiveness has something in common with the action to which it’s offered: a need to check consequences. What if we offer it and they take it as a permission to be as ignorant as ever and continue acting silly and hurt some others as they hurt us? Forgiveness makes sense when it’s asked after solid improvement and growth in character. Not before.”
– “Wouldn’t forgiveness release you from pain?”
– “No, that’s the job for understanding; which I’m done with. I have no pain anymore; I have a memory and an experience. Understanding has two levels: one is theirs; the other focuses on me. I remember the education – something about me made it possible for nature to hurt me. Pain was my reaction; as per my condition at the time. I’m working on replacing that weakness with strength. That’s solely my job, on my own. I use pain; it’s how I cancel it. It has nothing to do with them; and I don’t need forgiveness as a tool to soothen myself. I don’t want medicine; I want growth. In me. And I’d suggest the same to them too. So I understand them; and I do not excuse.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#forgive #forgiveness #apology #excuse #innocence #ignorance #awareness #understanding #immature #maturity #sensibility #sensitive #pain #hurt #loss #significance #ideal #ideology #practicality #consequences

Personality is not a constant.
It’s a variable. It changes.
It’s a reaction given to present stimuli.
People. Situations. Incidences.
They change, and they change us.
They differ, and they bring out a different we out of us.

But this isn’t a one-way traffic.
Universe has a cyclic nature to all its elements.
Causes are effects too.
For results become reasons too.
The change in us isn’t just a result of change in things. It’s also the reason for the same.

Life works like a radio.
Stations have their own frequencies.
We get to hear the music as per the frequency WE tune to.
What’s happening to us at present has a frequency. And it’s happening to us only because WE are tuned to that frequency.
Positivity attracts positivity.
Negativity attracts negativity.

It’s commanded by three ideas, defined as “Vichar”, “Ucchar”, and “Achar”, in Sanskrit.
Vichar means thought.
Ucchar means pronunciation; vocalization; dialogue; communication.
Achar means action.
These are the keys for us to shift frequencies.

The master-key, however, is conscious awareness.
How we think, defines us.
How we speak, disciplines us.
How we act, measures us.

Sorrows and troubles originate from the part of ourselves we leave unconscious. Unconsciousness means living life by a script, a pattern; repetition of thinking and speaking and acting in the same fashion, with no awareness of what it leads to. Cultural conditioning, unprocessed childhood beliefs, tradition, phobia, prejudices and biases, stereotyping, hate and resentment, insecurity and defense mechanisms aid to this unconsciousness; keep us sedentary.

Consciousness means being aware of a choice. A choice that says we can see people and things as they are at present; that we do not need to superimpose past experience on present; that we can respect the freshness of the present and respond to it equally fresh; that we can stay true to our goals and stay alert to elements in present situation that can help us get there.
Consciousness means staying true to the fact that life is in our control and it’s our responsibility to check what we attract in it.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#life #reaction #response #situation #circumstances #awareness #consciousness #unconscious #mind #mentality #mindset #approach #attitude #script #dialogue #communication #thought #positive #negative #thinking #action #goals #winner #success

“I pleaded for justice.
I thought I was innocent.
Turns out, crowd doesn’t care for justice.
It’s opportunity to punish that it seeks.

“I pleaded my case.
I thought reason would suffice.
Turns out, crowd doesn’t care for reason.
It’s sensation that it seeks.

“I pleaded for investigation.
I thought truth shall help me out.
Turns out, crowd has no love for truth.
It’s the ease of turning perceptions to truth it seeks.

“I pleaded for witnesses.
I thought eye-witnesses would stand by me.
Turns out, crowd has a way of turning witnesses.
It’s the safety of mob sentiment that truth also seeks.

“I pleaded with logic and rationale.
I thought it would trump my opposition’s argument.
Turns out, crowd was never in mood for rationale.
It’s the dramatization the crowd seeks.

“I learned my lesson.
I thought I needed the crowd’s verdict.
Turns out, crowd disperses when you stay firm,
On getting justice rather than asking for it.
It’s my life and my justice; crowd has no place here,
Not with the sensationalism it reeks.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist

#crowd #mob #mentality #justice #society #verdict #punishment #investigation #logic #reason #rationale #truth #perception #sensationalism #entertainment #pleading #guilty #accused #victim #culprit #criminal #social #psychology #sociology #human #maturity #innocence #cunning

© अपूर्व विकास

*दिवस पहिला*
ध्येय निश्चित आहे तुमचं.
मित्र कौतुक पाहायला आलेत.
दुनियेला तुम्ही जिवंत आहात हे माहीत नाही; तो भाग वेगळा.

*दिवस दुसरा*
मित्र प्रोत्साहन देतायत.
बाकीचे साफ दुर्लक्ष करतायत.

*दिवस दहावा*
मित्रांना तुम्ही जिवंत आहात हे आठवत नाही.
इतरांना मात्र आता तुमचं अस्तित्व जाणवायला लागलंय.

*दिवस तिसावा*
मित्रच अस्तित्वात नसल्यासारखे.
दुनियेने मात्र आता ऐसपैस लायकी काढणारं हसणं, कमेंट मारणं, टोमणे देणं, माप काढणाऱ्या नजरा देणं, समीक्षेने ओतप्रोत बरबटलेले शब्द फेकणं, वगैरे उद्योग आरंभलेत, छानपैकी. मेसेज क्लिअर आहे: “आम्ही तिरस्कार करतोय.” म्हणजे, “खरंतर तुझं रोजचं इथे येणं, तुझं मन लावून शरीर झिजवणं, तुझी जिद्द, सातत्य, महत्वाकांक्षेशी प्रामाणिक राहून स्वत:च्या कमतरतांशी आरंभलेलं तुझं हे युद्ध, याने आम्ही असुरक्षित झालोय; ती भीती डायरेक्ट व्यक्त करता येत नाही, म्हणून मत्सरात गुंडाळून सादर करतोय…”

*दिवस शंभर-पाचशे-हजार…*
तुमच्या कष्टाचं फळ मिळू लागलंय; त्याचे पडसाद दूरवर उमटतायत. आप्तेष्टांना नव्याने जाणीव झाल्ये, तुमच्या अस्तित्वाची अन् उद्दिष्टाची. “आईशप्पथ, तू अजून त्यात आहेस? ग्रेट!” वगैरे. त्यापलीकडे काही नाही. साहजिकच आहे. कशाला कोण थांबेल? कामं आहेत, काळज्या आहेत, कुटूंब चालवायच्येत…

दुनियेचे आता तीन गृप पडलेत.
एक गृप सूममध्ये असतो हल्ली. त्यांना कळलंय, हे आपल्याला झेपणार नाही. उगाच राडे नकोत.
दुसरा गृप हल्ली नजर चुकवतो. आतून त्यांना स्वत:च्या फडतूसपणाची जाणीव झाल्ये. च्यायला, ज्याला/जिला अक्कल शिकवायला गेलो, माप काढायला गेलो, त्याने/तिने आपल्यालाच मापाबाहेर काढलंन्…

मजा येत्ये ती तिसऱ्या गृपची !
ते डोळे फाडून बघतात तुमच्याकडे. त्यांची स्वत:ची स्वप्नं वगैरे कधीचीच चुलीत गेलीयेत. त्यासाठी कष्टांचा जोर ज्या लेवलला हवाय, त्याची पुसटशी जाणीव झाल्यावर त्यांनी विषयच काढणं बंद केलं.

आणि त्यात त्यांना दिसताय तुम्ही ! मोटिवेशनच्या पल्याड जाऊन फक्त इंस्पिरेशनच्या जिवावर लढा गाजवताय. दुनियेने येऊन प्रोत्साहन द्यायची वाट पाहणं कध्धीचंच सोडून, फक्त अंत:प्रेरणेने, स्वयंस्फूर्तिने स्वत:च्या मर्यादा फोडून काढताय. “माझा प्रतिस्पर्धी म्हणजे फक्त माझा भूतकाळ” या एटिट्यूडने, फुशारक्या मारणाऱ्या इतर सोंगांचं अस्तित्वच नाकारताय. कमतरतांना समोरासमोर भिडून त्यांच्या नजरेला नजर देत गाडून टाकताय. कालच्यापेक्षा आजचा स्कोअर निदान एकाने जास्त असेल, हे पाहताय. कामासाठी दुनियेच्या लक्षातही न येणाऱ्या चलाख पद्धती स्वत: निर्माण करून, यशाच्या संधी स्वत:कडे खेचताय. उपलब्ध साधनांचा जगावेगळा वापर करून वेळ आणि श्रम वाचवताय; ते लक्षात आल्यावर लोकांच्या हसणाऱ्या दातांची खटकन दातखीळ बसवताय. माहिती मिळवण्यासाठी लक्ष चौफेर ठेवताय; त्याचवेळी माहितीचं ज्ञानात रुपांतर करण्यासाठी मात्र अंतर्मुख होताय. प्रतिक्रिया नव्हे, प्रतिसाद देताय.

तुमचं हे असलं वागणं दणकट मनांना उभारी देईल; कळकट मनांना मात्र घाबरवतं. “कुणालाच जमणार नाही,” या त्यांच्या स्व-पराभवी धारणांच्या इथे कानफटात बसते. त्यांनी पाहीलेलं नसतं असलं कुठे. कामाची ही पद्धत त्यांच्या मनात घट्ट रुतलेल्या परंपरावादी विचारसरणीला मूर्ख ठरवते; माणसं बावचळतात ती इथे. शेवटी एक वेळ येते, जेव्हा स्वत:ची संपूर्ण शक्ती फक्त तुमच्या खच्चीकरणासाठी वापरणं सुरू केलं जातं – ती त्यांच्या स्वत:च्या अस्तित्वाची केविलवाणी धडपड असते. ज्या संकल्पनांना अंतिम सत्य समजून आजवर श्वास घेत राहीलो, त्याच संकल्पना मोडीत निघाल्यावर श्वास कोंडतो. आयुष्यभर जपलेल्या विचार आणि धारणांना तडे गेल्यावर लोकांच्या मानसिक अस्तित्वाचा प्रश्न निर्माण होतो. मग तुमच्यावर जे हसलं जातं, त्यात भीतीची एक हिस्टेरिक थरथर ऐकू येऊ लागते. त्यांच्या-त्यांच्यात तुमच्यावर केल्या जाणाऱ्या विनोदांमध्ये, दिल्या-घेतल्या जाणाऱ्या टाळ्यांमध्ये पाण्याअभावीची तडफड स्पष्ट दिसू लागते. कारण च्यायला कोण जगतं हे असं? उद्दिष्टपूर्ती सत्यात उतरवणं कोण जमवतं? महत्वाकांक्षेशी अशी निष्ठा कोणाला झेपते? तुम्ही कसं जमवताय हे सगळं? रोज येताय, महिनाभर येताय, वर्षभर येताय, वर्षानुवर्षं येताय, परिस्थितीकडून मार घेत परिस्थितीला उताणं पाडताय, एकदाही पराभव मान्य नाही म्हणताय, स्वत:बद्दलच्या संकल्पनेची मूर्ती स्वत:वरच छिन्नी-हातोडी मारत साकारताय – अरे, आहात कोण? त्यांना कळत नाही.

लक्षात घ्या, हा डेटा आहे!
उपयुक्त माहिती. कशी?
दादा, ताई; जिंकणं हे norms मध्ये बसत नाही. मार खात कसंतरी तग धरणं इतकंच दुनियेला ठाऊक असतं. या परंपरागत कचखाऊ वृत्तीने नासलेली ही दुनिया जितकी तुमच्यावर आगपाखड करते, तितकं तुम्हाला हा डेटा मिळतो, की तुम्ही असामान्यत्वाच्या किती जवळ पोचलाय ! अहो, कौतुकाची गोष्ट आहे ही ! तुमच्या विजयाची हमी आहे ही ! तिला नाकारू नका. तिच्याशी भिडा. गर्दीतून बाहेर पडणारेच स्वत:ची उद्दिष्टं पूर्ण करू शकतात. गर्दीचं ते कामच नाही.

तुम्ही यश फक्त मिळवत नाही आहात; तुम्हीतर स्वत:ला स्वत:च्या यशात रुपांतरित करताय. डोक्यात जाणारं आहे हे ! आतडी पिळवटणारं आहे हे ! विचारापलीकडलं आहे हे ! अनपेक्षित आहे हे ! मस्त आहे हे ! कडक आहे हे ! भरभक्कम आहे हे ! सुंदरतेने भरपूर आहे हे !

© अपूर्व विकास
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#यश #यशस्वी #विजेता #विजय #स्पर्धा #प्रतिस्पर्धी #चढाओढ #संघर्ष #कष्ट #जिद्द #महत्वाकांक्षा #उद्दिष्ट #ध्येय #स्वप्न #सातत्य #जीवन #विचार #सकारात्मक #स्फूर्ति #प्रेरणा #मत्सर #असामान्य #goal #aim #objective #ambition #gains #ambition #inspiration #motivation #consistency #dedication #winner

– “What does it take to win this war?”
– “A will to stop the battle.”
– “Nonsense. That’s assurance of defeat.”
– “Why?”
– “We stop fighting; we die.”
– “I never told you to stop fighting.”
– “You talk of ending the battle but continuation to fight?”
– “Exactly.”
– “Nonsense. Isn’t that paradoxical?”
– “Not at all. Do you know why the two of you are fighting?”
– “Because I believe in the –“
– “I don’t give a rat’s ass about whatever propaganda has corrupted your brain; I’m talking about the sheer practical reason here. Do you know what makes the fight possible for the two of you?”
– “What is it?”
– “You two are equal. More or less.”
– “Huh?”
– “Yes. Equal in strength, more or less. Equal in size, more or less. Equal in wits, more or less. Equal in tactics and strategies and weapons. That equality is why nature has pulled you together. You counter-balance each other; that’s why you two still exist. But neither of you are placing any constructive inputs to the eco-system of life. So, natural laws deem both of you as weak, to be eliminated. So nature made these two equals into opposites. So that you’ll gradually deplete each other and go extinct. It’s Natural Selection, my friend.”
– “I hate it when you’re right. And I’m hating you right now.”
– “I know. Sentimental fools such as yourself dislike it when someone reveals the raw reality of how nature fools you. Listen – this isn’t just about you and your pride. This is about survival. And a meaningful future where mere survival has a hope to level-up to living. Which is possible only by evolution. Adaptation to better statures. Progress. Winning isn’t in fight. Winning is in growth. Winning is in developing yourself into an entity that’s no more equal to your foe. And since your foe reflects what you are at present, it basically means growing greater than what you are at present.”
– “I… agree.”
– “Focus on growth. Introspect. Be real. Know your weaknesses. Know your strengths. Think productively. Add to your strengths consistently. Get new skills. Get new knowledge. Change. Let go of what’s obsolete and accept what’s new and useful. Proceed forward. Show nature that you have value. Show nature it’s useful to let you be, by being useful to others. Facilitate opportunities for yourself to flourish. Outmatching your enemy means turning war with you into an unthinkable idea. That’s victory. Continue the fight; but know it’s your own weaknesses you are to fight. Focus within.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Psychologist & Counselor

#success #goals #aim #target #objective #goal #win #winner #victory #progress #growth #development #improvement #betterment #fight #war #battle #enemy #conflict #crisis #achievement #accomplishment #focus #awareness #introspection #strength #weakness #evolution #adaptation #transformation

We read something; and it connects.

We hear a dialogue; and it connects.

Certain thoughts hit us quick.

Certain ideas connect with us quick.

Certain words make a home quick.

Certain quotes are agreed to, quick.

A part of mind says, “Yes, exactly.”

What does it mean?

What does the quickness say?

It means the idea was already known.

It was already experienced. In the past.

Unconsciously. Long time ago.

An experience long ago turned a wordless thought to an un-worded belief.

We stored it. As it is. Unprocessed.

So when someone puts it into words, we love it; for the verbalization turns the indefinite to definite and quantifiable. Measurable. Presentable.

 

The point is, it was already there.

We had felt it. The feeling was true.

But we left it unprocessed. Un-understood. Un-worded.

Question is, why?

Why do we leave concepts of life spiraling out like loose threads into the unconscious?

Why do we not process them ourselves?

Do we not know how to?

Or do we not want to?

Do we hope to forget it?

Do we under-appreciate our own ability to process an experience?

Or is it that we were told to immediately invalidate and discard what we thought of it; for our wrong-doers didn’t want us to learn and grow? Hoping to keep the possibility of hurting us anew alive?

Worded thoughts have a finality to them; beliefs have a rigidity.

Were we afraid of the loss of fluidity of the new and fresh?

Or are we afraid the truth will dry us out and we prefer the moisture of being un-experienced?

Do we do it to ourselves?

Do we consciously keep ourselves unconscious?

Do we have a habit of self-invalidation?

Do we want a quote or a dialogue to tell us what we already know? That way the truth can come to us from someone else and we don’t have to own the credit of its discovery?

Why do we do it?

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#quote #wordporn #dialogue #statement #word #language #semantics #phrase #concept #idea #thought #feelings #emotion #experience #truth #understanding #awareness #unconscious

 

 

 

“You should smile…”

Sure, I will.

Right after you acknowledge my pain.

Right after you empathize first.

Right after you stop blaming me.

Right after you realize I’m really not OK; and,

Right after you get it that it’s OK if I don’t act as if I’m OK.

 

Because I won’t. I can’t.

And I shouldn’t have to.

Let’s get something straight.

I AM in pain. And pain demands to be felt.

It demands to be recognized.

It demands to be prioritized.

As it’s suppose to.

For only that’s what inspires us to do something about that problem.  That’s how we get the motive to work on it. That’s how nature has programmed us. To beat the odds.

As I am, right now.

That’s why I’m engaged in it; I’m engrossed in it; I’m fully immersed in it.

Because it hurts; and I don’t want to be in pain.

I’m entitled to fight it; spend time in that fight; try to win.

 

No, I’m not apologizing for not “smiling”.

No, I’m not giving excuses.

I’m stating the truth as it.

It’s not a show. Not a drama.

I’m not like this just in front of you.

I’ve been like this for a while now; it’s you who didn’t notice earlier.

You noticed only when the lack of my smile broke your perfect picture.

Yes, I’m sorry I can’t be there right now to be that perfect piece in your perfect showcase;

But right now, honey, I don’t care for that showcase either.

For my pain isn’t letting me. Not for any ‘shows’. Not now.

This is my reality for the moment.

Whether you see, whether you agree, is irrelevant.

This isn’t happening to you. You’re here; but you’re just an onlooker. You aren’t the one feeling this burn.

 

Oh, I’m sorry sometimes I’m making illogical statements.

I’ll stop right after you stop giving irritating and unwanted advices; right after you stop giving me this whole lot of judgmental crap.

You don’t like my face right now?

Stop looking. Didn’t invite you to.

 

Oh, it takes energy. Lots of it.

This fight with pain? Yes, it’s gut-wrenching.

It’s making me find new sources of energy I didn’t know I had.

Which is good, in fact; but then it gets used up way too quick and I’m left with a tired need of finding yet more, new sources.

I want to sleep for a million years.

Because I need to fight for a millions years.

I need all my energy.

 

So dear, do me a favor.

Don’t expect me to divert energy in pretending all is well.

I can’t afford it. I don’t have any.

As I said, this is reality and fighting this war is hard enough.

Don’t tell me to fight another parallel war for something unreal as well.

I can’t.

I won’t.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#pain #hurt #depression #anxiety #fear #insecurity #loss #grief #problem #illness #sickness #mental #disorder #issues #anger #anguish #sad #moods #bipolar #challenges #life #understanding #awareness #emotion #feelings #thought #sympathy #empathy #care #mental_health

 

 

 

 

They asked in awe, “How did you heal us?”

And the soul said, “I didn’t.”

– “Then who did?”

– “You healed yourself.”

– “You provided the knowledge.”

– “I provided no knowledge.”

– “You told us what to do.”

– “I just explored you. Mapped you out.”

– “Mapped?”

– “Yes. A map of your weaknesses. And strengths.”

– “Is that so?”

– “Your weaknesses were strengths, restricted and rejected. I just let you know there was no need for that restriction.”

– “You enlightened us.”

– “No; I just canceled your beliefs.”

– “Meaning?”

– “Thought is a river. To be useful to us, it needs to keep moving forward. Evolve. Pause that river for long; it turns into a puddle. Becomes belief. Rigid and immediately obsolete, as it loses its tune with time. People like such puddles; for we develop a fetish for tossing stones in them and watch how the waves sensationalize the surface. An engrossing game, with no useful outcome. You had halted with these halted thoughts. I just let you know there was more fun in the fluidity of river than the stagnancy of puddle. I provided no motivation; I just unlocked a new stream of inspiration, out of that same puddle. Potential had built up in that puddle, due to its stagnancy. We needed a constructive channel for that potential, so that it could be a river again. I was just there with you, for you, watching, making sure the puddle completely empties into the new river and the river flows straight.”

– “Thanks a lot for being there for us.”

– “Thanks a lot for letting me; for it enhanced my understanding of life too.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#counseling #counselor #coaching #life_coach #psychologist #psychology #therapy #awareness #thought #feelings #emotion #problem #conflict #resolution #solution #help #self_help #group_therapy #REBT #TA #CBT #depression #anxiety #paranoia #phobia #OCD #mental_health #caring #disorder #relief

 

– “You’ve always had a soft corner for such broken things.”

– “They’re people. They aren’t things. They aren’t broken.”

– “Yeah, whatever. I’ve seen this in you since college. You pay attention only when somebody’s broken. You never paid attention to normal people.”

– “Normal? Like, you?”

– “Yes.”

– “But if you’re normal, and if I get soft only at ‘broken things’, then how come we’re friends?”

– “I… I mean…”

– “What’s normal, by the way?”

– “I mean, people who don’t have all these… disorders, are normal…”

– “And what’s a disorder?”

– “Something that makes us… dysfunctional.”

– “Dysfunctional, huh? Like, bravely coming forward and saying ‘I have a problem and I need help’? Like these people you see here? Or, dysfunctional like hiding pain behind false smiles? Hiding insecurity behind false pretences of carelessness? Hiding unexplored potential behind gaudy make-up and branded shoes?”

– “Uh, I-“

– “Running away from broken relations with family members in the name of being an ‘extrovert’? Saving the trouble of introspection by blaming partners and shifting to new relationships one after the other? And failing in each one with the same shock of misery and pain? Expecting stupid things from partners during sex, because those ‘specialists’ in porn make it look so great; and then putting partners in guilt for their ‘inabilities’?”

– “I… I…”

– “Wasting time in social media obsession during office hours? Needing more time to finish tasks? And then blaming others for incompletion of projects? Indulging in substance use? Because, ‘ooh, so what, everybody does it these days’? Claiming it’s something you need for all those oh-so-huge stresses you have? Making sure you add addiction as a new issue to the original problem of anxiety?”

– “I don’t know what to say.”

– “Now you don’t. Previously you did. And the reason behind it too. When you saw these people here, you realized you’re no different than them. You’ve hidden yourself from others; but not from yourself. And it’s hitting you now. It put you into denial mode. You needed to call them ‘broken things’, hoping it’ll convince your own mind you aren’t one of them.”

– “Yes… I… agree.”

– “My friend, none of us is living a perfect life here. Dysfunctional inputs from family and friends and society, along with our own genes, have placed a ton of things in us we could do without. We have two choices. For there are two approaches. We can call others ‘broken things’ – that makes all us broken things too. Second choice is, we see truth as it is. None of us is a broken thing. We are just different rivers, awarded with different terrains of life. Some of those terrains are manageable; some need more work; but a resistance to the flow is always there. All of us are in search for better ways to flow, either in the same terrains or maybe better ones. We need more surge; more life to that flow. And it’ll be there only when we merge flows, help each other out, add to each other’s strengths. But first of all, we need to say yes to that betterment. We need to say, ‘yes, we can’, focusing on the ‘we’ in it. Because, together, we can.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#help #self_help #counseling #therapy #psychology #psychologist #mental #disorder #pain #hurt #depression #anxiety #OCD #paranoia #insecurity #fear #stress #phobia #denial #suppression #introvert #extrovert #awareness #kindness #personality #mind #together #relationship #healing #psychotherapy

There’s valor. And then there’s victory.

There’s glory. And then there’s achievement.

There’s sensation. And then there’s purpose.

There’s score. And then there’s a win.

 

There were three of them.

All belonged to the same army, marching on foreign lands.

They visited the same bar on different days.

One was a brawler. One was a fighter.

And one was a warrior.

 

On his visit, the brawler heard an insult.

He was quick to react.

That trait was conditioned in him.

He swirled and answered the taunt with a punch.

It was then that he saw there were ten of them.

He failed to check the consequences. He paid the price.

He lost an eye and an arm.

 

On his visit, the fighter heard the same insult.

He turned and glared at them.

He saw the ten of them, waiting for a reaction from him.

And he reacted. Exactly as they knew he would.

Emotions. Of hurt pride and insecure self-esteem.

Thoughts. Of valor and glory and sensation and score.

Feelings. Full of sentiments.

He challenged them to a duel. They agreed, of course.

He felled five, one after the other.

Losing his strength to fatigue and fresh opponents.

He, too, paid the price. The sixth one relieved his shoulders of the burden of carrying his head.

 

On his visit, the warrior heard the same insult.

Sure, it had a promise of hurt.

How much of hurt, depended on how much he allowed.

It was wind. He knew it was a choice whether he wanted to be a castle of sand or stone.

He knew which choice was his.

He knew his purpose. He never failed to remember his purpose.

He didn’t react. He decided to respond.

He turned, and to his mockers’ greatest shock, apologized for being a cause of resentment to them.

Followed by praises for their leader and insults to his own.

Happy to hear that, they boasted they were going pay a visit to the brothel that night, to display what ‘real men’ look like; and he was welcome to watch them being at it; he might learn a thing or two about manhood. They laughed hard at their own joke.

He stepped out of the bar with purposefully drooped shoulders; a picture of innocuousness.

Leaving behind a body of enemies full of satiated prides and satisfied bullyism.

Subdued awareness, lost attention. And a lot of over-confidence.

He had gathered useful data.

Of weapons and armor the enemy was using.

Of sizes and shapes the enemy had.

Of ails and indulgences the enemy preferred.

He let his leader know all about it.

Knowledge empowered his men.

When they attacked the brothel that night, their kill was swift and their victory was total.

The townsfolk thanked them in the morning for relief from the goons.

 

Brawls have an appeal to them.

A call, to establish the alpha dog.

Fear and desire combine; boil the blood.

Battles facilitate a possibility of domination.

But do they resolve conflict? Always?

Do we check?

We win battles. Do we win wars?

Do we know winning which battles wins wars too?

Do we know avoiding which battles fortify those wins?

Do we see?

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#conflict #differences #anger #insult #humiliation #brawl #fight #fighter #battle #war #warrior #purpose #aim #goal #awareness #thought #rationale #reaction #response #resentment #consequences #courage #patience #strategy #tactics #warfare #life #attack #defense #offense

 

 

Confession of a Mind Hijacked with Negativity:

 

I hurt. For I was hurt before.

I thought my past justified it.

Then life told me it’s never done hurting anyone.

Including me.

 

I hurt. For it was the only reality I knew.

I thought, “Why just me? Why not someone else?”

Then life told me that wouldn’t necessarily save me.

Especially, not me.

 

I hurt. For they were more privileged than me.

I thought, let’s reverse the tables.

Then life told me I just inspired them to find new strengths.

An idea that had never occurred to me.

 

I hurt. For I didn’t want to get hurt anymore.

I thought, causing pain will protect me.

Then life showed me someone who anticipated I’d do exactly that.

Someone well-versed at managing the likes of me.

 

I hurt. For it was a sport with undeniable appeal.

I thought I had mastered its rules.

Then life told me it’s the house that always wins this gamble.

And the house knows how to toss out rule-breakers like me.

 

I hurt. For the call of my rotten soul.

A disorder I mistook for natural order.

Then life told me, “It’s survival of the fittest.”

I thought I was hunting the weak; turns out it was me.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#pain #hurt #resentment #rivalry #feud #conflict #dispute #hate #abuse #rape #violence #war #domination #submission #torment #disorder #society #negativity #mind #human #antisocial #paranoia #weak #strength #strong #nature #ethics #karma #balance #equilibrium

© अपूर्व विकास

…मूड ठीक नाहीये तिचा, हे लगेच ओळखलं आईने. तत्काळ प्रश्न सुरू करण्याचा स्वभावच नव्हता आईचा. तिची ढवळलेली मनस्थिती थोडीफार स्थिर झाली, की स्वत:हून बोलेलच पोर आपली, माहीत होतं. झालंही तसंच.

– “यांना रडायला माझाच खांदा सापडतो का गं?” मुलीने चीड फेकली.
– “तू खांदा देतेस कशासाठी?” हे बोलून लगेच समुपदेशन सुरू करण्याची हौस आईने प्रयासाने आवरली. त्याऐवजी विचारलं,
– “कोण गं?”
– “ही रिया. आणि हा देवांश. सकाळी आधी रियाचा तिच्या बॉयफ्रेन्डशी ब्रेक-अप झाला म्हणून ती रड-रड रडली. कॉन्ट्रासेप्टिव पिल्स घेऊन तिच्या युटेरसवर परिणाम झालाय सांगितलं डॉक्टरांनी. हिने हे BF ला सांगितल्यापासनं तो तिला टाळत होताच; शेवटी आज सकाळी पडलाच तुकडा. ते होत नाही तर दुपारी देवांश आला तोंड पाडून; त्याचाही त्याच्या गर्लफ्रेन्डशी ब्रेक-अप. तो रडला नाही; पण बावळटासारखा भेसूर आवाजात ‘आयुष्यच झूठ आहे’ वगैरे बडबडत बसला होता.”

आईने काही न बोलता फोडणीत डाळ ओतली.

– “…सांगितलं होतं मी दोघांनाही,” लेक आज्जीप्रमाणे हात नाचवत म्हणाली; “रियाचा BF तर नालायक होताच. मला बघताक्षणीच कळलं होतं ते. टीपिकल प्लेयर पोरगं आहे ते; पोरींना खेळवणारं. आणि देवांशची GF पण तशीच. ती नुसती गोड हसली की हे येडं आऊट. नोकरी लागून फक्त एक वर्ष झालंय याला; सगळा पगार तिच्यावर उडवला. हातात दमडी नाही. आता गेली उडून; हे बसलंय डोकं आपटत.”

– “अच्छा…” आईच्या आवाजात शांतपणा.

– “पण मम्मी, यांचीपण चूक नाही गं… प्रेम करायचंच नाही का कुणी? किती विश्वास होता दोघांचा आपापल्या पार्टनरवर… का लोक असं करतात? का असं भावनांशी खेळतात?”

– “खेळू देतात म्हणून,” आई डाळीत पाणी घालत सहजच म्हणाली.
– “म्हणजे?” लेकीला कळेना.
– “चोरी दोन प्रकारे होते बाळा. एक असतो दरोडा. जबरी चोरी. बळाचा वापर करून रीतसर तुमच्या गळ्याला कोयता लावून तुम्हाला तिजोरी उघडायला लावली जाते. तुमची चूक नसते. दुसरा प्रकार असतो तो वेगळा. तुम्हाला मेसेज येतो; मेल येते. ‘पैसे गुंतवा; तीन महिन्यात तिप्पट करून देतो’ म्हणून. एक आमीष ठेवलं जातं समोर.”
– “हो. आणि माणसं बळी पडतात.”
– “अं-हं. नाही,” आईने लेकीकडे भेदक नजरेनं पाहीलं; शब्द मेंदूत घुसावेत म्हणून. “माणसं स्वत:ला बळी पाडून घेतात. माहीत असतं सगळं गं; इतरांच्या फसवणूक झाल्याच्या ढीगाने स्टोऱ्या ऐकलेल्या असतात. पण एक विशफूल थिंकिंग असतं. ‘आपल्या बाबतीत नाही तसलं काही होणार; हे जे आहे ते रिअल आहे; खरंच होतात पैसे तिप्पट,’ ही झापडं स्वत:च्या डोळ्यांवर लावून घेण्याची हौस येते. तो असतो हावरटपणा.”

– “…पण, मम्मी, रिया आणि देवांशने काय हावरटपणा केला?” मुलीने निरागस प्रश्न विचारला; तसा आईच्या तेजस्वी नजरेत विचारांचा अनुभवी ओज आला.

– “प्रत्येक पोरीला एक बाप्या चिकटलेला असलाच पाहीजे नि प्रत्येक बाप्याला एक पोरगी चिकटलेली असलीच पाहीजे, या सध्याच्या सो-कॉल्ड मॉडर्न सोशल ड्राम्यात भाग घेण्याचा हावरटपणा. प्रेम होण्यात आणि ते करण्यात चूक काहीच नाही; पण आताच्या काळात कुणाशीतरी ओढून-ताणून सूत जमवलंच पाहीजे, असा एक ‘प्रेमाचा रिवाज’ पडलाय, प्रथा पडल्ये, तो हावरटपणा. जवळीक आणि attraction यांना प्रेमाचं लेबल लावण्याचा हावरटपणा. BF अन् GF नसतील तर ‘अपूर्ण’ आहोत आपण, या फडतूस समजेला रोमँटिक समजण्याचा हावरटपणा. कुणीतरी येऊन आपल्याला पूर्ण करावं, या अपेक्षेचा हावरटपणा. स्वत:ला स्वत:च्या कष्टाने मोठं करत, विचारांच्या कक्षा रुंदावत, व्यक्तिमत्व सक्षम आणि बुलंद करण्याचे कष्ट घेऊन, स्वत:च्या आयुष्याला नीट उभं केल्यावर, खरोखर स्वतंत्र झाल्यावर, मग त्यानंतर एका परिपक्व रिलेशनशिपचा विचार करण्याऐवजी, “आम्हीही रिलेशनशिपमध्ये पडलो रे” हे सोशल मीडियावरून दुनियेला ओरडून सांगण्याची घाई करण्याचा हावरटपणा.”

– “Insecurity असते ना मम्मी या हावरटपणामागे?”

– “हो. असुरक्षितता, जी विचार-विवेकाला गुंडाळून ठेवते. रियाच्या BF ला किंवा देवांशच्या GF ला लांडगे, गिधाडं वगैरे उपमा दिल्या जातील पुढे. बरोबर आहे; होतेच तसे ते. पण एक लक्षात ठेव. दुनियेत ससे आहेत म्हणून लांडगे आहेत. या लांडग्यांनी सशांची असुरक्षितता ओळखून ठेवलेली असते. त्यांच्यासमोर आमीषं कोणती ठेवायची, माहीत असतं त्यांना. शिकाऱ्यांचा सापळा यशस्वी होतो, कारण सावज स्वत:हून सापळ्यात चालत जातं. आता तूच सांग, रिया अन् देवांशच्या बाबतीत हे कसं झालं ते.”

मुलीची चर्या आता शांत, पण समजेने भारलेली दिसत होती. मनात गणितं जुळवत, मानेने नकळत एक सूक्ष्म होकार देऊन ती म्हणाली, “रिया आणि देवांश, दोघांनाही आपापल्या पार्टनरकडून हवं होतं प्रेम या लेबलचं approval. ते मिळवण्यासाठी काय करायचं, ते त्या शिकाऱ्यांनी सांगितलं; सावजांनी ऐकलं. रियाच्या BF ने सेक्सची मनसोक्त उपलब्धता मागितली. ती दिली तर हवं असलेलं approval मिळेल म्हणून हिने दिली – तीही त्याच्या टर्म्सवर. तिथे तिने स्वत:ला फसवून घेतलं; शिकाऱ्याने शिकार मिळवली. इकडे देवांशच्या GF ला हवा होता तिच्या चैनीसाठी पैसा. तो देत राहणं हाच बॉयफ्रेन्ड असण्याचा प्रेमधर्म आहे; तेच ‘केअरिंग’ वगैरे आहे; हे झापड देवांशने स्वत:ला लावून घेतलं; जेणेकरून पोरगी आपल्याबरोबर राहावी. तिथे त्या शिकाऱ्याने डाव साधला. I get it now, mommy.”
– “सांग मला, काय शिकायचं यातून.”
– “रिलेशनशिपमध्ये sharing असतं; पण ते विश्वासाचं, विचारांचं, आणि सक्षमतेचं. तिथे एकाच्या भौतिक सुखांसाठी दुसऱ्याने झिजावं, अशी अपेक्षा दिसली, की समजावं – ही रिलेशनशिप आहे शिकारी आणि सावजाची. नको आपल्याला ती. प्रेम करावं; पण डोळे उघडे ठेवून.”

आई आणि लेक, दोघींच्या मुद्रेवर आता एका यशस्वी संवादाचं समाधान होतं.

© अपूर्व विकास
समुपदेशक व मानसशास्त्र तज्ज्ञ
निगडी, पुणे
8928183848
7774917184 (WhatsApp)

(लेख शेअर केल्यास आभार. कृपया शेअरिंग लेखकाच्या तपशीलासहित करावं, ही विनंती.)

#रिलेशनशिप #नातेसंबंध #प्रेम #तरूण #तारूण्य #बॉयफ्रेंड #गर्लफ्रेंड #समुपदेशन #संवाद #मराठी #विचार #भावना #वैचारिक #कथा #बोधपर #बौद्धिक #समाज #सामाजिक #प्रवृत्ती #दृष्टिकोन #सेक्स #रोमान्स #relationship #love #youth #boyfriend #girlfriend #dating #sex #communication #dialogue #breakup #sex #romance #awareness #social #interpersonal #attitude #approach

– “I have a problem.”

– “No. You have a situation.”

– “Huh?”

– “Problem is, you lack data to solve it.”

– “That’s… so true. Shall I describe my situation?”

– “I’m sure you’re good at that description; so let’s not do that today. But do ask yourself a basic question.”

– “Which would be?”

– “What are you doing about your fear?”

– “Fear? Actually, my problem is born out of my laziness.”

– “No, that’s a projection. The drive behind all weaknesses, even laziness, is fear. Laziness is escape from fear and arrival in a comfort zone that allows the actual problem to continue.”

– “I agree. Now you’ll tell me to eliminate that fear; and the problem will vanish. Right?”

– “Not at all. If you do that, YOU will vanish.”

– “Meaning?”

– “My friend, this isn’t about elimination or addition. You can’t eliminate fear. It’s the fundamental drive for survival, right next to desire. However uncomfortable it may make you, it’s there for a reason and eliminating it will reduce you to a mindless robot; which is nobody’s idea of victory. And you can’t add anything either. The ‘unfamiliar new’ won’t sync with the ‘unprocessed old’ and you’ll be a walking paradox.”

– “What else remains, if not elimination or addition?”

– “Evolution.”

– “Meaning?”

– “We don’t solve a problem; we change nothing in it. It’s like a line on a paper. Life challenges us to make it smaller without touching it. The answer is to draw a bigger line right next to it. OUR FEAR, my friend, is that other line. It’s the inspiration for evolution.”

– “You mean… I NEED that fear…?”

– “You’ve agreed that your truest problem is, you lack data to tackle your life-situation. That data is locked in the problem itself. The problem is a reflection of what we are. It’s customized to our unique personality. It fits to our settings. Knowing that problem means knowing ourselves. What we need is an access to the data. A key to decode it. A spectrum, powerful enough to allow us to read that data, so that we can use it to get new strengths. The power for that is in the same fear we feel like we should eliminate. Don’t eliminate that portion; on the contrary, enlarge it. Let it grow bigger than the problem. To have that spectrum.”

– “But won’t that added fear paralyze me? That’s illogical.”

– “Fear doesn’t paralyze; fear gives us wings. We get paralyzed when we don’t use those wings. Your problem is that you think it’s not OK that you’re feeling it. You try to shun yourself from your fear; putting yourself in a suspended limbo of inaction – THAT paralyzes you. You get into comfort zones, because they’re available. Someone or something is there to protect you; allowing you to stay paralyzed.”

– “That’s… correct.”

– “Break those ties. Face your vulnerability. It’s OK not to feel OK about something. Embrace that feeling; irrespective of how ‘not OK’ it feels. Face that fear openly; let it hit you hard. See it as the power it is. See it as the drive it is. See that discomfort as the motivation you need to do something about it.”

– “I agree.”

– “You want a productive extension to your line of fear? As I said, the problem has seeds for your growth. And I know you desire that growth too. New skills. New abilities. New availabilities for life. Add that desire to your fear; it’ll replace paralysis with attention to details you’ve missed. The union of fear and desire will be bigger than the problem; make it the sole focus of your existence. Let that bigger power shower down on the smaller problem. It will break open the crust and shed light on all its inner data. Once you get the info you need, start working on it. New awareness and consistent action will transform you, evolve you. Your problem won’t be there anymore, for you’ll have used it up. That’s evolution.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#success #growth #winner #problem #solution #fear #anxiety #comfort_zones #life #situation #data #inspiration #motivation #evolution #weakness #strength #power #attitude #approach #mentality #mindset #focus #dedication #vulnerability #feelings #emotion #awareness #transformation #result #struggle

 

 

– “But Teacher, I was innocent…”

– “I know, dear.”

– “But why didn’t they listen? Why no-one listened?”

– “They didn’t want to, dear.”

– “But why? They didn’t even investigate whose crime it was.”

– “Investigation has a prerequisite.”

– Which is?”

– “A desire to find the truth. Something a crowd lacks.”

– “Why?”

– “A crowd gathers for entertainment, my child; not justice. And entertainment is a staged drama. Dramas call for selection of actors to play out roles. The crowd knows which role should be assigned to which actor.”

– “Why did they decide I was the culprit? Why not the one who actually was?”

– “They’d have preferred the latter, if YOU weren’t in the picture.”

– “Meaning?”

– “Entertainment needs to be sizzling with sensation. The one who actually did the deed, has a history of doing so. On the contrary, you’re considered a ‘decent fellow’ all around. Someone to look up to. An image of righteousness. The crowd knew both of you. If you weren’t in the picture, the crowd would’ve pelted stones at the other character, finding sensation in punishing a ‘seasoned criminal’. But you WERE there; with no immediate proof available for your innocence. Now, it was different. Now the crowd knew there was MORE sensation to be drawn out of destroying your reputation; declaring you as false hero; a fraud to be dragged under the sunlight. The crowd likes the Holy; but it loves to find holes in that Holy. If ones aren’t immediately seen, the crowd waits for a chance to scream those holes are there. Today, they got that chance.”

– “That’s so horrible and disgusting. But this wasn’t just about degrading my reputation.”

– “Of course not. They needed to declare the actual culprit as innocent too. That was the final part; a nice ribbon, tied around the gift the scoundrels were gifting themselves. Sensation comes in many forms. One of which is decidedly ‘discovering’ that ‘evil isn’t evil after all; ooh, it’s just misunderstood good’. Suddenly, the ‘seasoned criminal’ was declared a victim of the system; a system defined by the likes of you. Once you were declared a fraud, the justice system structured by people like you could be declared false too. Suddenly the criminal became their hero; because they got the chance to identify themselves with him. The way they always wanted, in secret.”

– “But why? What’s in it for the crowd?

– “A major benefit. The crowd gets its own misdeeds sanctioned as ‘white acts’. Suddenly they got the chance to declare there was nothing wrong about those acts. Remember that there is tremendous appeal to indiscipline and freedom to act without laws. Majority don’t want those laws around; because they neither understand the significance of those laws, nor do they have the strength to live by them.”

– “I understand now, Teacher. My mistake was to plead to the crowd for justice. I now know they were never there for justice. My mistake was that I let my reputation become my weakness. I now know that such a reputation never had any meaning; for it was painted on my personality by the same crowd that can easily spit on me and call me a fraud. I now know real fighters don’t care for what the crowd thinks of them, either good or bad. Thank you, Teacher. I won’t make this mistake again.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Life Empowerment & Awareness

#justice #good #righteous #reason #logic #rationale #society #social #crowd #entertainment #criminal #culprit #crime #victim #victimization #innocence #innocent #scapegoat #fight #fighter #struggle #conflict #truth #alone #mentality #social_psychology #mindset #focus #awareness #strength

Monologue of an independent path-finder:

 

Don’t rush to declare me arrogant, dear.

Yes, I’m not asking advices. Not anymore.

Not because I don’t need them.

It’s because asking hasn’t helped.

I asked. I tried.

Answers were opinions. None same as the other.

A force, always there, behind those opinions.

Not an answer. But an attempt to cancel the question.

It’s not my arrogance. It’s experience.

Yes. I’m alone and on my own now.

Yes, I know you hate me for it.

Not that I want you to hate me.

It’s just that I don’t bother anymore if you do.

No, I’m not asocial.

It’s just that, sticking with the crowd hasn’t particularly helped me.

The crowd demanded me to be someone I wasn’t.

I tried to be a follower. Turns out, no leader had actually reached where they claimed they had.

I tried to be a leader. Turns out, no follower wanted to reach where I wanted to.

I tried leading myself. I tripped and fell down.

Turns out, that’s how I could grow.

Nature sent each new injury to me, customized to my unique brand of weaknesses.

I realized that was my chance to develop my unique brand of strengths as well.

I got growth in it. I got God in it.

I got MY answers to MY questions.

I’m addicted to that growth now.

It’s some powerful stuff.

Quite more so, for it allows me to be me, for now.

Quite more so, for it allows me to be a better me, later.

Quite more so, for it allows me to pull that off on my own, needing no-one.

I’m learning independence while depending on my own.

I’m learning a new me without needing to invalidate the old me.

It’s crazy good.

Things are coming full circle.

I started with me finding me.

I’m finishing with me discovering me.

And I won’t stop. I’ll start a new cycle as soon as this one finishes.

Because now, I know the taste of asking new questions and finding MY answers.

As I said, it’s crazy good.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Life Empowerment & Counseling

Nigdi Pune India

 

#growth #questions #answers #solution #problem #solitude #alone #path #challenge #advice #opinions #self #selfhelp #social #asocial #differences #different #follower #leader #independent #weakness #strength #mind #approach #attitude #mentality #mindset #me #you #awareness

 

– “I’m not OK with it.”

– “Check if you need to be OK with it.”

– “Meaning?”

– “Is it hurting you physically?”

– “No…”

– “Is it causing you financial loss?”

– “No…”

– “Is it an invasion into your personal space?”

– “No…”

– “Is it a threat to your personal growth?”

– “No…”

– “Is it a threat to public health and national security?”

– “No…”

– “So you don’t need to be OK with it.”

– “But I don’t like it.”

– “Which is OK. You don’t have to like everything.”

– “But I’m upset.”

– “That’s because you want to be upset.”

– “Why would I want to be upset?”

– “It’s because this game helps you.”

– “As what?”

– “As a distraction. For hiding from the fact that you have specific tasks in front of you, in which you should be busy right now and you aren’t. Or maybe you’re hiding from the fact that you have no life-goals at all. Hiding from the laziness. Hiding from the inactions. Hiding from the expiry-dates of self-convenient excuses you provide for those inactions.”

– “Huh?”

– “Every now and then you find someone like me and start this ‘I-don’t-like-it’ nonsense. The topics are typical. Politics. Something that happened in sports. Girls’ clothes these days. Someone’s behavior in office. Something that has nothing to do with you, really. Your game is successful when the other person plays along too, shaking head and making those ‘tch’ noises. You spend crazy amount of time in it – the more you waste time, the more you stay hidden from your tasks.”

– “But some things don’t agree with my cultural or religious or traditional sentiments.”

– “And that’s the second use of this nonsense. It also helps you generate a ‘moral-cop’ persona which you can present to others. You think it’ll divert their attention from all these things you’re hiding from too. You hope to get their respect out of it. ‘What a great, cultured person…’ that’s what you want them to think.”

– “I feel like you’re attacking me.”

– “Oh, do you? Great!  That shows us the third use of your stance. It helps you project yourself as a ‘poor victim’ who is ‘under attack’. Who is only defending against the world who’s ‘out to get you’. Every time someone sees through your pretences, you can throw this ‘poor victim’ persona at their faces. So that you can go and tell what happened to someone else and get their sympathy.”

– “You know what, I –“

– “Dear, stop it. Give me a break here. You’ve got two options. You can keep collecting stamps such as ‘poor victim’ or ‘unsung moral cop’ or ‘unheard judge of human life’; and keep wasting time; and keep hiding from your own tasks; and get nowhere. Or – you can wake up. Just remember that our future is defined by our choices; and how we think is one of them. You can hide from others; maybe from your present too; but you can’t hide from your own future. It will find you. What it’ll do to you depends on how you’re spending your time, now.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

#time #OK #positive #negative #attitude #approach #mind #mentality #mindset #present #future #sentiment #feeling #emotion #thought #thinking #speech #dialogue #communication #tasks #responsibility #social #society #morality #ethics #culture #religion #tradition #focus #compulsion

 

– “What is a ‘feeling’?”

– “Feeling is emotionalized thought.”

– “Meaning?”

– “Emotion is physical. Anger is hot ears. Anxiety is a ball in stomach. Frustration is dragging feet. Loss is pain in heart. It’s new. It’s fresh. Each time. Initially, when it shows up.”

– “OK. And then?”

– “Then we attach thoughts to it, as per patterns and scripts programmed in mind since childhood. We don’t process the present situation. We superimpose a past similarity on the present.”

– “I see. What’s that similarity made of?”

– “Two possibilities. That past maybe a memory of what actually happened. Or maybe it’s an old belief of what we think always happens. That becomes feeling. Anger becomes hate. Anxiety becomes insecurity. Frustration becomes sadness. Loss becomes grief. Negative feeling has a drag to it. An inertia that prevents us from shifting forward.”

– “What’s the key-factor that differentiates positive feelings from negative ones?”

– “Hope. We are OK when we see a way-out. Let’s note that we begin feeling negative when we cancel the possibility of betterment, in our mind. When we lose hope.”

– “How to defeat negative feelings?”

– “By processing what’s left unprocessed. Check the thought stuck to the emotion.”

– “Anything specific to check?”

– “Yes. Very specific. First, understand what’s a ‘thought’. A thought is a process with a definite beginning and an end. It’s a time-bound function. It begins with an impulse to think. Call it ‘A’. It’s supposed to end with an understanding. Call it ‘B’. But that understanding is limited to that particular situation at present. It has subjectivity. When we fail to respect that, a thought becomes a ‘belief’.”

– “How?”

– “That’s the second part. A thought turns to belief when we assume it has objectivity. It’s when we over-generalize it to eternity of time and space. ‘All men are evil; because my ex-boyfriend was.’ ‘Public transport is always horrible; because my last experience was.’ ‘Interviews are always painful; and interviewers are always arrogant.’  The list is infinite. Point is, it’s the belief that makes the feeling negative; for it immortalizes the idea. A belief doesn’t allow us to finish the thought-process from A to B. It puts it into an infinite loop. Not a circle; but a spiral.”

– “I see. And?”

– “Processing the thought, means processing why we let it turn to a belief. Why we let it stay alive infinitely. Why we let it develop into a pattern, a script.”

– “I guess ‘why’ implies presence of a specific reason behind it…?”

– “A specific output. Yes, it has a pay-off. Of course it’s unconscious decision; but it’s there. We do it because we seek an outcome. It differs from person to person. Depends on what game we like to play. Maybe I want another stamp in my collection of ‘I’m a victim’ stamps. Maybe I want sympathy. Maybe I want an excuse for my repeated failures. Maybe I want to hide from the fact that my own laziness and inaction have kept me incompetent. Maybe I want to declare something as impossible or illogical or irrational; so that I won’t have to try again. Maybe I want more fortification to the beliefs I have already maintained. Even in case of grief, let’s note that one ‘stays’ sad because one doesn’t see a way one can live without the lost person. Maybe it’s more about that one doesn’t WANT to find the strength to do so. Maybe one wants that self-negation. Question is, why. One needs to check what one gets out of it. Maybe with introspection. Or maybe with professional help.”

– “And when we find these answers, then?”

– “Then we know something that was unknown. Then we’ve brought the unconscious to conscious awareness. That’s power. That’s what thought is about. That’s why nature has gifted us that capacity. So that we get empowered. So that we apply what we now know. So that we get new strengths and adapt, evolve, be new, be different, and stronger, and more fit to be here in the world. That’s relief. That’s growth. That’s using pain for a new win. An enrichment. That’s why that pain is there.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#emotion #thought #feelings #unconscious #conscious #awareness #understanding #introspection #mind #loss #pain #hurt #anger #hate #depression #frustration #anxiety #insecurity #fear #outcome #stroke #game #Transactional_Analysis #TA #psychology #counseling #belief #thinking #positive #negative

– “Why don’t you attend parties?”

– “Where are we right now?”

– “In your gym.”

– “Welcome to my party.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “Why don’t you booze?”

– “So that I can observe what happens to them when people do.”

– “Why?”

– “Because they don’t know it; and knowing the unknown is how I profit.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “Why are you so conservative?”

– “How many debts you have?”

The conversation ends.

The question left unanswered was asked by a winner.

 

– “Why do you still live in this dump? You can easily afford a plush flat.”

– “I don’t want a flat.”

– “Why? Too big?”

– “No, too small.”

Then they see the purchase papers for a mansion.

 

– “Remember that guy? He used to go out with all the hot chicks in college.”

– “Yes.”

– “What happened to him? He doesn’t look… the same.”

– “He’s in my employ now. Supervises the reception lobby.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “Why do you work so hard?”

– “Why don’t you?”

– “I don’t feel the need.”

– “Exactly. I do.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “Your dad used to have mortgage worries, back when you were a kid.”

– “Difficult times.”

– “He seems so calm now. What happened?”

– “I bought the bank.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “After breaking up with you, I’ve found my grounds.”

– “I’m happy for you.”

– “I’m the advertising head in a company and single parent of an orphan.”

– “I know. I own that company and my engineers recently built a dam for water supply to that kid’s village.”

That’s a winner.

 

– “You’ve achieved so much. But no pics on page 3? Nobody knows you…”

– “What did you see outside?”

– “A bunch of mentally challenged young people, working. You… employed them?”

– “Their parents know me. I just ate breakfast brought to me by one of their moms.”

– “That’s so great. But… I just think…”

– “What newspaper do you read, by the way?”

– “New Age News.”

– “Yeah. I own 51% shares in that.”

That’s a winner.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Life Empowerment

Nigdi Pune India

#success #winner #growth #result #business #profit #goals #aim #target #objective #ambition #dreams #aspiration #inspiration #motivation #focus #dedication #effort #struggle #fight #life #lifestyle #achievement #accomplishment #patience #confidence #attitude #approach #strength #power

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

– “Teacher?”

– “Oh, my dear success-oriented student! How are you?”

– “I’m facing a difficulty.”

– “What is it, my child?”

– “I feel fulfilled as well as empty, at the same time.”

– “A strange situation, indeed.”

– “Will you help me get out of it?”

– “Let’s first understand what we’ve gotten into.”

– “Sure, Teacher.”

– “Tell me about the feel of fulfillment. Where does it come from?”

– “If I dare say so myself, I’ve achieved certain goals in my life so far. Things I’ve always wanted; positions I’ve always coveted; strengths I’ve always courted. I feel fulfilled with my accomplishments.”

– “As you should. Now, let’s look at the empty feel.”

– “Despite of my accomplishments, I feel lonely. I thought my growth would land me a greater circle of friends. On the contrary, I’m losing people I once had. At the beginning of my path, I was praised, adored, even loved. Then those same folks began criticizing and judging me. I have no idea why; I was hurting none of them. And today, they don’t even talk to me. I’m… alienated. It saddens me.”

– “Have you seen a summit, my child?”

– “I know, Teacher; it’s lonely at the top. I’ve seen it happening to others too. I want to know, why.”

– “It’s growth, my child.”

– “Why does growth remove people out of life?”

– “The mechanism of growth results into it. Growth isn’t just addition; it’s evolution. It isn’t addition of the same strength; it’s the summation of multiple strengths. On the path toward success, one doesn’t remain same. One essentially transforms oneself into an entity compatible with that success. It’s a change. And change is unsettling. For an outside observer.”

– “Why?”

– “An outside observer is comfortable with a known aspect of our personality; for it’s a fixed aspect that’s been with us since long. But growth demands us to change it, all of it. For that observer, our growth turns us from known to unknown. Understanding that change requires a mind interested in grasping that new unknown, to turn it back into known. And most people do not have that interest; for they’re programmed to fear the unknown and stay away from it. Their love for their comfort zone makes them fear that unknown. They criticize and judge you – not to hurt you; but to make sure your growth won’t inspire them to get out of those comfort zones. Hence the judging.”

– “And that’s why we lose people. But… at least my friends and family…?”

– “It’s innocent to demand that at least our friends should stay with us; but that’s where we’re mistaken. You see, my child; it’s US who have grown, not THEM. They’re still where they were.”

– “Oh… yes.”

– “They were our friends because they saw what they could be comfortable with, in us. Now, due to growth, we aren’t that person anymore. Of course, we might’ve stayed true and we might’ve hurt no-one; but our friends will always look at us from their own perspectives. The old and un-evolved perspectives. Hence, this difference, at present.”

– “It’s till sad.”

– “Sure it is. But I’m sure, growth has taught you an important lesson in life. There’s a choice. There’s always a choice. Of happiness and unhappiness. Your unhappiness is a result of your denial to this reality. You can fret over the absence of what can’t be in your life anymore; or you can celebrate the presence of what’s going to be in your life hereafter. It’s your gain; and it had a cost. You can’t have one without the other. Success doesn’t fall in norms. Most people aren’t winners. Most people aren’t comfortable with winning. You started this journey because you didn’t want to be “most people”; you wanted to be “you”. You wanted to stand out. Now you are. Your pals had no such ambition; so they stayed “most people”. Different choices inevitably yield different results. Accepting that, my child, is the next step of your growth.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#success #winner #growth #progress #achievement #accomplishment #ambition #inspiration #aspiration #goals #dreams #fulfillment #change #evolution #transformation #new #comfort_zone #criticism #judgment #frenemy #lonely #summit #awareness #understanding #choice #result #outcome #lifestyle #acceptance #perspectives

Winning is here.

So is losing.

 

Winning is in knowing it’s up to us.

Losing is in assuming a win is guaranteed.

 

Winning is in responding to the present as it is.

Losing is in reacting to the present as per patterned habit.

 

Winning is in awareness and instinct.

Losing is in sentiment.

 

Winning is exploring availabilities at present.

Losing is assuming their presence or absence, as per dictations of past.

 

Winning is in improvising plans on the go.

Losing is in sticking to old plans without checking their applicability.

 

Winning is implementing what we know; while learning new.

Losing is in sticking to what’s known and fearing the unknown.

 

Winning is in flexibility and adapting to the present.

Losing is in staying rigid in thought and action.

 

Winning is in being new each moment.

Losing is in letting past victories drag us to comforts.

 

Winning is in knowing everything can be turned to advantage.

Losing is in fearing the challenge without seeing the opportunities in it.

 

Winning is in choosing to win, anew, each moment.

Losing is in not making the choice to win.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#success #win #winner #growth #result #aim #goal #objective #target #achievement #accomplishment #challenge #struggle #fight #pain #gains #effort #present #past #choice #focus #dedication #commitment #limits #reaction #response #action #positive #thought #self

 

 

 

 

There’s need.

There’s expectation.

There’s an ask.

 

And then there’s awareness.

Then there’s understanding.

Then there’s focus.

 

We can ask for someone else to be there.

Or we can be there for ourselves.

 

We can ask for romantic dependence on others.

Or we can choose realistic self-dependence.

 

We can appeal to others to come and rescue us.

Or we can wake up to the fact that it’s “survival of the fittest”.

 

We can find comfort in self-defeats of self-negations.

Or we can accept the pain of growth.

 

We can write sad poems for those who weren’t there for us.

Or we can focus on working toward not needing them.

 

We can be an individual. Or a family.

We can be a gender.

Or a race. Or a religion.

Or an ethnicity. Or a nation.

We have an understanding in front of us.

Troubles visit those who make it a possibility.

Through ignorance and inaction.

Which means,

Liberation blesses those who make it an availability.

Through awareness and action.

Others aren’t in our control. And what’s not in our control shouldn’t contaminate our minds.

Focus always needs to be on the self.

With logic in thought, we find liberation.

With focus in emotion, we find liberation.

With discipline in behavior, we find liberation.

With consistency in action, we find liberation.

With complete utilization of strength, we find liberation.

With sensibility defeating sentiment, we find liberation.

With firm faith in ourselves, we find liberation.

Evolution is a choice. Evolution is in action.

Being newer and stronger is in using what we’re today to its fullest.

So that tomorrow, we can do better, we can be better, we can live better.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

#success #growth #progress #development #liberation #revolution #evolution #rescue #defense #protect #victim #oppressed #exploitation #ignorance #innocence #awareness #knowledge #understanding #focus #effort #self #caring #self_defense #self_help #strength #action #expectation #pain #transformation #winner

 

This is not an encouragement to war.

This is not an encouragement to grannies to operate 5.56mm MG4 machine-guns.

This is not an encouragement to operate machine-guns while driving tractors.

Not that we think grannies cannot operate heavy machinery.

They can. If they want to. Totally. Who says no? All Heil Granny.

This is surely an implication that taking crap should be stopped.

But this is not a demand that it must be stopped with full-automatic machine-gun fire.

 

The point here is,

If people are giving us crap, we’re entitled to fight back.

And it’s never too late.

 

Yes, sometimes it feels too late.

Lifelong habits sabotage our zest to retaliate.

Bullyism starts with a pinch. A tolerated pinch.

“What’s one pinch….” we think.

It develops into a fist. A tolerated fist.

“What’s one punch…” we think.

We keep avoiding a fight; we tell ourselves it’ll go away if we don’t make a “big issue” out of it.

Except it doesn’t go away. On the contrary it keeps evolving.

Meaner. Stronger. More hurtful.

One day it’ll be an invasion.

And the only way out, would be the Granny’s choice, here in the image below this post.

Would be too much, yes? Hmm. That’s why, taking action NOW is essential.

 

Tolerance has a place in life. With its own measure. And that measure depends on the situation and its consequences. It depends on who we’re offering it to. And why. Tendency for inaction mustn’t be mistaken for tolerance; that’s just cowardice in glorified garbs. It doesn’t matter how long things have been going on. Remember that it’ll always keep adding. We pay tomorrow for today’s inaction. We have two choices. Either we keep lessening ourselves with that corrosion. Or we do something about it. A weed in the farm can be taken out with a scythe. But if it grows into a giant bush, it’ll take that much of a giant mower. Like that granny with the machine-gun. Which won’t always be available. Or possible. Or agreeable. Lots of ethical and social issues, there. So what we have is today. We’re here, now. We have something in us. It may be small today; but like our bullies, it will grow only when applied. So let’s use it. Stand up. Stand tall. Let’s always be aware that we’re entitled to self-defense as well as it’s a duty we have to ourselves. It’s only with a free breath that we can hope for better heights of life.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

#defense #self_defense #retaliation #fight #fight_back #protection #bully #bullyism #tolerance #suppression #oppression #exploitation #harassment #domination #rebel #rebellion #revolution #transformation #growth #development #freedom #independence #struggle #society #action #war #peace #progress #history #aggression

“I hate travel by train…”

Does it mean we hate the facility of transport?

Or is it that we remember our past inabilities to deal with the errors in it?

 

“I hate the opposite gender…”

Does it mean that entire group is bad?

Or is it that we superimpose our past inabilities to deal with some of them on each present encounter with them?

 

“I hate exams…”

Does it mean exams are guaranteed to be tough?

Or is it that we superimpose our past failures on present situation and sabotage our try even before it begins?

 

“Moms-in-laws are always horrible…”

Have we been son-in-law / daughter-in-law with all women in world?

No; so is it that we’re trying to generalize our personal situation to entire world? Hoping to find solace in the allowance of inability, conveniently provided by the “unbeatable nature of difficulty” in it?

 

It’s a Game. We play it with ourselves.

The objective isn’t to win. It’s to fail. Repeatedly.

Yes, at an unconscious level, the failure appeals to us.

Question is, what’s the pay-off?

Answer is, it helps us collect stamps embossed with “I’m a poor victim”.

Answer is, it helps us fortify our “victim identity”.

Answer is, it helps us avoid working on the situation; because “victims” don’t have to, apparently.

 

Thing is, it’s OK that we failed sometimes. But we don’t want to see it that way. We want to have an OK feel about everything that has ever happened. And of course past doesn’t allow it. We fear what wasn’t OK. Sure, at some time we had been truly victimized; but we fear our own inability at the time, more than we fear the entity that harassed us. We hate the situation because we hate our own inabilities.

We know we need to work on it; but we either don’t know how to or we don’t want to. It maintains the fear; we try living around it. It’s possible only if we declare ourselves as “inevitable victims” for each future iteration of that event.

 

Let’s remember that hate is unprocessed fear.

Two things might help us here:

1. Fear can be defeated by understanding what it is. We fear what’s unknown; what’s still a mystery to us. We can intellectualize the process; either by ourselves or by professional help. We can bring the causality of that past situation into conscious awareness. We can get the facts right; so that we get data of what needs work.
2. As Eckhart Tolle says, “die to the past immediately”. We can stay mindful and wake up to the fact that reality is a flow. Past doesn’t show up as it is; the present is always new. But we react to that present the same way we reacted to the past; that’s how we fail. We can choose to respond to the situation by communicating to the present facts. We may want to appreciate the freshness of the present situation; rather than hearing echoes of its assumed twin in the past. Mindfulness shall help. Life is lived here-and-now. Let’s live it with a clear slate of mind.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#hate #resentment #anger #anguish #fear #insecurity #depression #frustration #problems #tensions #stress #anxiety #pains #hurt #past #future #stereotype #generalization #awareness #growth #understanding #transference #psychology #interpersonal #life #living #social #society #mind #mindfulness

 

“I see what rubbish you’re typing there.”

“Tells us your eyes are sharp.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, I’m five feet away from you. Still you can read stuff on my screen.”

“Huh?”

“Also tells us what a sweet person I am. You’re invading my personal space and I’m saying nothing.”

“I don’t like your post.”

“Then stop looking at it.”

“It’s offensive.”

“That’s your opinion.”

“No, it’s offensive to us all.”

“Who’s all? Did they appoint you as their spokesperson?”

“No, I-“

“So you’ve declared yourself as their spokesperson?”

“I’m saying what no-one else has the balls to say.”

“Oh! So now you’re invalidating their abilities too. How self-convenient!”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Ooh, stepped on toes, did I! And what delicate toes those are!”

“I demand you apologize.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.”

“You should be.”

“No, dear; what I mean is –

 

– I’m sorry you have nothing better to do apart from getting upset over things absolutely irrelevant to you.

– I’m sorry you missed the part in your growth that’d have told you it’s not OK to invade other people’s personal space and place limits on their expressions.

– I’m sorry you have personal issues you have never had the guts to work on. I’m sorry you’re pathetically projecting them as common issues of a community.

– I’m sorry; because I can see the obvious root of it all. You lack identity. You could never develop an identity out of constructive action. That’s probably because you have this habit of focusing on others, like now, instead of yourself. I’m sorry all that wasted time in your life has given you lifelong insecurities. I’m sorry they have become your identity.

– That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? A hunt for identity? Absent any individual creativity, you’re searching for an identity in a larger group, made out of some religion, caste, race, ethnicity, ism, ideology, history et cetra. You call it your sentimental nature and I bait you’re proud of it. Sure, you’re entitled to your sentiments; but my friend, do you realize that your sentiments are only the type that gets hurt all the time? How many times you’ve told someone ‘You’re hurting my sentiments’? Have you ever said ‘You’re satisfying my sentiments’?

– The question is, why have you kept it so damn delicate, that it can get hurt over anything? The answer is, it helps you project yourself as a ‘victim’; so that others will see you as one too and you can get their sympathy. That saves you from working on yourself. I’m sorry you think I won’t see it.

– I’m sorry you’re taking others for granted, when you project yourself as this pathetic moral-cop for the group; and declare your insecurities as theirs. I’m sorry you think it’s OK to do it to them.

– And ultimately, I’m sorry you think the world will adjust to your sentimental needs. Uh-huh, it’s not about emotions; it’s about sentiments – unprocessed feelings, purposefully kept that way.

– I hope Nature gives you the strength to fortify yourself; because my friend, the world doesn’t care. People are entitled to their opinions, and to voice them out too. And they always will. It’s up to you whether you want to keep getting hurt over it, or grow up.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#opinion #voice #expression #say #feelings #emotion #sentiment #thought #thinking #insecurity #jealousy #resentment #hate #hatred #awareness #understanding #growth #maturity #adult #mind #mentality #mindset #attitude #approach #domination #moral #policing #bullyism #social #individuality

“Your home is awesome!”

That’s good. “Thank you!”

“Is it really YOURS?”

Why, dear?

 

“I read your post yesterday; it was awesome!”

“Thank you!”

“I saw your name below; but… really? YOU wrote that?”

Why? Seriously, why?

 

“Wow! Great dress! Looks elegant on you…”

“Thank you.”

“And expensive too. Was there a 50% off sale?”

OK – what are we doing?

 

“But that was just a harmless comment…”

Was it? Really?

Can we stay absolutely true to ourselves and say we didn’t get even an ounce of pleasure out of causing that hurt?

“Hurt? What hurt?” we ask?

Dear, are we really so blind to that hurt expression on their faces?

First of all – let’s acknowledge it. Yes, we’re doing it to them.

And it IS hurtful.

There’s invalidation of their worth in it.

And nobody wants that crap. Nobody needs that attitude from us.

And if we want to say it was just a light comment, then that’s a bigger crime, dear; for that means we’re so damn well-versed at it now that we’re doing it unconsciously.

 

Now, the ‘why’ part.

There’s a ‘Child’ in us.

And being a ‘Child’, we want to say it’s “always” cute.

And that means ignoring it when it ain’t cute.

That child knows it.

There’s a reason why we want that child to come out occasionally and misbehave with people.

 

There are vacuums in our own lives. Born out of our inactions. And decisions that missed the target. There are things that we lack. And it builds insecurity. Deep within. It’s been there, probably since school. Our idea of dealing with it, is to run away from it. But then someone comes along, once in a while. Someone who is doing better. Makes us jealous. Makes us look at our incompletion once again. And we hate them for it. So we bring out the ‘Child’. The ‘Child’ helps us degrade the other person. Deconstruct their worth. “You did this? Seriously, you?” Yeah, like that. With the emphasis on “YOU”. The primary payoff is satisfaction of our need to feel secure, if we successfully make them feel disconnected with whatever nice thing they have going on. Secondary payoff is a virtual uplift to the self to an upper level – if I criticize and judge, that’s because I want others to see me one step above them. In Transactional Analysis (a branch of counseling psychology), it’s called “counterfeit stroke”.

 

But let’s face it: in the end, it’s all crap. Just a play of our weakness trying to hide from itself. The only real outcome, is a major hurt to the relation. A crack, that would eventually widen. We get NOTHING out of this.

Let’s stop it, people.

We’re better than this.

Let’s be real to each other. Let’s be conscious of our speech; let it be constructive, supportive of what’s good, what’s nice, what’s positive. Let’s not be sick losers who can’t face others being happier; let’s not be hosts to the parasite called negativity. And yes, let’s focus on those vacuums we have left. Negating others’ worth isn’t going to cut it. We’ve got to say yes to our own worth and strength, to see it materialize.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#criticism #critic #judging #comparison #jealousy #mocking #bullyism #abuse #relations #friends #social #people #communication #dialogue #speech #hurt #pain #resentment #insecurity #lack #invalidation #emotion #feelings #thought #growth #awareness #constructive #positive #inferiority #behavior

 

It’s a choice when it’s chosen.
It’s a decision when it’s made.
It’s a truth when it’s acknowledged.
It’s ours and up for grabs.

They wouldn’t want us to.
They search for reasons to be unhappy;
And they want us to be in it too.
Their stern expressions await attention.
Whether we pay heed, that’s an option.
We can submit to their darkness;
Or we can make our own choices.

They are many.
Some are moral-police.
Some are fashion-police.
Some hate us for being in relationship before marriage.
Some laugh at us for NOT being in one.
Some demand we follow their rituals.
Some mock us when we do.
Some glare at our short clothes.
Some laugh at the long ones.
Some are hunting for us out on the street.
Some want to set guilt-traps for us back at home.
Some shake heads. Some smirk.

– We can try editing ourselves as per their demands; or we can realise that human life is in letting our unique personalities express out, and be happy.
– We can pay heed to “This wasn’t expected from you”; or we can realise we never told them to expect anything from us in the first place, and be happy.
– We can live by rules that lost applicability long ago; or we can learn to respond to situations with independent thought, and be happy.
– We can live by standards declared by someone else; or we can defeat our own limits and be happy.
– We can submit to minds compulsively following either obsolete doctrines or thoughtless modernisation; or we can live free of isms and be happy.
– We can kneel to self-declared police of what’s “correct” and what’s not; or we can stand tall and be happy.
– We can try being OK with everyone; or we can learn it’s OK not to be OK with certain people, and be happy.
– We can say yes to walk into guilt-traps; or we can wake up to the fact that we never signed a contract to play a role in someone else’s drama, and be happy.
– We can reduce ourselves to their entertainment for they have nothing better to do than acting as playwrights for our lives; or we can accept everyone has a different path to walk, including us, and be happy.

We can be happy, when we say yes to it.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#happiness #joy #life #choice #decision #focus #positive #thought #feeling #emotion #depression #anxiety #awareness #growth #permission #allowance #society #relations #people #morals #moral_police #rituals #oppression #culture #liberalism #religion #bullyism #relations #individuality #self

Are you hated for being different?

Or are you hated for you still win?

People are known to hate both.

 

Are you blasphemous?

Or is it that you’ve structured something new that works better?

People are known to hate both.

 

Is it arrogance?

Or is it confidence?

People are known to hate both.

 

Is it aggression?

Or is it assertiveness?

People are known to hate both.

 

Is it indiscipline?

Or is it distinctive identity?

People are known to hate both.

 

Is it your rebellion that angers them?

Or is it your ingenuity that scares them?

People are known to hate both.

 

Is it attitude?

Or is it approach?

When not submissive, people fear both.

 

Were you shunned from the group?

Or is it that you grew and stopped needing the group?

People get weary, when it’s both.

 

Are you egoist?

Or are you fed up of others’ nonsense?

People are known to equalize both.

 

Is your speech immature?

Or do you speak what they don’t want to hear?

People are known to get upset by both.

 

Do they fear your creativity?

Or is it your originality?

When it’s unexampled, people hate both.

 

Do they hate your craft?

Or is it that you don’t need to deconstruct others’ work to show yours?

Being rare, people get jealous by both.

 

Do they hate you?

Or do they hate themselves?

Seeing what they could’ve been but aren’t, maybe it’s the lack of growth.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#different #differences #unique #personality #identity #distinction #individual #visionary #creative #constructive #unexampled #craftsmanship #fame #success #growth #criticism #judgment #lack #resentment #jealousy #group #mob #mentality #attitude #approach #bold #expressions #society #psychology #social

 

Why do wolves exist?

Answer is, “Because rabbits do.”

Predators exist, for preys do.

A hunt succeeds, for traps work.

Traps work, for preys walk into them.

It’s a choice and they make it.

Sure; most of them do so unconsciously;

But ignorance isn’t the same as innocence.

Natural laws are exact.

“Survival of the fittest; elimination of the weak.”

Nature doesn’t discriminate between the wicked and the innocent.

It only cares about who’s cunning; and who’s ignorant.

We can cry over this.

Or we can work on it.

If you’ve been victimized,

Cry a river for it, if you must.

But once you’re done, introspect.

Check what made it possible for your wrong-doers.

Check what element in you was used against you.

To that effect,

Check the traps – yes, they were there and they’ll talk to you.

The wicked customized those traps as suitable to your weaknesses.

Predators are always smart at customization.

That’s because preys aren’t always the same.

Some want security –

– the trap would be an illusion of one.

“I’m there for you, dear…”

Some want social acceptance –

– the trap would be a bluff of one.

“Hey, come party with us! We’ll have fun!”

Some are obsessive about being a couple –

– the trap would be a bait of offered trust.

“Honey, you’re my life…”

Some have ambitions about grandeur and riches –

– the trap would be lures of offered chances at growth.

“I see a spark in you…”

Traps work, for the preys never ask a basic question: Why.

It must be asked twice.

First, to yourself.

“Why do I have this burn? What part of me asks for it? What’s the origin? Who programmed me for this? At what time?”

You might realize you’re working on a dream that was never yours.

Second, to the predator.

“Why would they help me out? What’s in it for them? Who are they? What’s the cost – oh yes, there’s always one… Do I know what it is?”

This isn’t invalidation of personal needs.

This isn’t invalidation of good in the world either.

This is about identifying yourself correctly; and making choices that let you stay true to yourself.

This is about knowing yourself; and knowing what you’re getting into before you do.

It’s all about information, my friend.

Empower yourself with data first.

Then make your choices.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#strength #needs #desire #past #bullyism #hurt #pain #weakness #deceit #betrayal #deception #manipulation #oppression #domination #loss #fear #depression #anxiety #peers #growth #awareness #experience #empowerment #focus #transformation #fight #retaliation #defense #self_help #choice

 

Sure, we’ll be together.
Sure, we’ll share.
Sure, we’ll care.
Sure, we’ll laugh.
And if you wish, sure we’ll cry together too.

But let’s understand what it is.
It’s companionship.
Of two individuals.
Who started differently.
Who traveled differently.
Who’re together now;
But who see goals differently.
Sure, we can still be together.
Provided we accept those differences.

Sure, there are needs behind this companionship.
Needs of two minds that want to be stroked.
Caressed. Fondled. Pampered.
Two minds that want each other to show some sights.
Of certain ideas of what’s correct. And what’s not. And some beliefs. And ideas of ambition. And responsibility. And fun. And faith. And culture. And religion. And tradition. And speech. And clothing. And brands. And fashion. And riches. And sex. And indulgences. And lifestyles.
Two minds that want each other to be fixed in some things and flexible in other.
Except that, those two minds also need to know the sights are never going to be the same on both sides.
As I said, differences. They’re there. They’ll always be there.

So, my friend,
This isn’t about being playwrights for each other and deciding each other’s expressions.
This isn’t about re-configuring each other’s personalities.
This is about being happy with what matches;
And this is about being OK with what doesn’t.
This is about communicating that. In clear words.
Best friends aren’t those who match cent percent; they’re those who care enough to appreciate the mismatches among them.
Hope we can be that.
Hope we grow enough to make sure those needs don’t turn to demands.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#friends #relations #needs #desire #social #people #maturity #awareness #understanding #tolerance #differences #individual #sharing #caring #demands #expressions #society #friendship #love #couple #dating #relationship #flexibility #attitude #approach #past #domination

 

– “I feel suffocated in my family.”
– “Then get oxygen.”
– “Don’t joke. I’m not in the mood.”
– “I’m not joking. And oxygen is a metaphor.”
– “For what?”
– “For an understanding.”
– “Of what?”
– “Tell me. How do they suffocate you?”
– “They don’t let me voice out. I can’t have my own opinions. About anything. If I say something, they rush to invalidate it. I can’t say what I want. Can’t make my own decisions. Career, marriage – they decide it all. If I force, they say I’m uncultured. Tradition says young ones shouldn’t mouth off at elders.”
– “So you don’t.”
– “Yeah. I don’t. I stay quiet.”
– “Do you know what makes it possible for them?”
– “What?”
– “You.”
– “Me? What’s my mistake?”
– “There’s a part in you that says they might be right.”
– “Umm… Yeah, I guess.”
– “Which is a dual-faced evil. One says their opinions are more correct than you; the other says it entitles them to cancel out yours.”
– “Yes. Sometimes I do think I’m ignorant. They’re all well-travelled and educated. They went to all those big universities and work in big companies. My elder brothers are economy specialists. And my uncle has a PhD in -”
– “Let me stop you right there. I’m sure this list that’s supposed to explain why they’re right in invalidating your opinions is a lengthy one. My friend, it’s a defense mechanism you’ve produced to make it all look legit. STOP rationalising bullyism.”
– “Bullyism?”
– “Yes. That’s what it is. Wrapped with words like culture and tradition. Nobody has any right to do it to you. Doesn’t matter how many doctorates they have. Doesn’t even matter if you’re saying something intelligent or downright stupid. You’re entitled to your opinions; you’re within your right to voice them out too. You’re a person; you have a mind; it speaks. That’s all. Humans express. That’s what makes us human. Differences in those expressions make a society out of these humans. That variety is to be celebrated, not feared. Accepting that is a sign of maturity; it’s only sad that your family members don’t have it despite of their exposure to life.”
– “That’s… making me uncomfortable.”
– “That’s because you’ve developed a habit of finding comfort in what’s truly uncomfortable. You accept the evil in it for it’s familiar to you. They invalidate you, simply because you’re willing to get invalidated first. You have two options, my friend. Option One, you live forever in this zone of familiar discomfort and take a beating from the evil in it without complaint. Don’t say you feel suffocated; you asked for it.
– “No… I want better. I want growth.”
– “Growth is in Option Two: you accept it yourself first that you’re entitled to have and voice opinions. That’s the oxygen I talked about. And then you place it forward boldly. If they shush you, scream. If they put their hand to your mouth, learn to bite it. Yes, stand up for yourself. It’s not aggression; it’s assertive retaliation to bullyism. Also it wouldn’t hurt to check if you can get out of that house and start living on your own. Get out of shells. Of course they won’t like it. It’s OK if they don’t. Learn to be OK with not being OK with some people. Don’t fall prey to their guilt traps; you’re only taking control of your life in your hands; ain’t no crime in it. They want to get mad over it – well, their choice. Growth happens only when we say no to these comfortable discomforts and yes to pains. Nobody has ever lived free without fighting for it. So get in action.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#family #peers #people #stress #anxiety #depression #suppression #oppression #domination #bullyism #voice #opinion #perception #person #individual #needs #desire #tradition #culture #respect #morality #society #social #elders #sentiment #assertiveness #retaliation #freedom #feelings #differences

© Apoorv Vikas

– “I want to win in life.”
– “Go win.”

– “I want to be positive.”
– “Who’s stopping you?”
– “I am.”
– “Why?”
– “Negative thoughts and feelings.”
– “Congratulations.”
– “Shut up. I’m not in mood for your crap.”
– “You have the required material.”
– “I’m mentally in pain. How’s that required material?”
– “What else can be?”
– “Seriously, shut up. I need to erase this negativity. To reach success.”
– “You poor idiot.”
– “What…?”
– “What would drive you to search for food: a full stomach or an empty stomach?”
– “Huh?”
– “Why the hell would you do anything for positivity if you’re already feeling positive?”
– “Huh?”
– “Didn’t see that coming, did you?”
– “I… I don’t know what to say…”
– “Say nothing. Listen. Your negativity isn’t an obstacle. It’s the energy you need. It’s the very fuel you need. It’s the basic inspiration for you. Rockets move only when their asses are on fire. You lack what you want. It hurts you. As it should. You won’t reach ahead without it. When you reach out, you see you lack capacities. That breaks your heart. Good. It’s motivation for you to go build those capacities. If all this pain and anger isn’t there about it; why would you make any move toward betterment?”
– “It’s new for me. But I keep thinking it’s not my cake. I feel lack of confidence.”
– “And that halts your feet.”
– “Yes.”
– “And that’s the mistake. You stop using energy. Unused energy burns us all. Switch on the fan and hold the blades; the motor burns. Electricity turns to heat. This daily burn kills you.”
– “But how can I go ahead without confidence?”
– “Why the HELL would confidence be there at the beginning?”
– “Huh??”
– “That’s the next mistake. You’ve programmed yourself with this STUPID IDEA that you need confidence to start things. You have no confidence today; as you shouldn’t. Confidence for zero skills is overconfidence. Nobody needs it. Confidence is OUTPUT of actions, not input. As it should.”
– “That’s… radically different.”
– “You have a rush to get gains right here on the first step. Reason is, you’re scared to face the discomfort of being in the state of failure. You expect success to come quick. That’s silly. We don’t reach from one floor to another in a single lunge. There’s an entire staircase for that. Being on each one of its steps, the reality of ‘not being at the destination’ mocks us. We can burn with it; or we can choose to see that each one of those steps takes us closer to the destination. Our focus changes the game.”
– “Yes… Approach…”
– “You want to know if negativity can be killed. No you can’t. It’s energy and physics says energy can’t be destroyed. But that same physics has availed the facility to convert that energy into different forms. It happens when energy is used for useful work; WITHOUT bothering about its negative feel. So what that you’ll fall initially? And repeatedly? Your success story will be that much bigger. Successful people are praised for the same traits they were once mocked for. Get data of strengths you need. Use this pain as inspiration and start taking actions. Begin small. Add gradually. Today’s work should match today’s capacity. Winning is daily. It’s in using what you have today to the fullest. Today’s reach should be one step more than yesterday’s. Be sincere on that path; Nature shall reward you with additions to your capacities. I repeat: Positive thoughts and confidence are outputs of action; not inputs. Positivity doesn’t show up out of thin air. Negativity itself turns to positivity. Improved abilities motivate us to reach higher each day. It’s evolution and that’s what helps us win.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India
8928183848
7774917184 (WhatsApp)
https://www.facebook.com/CounselorApoorv
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#success #growth #confidence #result #winner #goals #aim #objective #ambition #dreams #aspiration #inspiration #depression #self_doubt #self_help #anxiety #failure #effort #mentality #mindset #approach #attitude #relentless #resilience #commitment #dedication #courage #focus #positive #thought #action

If I criticize a lot,

Does it mean I actually know better?

Or does it mean I need others to believe I know better?

There’s a difference.

 

If I play moral police a lot,

Does it mean I actually care about culture?

Or does it mean I need shelter in the crowd who could never break cultural stereotypes?

There’s a difference.

 

If I blame others a lot,

Does it mean I’m a good crime investigator?

Or does it mean I want to divert people’s attention from my actions?

There’s a difference.

 

If I express anger a lot,

Does it mean I’m sensitive?

Or does it mean I’m incapable of emotional management?

There’s a difference.

 

If I preach successful people’s stories to my friends,

Does it mean I’m success-oriented?

Or is it that all the time I spend in it shows I have lot of free time to do so, left to me by my inactions and failures?

There’s a difference.

 

If I judge people a lot,

Does it mean I know definitions of correct character?

Or does it mean it’s my need that people should fit in my definitions?

There’s a difference.

 

If I smirk a lot,

Does it mean I’m at a better position than others?

Or does it mean I’m happy they’ve degraded to my level and I’m not alone in my failures anymore?

There’s a difference.

 

If I shake my head at people a lot,

Does it mean I think their actions will degrade society?

Or does it mean I know it’ll transcend today’s limits; and I’m scared I’ll be left in the crowd of obsolete souls who could never adapt?

There’s a difference.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#critic #criticism #judgment #blame #accuse #correction #rectification #narcissism #obnoxious #people #individual #anxiety #fear #depression #phobia #culture #stereotype #paranoia #adaptation #change #failure #jealousy #resentment #religion #action #thought #projections #defenses #argument #policing

 

 

Moving on.

It evolves us.

It’s a necessity.

We say yes to change.

Out of need. Out of wish.

Places call to us.

We move in. We stay for a while.

We move on. New needs. New wishes.

But the stay adds something. To us.

Something sweet. Something bitter.

Some new learning. Some new questions.

It does something. To us.

It gives us a package to carry.

 

We meet people in that stay.

Some are cute. Really cute.

The way they talk. They way they feel to us.

They leave an impact.

Leaving them becomes painful.

We carry that pain when we move on.

Some people aren’t that nice.

They too leave an impact.

The way they talk. The way they feel to us.

Equally hurtful, that we carry that impact ahead.

Both pains turn people into stereotypes.

 

We move on; but that pain has an inertia.

It keeps us in the past.

It places spectacles of past on our eyes.

We view the present through those spectacles.

A mistake.

 

Next time some new cute one shows up.

We rush to believe it’s a sequel to the same cuteness as before.

Next time some new not-so-cute one shows up.

We rush to believe it’s a sequel to the same un-cuteness as before.

That suspends the novelty of experience.

That cancels the learning part out of it.

Sometimes the new cuteness turns out not so cute.

At times the un-cuteness turns out better. Or worse, even.

When it hits us hard, it overwhelms us.

Breaks the heart. Shatters the soul.

And we look back, trying to find solace in memory of the known cuteness of past.

It puts us in constant re-runs of slightly stretched presents, each time, that catapult us back to the past.

 

Hurts, doesn’t it.

Dear, something to know about moving on.

If you’re coming back, pack light.

Remember the cuteness;

Pack it in your luggage.

But don’t pack expectations of new versions of that cuteness.

Minus that load , you’ll actually finish the venture quickly and come back in time to meet what you love in who you love, before life teaches you other things.

And if you’re never coming back,

then pack really light.

Pack expectations of new future;

but nothing of the past.

Can’t avoid placing memories in the luggage;

but don’t place the longing for those memories in your sack.

Sure it’ll hurt to let go;

But dear,

Moving on makes sense only when you’re really moving on.

Face the future with a fresh start.

It’s the only way to keep the hurt from hurting you.

For it’ll be there hoping to slow your feet, dear.

It’ll always be there.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#past #present #here_and_now #future #love #ex #breakup #relationship #people #change #moving_on #memories #longing #past_inertia

 

 

 

 

You tell me, “You can’t”.

You tell me, “You haven’t got it.”

You tell me, “You don’t understand.”

You tell me, “You haven’t seen what I’ve seen.”

You tell me, “You don’t know.”

Maybe you’re right.

Maybe I can’t see what you see.

But making me accept that is your need.

Question is why.

What’s this relation about?

I’m a victim of my innocence and you’re my rescuer?

I don’t recall asking for that.

All I wanted was a companion.

When did you become my guardian?

You call it caring?

Did you ask me if I wanted it? This way?

What is caring?

Is it about you compulsively and conveniently invalidating my strengths?

Is it about me letting you do that to me?

What do you get out of it?

I’ve seen that smug smile on your face every time you say all these things to me.

What’s that about?

Do you see something of a triumph in this one-upmanship?

Is it about control?

Is this invalidation there to assure yourself you’ll always have that control over me?

Darling, truth is, it’s you who doesn’t see.

Relationship is never about these stupid dramas, dear.

It’s about matching strengths where they match; and accepting differences where they exist.

Sure, it’s about being there for each other;

But that’s to help each other grow.

Something that never happens when this so-called caring is forced.

We all evolve. I know I want to.

I love you honey; I like that you care;

But I’m sure as hell not going to let my growth halt just because you have control issues.

I want this relation to breathe free.

And you’re kinda suffocating me.

Let’s take a break. Perhaps too much familiarity is killing things here.

Let’s step back a bit, for a while.

Let’s see things for what they are.

Let’s introspect. Let’s look back in our individual pasts individually.

Let’s see why you feel these compulsions.

Let’s see why I let you do this to me – sure, I know. I’m an accomplice too.

I’m not perfect; neither are you.

But this was never about building each other’s personalities.

Those buildings are already there.

This is about building a bridge between those buildings.

Let’s meet anew for that.

When we can.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#love #relations #relationship #care #caring #couple #dating #boyfriend #girlfriend #married #husband #wife #issues #society #social #interpersonal #bondage #connect #mind #abuse #traps #invalidation #suffocation #breakup #depression #obsession #domination #bullying #personality #counseling

Paths are different.

For origins were.

We are different.

For circumstances that bred us were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Walks are different.

For rocks in ways were.

Wounds are different.

For falls that taught us were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Reactions are different.

For pains were.

Responses are different.

For tools placed in our hands were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Answers are different.

For questions were.

Approach is different.

For needs were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Abilities are different.

For problems that inspired them were.

Tolerances are different.

For possibilities of betterment were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Ambitions are different.

For lacks that necessitated them were.

Achievements are different.

For motivations of scarcity were.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

Today we are together; two wholes as One.

That One will rise, fear not my dear.

We need only appreciate we’re different.

For our love is there.

Let’s not judge each other.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#differences #judge #critic #criticism #issues #tolerance #patience #awareness #understanding #maturity #relations #relationship #friends #group #mentality #mindset #approach #attitude #social #society #bullying #family #couple #dating #partners #resentment #growth #abuse #counseling #life

 

 

 

 

 

“Mother’s Day” is a token.

It’s pinching those creamy wrinkled cheeks that’s real deal.

Hug them, dear.

 

Words sooth.

It’s the touch that calms.

Hug them, dear.

 

Voice supports.

It’s the nod in eyes that fortify.

Hug them, dear.

 

Times scream.

It’s the joined fingers that answer.

Hug them, dear.

 

Challenges mock.

It’s the hand on the shoulder that broadens the spirit.

Hug them, dear.

 

Messages are interpreted.

It’s the calloused hands covering their face that hit it home.

Hug them, dear.

 

Gifts have price-tags we scratch.

It’s the loving fingers in hair that promise priceless care.

Hug them, dear.

 

“Congratulations” is auto-corrected.

It’s the bear-hugs that are sugar to souls.

Hug them, dear.

 

Offering a hand to that 75-year-old searching hand;

Instead of asking “May I?”

Putting a candy in that 56-year-old surprised mouth;

Instead of asking “Want one?”

Cuddling that 6-year-old face during dinner;

That places an ordinary meal beyond 7-star unlimited buffet.

Wordless exclamations up on the terrace with that special one that turn evenings into sunny mornings;

Instead of stressing over reservations in expensive restaurants.

It’s the little things that matter.

Hug them dear. They’re yours.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#love #relations #care #caring #loved_ones #family #relatives #child_care #mother #father #friends #touch #words #calm #problems #support #mommy #daddy #son #daughter #bond #hugs #counseling

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Distractions are the greatest foe in the path of success. To defeat that foe, is to anticipate those distractions will be there; know what they’d be before they come; know where they’d come from; and keep countermeasures ready in advance.

Most obvious distractions are in the form of material pleasure. They appeal to the basic human drive to engage in pursuit of happiness. Others engage us with sensuous proposals. Sex. Togetherness. Comforts. Most of them are a collage of what we think we deserve and our unconscious inclination to take a deep dive in debauchery and crash.

Other distractions come as sentimental appeals. Prides of castes and religion and family name and race and ethnicity teach us hatred, mistrust and abuse. Thanatos, the drive of negativity in us, compels us to find rational justifications for our urge to bully others. We find those justifications in sentimental frictions we maintain with multiple groups and communities on multiple layers of life we choose to see as our enemies; declaring ourselves as their victims and, thus, rational justice seekers. We glorify our bullyism, calling it rebellion. We lose tremendous energy, effort, focus and attention in such dramas; robbing ourselves of the same that we’d need for our success. Different isms appeal to our personal transferences – unresolved past issues, the pain of which we attribute to a specific group of people, based on genders and castes and economic classes, overgeneralizing few people’s behavior to their entire population. Feminism, masculinism, communism, socialism, certain social fads and trends in belief systems appeal to us to join their crowds; and we respond to that call. We lose our individual ability to think; we become followers; and no followers ever reach their destination.

Finally, the most dangerous of distractions is self-doubt. We meet co-passengers on the path toward our goals – men and women with same destination in mind but a different style of walk. Some of them get ahead of us. We notice their ways of work; we notice the differences; and we begin doubting our ways. We begin doubting our paths. We begin doubting everything, including if we are even compatible for the goal we have selected. It’s the most destructive and self-defeating illusion we place ourselves into. We lose our drive with lack of faith in ourselves; we lose focus; and we lag behind.

The key is awareness. The countermeasure is to stay true to what we are. For any of these distractions, the weapon we need to use is to remember that our choice of our goal defines what we want to turn into; and strength is about staying true to that future self. We need to ask ourselves, “What would that future successful self of me would do in this situation? Would I let go of this amazing path of logic, reason, rationale, effort, commitment, betterment I have taken? Would I agree to defeating myself? Would I agree to be an idiot?” And we need to listen to the answer. Consciously. For we aren’t our past selves anymore. There’s a reason we adopted this path; you see, we wanted certain status and stature and position in life; and we are living only to be that person now. Nothing else matters. The world doesn’t matter. Its beauty and ugliness doesn’t matter. Our pasts and our ancestors’ pasts and what happened to them or what’s happening now to someone else doesn’t matter. Everything else is mere illusion; our goal is the only truth. We stick to that truth for it’s glorious; for it makes perfect sense to be that man or that woman; for the journey is self-liberating; for the idea is more beautiful than anything else in universe; for it’s our choice and being at it is addictive.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Life Empowerment Coach
Nigdi Pune India

#success #goal #life_goal #objective #purpose #growth #personal_growth #ambition #aspiration #dreams #attention #focus #awareness #effort #work #resilience #distractions #sacrifice #achievement #improvement #betterment #advancement #progress #empowerment #transferences #sentiments #positive_thinking #strength #will_power #mind_power

© Apoorv Vikas

Assumptions come with no price tags but lots of hidden costs.
Assumption of rights is the costliest of all;
and assumption of birthright throws surprises at us greater than all.

Certain configurations of life may trick us into believing that certain rights are reserved for us. Bloodlines. Families. Signatures on old papers by old men lost in the insignificance of past. Ideas that trick us into believing we’d need no extra effort to own what’s “rightfully” ours. And for the time being, that may be true as well.

But beware.
Power and control have been biggest of inspirations for those who know hunger only as greed.
Vultures are patient birds.
They’re there. They’re always there.
They wait. For the right time. For the right opportunity. For when you aren’t looking; or when you don’t know what to look for.
They allow you to lose your vigilance and sprawl on the belief of your assumed assurances about your statures in life.
They let you take yourself and the world for granted.
They seize the chance because you give it to them.
Many have fallen prey to this scheme.

Eligibilities have to be earned.
Even to wield swords placed in our scabbards by our forefathers.
If you have something, hold on to it.
Know what it is. Be its student.
Invest it; invest yourself into it.
Use it. Get it operational.
And be in control of those operations.
Don’t outsource its use to someone else;
be there yourself.
Make it a part of yourself.
Take nothing for granted.
You’re truly entitled to things only when you establish a firm command on those things in such ways that nobody else can think of anybody else’s name when it comes to using that power.
If you have power, always keep it close to you.

– Counselor Apoorv Vikas (Nigdi Pune)
© Apoorv Vikas

#power #rights #birthrights #bloodline #family #royal #dynasty #constitution #vulture #cunning #greed #control #victim #trick #smart #abuse #invasion #war #fight #survival #life #focus #awareness #investment #tools #authority #command #rule #vigilance #caution

We’re either being a winner NOW, or we aren’t.

It’s a function, at present moment.

It has no completion to it.

If it has, it’s already a past. An insignificant one.

A relic; a story; a history.

People pile heaps of glory on winners for that victory.

But winners do not permit it to turn to pride and sentiment.

Winners stay indifferent to that glory; no matter how recent it was.

That glory is a trap. They know.

It engulfs one in an inertia of inaction.

It builds a comfort zone full of excuses to reduce speed and tone down efforts and get rigid.

Times move on; one lags behind; one loses.

Winners win by maintaining their fluidity.

Wining is in understanding true nature of reality.

It changes. Moment to moment. Like a flow.

Parameters change; significances alter.

What was important last moment may not remain so at present; new things show up and they demand attention.

We might’ve been victorious last moment; it’s no guarantee for a win at present moment.

Winning is a choice to be made each moment anew.

Being at it means saying no to what’s known and what’s comfortable.

Being at it means saying yes to new explorations and calculated experiments and relentless change.

Winners’ eyes stay zeroed on present tense; they look; they observe; they adapt.

That adaptation is simultaneous with the observation.

Each molecule of water in river knows how it’s supposed to flow, as per demands of the terrains that change continuously and banks that shift repeatedly.

Each strand of a winner’s existence makes that change as required by their liquid reality.

They stay with times.

They transcend their own selves of last moment.

They evolve each moment.

It’s a choice and they make it.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#success #winner #win #victory #achievement #advancement #progress #fulfillment #aim #target #goal #objective #ambition #aspiration #dreams #inspiration #motivation #struggle #fight #effort #adaptation #change #evolution #new #now #positive #attitude #mindset #approach #thought

 

Yeah, sure. It’s natural.

Yeah, sure. You’d want to.

Yeah, sure. The situation is scary and you want to be safe in a crowd.

Yeah, sure. Your situation is confusing and you don’t want to think.

No, not independently.

No, not individualistically.

No, not differently.

No, not out of the box.

Natural, that you want to shut down thought and follow the crowd.

The crowd is there.

The crowd is always there.

It has an appeal.

It has a threat.

Appeal is of mindlessness. Saves you from working it out – you assume.

Threat is of banishment. Crowd doesn’t like individualists.

With love and fear, crowd controls you nice and easy.

 

But hey.

This crowd isn’t of winners.

It’s of followers.

They follow doctrines long expired.

They follow ideologies offset from the present times.

They follow isms; more sensational than operational.

They follow trends profiteers tell them to follow.

They follow fashions the cunning preach.

They think they have leaders. They don’t.

In truth, they follow each other.

Like two bubbles on the surface of unstill water; each thinks it’s following the other.

The bubbles burst. Eventually.

The crowd doesn’t win.

 

You want solutions.

You have choices.

You can believe crowd knows better;

Or you can wake up.

You can believe the more people do it, that much smarter that choice must be;

Or you can wake up.

You can believe submitting free thought in exchange for crowd safety is the key to survival;

Or you can wake up.

You can believe the crowd has figured it all out;

Or you can wake up.

 

What to wake up, you ask?

You can wake up to the fact that there’s no universality to life, existence, and the problems in it.

You can wake up to the fact that problems have unique settings in our lives that differ from individual to individual.

You can wake up to the fact that a problem is like a parasite that forms out specifically customized to the host – you.

You can wake up to the fact that dealing with that problem needs understanding the uniqueness of the situation.

You can wake up to the fact that solution lies in understanding your unique strengths. And finding a way suitable to your unique personality. Where those strengths can flow naturally.

 

Fundamentally, my friend,

You can wake up to the fact that you are you.

A terrain can be traversed in many different ways.

A monkey would hop from branch to branch.

A cheetah would run.

It’s about knowing who you are.

And staying true to that.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#problem #solution #thought #think #independent #individual #crowd #group #mob #mentality #mindset #positive #unique #personality #subjective #society #objective #success #result #focus #free #strength #control #courage #different #awareness #understanding #self #self_help #winner

 

We smile. They smile.
Then come the small talks.
Which lead to bit bigger talks.
Smiles become laughs.
Soon come the high-fives.
Meetings. Spontaneous first. Then decided.
First we ask for nice places. Restaurants and malls.
Then even a sidewalk bench is OK.
We know – we’re friends now.

Then come the ugly observations.
Then come the expectations.
Then comes the criticism.
Then comes the judgment.
Here and there. But always something.
Something about their dressing sense.
Something about their speech.
Something about their views.
Something about their personal lives.

Then it gets vocal.
“Don’t”. “You shouldn’t.” “You can’t.”
“You must.”
“You’re a businessperson. Dress like one.”
“You’re a teacher. How can you wear that skirt?”
“Should a man wear that?” “Should a woman say that?”
“You’re of xyz faith/religion/ethnicity. Be like one.”
“It’s our history. It’s our culture. You can’t say such things.”
“You must believe in God.”
“How can you eat that? Aren’t you xyz?”

Configurations.
Attempts at editing people.
Tries to fit them in our social comfort zones.
A heavy fear of differences in opinions.
An anxiety, that people must fit themselves in settings we’re familiar with.

Something that invariably results in us complaining, “People Avoid Me”.
So heavy. So toxic. So unnecessary.

They’re people, dear. Sure they’re friends and colleagues and relatives; doesn’t stop them from being separate, distinct individuals with their own, unique personalities.
Have we understood what social life means?
Do we realize there’s always going to be a difference? Among us and people?
Do we realize they’ve had their histories before they met us?
Do we realize we can’t invalidate what uniqueness they’ve gained over the years?
Not that we must agree to things that can’t be agreed to;
Not that we should be friends with those who carry suspicious packets of white powder in their car trunks; but for anything else, do we check in real terms exactly why their dressing sense and historical opinions hurt us?
Do we realize we can’t and we have no right to force our ideas onto people?
Do we realize it’s how gaps widen among people?
Do we realize that’s how resentment sets in?
Do we realize it’s not helping any of us?
Do we realize maturity lies in respecting those differences?
Maybe agree to disagree like adults? And still commit to the companionship, for nothing but the pure human pleasure of being together?
Do we realize humanity lies in that acceptance?

Two choices.
A choice to push people away by playing unwanted script-writers for their lives.
And a choice to wake up.
Let’s wake up, folks.
We’ve been asleep far too long.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#social #people #relations #friends #companionship #cohabitation #life #living #community #traditions #norms #standards #differences #opinions #self #individual #culture #past #personality #unique #humility #maturity #growth #awareness #understanding #domination #harassment #resentment #peace #disagreement

We can be followers.
Or we can choose to win.

We can follow dictations.
Or we can choose to think.

We can be obedient.
Or we can be thoughtful.

We can follow rituals they demand.
Or we can deploy discipline that we command.

We can walk the path others have walked.
Or we can build ones that suit our uniqueness.

We can arrive where others have reached.
Or we can proceed ahead of that.

We can surrender to doctrines.
Or we can live free.

We can follow others’ old plans.
Or we can improvise as per our time’s need.

We can expect them to scream motivation at us.
Or even our sad past suffices as inspiration to grow.

They can scold us not to stop.
Or we can choose to push ourselves.

We can have idols.
Or we can carve ones out of ourselves.

We can submit will to fixed ideas.
Or we can wake up to necessity of flexibility.

We can fear individuality for they told us.
Or we can evolve that individuality into independence.

We can spend lives praising winners.
Or we can be one of them.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #ritual #discipline #growth #progress #development #betterment #goals #dreams #aspiration #ambition #inspiration #motivation #objective #aim #target #effort #focus #dedication #commitment #result #limits #struggle #fight #resilience #gains #follower #winner #achievement

Funny, wasn’t it?
You said I was perfect for you.
And then I wasn’t. Didn’t make sense.

I’m recalling this only now.
You said I felt like home to you.
And then started the construction work on me.
Didn’t make sense.

“That music? Seriously?”
“That brand? Really?”
“Here, I’ve laid your dress out for you.”
“Umm… dear… no, not like that…”
Once in a while, first. Then one too many times.
And then, everyday. In everything.
Yeah, never made sense. And then it went deeper.
“That’s your ideology? What rubbish!”
“That’s what your parents taught you? Oh God!”
“Your beliefs are so stupid!”
“Honey, let me do the thinking…”

I remember a word, when I left you yesterday.
“Caring”. Yeah. That’s what you called it.
I remember vividly. I saw it in your eyes.
You actually believed so, didn’t you?
For you, that’s what it was.
Except it wasn’t. It couldn’t. Not like that.
It was configuring.
I wasn’t a house you bought; I was a person.
– With a personality that was already constructed.
I wasn’t a laptop you bought; I had feelings.
– With an emotional setup that was mine to process.
I wasn’t a car you bought; I had my own will.
– With a self-drive I had cultivated since childhood.

Sweetheart, you blamed me for breaking the relationship.
Now that I think about it, we never really had one.
We never evolved into it.
You were too lazy for it; so you used guilt traps to configure me to a setting comfortable to you.
I know; you aren’t the only culprit. I was an accomplice in the crime too.
The crime of letting my thoughts get clouded.
The crime of letting my feelings and needs get invalidated.
The crime of letting my identity get cut and edited and pasted with something alien, something unknown, something I never asked for; but something I never questioned either. Not in time.
That was my crime.
I saw possessiveness; I heard you calling it “love”.
I heard domination; I saw you placing it forward as “care”.
And I nodded all the time. I let you do it to me…
…until I couldn’t. Not anymore.

I left yesterday – here I am, explaining to myself, and you maybe, what’s it for.
We were people, before and after we got into relationships.
We were travelers, who walked two different paths.
We were energies, who shaped two different significant existences.
A relationship is where two people merge their essence, their paths, their energies.
WITHOUT invalidating how their pasts have shaped them as individuals.
A relationship is a 1BHK flat.
One space for you; one for me; one for both of us to work together on what we are.
So that both can flourish. Develop. Grow.
And that’s not something that happened in our case.
Doing what you did to me, letting you do it to me, we invalidated one of those existences.
It was an attempt at murder. Of an identity that deserved to be.

This is me, giving both of us a space to get real.
For me, it’s to check when, where and why I agreed to self-invalidation.
For you, it’s to check what part of you felt threatened by my distinct identity.
Yes, it’s fear, dear. You were scared of my uniqueness.
And hey, if you’re getting angry at that, that’s a good place for you to start your introspection.
All the best to both of us.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#relationship #love #caring #dating #romance #couple #boyfriend #girlfriend #marriage #life #husband #wife #he #she #people #domination #dictation #harassment #abuse #space #control #issues #counseling #anxiety #depression #breakup #introspection #self #feelings #emotions

– “What helped you win?”
– “I kept walking.”
– “Who was your inspiration?”
– “My past.”
– “Your past?”
– “It was sad. Inspired me to do something about it.”
– “No, but, whose footsteps did you follow?”
– “Nobody’s.”
– “Why?”
– “Following makes you a follower, not a winner.”
– “What’s the difference?”
– “Followers arrive where their leader has stopped. Winners go ahead of that spot.”
– “I see. What advice would you give to others?”
– “What others?”
– “Those who want to win.”
– “None.”
– “What?”
– “Why would I advise them?”
– “Isn’t that a bit arrogant of you?”
– “Oh, that’s every bit prudent of me; but you wouldn’t want to agree.”
– “I don’t. You sound so megalomaniacal. How can you praise yourself?”
– “Funny, aren’t we! Curse yourself; people call you nice. Voice positivity about yourself; people call you bad.”
– “Exactly what part of you is prudent?”
– “You want a list? I don’t irritate others with what I think is right for them. That’s prudent. I accept and appreciate everyone is built differently and nothing in human life can be standardized. That’s prudent. I know what worked for me wouldn’t necessarily work for others. That’s prudent. I don’t force norms I like on others. That’s prudent. I don’t bore others by criticizing their dressing sense and judging their words. I accept they’re entitled to their personal choices. That’s prudent. Others will have to build a path suitable to their walking styles; same as I did. So I don’t give unwanted advises to strangers who have nothing to do with me and didn’t ask my opinion. That’s prudent.”
– “Huh?”
– “Oh, the list goes on. I’m a vegetarian. But I don’t go putting non-vegetarians in stupid guilt traps by posting images of animals getting slaughtered in meat industries. Being vegetarian, I do nothing nobler than ripping a helpless tree’s genitals off and eating those genitals right in front of that tree. It’s life for life, as Nature demands. Ain’t nothing special about me being a vegan, pal. Get real. I follow no religion and believe in no god; and even when I used to, I never used to irritate others with ‘my god is better than yours’. I didn’t sign a bond paper to get born in my religion. Could’ve been any other religion. Thousands have sex each second in the world. It’s all about which pair’s f**k Nature wants to result in our birth. Same goes with race, ethnicity, caste, nationality. I don’t want to preach hatred to my people over what happened in 14th century. I Know history is written either by victors who want to paint themselves as saints rather than the bullies they were; or by losers who want to paint themselves as poor victims rather than the ignorant unprepared idiots they were. Really, it doesn’t freaking matter now.”
– “So what matters now?”
– “We are here. Now. We have legs that can walk. We have hands that can work. We have brains that ain’t retarded. We want to win? I think we’re good to go, now. I understand and accept that. I did nothing but be myself; and do what I can, when I can, to get my success. Instead of deciding what others should do, I kept my head down and honestly focused on myself. How’s that not prudent, you tell me.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #growth #criticism #judgment #unwanted #advice #opinion #perception #individuality #hatred #society #winner #past #present #here_and_now #focus #awareness #maturity #goals #achievement #egoist #standard #ideology #ism #religion #choice #brainwash #social_media #time

Everyone is positive, until they aren’t.
There’s a reason negativity survives.
It’s because we let it.
It manipulates us into letting it.
It’s an organism.
Like all organisms, it knows how to survive.
But it’s a special kind of creature.
It’s a parasite.
You are the host.
It sucks its energy out of you.
To that effect, it hacks into your mind.
And generates negative thoughts, feelings, beliefs.
Self-doubts; with “logical” explanations.
Lack of confidence; with “reasonable” justifications.
Self-handicapping; with “rationalized” tragedies.
You agree; because you want to.
It seems appropriate.
Outcome? You remain in a life-long comfort zone of self-negation where all your sorrows, lacks, disappointments would flourish; and negativity gets its food.
The key for transcending that negativity, is understanding.
Understand negativity’s survival mechanisms.
And be aware, that each time you doubt yourself, you feel “I can’t”; you think “I shouldn’t”, it’s negativity getting ready for its meal.
All that thinking is false, my friend.
Doesn’t matter how much reasonable it seems, it’s virtual.
Negativity knows how to make things look real to you; but you’re greater than your negativity.
It’s a choice to select truth.
It’s a choice to select the trueness of who you are and what you know you can do; what you know you should be doing.
Make that choice.
Starve negativity – it’ll scream and whine and try seducing you into its warm embrace; but know that the embrace of your success is waiting for you.
You win, when you say yes to success.
So win.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #result #growth #progress #advancement #betterment #improvement #goals #objective #aim #inspiration #motivation #desire #ambition #dreams #dedication #commitment #effort #struggle #fight #progressive_overload #win #winner #victory #achievement #accomplishment #fulfillment #gains #positive #wordporn

© अपूर्व विकास

– “…नैसर्गिकच आहे ते.”
– “बरं.”
– “काहीही चुकीचं नाहीये त्यात.”
– “बरं.”
– “आपलाच समाज मागास विचारांचा आहे. पाप म्हणे.”
– “बरं.”
– “कसलं आलंय पाप? तसं असेल तर तुम्ही दोघांनी मला जन्माला घालून पाप केलं म्हणायचं का?”
– “बरं.”
– “आणि काय फरक पडतो लग्नाआधी केलं तर? आणि काय फरक पडतो लग्नाआधी कुणा दुसऱ्यासोबत केलं असेल तर? प्रेम आणि वासना वेगवेगळं आहे. का हे कळत नाही? लग्न कुणाशी होईल माहीत नाही. लग्नानंतर हे सुख मिळेलच याची खात्री नाही. कितीतरी लोक लग्न करून पस्तावतातच. डिवोर्स केसेसची संख्या बघ. काळ बदललाय. आज समोर संधी आहे. का घेऊ नये?”
– “घे की.”
– “…हं ?”
– “हो. घे ना. संधी. घेऊनच टाक. थांबूच नकोस.”
– “हे… तुझ्या तोंडून? Aren’t you my parent?”
– “मी जन्मदात्याच्या भूमिकेनुसार तुला थांबवावं? नाही करणार मी तसं. मी जन्माला घातलं तुला. वाढवलं. तुला तुझे निर्णय सजगतेने घेता येण्याची ताकद यावी, असं वातावरण देण्याचा मनापासून प्रयत्न होता माझा. आता एक adult आहेस तू. आज जर तुझ्या विचारांवर मी शंका घेतली, तर मी केलेल्या तुझ्या संगोपनावरच शंका घेतल्यासारखं होईल, नाही का? तेव्हा, तुला वाटतंय ते कर. पाण्यात सूर मारायचाय? मारून टाक.”
– “हं…?”
– “फक्त एक लक्षात ठेव. पाणी उथळ होतं हे नंतर डोकं फुटल्यावर कळलं, तर अजिबात गळा काढू नकोस. पाण्याची खोली न तपासता आपण ऊडी मारली, त्याच्या परिणामाची संपूर्ण जबाबदारी स्वत:च्या ऊरावर घे.”
– “…म्हणजे?”
– “नैसर्गिक आहे, या सबबीखाली स्वत:च्या वासनांची कौतुकं पुरी करायचा सोस येतोय ना तुला? करूनच घे. हजारो वर्षांपासून ‘स्वत:च्या इंद्रियांना संयम शिकवा’ हे सांगणारे शहाणे आपण निकालात काढतोय; तेव्हा स्वत:चं डोकं फोडून घेतल्याशिवाय शिक्षण नाही, हेही ओघाने आलंच. पर्याय नाही. तेव्हा, त्या शिक्षणाला नाही म्हणू नकोस. स्वीकार त्याला. त्यातल्या वेदनेसहित.”
– “पण प्रॉब्लेमच होईल असं आपण का assume करायचं?”
– “मी कुठे म्हटलं प्रॉब्लेमच होईल? मी फक्त म्हटलं, जर झालाच प्रॉब्लेम तर त्याची जबाबदारी स्वत:कडे घे. इतकंच.”
– “पण… जर झाला तर… का होईल प्रॉब्लेम?”
– “का होईल प्रॉब्लेम? फार सुंदर प्रश्न आहे. आपण हाच विचार करतो. प्रॉब्लेम कशाला होईल? नैसर्गिकच तर आहे सगळं… हो. सशाला गाजर दिसतं. नैसर्गिक. त्याची भूक जागवली जाते. नैसर्गिक. तोंडाला पाणी सुटतं. नैसर्गिक. विचार न करता तो पुढे झेपावतो. नैसर्गिक. आणि…”
– “आणि…?”
– “आणि झुडपामागे लपलेला लांडगा क्षणात झेप घेऊन त्याचा फडशा पाडतो. तेही… नैसर्गिकच.”
– “…I don’t know what to say…”
– “हेच आपल्याही बाबतीत घडतं. आपण ससा असतो. समोरची परिस्थिती गाजर असते. गाजर खाऊच नये? नाही; तसं नाही. गाजर जरूर खावं. नैसर्गिक ऊर्मी. हो. पण आपण गाजर ज्या झुडपाला लटकतंय, त्याला अभ्यासत नाही. जे नजरेपल्याड आहे, ते नजरेत आणत नाही. संकटं कुठे असतात? त्याच त्या, नजरेपल्याडच्या अंधारात. जाणिवेबाहेरच्या अचेतनात. आपण नैसर्गिक इच्छेची कौतुकं करत गाजराच्या दिशेने निघतो. आणि मग परिस्थिती हिसका देते. वास्तविक तेही नैसर्गिकच असतं; पण आक्रोशताना मात्र आपण संकटाचा तो नैसर्गिकपणा स्वीकारण्याच्या मूडमध्ये नसतो.”
– “हं… समजतंय… पण माझ्या बाबतीत… झुडपामागचा अंधार म्हणजे नक्की काय?”
– “शरीर उघडं करायचंय. पण कुणासोबत? समोरही एक शरीर असेल. पण शरीराआतलं माणूस जोखलंय आपण? खळी पडणारं क्यूट स्माईल आणि ग्रेट ड्रेसिंग स्टाईलच्या कौतुकापलीकडे नजर गेलीये आपली? समोरच्या व्यक्तीची मेडिकल हिस्टरी ठावूक आहे? आणि सेक्शूअल हिस्टरी? अं? आपण या व्यक्तीच्या आयुष्यातले पहिलेच आहोत, या बाबतीत? का आपल्याआधी इतर अनेक गड सर करून झालेत, ‘नैसर्गिकते’चे गोडवे गात? ‘मज्जे’च्या देवाणघेवाणीसहित तिकडून carry-forward झालेले गुप्तरोगही शेअर होणारेत? सेक्सबद्दलच्या ज्या प्रिकॉशन्स घ्यायच्या असतात, त्याबद्दल दोघांना पूर्ण माहिती आहे? माहिती असेल तर त्याच्या अवलंबनाबद्दल एकवाक्यता आहे? आणि प्रश्न फक्त शरीराचा कधीच नसतो; कितीही नाही म्हटलं तरी मनंही ढवळून निघतात त्या हॉर्मोन्सच्या उधळणीत. झेपणार आहे आपल्याला? सर्वस्व बहाल करायचंय एकमेकांना; चेष्टा नाही. आवाका लक्षात आलाय दोघांच्या? एकमेकांना जवळीक कितपत प्रमाणात हवीये, त्याबद्दल संवाद झालाय? विषय क्लिअर आहे दोन्ही बाजूला? का इकडे मंगळागौरीची स्वप्नं पडतायत अन् तिकडे उद्या कुठे झेंडा रोवायचाय त्याची गणितं चालू आहेत? तेवढ्यापुरते जवळ येऊन नंतर परत लांब जाऊ म्हणत असाल, तर आलेल्या अनुभवाच्या स्मृती पुढल्या आयुष्यात कडमडणार नाहीत कशावरून? तुझ्या म्हणण्याप्रमाणे उद्या लग्न वेगळ्या व्यक्तीशी झालं, तर कुठे-ना-कुठे तुलना तर होणारच. त्या तुलना त्यावेळच्या नात्याला भाजणार नाहीत कशावरून? यातल्या प्रत्येक प्रश्नाचं क्रिस्टल क्लिअर उत्तर तुझ्याकडे असेल आणि दोन्ही बाजूकडून acceptance असेल, तर तू काय करायचं हा तुझा प्रश्न. आहे आपली तशी परिस्थिती?”
– “Actually… मी एवढा विचार नव्हता केला… करायला पाहीजे… मला वाटलं… आपण मॉडर्न असण्याचा हा एक भाग आहे…”
– “हं! मॉडर्न! तुझ्या माहितीसाठी हे घे : तुला जे वाटतंय त्यात नवीन काही नाही. साठ-सत्तरच्या काळापासनंच हे आपल्या देशात ऊतू चाललंय. सेक्सच्या नैसर्गिकतेला कुरवाळलं जातंय. आहेच सेक्स नैसर्गिक; पण आपण नैसर्गिकतेच्या नावाने स्वैराचाराला परवानगी मिळवतोय का? विचार कर; शोध घे. या नैसर्गिकतावाद्यांनी कपडे उतरवून एकदा जंगलात जाऊन राहता येतंय का पहावं. दोन दिवसात केकाटत परत येतील. Civilization सात हजार वर्षं जुनं आहे. म्हणजेच, त्या पूर्वीच्या नैसर्गिक अवस्थेच्या जीवनपद्धतीकडे आज आपण सात हजार वर्षांच्या फरकाने पाहतोय; म्हणूनच दुरून डोंगर साजरे दिसतायत आपल्याला. आपण हे साफ विसरलोय, की इंद्रियसुखांच्या तत्काळ शांतीचा पुरस्कार करणाऱ्या त्या जंगली जीवनपद्धतीने जगणं जेव्हा असह्य झालं, तेव्हाच माणसाने तिथून बाहेर पडून नागरी सभ्यता निर्माण केली. संस्कृती उभी राहिली. नीति-नियम केले गेले. ते प्रत्येकाने समजून घेऊन स्वयंस्फूर्तिने स्वीकारणं अपेक्षित होतं. प्रॉब्लेम त्या नीति-नियमात नव्हता. पण पुढल्या काळात ते नियम एकदुसऱ्यावर लादले गेले; कर्मकांडं तयार झाली. दांभिकता आली. प्रॉब्लेम त्यातून निर्माण झाला. आज या भारतीय संस्कृतीच्या कर्मकांडी दांभिक बंधनात अडकलेल्यांना ‘मागास, बुरसटलेले’ ठरवलं जातंय; पण त्याच वेळी आपण स्वत: अमेरिकन संस्कृतीच्या कर्मकांडात अडकतोय हे कळत नाहीये. डोकी पूर्वीही बंदच होती; आजही बंदच आहेत. ‘लग्नाआधी काय हरकत आहे?’ विचारलं जातंय. ‘अनेकांशीही काय हरकत आहे?’ हेही विचारलं जातंय. ‘लग्नानंतरही अनेकांशी काय हरकत आहे?’ हे विचारणारेही महाभाग वाढतायत. बौद्धिक घेतलं जातंय वासनांना मोकळं करण्याचं; लगेच त्याला विरोध म्हणून जुनं तेच सोनं म्हणून बोंब ऐकू येते. पण या दोन्हीपेक्षा स्वतंत्र विचारांना मोकळं करायचं कुणालाच सुचत नाहीये. त्याने होतंय हे. सेक्समध्ये पाप काही नाही; पण विचार न करता धावत सुटणं यात मूर्खपणा जरूर आहे. आणि निसर्गाचाच विचार केला तर निसर्ग मूर्खपणाला सर्वात मोठं पाप समजतो; शिक्षाही तशीच मिळते. नियमांची चौकट आवडत नसेल, तर विचारांची बैठक हवी. इतरांची बंधनं नको असतील, तर स्वयंशिस्तीची ताकद हवी. वासनेपुढे विचार हवा; वासनाशांतीआधी विवेक हवा. तरच त्या शांतीतून तृप्तीही मिळते. अन्यथा काऊंसेलिंग केस मिळते. पूर्वी आम्हाला सांगायचे, ‘प्रेम करताना डोळे उघडे ठेवून करा’. आज त्यात एक भर पाडावी लागतेय, ‘शरीर उघडं करतानाही डोळे उघडे ठेवून करा.'”

© अपूर्व विकास
समुपदेशक व मानसशास्त्र तज्ज्ञ

Counselor and Psychologist
(निगडी, पुणे)
8928183848
7774917184 (WhatsApp) https://counselorapoorv.home.blog
(लेख शेअर केलात तर आनंद आहे. शेअर करताना कृपया लेखकाच्या तपशीलासहित करावा; मजकुरात बदल नको. धन्यवाद.)

They are there.
They are rare. But they are there.
They’ve been perceived variously.
Smart. Arrogant. Unique. Egoist.
Accordingly, they’ve been called many names.
Perfectionist. Asocial. Uptight. Visionary.
Brilliant. A-hole. Soulless. Heartless.
Their only crime?
They don’t ask help. They do everything on their own.
Professional tasks. Personal tasks. Creations. Repairs.
Everything.

It’s funny.
They never complain.
They don’t have any problems that they have to do everything on their own.
It’s not something they ‘have to’; it’s something they choose to.
That’s what the world either misses about them or chooses to miss.
It’s not about pride; not for them.
It’s simply that they know they have the skills required for the task.
And if they don’t, then they know depending on others isn’t an option.
Not for one who wants to win in life.
They know that lack of ability is the very inspiration to get that ability.
Because they demand perfection.
And they know it’s better to demand it from themselves rather than screaming at others to be perfect; and getting frustrated when people, being different, fail at it.

Before calling them a-holes,
Let’s be aware that they aren’t hurting anyone else.
People hurt themselves; because people get jealous.
The sheer volume of ability in these perfectionists mocks people.
“I can’t do what they can” has a profound trigger to insecurity.
People taunt them, laugh at them, preach them values of team-work et-cetra, hoping to level them down, crush their individuality, get them in the mud of self-handicapped dependencies people are familiar with.
Sure; sometimes they overdo it. Sometimes they seem paranoid in their ask for being lone wolves.
But let’s remember, wolves hunt their own ways.
If you expect them to be with you, ask yourself: are you going to level up and hunt in sync with them? Can you? Or are you going to keep whining, demanding them to slow down to your level?
They are wolves. Let them hunt their way.
They have made their choices.
You can make yours.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#lonewolf #alone #independent #individuality #capable #ability #capacity #strength #skill #growth #learning #experience #focus #visionary #unique #brilliant #genius #allrounder #personality #strong #power #affect #output #expression #task #work #responsibility #business #attitude #approach

– “Guru?”
– “Yes, dear?”
– “I want the best school for my kid.”
– “Of course you do.”
– “How to identify which one is best?”
– “Have you had a good look at your own house?”
– “Uh, yes…”
– “That’s the one.”
– “I’m sorry?”
– “What better school for our kids than their own home?”
– “I don’t understand.”
– “Why do you want to send them to school?”
– “For… education, of course…?”
– “And what’s that?”
– “It’s about enabling them to use their strengths for a better future, I guess.”
– “And what’s the process for that?”
– “Proper teaching.”
– “What about proper learning?”
– “Huh?”
– “There’s no such thing as teaching, dear. There’s only learning.”
– “Alright, then I’d say… I want the best atmosphere for my child to learn.”
– “And what qualifies as that best atmosphere, dear?”
– “Discipline. Good benches and classrooms. Qualified staff. Professionals who know how to indoctrinate.”
– “Indoctrinate?”
– “Umm… Yes. I expect teachers to mould my child into a professional. Shape up a successful person.”
– “Mould? Shape up? Dear, is your child a lump of clay to be shaped into a pot?”
– “Uh, no, Guru.”
– “It seems you believe growth is a stencil of ‘perfect person’. It seems you expect education to be a process of using that stencil to draw that perfect person, like drawing the shape of a country on paper in Geography exam. My dear, kids are like those countries on the world map. Each one is shaped differently. It’s not a curse; it’s a blessing. It’s how Nature expects us to be. Different. Unique. And yet somehow integrated as one. It’s OK. Education isn’t about standardization of people. There is no ‘perfect person’. A stencil cannot be made. And even if one is made, one cannot be used to draw all people. You can’t use stencil of France to draw Australia.”
– “But then what is education?”
– “Your kid is already a person. With a personality. With certain strengths and qualities. Kids carry their parents’ genes; the seed is already there. Education is about watering that seed. Sure it’ll take further evolution. Addition of strengths and elimination of weaknesses. Education is a process that provides that opportunity for evolution.”
– “How?”
– “I asked you what’s the process for enabling kids. The answer is, exposure, interaction, observation. It’s about using programs Nature has installed among beings to learn. We learn by engagement, experience, experiments. It’s how kids learn to walk and talk inside of hardly three years. Education is about providing safe space for continuation to that exposure. Where kids will interact with each other. Their elders. Their surroundings. They’d observe changes; observe what makes things change; in what direction with which effort; absorb the experience and use it as knowledge next time.”
– “I understand now.”
– “You wanted to know what’s the best school? I’d say any place that has understood all of that, is the best place. Remember that they want to learn; not to get dictated. They want a space where their strengths shall be encouraged; not a prison where they’ll be cut in shapes they never asked. And that space starts with your own home. Your mindset. Your attitude toward your kids.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#kids #childcare #education #learning #parenting #teaching #experience #experiment #growth #success #study #school #classroom #evolution #development #personalgrowth #progress #society

Sure, we’ve been hurt.
Sure, it’s been quite a few times now.
Sure, there’s a history to it and it isn’t pretty.

Understandable, that we want to understand.
The why. The who. The how.
We want to know the mechanism of evil.
It’s a lengthy task.
Natural, that we might not always have the resolve to keep sentiments at bay.
Natural, that we’re only human; and hurt would warp our thoughts.
Question is, how much we use that as an excuse?

How true we are to the path of finding truth?
How free we are from biases?
How free we are from hate?
How free we are from prejudices?
Have we developed stencils of stereotypes?
Do we view individuals of a specific community, religion, race, caste, ethnicity, nationality, gender, financial class, through the stencil of that stereotype?
Do we measure all of them as per the dictations of that stencil?
Do we over-generalize nature of our tormentors’ to their entire community?
Is it helping us?
Or does it blind us?

If it blinds us, question is:
Who wants us blind? Why?
Who wants us to act blindly?
Who wants to pour oil in the fire of sentiments?
Who wants a war to be there?
Who sees conflicts in religions and sects and races and genders as business opportunities?
Who has seen the potential of profit in that friction among people?
Who has engineered mechanisms to control minds; turn individuals to mobs; degrade thought and generate sensationalism; make crowds gather and explode into violence? Riots? Civil wars? Invasions? Atrocities? Rape? Genocide? Ethnic cleansing?
Who knows that selling weapons to both warring parties elevates business?
Who knows how to use social media to fuel hate?
Who knows how to pit isms against isms; manipulate ideologies; present religious texts in such ways that they’re guaranteed to get misinterpreted?
Who knows how to keep intelligent and sensitive minds busy in degenerate thinking?

Who knows that negative posts keep people occupied?
Who knows that negativity attracts attention and makes people concentrate only on it?
Who knows how to use Neuro-linguistic Programming and bombard minds with negative visuals and audios?
Who knows how to make a large number of individuals believe that their survival is under threat and anarchy is here and an all-out war is imminent?

Of course someone knows.
We don’t know who. Could be anyone.
Large corporate organizations. Royal bloodlines ruling secretly since millennia. Futurists who use super-computational power at their disposal to shape the world in a fashion profitable to them. Anyone.
But we have a choice.
A choice to understand and accept that these are the key-holders of evil.
A choice to beat them at their own game.
A choice to realize that our consent is the primary tool in their hand; and refusal of that consent is ours.
A choice to accept that they manipulate us because we let them.
A choice to get real about stuff and see things for ourselves.
A choice to stop stereotyping and over-generalizing.
A choice to look at people as individuals present here and now; and not as copy-pastes of a past we want to lay on the present.
A choice to look at incidents subjectively; and not with linkages we’re told to make between the present and an unhealthy past.
A choice to be aware of our thoughts and select thoughts that are constructive, creative, positive.
A choice to refrain from reacting or commenting to hateful posts on Facebook, to make sure its algorithm stops sending such posts our way.
A choice to live a mentally clean existence.
A choice, with a positive present, for a better future.

Where we are one.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#socialmedia #facebook #hate #biases #sensationalism #violence #conflict #ideology #terrorism #business #negative #positive #thought #thinking #emotion #feeling #sentiment #awareness #understanding #abuse #choice #present #future #manipulation #stereotype #care #prejudices #unrest #riots #resentment

There are fears.
There are many fears.
Some are large. Some are small.
But one looms large over all.
It’s fear of difference in opinions.

Think about it.
Fear is measured in many ways.
But a true measure is one that compels us to do something about that fear.
And that’s violence.
One is truly scared when one acts with violence on it.
And a look at all the violence in the world tells us what we’re scared of most.
Differences.
In ideas and how they’re perceived.
Religion. God. Ideology. Isms.
It’s all there. It sheds our blood.
Again and again. We let it.
The fear compels us that much.

Except those differences will always be there. No matter how much we hate them.
Everyone is built different.
Everyone is programmed by life to think different.
Growth is in understanding that.
Growth is in accepting that.
Growth is in knowing we aren’t doing our world any favors by that acceptance.
Growth is in realising that our personal sentiments aren’t national heritage.
Nobody cares. Get real.
Maturity is in knowing it’s a logical duty we have to ourselves.
Because we want peace. And creations. And development. And progress.
That happens when we let our true natural creative potential express itself; and that’s not something we’d get to do if we keep wasting energy in silly quarrels over our differences.
We owe that growth to ourselves; otherwise why do we even exist?

The challenge isn’t in the difference in those opinions; the challenge is in dealing with the tremendous urge we get within to react to that difference with hate.
The challenge is in being bigger than that urge, fully remaining conscious about why we need it.
It takes guts to be that big one.
It takes guts to make that choice.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#differences #conflict #perception #idea #ism #opinion #sentiment #emotion #feeling #maturity #growth #society #social #focus #anger #mob #skirmish #unrest #tensions #resolution #problem_solving #personal #awareness #understanding #caring #self_help #positive #thinking

– “I’m angry.”
– “Sweet.”
– “What do you mean sweet?”
– “You chose to be angry. Must’ve been for some useful output, I believe. That’s why I said sweet. Don’t tell me it was for nothing.”
– “Are you mocking me?”
– “Ha! You’re so blind now that you can’t even figure that out on your own? You need to ask me?”
– “Don’t make me angrier. You won’t like me when I get angrier.”
– “Why do you care if I like you or not?”
– “I don’t -”
– “Isn’t that the whole point…”
– “What point?”
– “You, pathetically trying to find some appreciation and respect? Hoping display of anger would do the job?”
– “What are you talking about?”
– “You’ve seen this before lot many times, haven’t you? You’ve seen how display of anger gets people’s attention. You’ve seen how people pay heed to what the ‘dangerous angry one’ has to say. You’ve seen how the angry one suddenly becomes the important one. Who did you get it from? Your dad? Mom? Elder siblings? Teachers? Characters in movies? I can see a pattern has been set there. A program. To get into this drama every time things go wrong.”
– “Huh?”
– “Yeah; you wouldn’t have bothered with these displays if I and these others weren’t in the room. If you had no audience to watch your tantrums. That’s the whole point. You seek audience. The kind who’d think it’s for real. You want validation for your strengths. Your affect. Your existence.”
– “I don’t want to talk to you.”
– “But it ain’t really working for you, huh, sweetheart? Just ended up making a fool out of yourself, didn’t you? Yeah, plans don’t always work the way we think they would. If it’s dramas you want, then roles have to be played to perfection. Most folks ain’t actors. You ain’t one for sure.”
– “I said I don’t want to talk to you.”
– “Don’t even bother. You need to talk to yourself first. You need to ask yourself, exactly when you got this stupid idea to use anger as a tool to get the validation you want? Ask yourself, why you’ve never been able to use more constructive ways to display your strengths? Are those strengths even there? Because if they were, you’d have used them to solve your problem instead of raising blood-pressure over things you can’t control. Real strengths don’t have to be displayed; they’re naturally seen as you go by expressing the potential you have. You’ve got data. About your weaknesses. The ones that stand as obstacles in your path. It’s a call from opportunities of betterment waiting for you. And you got two options. You can play out this patterned drama repeatedly and get same stupid results; or you can go out and work on yourself and get those strengths to beat the odds. Your call either way; but don’t make the mistake of staying blind to that call. You owe yourself more than that. You deserve better. All the best to you.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#anger #anxiety #frustration #depression #panic #temper #emotion #feeling #emotional_management #reality #awareness #understanding #control #self #self_help #caring #projection #defense_mechanism #psychology #counseling #therapy #relationship #interpersonal #mindfulness

– “Teacher?”
– “Yes, my child?”
– “Is it true that the righteous face maximum pain in life?”
– “What is righteousness?”
– “It’s about… altruism. Sincerity. Commitment to certain values. Dedication to a task.”
– “All of that should minimize pains, the way I see.”
– “But it doesn’t, right?”
– “Speaking out of personal experience, child?”
– “Yes, teacher. I do believe I’m one such person. I won’t shy away from calling myself good. Mother Nature knows how I’ve lived my life so far. I’ve taken hardships. I’ve suffered pains. To body. To mind. I’ve been hurt. With actions. With words. But I’ve always placed cumulative good ahead of personal needs. I’ve made sacrifices. I’ve always made sure, that as a team or group or family or community, we reach our goals.”
– “Have you?”
– “Huh?”
– “Do you or your team or group or family or community always reach those goals?”
– “Uhh… Actually… No. But it’s not my fault, teacher. Others don’t see the value of my dedication. They don’t cooperate. They move at their own pace. All the load falls on me in the end. And that pains me. I alone can’t manage everything.”
– “How many donkeys do we have in our camp, dear?”
– “Just the one, teacher.”
– “Why?”
– “It’s… always been like that. It does all the work. We don’t need another.”
– “Except you totally do, child. We all know that. How many times that animal has fallen and got injured? Too many times. Yet, you kids force the poor creature to do all the work. You know why? It’s basic human tendency. Once we see someone says yes to a task, we see if they say yes to another. And another, and so on. We don’t check results, as we should.”
– “Yes, teacher…”
– “Is something similar happening to you, child? That poor donkey can’t talk. But you can. You could communicate your limits to others and take up tasks that actually suit your strengths. But you don’t talk. You think. You think in patterned ways. You think the way you’ve been programmed since childhood. Notions of altruism and righteousness, and big words like commitment and dedication warp your self-image. You begin seeing yourself as larger than what you are. You say yes to all tasks; for you seek a pride in all that sacrifice.”
– “That’s… so true…”
– “Except ultimately you fail; as it’s inevitable. Who are you, superhuman? You pay a price for thinking you are. In terms of pain to body and mind, as Nature proves your limits to you with your failures. Your superiors don’t give a damn about your sacrifices; they seek results. Results which aren’t there. Others don’t step in, because the ‘selflessly sacrificing donkey’ is always available. They don’t even move with their own pace; they actually slow it down. Your self-sacrifice actually pampers their laziness, child.”
– “I see it now.”
– “Learn from what you see. Get real. About yourself. And your tasks. Know that everything isn’t your burden to carry. You have limits. You’ll always have limits. Work with the strengths you have. You can opt to face new challenges; but know that it’s for personal gains. Before you begin thinking about ‘cumulative good’, see if others have arisen to their senses about it. No need to be a saint. You can try communicating such values. You can try training them. But ultimately you can’t animate them. The decision has to be theirs. If they simply fail to understand that it’s for the greater good, then know that it’s their fate to pay for that ignorance. They’d be choosing that fate for themselves. Let Nature reward them as per who they choose to be. Who are you to stand in Nature’s way? They aren’t your children. You don’t need to be anybody’s parent. In the end, only person in your control, is you. Make your choices accordingly.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#work #task #responsibility #stress #tensions #anxiety #problem #solution #management #team #group #deadline #career #job #assignment #project #boss #dedication #commitment #self #self_care #self_help #teamwork #business #strengths #weaknesses #training #depression #problem_solving #focus

We’ve met many of them.
But we haven’t met all of them.
Our friends might’ve met many of them.
Their stories might be same as ours.
Except that we make friends with only those people who’re configured more or less same as us.
So again, we haven’t heard all stories.

Our stories are bad.
Our pain is real. Our hurt is true.
There’s no denying that.
We were deceived, when looks guaranteed assurance.
We were betrayed, when smiles assured trust.
We were tricked, when perfumes and wrist-watches and suits and cars and sensuously crossed legs and leather purses and high-heels and cute voices and soft touches offered a future.
We are angry. And for good reason.

But before we stereotype the opposite gender;
Before we over-generalize few liars’ behavior to that entire gender-group;
Let’s have some introspection.
Let’s be real about that pain.
Not to blame the victim; but to avoid getting victimized again.
Do we honestly believe we could never have seen that pain coming?
Were we watching, in the first place?
Did we bother to stay vigilant?
Were we cautious and conscious?
They were wolves and we were rabbits;
But do we realize that wolves can exist only because someone agrees to be a rabbit?
Only because someone agrees to be tricked into a trap?
When looks suggested assurance, did we know that it’s not about what’s visible, it’s about what’s invisible, that needs to be brought out in the light and checked for real, to get that assurance?
When smiles offered trust, did we wait and check if those smiles reached those calculating eyes?
When we were busy getting thrilled over the great dressing sense and fluent language and sweet words and expensive goods, were we conscious that truth is hidden behind all the glitter?
Did we realize that it was OUR task to look for it? For ourselves?

Of course we knew about all that caution at some level, but we conveniently forgot that it was our choice to acknowledge and apply that caution.
We fell in a pit. Was there an appeal to it? Did we agree to go with the fall?
It was cool and hot and sexy and exciting; so did we make the choice of shutting our eyes about the truth behind it?
It was wishful thinking that all will be alright; did we not want to disturb that alluring smoke-screen by staying real and true to ourselves and our needs and our safety? Did we choose to forego logic?
Did we pay a price for it?

We still wish to have what we want.
Sure we do. We’ll never stop wishing that.
Nothing wrong with it.
But now we’ve turned things into a game.
We’ve begun to caress our wounds and keep them alive.
We’ve begun to question the existence of good in the world; there’s an alluring appeal to believe it doesn’t exist.
It’s a defense mechanism we play with ourselves. We want to believe it’s all a lie; we hope it’ll soothe our defeat; it’s ‘fox and the sour grapes’; we do not want to reach out to the grapes anymore.

We can choose to say this is it.
We can say our painful experience is the finality of everything.
Or we can make a difference. With awareness.
Next time we get an opportunity, we can apply our experience as a learning and check for things we didn’t earlier.
No need to use the past as a stencil to see the present through; no need to use the scope of our pain to view everything; but we can apply what we know now as checkmarks.
It’s not about what to see in the other person; it’s about being true to ourselves as we are; and presenting ourselves as we are without getting swooped by all the glitter; and seeing how that person responds to that true form of ours. THAT, my friend, shall bring out the truth in that person. THAT, is how we check reality. THAT, is how we assess a future.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor & Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#love #relationship #pain #loss #hurt #depression #resentment #breakup #boyfriend #girlfriend #dating #romance #sex #commitment #people #married #divorce #husband #wife #cheating #trust #emotion #feeling #thinking #thought #learning #past #present #future #awareness

“You’re hurt.”

“And angry.”

“At whom?”

“At him. At myself. At you too.”

“Why me?”

“You’re one of them.”

“Who?”

“Men.”

“I see. And that’s enough to hate me?”

“Am I crazy?”

“You’re angry. Which confuses us all.”

“I really thought he was the one.”

“Because?”

“He used to talk so sweet. He used to look at me so sweet. He used to bring me flowers. But most important, he told me he cared for me. That he’d protect me.”

“From what?”

“I… don’t know. But it felt nice to hear him say it. He was my ‘knight in the shining armor’.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I once asked him, ‘Would you stay with me even if I make it so difficult to be with me?’ He answered yes. Without hesitation. Without even a moment’s pause. It was so sweet.”

“Except that you caught him with another woman today.”

“Bastard. I hate him.”

“Can I ask something?”

“I know. This isn’t the first time this has happened to me. That’s what you wanted to know, right?”

“Absolutely not. I already know this has happened to you before.”

“Then?”

“Question is, why did you let it happen again?”

“Are you blaming the victim? Me?”

“Is that how you see yourself?”

“Am I not?”

“Maybe. Question is, who victimized you?”

“The bastard did, of course.”

“Sure he did. But was he the only one?”

“You mean… I was an accomplice too?”

“You? No. But an idea was.”

“What idea?”

“Check what you’ve told me so far. You liked that he said he’d protect you. From what? You don’t know. You didn’t ask him either. Am I sensing an unconscious belief in you that you’d always need someone else to protect you? Is that romantic? Is that realistic? Or is it that your soul keeps warning you that you need to work on yourself and reassess some aspects of your personality you’ve carried since childhood; and your response to that is to fervently believe that some ’knight in the shining armor’ would come and rescue you? You’re a strong, independent woman. Do you realize that you invalidate your own strength when you keep such expectations? Do you realize that you expect that hero of yours to “rescue” you out of nothing but you? What’s your life position? Is it ‘You’re OK but I’m not OK’? Why? Would it really be a sin to say here that our life-situations are born out of those same vacuums we leave unfulfilled?”

“Do you have any idea how difficult it is for a girl to –“

“I don’t. I agree. I’m sure you have a ton of poems to throw at my face, depicting the pain in all the sadness you’ve earned your entire life; I’m sure you’re eager to throw at my face how difficult it is for a girl to apply her strengths and be herself in this oh-so-bad society. I agree. It’s difficult. And I’m sure there are problems your gender-group faces that, I, as a guy, might not fully understand ever. But let’s talk about you, as an individual, rather than as a representative of your gender-group. Do you honestly, seriously, believe that there is not a single pocket of vacuum in you that you could not have fulfilled and fortified on your own?”

“I accept that there are certain thought processes in me that I haven’t assessed since childhood. I just… let them dictate my life. But still, there are other things for which a girl would want to hear that ‘I’m there for you’. Not because she is weak; but because… I don’t know… Maybe because a girl wants assurance? Trust in the future of relationship? Hope of leading to a good life? Is it a sin to expect that?”

“Surely not. But is it smart to rush to believe that you’ve got that assurance? What happened in case of your ‘hero’? You asked him would he stay with you even if you made it really difficult. He said yes quickly and you thought it was sweet. It wasn’t, dear. Oh no, it wasn’t!”

“Why?”

“Do you honestly believe your expectation has any value to it? Let it be any two people in the world; irrespective of their genders. When one throws it at another’s face that ‘I’m going to be crazy and you just gonna have to deal with it’, we basically convey that ‘I’m gonna be a problem-child and you gonna be my parent.’ Why the hell would the other person agree? It’s one thing to expect understanding when things get difficult; but here you’re openly saying you’ll actively try to destroy the relationship and expect the other to play the silent sufferer. Which self-respecting person would say yes to that crap?”

“Oh…”

“Except your guy actually said yes. It was because he knew this was never going to reach that level. He had always planned to have his way with you and run away once the fun was over. You lost yourself to the cute smiles and pretty words. But did you check for any proof behind those eyes? Did you check if he really had what it takes to support a relationship? A real knight who knows how to get the job done doesn’t show up in a shining armor, dear. He shows up bloodied and battered and bruised. He shows up with a dented and chinked armor. He just fought a goddamn war for you. How the hell can his armor be shining? You getting me? When he hears your expectation, he wouldn’t quickly say ‘yes’. He’d ask, ‘Why?’ He’d want to know why you’re invalidating your strength. Sure he’ll agree to work with you to find your strengths and bring them out in the open and be with a warrior-woman; but he’ll refuse to play the rescuer for a damsel in distress who’ll forever stay distressed as if it’s her identity.”

“This is… new for me…”

“Turn your anger to understanding. Your anger is obscuring your vision. I understand why you’ve started stereotyping men; but it’d do none of us any good. There are real knights in the world. They aren’t perfect; they don’t claim to have an answer to all questions. They have their own challenges, as you do. They’ll be real about stuff. They want to fight this battle shoulder-to-shoulder with you. They want to fight together. Learn from your past and stay vigilant. Join arms; together you’ll be unbeatable. That, my friend, is equality. That, is what we want, now.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

#love #romance #relationship #she #he #boyfriend #girlfriend #feminism #sexism #masochism #breakup #pain #depression #stereotype #thought #emotion #feeling #betrayal #commitment #real #guy #girl #issues #resentment #mindset #deception #psychology #sex #cheating

 

“…but I felt insulted.”

“And you reacted.”

“Naturally.”

“What was the outcome?”

“They reacted to my reaction. The argument continued.”

“They found something to use in your reaction for their next attack.”

“Yes.”

“As people always do. It’s same as a duel; a combat.  An attack provokes emotion; triggering an equally opposite reaction in the form of an answering attack. But a clever opponent knows that such a spontaneous, emotionally charged retaliation leaves spaces open and undefended, which can be exploited and used for a killing hit.”

“So what’s the remedy?”

“Self-control. It’s same as wearing armor in a duel. Sure it slows you down; but it leaves you with a facility to actually let a strike hit you without fear of injury. It gets you out of the compulsion of action and reaction, a course driven by your opponent for his benefit. Instead of reacting to it, you can invest focus in studying it: it informs you about your opponent’s strengths and spaces he forfeits in his zest to hurt you. It’s useful data. Your opponent could be man or challenges of life itself. An attack, an insult, a taunt, by man or life, asks for attention, appreciation, consideration, and reaction. Absent one, an opponent is left with a need to reassess you.  And it’s in that phase that you can select a time and place for retaliation, as per your choice. It’s in that phase that you use the knowledge you have of him now; and strike a killing hit of your own when his reassessment is yet to finish.”

“And how to get that self-control?”

“Three things. First: Awareness. Know your ultimate goal. It isn’t maintenance of your pride and waste time in momentary elements of combat. It’s that you want to win, in the end. And winning is in being the one who is still standing, in the end. It’s that resilience that helps you win. Think big. Have that broader perspective.”

“I see.”

“Two: Channel. Pride will keep hurting if you focus on NOT reacting to things. It’ll keep urging you react; and you’ll end up fighting with yourself and drain your energy. Trick is to channel attention to data collection. Trick is to notice how your opponent chooses to hurt you. Trick is to absorb that data factually; to be engrossed in that study so as to save yourself from feeling the hurt to pride.”

“And the last one?”

“Three: Conversion. You WILL feel pain. You’ll want to cancel it. You can’t. Pain is energy. It cannot be destroyed. But it can be converted into another form. It can be the very inspiration you need to do something about it. It can be the energy you’ll need for your retaliation, for when and how you plan it. Invest focus in turning collected data into structuring a mechanism in which you shall use that data against your opponent. Data collection and plotting an action-plan for its use should happen simultaneously, with fluidity and flexibility of thought, as new data pours in. Pain shall provide energy for it; so welcome it. Let it convert to useful work. It’s that approach to pain that makes it your greatest strength.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

 

#fight #duel #struggle #challenge #resilience #inspiration #winner #control #self #mind #power #strength #patience #pain #retaliation #reaction #response #situation #management #emotion #feeling #thought #think #perspective #attitude #approach #restraint #resolve #courage #integrity

“Why isn’t it working for me?”

“Why it should’ve worked for you?”

“Because… it worked for others…?”

“Is that a statement or a question?”

“I… I don’t know. Everyone says it worked for them.”

“Did you check?”

“No… But everyone says -“

“Doesn’t matter what everyone says. For some, it might’ve worked. For majority, it didn’t.”

“Then why do they say it worked?”

“People lie. People are good at it. They have practice. They’ve been lying their entire life. There’s a reason. Success is subjective. It’s different for everyone. Success is when someone’s personality expresses itself, naturally, at its highest frequency. And that personality is unique. Wining has to be customized to suit an individual’s unique personality. It takes exploration. It takes knowing what that personality is. It takes sincere effort to know oneself and find a way to let that self express. It takes time. People are lazy. Most of them are. They don’t want to make that effort. They want someone else to hand over a “success mantra” in a ready-to-eat fashion. They want to fall prey to the convenient belief that one idea shall work for everybody. The clever and the cunning know how to cash on it. They throw it in the air that they have that supreme idea. They know people will believe that lie because their intellectual laziness would demand it. Just like you did.”

“I… I have to accept I was that fool. So what should I do?”

“Accept that success isn’t canned food. You have to cook it. It makes sense to talk about success only when you want it as a desire; not a need. Go find what suits your taste. Go out and get the ingredients and spices for that dish. Invest time in it. Be aware that there are steps for cooking a dish. Effort changes as things heat up to different levels at different times. There are things you add all at the same time. There are things you wait to get cooked to the right color; meanwhile you get busy with chopping some onions, to be fried simultaneously in a different pan. But ultimately these are all just generic guidelines. It isn’t text-book recipe. In the end you’ve got to know how YOU want things, juicy or crunchy. It’s your thing. Always be aware of that individuality and that independence of personal success. Then you win.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

#success #failure #try #effort #focus #ambition #dreams #goals #growth #progress #development #transformation #mantra #inspiration #motivation #achievement #accomplishment #self #self_help #personality #expression #winner #idea #unique #individual #living #business #career #commitment #investment

You have an appointment.

With your success. Later.

With your failure. First.

You asked for it. You asked for victory.

Life demands that it wouldn’t be a destination.

It’s what you turn yourself into.

The challenge isn’t without; it’s within.

Winning, is to chisel the unwanted part out of you.

That part will hit you. Hard. Relentlessly.

“It ain’t how hard you hit. It’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.” – Rocky Balboa.

Wining, is to hear that part appealing you to stop and fail and fall down comfortably and stay there; and not paying heed to it.

Winning, is to take a beating relentlessly for your resilience; until nobody is beating you.

Winning, is to feel the negativity in you screaming; until you don’t.

Winning, is to get uncomfortable; until you don’t.

Winning, is to feel that hurt; until you don’t.

Winning, is to feel a want to stop; except you don’t.

Winning, is to disappoint yourself repeatedly; until you don’t.

Winning, is to get ridiculously tired; until you aren’t.

Winning, is to hope the next moment is your win; and seeing it isn’t; until it is.

Winning, is to ask for a break; and not giving yourself one; until you begin not needing one.

Winning, is to fail repeatedly; until you don’t.

Winning, is in choosing to win each moment anew.

Winning, is in being relentless.

Be relentless.

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#success #positive #relentless #effort #winner #legend #focus #dedication #commitment #sincere #will #mind_power #inspiration #motivation #challenge #resilience #progress #development #advancement #achievement #accomplishment #ambition #goals #growth #dreams #fight #struggle #self_help #transformation #life_coach

 

 

 

“Is it always so lonely at the top?”

“Is it lonely during the journey?”

“Sometimes.”

“What are you doing about it?”

“I try to hold on to people. They seem determined to leave me.”

“People accompany you only up to the point they understand your actions.”

“And as one reaches growth they never did, that understanding runs thin. And so does the company. I thought I knew it was lonely at the top and I could manage it. Turns out I can’t. It’s too much. I want people; they don’t want me. I have no idea why they’re doing this to me. You can sing praises of compromises all you want; but they don’t work that much in the end. Very few have stayed; but they too look at me as if they have no idea who I am.”

“Do you?”

“Huh?”

“Have you met yourself?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You aren’t the same as you were. Your success isn’t a destination you reach. It’s what you turn yourself into. By working on your weaknesses and engaging in your strengths more often. It remodels you. Reshapes you. It evolves you into something new. You’ve been very good at it; but my question is, have you done it consciously? Have you brought all of what you’ve become into conscious awareness? Have you been alert about the entire process, to begin with? Are you controlling your walk? Are you making conscious, knowing choices about the paths you walk on? Or is it that you’re too high on the fumes of this success and it’s taking you along for a ride?”

“I…need to process this.”

“Do so. It’s important.”

“Why?”

“External observations are mere reflections of internal reality, my friend. People have alienated you; for you have alienated yourself. Friends and loved ones don’t know you anymore; for you don’t know yourself anymore. And it shows. Your actions confuse them; your words and behavior unsettle them; for you have no idea yourself why you do what you do. You have fallen out of tune with yourself. Befriend yourself anew. Know yourself; people will come back. Maybe the old ones; or maybe new ones; maybe both. Establish a firm connection with yourself. Live your success consciously. Choose consciously. Stop following stereotypes of winners and achievers. Remember that success means nothing if it shines alright but doesn’t lighten up your unique personality. Remember the subjectivity of success. Remember that success is about letting your own personality express itself. The moment you think it’s about adopting someone else’s persona, you fool yourself. Select paths that really resonate with you. Win consciously; find your tune again; you’ll get people tuned to your frequencies too.”

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor & Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

 

 

#success #achievement #accomplishment #fulfillment #winner #gains #potential #effort #progress #development #betterment #peace #life #living #lifestyle #corporate #business #career #profession #friends #social_life #relations  #love #personal #space #interpersonal #conscious #awareness #choice #self

Not each word is voiced.

Some eyes speak a lot.

We see; but do we look?

 

Not each thought is spoken.

Some touches ask a lot.

We hold hands; but do we feel?

 

Not each question seeks answer.

Some calls go unanswered.

We hear; but do we listen?

 

Not each text has smileys.

Some texts take minutes and yet show only “hmm”.

We see them “online”; do we ask why the delay?

 

Not each smile is happy.

Some laughs don’t reach eyes.

We give “high-fives”; do we realize why they try to hold on to that connect?

 

Not each one of them is shy.

Some righteous offerings remember humiliation.

We call them introverts; do we realize they weren’t born as ones?

 

Not each thirst asks water.

Sometimes we forget to provide warmth first.

We know language; do we have dialogue?

 

We call ourselves extroverts.

Funny we hardly know our own loved ones.

We have many connections; do we have bondage?

 

Not each stammer is a speech-impediment.

Some words fear misinterpretation.

We wait for them to finish; do we realize our patience isn’t a favor to them?

 

Not each gaze is averted.

Some eyes search ours.

We match stares; do we hear the call of their souls?

 

Not that they have nothing to say.

Once they started, they’d overwhelm us with what they’ve seen.

We rush to give answers; can we empathize first?

 

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor and Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#introvert #extrovert #shy #silent #emotion #feeling #thinking #thought #hurt #pain #unspoken #speech #impediment #disorder #depression #anxiety #sympathy #empathy #relationship #social #interpersonal #dialogue #communication #warmth #love #bondage #connection #friends #counseling

“Hello

There’s something I want to say.
Actually, two things.

Sorry. And, thank you!

The other day, during our group discussion, I was quite too aggressive in my approach. I realised later I said some things which might’ve been offensive to your beliefs. When I stepped down from my high horse, I thought I had messed up our relation bad. I was just coming to you to say sorry; but there you were, suddenly at my side, with a smile on your face; you asked me out for a coffee; I said yes; and just like that we were friends again. It was amazing! I’ve never seen such tolerance and patience and maturity in a person. Thanks a lot being you! I never got to the part where I was supposed to say sorry; so I’m writing this now. I’m so sorry for hurting your feelings. I’ll be careful next time.

Yours

***

“Hi

First and foremost, I do not accept your apology.

You know why?

It’s because one is so not necessary, dear!! Hey, it’s OK! You didn’t hurt my feelings. And no, I didn’t do anything special by offering you tolerance. Yes, it’s true that your opinions contrasted my belief systems. But that difference is what makes us people; otherwise we’d have been robots – programmed with the same idea. There’s nothing special about being patient with that difference; it’s a logical duty we all have to ourselves.

Of course a difference will always be there. As it should. As it’s natural. We all come from different places and spaces in life. We’re all entitled to our opinions, formed out of our unique life experiences; but more than that we’re all also entitled to have a difference in those opinions.

We two never stopped being friends. Even when you were saying things I wouldn’t agree to, we were still friends. Hey, what’s a friendship if we can’t grant each other that space where we can voice out ourselves, without the fear of the differences in those opinions?

I did you no favor. It’s a simple understanding of life. If we rush to attack each other’s beliefs and force ours on each other every time, then we’ll never have any time left for constructive ideas for life. Human race has wasted too much time in such quarrels. I wouldn’t want to be an addition to that decay.

There’s a Shawarma joint I know nearby. Wanna come?

Yours

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#tolerance #patience #disagreement #opinion #perception #voice #belief #thought #awareness #feeling #emotion #idea #concept #life #individual #social #society #difference #religion #race #racism #atheism #ism #flexibility #maturity #quarrel #fight #resentment #conflict #understanding

She is late. And tired. And famished.
She rings the call bell.
The old woman opens the door.
Angry eyes assess her from head to toe.
She knows she wouldn’t get entry in the house – her own house, for which she has been paying EMI since long – unless she completes the ordeal of those usual questions.

“Where were you?”
“I was working.”
“So late? Do you even realise what time it is?”

Yes. She does. She perfectly does.
The empty bus told her.
The four rowdies at the back of the bus told her.
Their comments and laughter told her.
The dark of the night and the darkness of their lustful eyes told her.
She says nothing. And then she hears it.

“Do you know what they call women who work in the night?”
She knows. She has been called a “whore”, “bitch”, “slut” way too many times. By this same woman. Her mother-in-law. The mother of her dead husband.

She laughs a bitter laugh. The whole reason she sells her intelligence and mind till late in the night for her bosses in her company, is so that she wouldn’t have to sell her body in the dark of night. Doesn’t save her from those titles, however. The irony hits her hard; her laughter gets heavy. The old woman mistakes it for arrogance.

“Working, huh? With whom? Who knows what goes on in that office of yours? If you actually go there, that is. Haven’t found a guy on the side, did you?”

A guy? Sure. Plenty are waiting. She has seen open invitations in hungry eyes all around her. One or two have also shown a promise of emotional comfort; although she knows better than to fall for it.
Sometimes she wonders. She wonders, what would happen, if she answers to that call she sometimes gets from between her thighs. Sure she gets one. Nature doesn’t particularly care for her situation. It’s been three years since… he left her. Three years since she has last felt a man’s hand on her body. There are many opportunities. Some of them actually look pretty good. All she has to do is to nod. She doesn’t.

She suddenly gets to that level of fatigue that actually energizes you to do something about it. She pushes past the old worn out gal; and rushes to her son’s room. He is asleep, of course. He looks much like her. Like, back when she used to look innocent and… un-hurt. It brings a smile to her face. Then her eyes move up to her son’s father’s photo, framed on the desk. The old woman is still throwing some insults her way; but she tunes her out. Her dead husband’s live eyes look back at her. Suddenly the weight of her life-situation crashes on her anew. She lets it. It breaks into pieces that cascade down her body and settle near her feet.

‘This is my life,’ she thinks to herself. ‘A fight for three souls. One too young to understand it. One too worn out to understand it. One is me; too tired to care about that no-one understands it.’

She checks her phone. A message.
From her sister-in-law. “I think you should not work so late. Mommy gets upset. In our family, women don’t work; be happy that she lets you.” She gets the feeling that “mommy” here must’ve been spreading the horror of her “whore daughter-in-law” far and wide.
She deletes the message. Then she takes it one step further and blocks the contact. End of a relation — what relation?
Yes, she is a whore. Struggling for her son and herself and an old woman who doesn’t know her own daughter wouldn’t do what the daughter-in-law does for her. She has never sold her body. She is a whore alright.

Then she notices another message. She had received it in the evening. She had read it. She hadn’t responded to it. It’s from a colleague from her client company. The one she met in that conference last month. The one she has actually met one too many times since then. On official business, of course – she reminds herself. The one who sports a navy buzz cut and a moustache. The one who knows about her dead husband; the one who never enquires about it; the one who never said “You can call me any time you want”, the way dozens of others have said. The one who is a bit shy, maybe; but thinks logically, talks rationally; behaves reasonably. The one who, somehow, never creeps her out.

His message reads, “Can we meet for coffee tomorrow? I’m in town.”
She checks the message timing. It’s 7:15pm. Now it’s 11:59pm. His last-seen is 11:30pm. He didn’t text again. He didn’t text “hi?”, “hello?”, “are you there?” dozens of times. He let her have her time. He didn’t push for it.

She breathes in. She breathes out.
With all thoughts regarding morality, tradition and function aligned on a crystal-clear line in her mind, she replies, “Sure”.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#moral #morality #ethics #culture #tradition #function #modern #time #social #society #mentality #old #new #youth #young #woman #man #she #he #widow #person #life #living #choice #change #attitude #approach #perspective #focus #independent

“It’s been five years. It still hurts.”
“I feel you.”
“I want relief from this pain.”
“It’s a choice. Make it.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Understand that pain. It’ll show you a way.”
“How can pain show a way; when pain is the problem?”
“Pain isn’t the problem. Problem is, we don’t use it.”
“What is pain?”
“Pain demands to be felt. Feeling is emotionalized thought. We paste our thoughts over an emotion; it becomes a feeling. Pain is when we aren’t conscious of the thoughts we paste. Left unconscious, emotion selects thoughts suitable to it; attracting more and more of them. It leads to a chaotic lump of disarrayed thoughts. They stress us. Relief, is about bringing those thoughts into conscious awareness.”
“Meaning?”
“Intellectualization. It’s about asking questions to those thoughts, and finding answers in real terms. What really happened? Why it happened? What made it possible? How it could’ve been avoided? With which precautions? How we can implement them, now? How we can stay vigilant and foresee the onset of the same problem, in future? This is what I mean, when I say ‘use pain’.”
“I see. But memory will still be there. It won’t take the pain away.”
“No it won’t; it’ll take YOU away from the pain. There’s a reason pain demands to be felt. It’s uncomfortable; as Nature has designed it. It’s the inspiration we need to work on it and get away from it. Don’t forget that it’s emotion; and emotion is ENERGY. Untapped potential. We FEEL it; we process it; we use it to turn thoughts into ACTIONS. Those actions turn energy into useful work; we feel light. Those actions give us a broader perspective to look at the memory; help us grow bigger than it. It’s how we beat anything. It’s how you’ll beat pain too.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#pain #memory #experience #learning #lesson #loss #sad #sadness #emotion #feeling #thinking #thought #expression #perspective #approach #intellectualization #viewpoint #action #implementation #past #present #growth #maturity #mind #psychology #depression #disorder #relief #unconscious #conscious

It starts with a phone ring.
You know who it is.
You don’t want to take this call.
Not right now.
You take the call.
“Do you have a minute?” You don’t.
“Sure…”

They take twenty minutes. Just to describe what happened. It’s all bad. Nothing’s new in it. It happens to them every day. Maybe by the same people. You know it all. Not that all of it is their fault. But a major portion is. Their clinging to patterned reactions. Their inability for responding to the situation. Their inability to manage emotions which they mistake for sensitivity. Their inability for anger management. It’s all there.

Point is, you don’t stop them.
Point is, you keep listening.
Point is, you’ve played the part of good listener way too many times; you’ve also attempted your part of a good adviser; you’ve explained their situation to them repeatedly and pointed out better ways to deal with the situation that they haven’t tried even once.
Point is, you know well that their “problem” has become their tool and whining about it is how they express their “poor victim” identity.
Point is, it kills you. Emotionally.
Point is, you let it. Point is, why?

Sure, they’ve chosen their roles.
Point is, what role have you chosen? And why? What’s the pay-off? What do you get out of it? Are we fulfilling demands of programs set since childhood? Mommy used to say, “When someone cries, you SHOULD be there for them.” Mommy didn’t say how many times. Are we satisfying mommy’s programs? Is it helping? Or is it that you see something of yourself in your “poor victim” buddy; and listening to them is how you’re trying to deal with your own problems? Some mute version of catharsis? As in, “I won’t talk about it but I’ll listen when someone else does and relate with it”? Does it help? Or is it that you’re in a bad want of social relations and you’re scared this one will go away if you stop letting him/her dump negativity in you? Do the outcomes outweigh the inputs? Do we realise that we’re choosing it all? Are we conscious about it? And what’s the result? While providing others with a shoulder to cry on, are we losing our ability to lift ourselves above our own problems?

Explore, my friend. Explore.
And if you find something that’s NOT constructive at all, know that it’s OK to get out of that scripted behavior.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#relations #social #society #friend #friendship #listen #relief #sorrows #complaint #cry #pain #loss #behavior #emotion #feeling #thinking #thought #script #OK #pattern #reaction #response #TA #transactional_analysis #Child_Ego_State #Adult_Ego_State #Parent_Ego_State #belief #psychology #counseling

“Teacher?”
“Yes, my child?”
“Do you think I can be successful?”
“What is success?”
“Success is accomplishment.”
“Of what?”
“Of a chosen goal.”
“So you see it as a destination?”
“Yes.”
“Then there must be a path as well. Yes?”
“I believe so.”
“What does one need to walk on that path?”
“Potential. Ability to walk, basically.”
“Am I right to assume that you believe you lack that potential?”
“Yes, Teacher.”
“Tell me. How a walk is measured?”
“By the total distance traversed.”
“So, according to you, potential is measured by the sum of entire effort. Yes?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“Now tell me. What’s a walk, basically?”
“It’s… one foot placed next to the other.”
“So it’s a chain of little steps?”
“Yes.”
“One surely doesn’t cover the entire path in a single lunge, yes?”
“Obviously.”
“So despite of the fact that the walk and the potential for it is measured by total length of the path, one needs not concern oneself with it. All one needs to focus on, at any given moment, is to place that one foot next to the other. Do you have your answer now, Child?”
“I do now, Teacher. I was overwhelming myself with the total volume of the effort. It was blinding me to the basic truth of life. Life is in here and now. Effort is only about what we do at present moment. And it’s no different than doing what we can; doing what we know; doing what our abilities allow for that moment. And it’ll suffice, so long as we engage into it each moment; dying to the past and living in here and now. Potential for success isn’t in the entirety of the length of the path; for no-one covers it in a single lunge. Potential is only about that one little step forward. And I have it. Anyone has it. It’s simple. Winning is in doing what we can; only caution is being consistent in it. Aligning all the steps in a straight line. Thank you, Teacher.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #win #winner #result #goal #achievement #accomplishment #gains #fulfilment #aspiration #ambition #dreams #inspiration #motivation #awareness #understanding #effort #struggle #fight #focus #dedication #commitment #growth #betterment #improvement #progress #advancement #evolution #development

© अपूर्व विकास

जिवंत राहायचंय.
आणि जगायचंय.

जिवंत राहणं, म्हणजे survival.
जगणं, म्हणजे जीवन-ध्येयांची पूर्ती. प्रगती. वृद्धी. यश.
जिवंत राहिल्याशिवाय जगणं होणार नाही. अर्थपूर्ण जगल्याशिवाय नुसतं जिवंत राहण्यात मजा नाही.
लक्ष दोन्हीकडे. एकाच वेळी.

Survival साठी निसर्गनियम समजावून घेणं गरजेचंय. चार्ल्स डार्विनने उत्क्रांतिवादात सांगून ठेवलंय, “Survival of the fittest; elimination of the weak.” जो जमवून आणतो तो टिकतो; बाकीचे मार खातात. विषय संपला.

Predator म्हणजे शिकारी.
Prey म्हणजे सावज.
“शिकारी का आहेत?” याचं उत्तर “सावजं उपलब्ध आहेत, म्हणून.” ससे आहेत म्हणून लांडगे आहेत. मुद्दा हा आहे, की “ससा असणं” आणि “लांडगा असणं” एवढेच पर्याय उपलब्ध आहेत का ? नाही. मार्जारकुळाने स्वत:ला उत्क्रांत करून “सिंह असणं” हा पर्यायही उपलब्ध करून दिलाय. तुम्ही जंगलाचे राजे होऊ शकता. पण तिथे परत अडचण येते. तरसांचा कळप एकट्या सिंहावर हल्ला करतो, तेव्हा त्याच्या राजेपणालाही जीव वाचवण्यासाठी शिकार तरसांच्या हवाली करून पळ काढण्याचं शरमिंदेपण स्वीकारावं लागतं.

अनुकूलन क्षमतेचा खरा दावेदार आहे, तो म्हणजे हत्ती. बुलंदता कशी ती हत्तीकडून शिकावी. जंगलातल्या सर्वात जास्त काळ जगणाऱ्या प्राण्यांपैकी एक म्हणून उत्क्रांतीने त्याला मान्यता दिल्ये; यावरूनच त्याच्या सक्षमतेची पावती मिळते. तो त्याच्या भारदस्त चालीने त्याच्या डौलात चालत येतो. दिमाखात वावरतो. त्याच्यावर चाल करून येण्याची हिंमत करत नसतं कुणी. तो लढत नाही. तो उचलून फेकून देतो. पाठीचे कणे फुटतात; माना तुटतात. परवडत नाही कुणाला. तो गर्जना नि डरकाळ्या काढत नाही. स्वत:च्या ताकदीचं प्रदर्शन नसतं त्याचं. गरज वाटत नाही. स्वत:ची असुरक्षितता झाकण्यासाठी दुसऱ्यांना घाबरवणारे पाहून तो मनोमन हसतो. पोरखेळ वाटतात त्याला ते. त्याला राज्य वगैरे करण्यात उत्साह नसतो; परत तेच – गरज नसते. जे कमकूवत आहेत त्यांच्या अशक्तपणाला वेठीस धरून सत्ता गाजवण्याचा लोचटपणा करण्यात क्षणभर मजा असते; पण इतर सत्तापीपासूंचे दात मानेत घुसण्याची भीतीही क्षणोक्षणी असते. त्यापेक्षा स्वत:च्या ताकदीला हरक्षणी वाढवत नेऊन तिला पूर्णत्वाने व्यक्त करण्यातली मजा त्याला माहीत असते. तो शिकार करत नाही. स्वत:ची भूक भागवण्यासाठी दुसऱ्यांचे जीव घेण्यात कुजकट मजबुरी असते; त्यात कौतुकाचं काहीही नसतं. तो झाडपाल्यावर पोट भरतो. इतरांना जगू देतो.

आपण हत्ती व्हायला हवं.
“त्रास कुणाला दिला जातो?” या प्रश्नाचं सोपं उत्तर हेच, की “जो मार खाण्यासारखा असेल त्याला.” लढाऊ व्हायला हवं; पण तेवढं पुरेसं नाही. शत्रूचा लढाईत पराभव कराल; पण त्याने त्याला पुन:पुन्हा हल्ला करण्याची ईर्ष्या मिळेल. त्याला ठार करालही; पुढे त्याचं पोरगं बदला घ्यायला येईल. मग नातू. हे अव्याहत चालू राहील. त्यापेक्षा आपल्या किल्ल्याला भरभक्कम तटबंदी करा. आक्रमणाचे इरादे तिथे ढेपाळतात. व्यक्तिमत्वाला भरभक्कम करा. अनुभव, बुद्धी, अन् अक्कल वापरा. विचारात विवेक घ्या. विचारापुढे कृती असू द्या. मनाला सकारात्मक विचारांची आणि शरीराला व्यायामाची शिस्त येऊ द्या. जावा आणि डॉट नेट शिकणं हे आयुष्याचं इतिकर्तव्य नव्हे; स्व-संरक्षणाचेही धडे गिरवायला हवेत. उच्चाराला उपयुक्त तेच बोलण्याची आणि आचाराला सतत स्वत:च्या मर्यादा जिंकण्याची शिस्त येऊ द्या. आयुष्यात स्वत:च्या personal space मध्ये काम करून स्वत:ला सतत सक्षम करत राहा. दुनियादारी खड्ड्यात गेली. घराण्याचे, जातीचे नि धर्माचे बुळचट दुराभिमान फेकून द्या; स्वत:वर लक्ष ठेवून स्वत:ला मोठं करा. एकेक मर्यादा जिंकत गेल्यावर मनात एक स्वत्वशील, सात्विक शांत आत्मविश्वास निर्माण होतो. तो तुम्ही काही न बोलता इतरांनाही जाणवेल. मेंदूत विद्युतशक्ती आणि रासायनिक ऊर्जेमार्फत क्षणोक्षणी विचारतरंग ( neurochemical signals) निर्माण होतात आणि इतरांच्या मेंदूपर्यंत पोचतात. तेच तुमची सक्षमताही इतरांपर्यंत पोचवतील. नेणिवेच्या पातळीवर (subconscious mind) घडतं हे. तिथे दुर्जन तुमच्या आसपास फिरकणारही नाहीत; तुम्ही त्यांच्या दमनवादाशी (bullyism) संयुक्तिक नसाल. तरस हत्तींच्या जास्त जवळ जात नाहीत.

Survival जमलं, की success सुद्धा जमतो. कारण survival जमवताना जे मिळवलंय, ते सूत्रबद्ध वापरात आणूनच success मिळतो. Implementation. जिवंत राहण्यासाठी जी कौशल्यं मिळवलीत, ती स्वत:च्या जागेत भानावर राहून विजीगीषु वृत्तीने invest करत राहायला हवं. Hard work गरजेचंय; पण ते म्हणजे विचार बंद करून गाढवमेहनत करणं नव्हे. Smart work सुद्धा महत्वाचंय; पण ते म्हणजे कष्टांतून पळवाटा शोधणं नव्हे. एका smart plan वर सातत्याने hard work करत राहण्यातून आपण उद्दिष्टापर्यंत पोचतो. तो smart plan करणं, म्हणजे आपण मिळवलेल्या आपल्याच बलस्थानांना जास्तीत जास्त उपयुक्ततेने वापरण्याचा आराखडा. जो इतरांहून अगदी भिन्न असेल. कुठलेही साचे नकोत. Patterns नकोत. इतरांचे फॉर्म्युले नकोत. ते आपल्याला चालणार नाहीत; गरजही नाही. हंस आपल्याच डौलात चालेल. यश मिळवणं, म्हणजे खरंतर स्वत:ला नैसर्गिकपणे व्यक्त होऊ देणं. दुनियेतल्या कौतुकाच्या सगळ्या चित्रकारांनी, खेळाडूंनी, अभिनेत्यांनी, उद्योजकांनी हेच केलंय. दिलखुलासपणे, आणि तरीही survival जमवताना मिळवलेल्या शिस्तीच्या सूत्रबद्धतेत स्वत:ला व्यक्त करत राहीले ते ! स्वत:च्या बलदंड व्यक्तिमत्वाला स्वत:च्या चालीत व्यक्त होऊ द्या; तुम्ही जिंकाल !

© अपूर्व विकास
समुपदेशक, मानसशास्त्र तज्ज्ञ
(लेख शेअर केल्यास आभार; कृपया लेखकाच्या नावासहित करावा; विचार लेखकाचे आहेत याचं भान असू द्यावं.)

निगडी, पुणे

8928183848

7774917184 (WhatsApp)

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#मराठी #मानसशास्त्र #विचार #वैचारिक #शक्ती #व्यक्तिमत्व #यश #यशस्वी #विजेता #सक्षम #सकारात्मक #संघर्ष #personality #growth #progress #success #betterment #strength #power #ability #empowerment #capacity #fight #survival #समुपदेशन #लढा #counseling #awareness #motivation #inspiration #evolution #improvement #development

It was romantic.
It was picture-perfect.
It was a dream come true.

He was on his knee. A ring, in his hand.
She was spellbound. Hands clasped together. Blushing anew each moment.
Time had stopped.
He said what he had been rehearsing for last couple of days. Second-last statement, before the great proposal, was:
“You complete me”.
She thought, “That’s exactly what I wanted to say to him. He completes me.”
She said yes. Her voice broke; so she compensated with a vigorous nod.

They got married two months later.
Couple of “divorce specialist” lawyers got rich two years later. Reason?
He: “She has no tolerance at all.”
She: “What – me? It’s HIM who has no patience at all.”

These were the same souls who thought they completed each other, mind you.

Sounds familiar? Why?
What exactly do we mean, when we say “You complete me”? Is it really romantic? Or is it that we adopt a belief that our partner shall fulfil the vacuums in our personality that we’ve left empty due to our own inaction and laziness? Or is it that we see a relationship as a wild-card excuse for all the weaknesses in our personality, to be conveniently expected from our partner in the name of “tolerance” and “patience”? Maybe some of us mean it differently. Maybe some think that their partners are supposed to compliment the imperfect perfection of their personalities. Maybe there’s an appeal to that child-like flaw we have and maybe our partners are supposed to smile at it with an “Awww!” and pinch our cheeks the way our parents used to. But do we have conscious awareness about exactly how much of that imperfection is OK and how much is too much? Or is it that we think a relationship excuses us from the effort of making such calculations in the first place?

Is it helping us?
Or do we need to realise we need to help ourselves first?
Relationship is when two strengths merge.
Sure, we can develop those strengths in our own space; and sure it’s OK to ask a partner’s help; but the moment we think it’s a facility to get our weaknesses pampered, we throw a good future out of the window.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#love #relationship #romance #couple #boyfriend #girlfriend #marriage #husband #wife #partner #breakup #divorce #conflict #relationship_issues #relationship_goals #awareness #maturity #depression #pain #sadness #happiness #perfect_one #interpersonal #empowerment #counseling

“They can’t fight you if you aren’t there.”
– Bruce Lee

It isn’t escapism.
It’s affirmation to time and energy better spent in constructive ideas for life, rather than wasting yourself as a trash-bin for someone’s negativity.

They criticize you.
Major portion of it is illogical.
Major portion of it is out of place.
Major portion of it is unnecessary.
They know it. Yes they do. Perfectly well.
They want it that way.
They expect a reply from you.
So that a verbal skirmish can begin.
They love it; for they need it.
It’s entertainment for them, sure; but more than that, it’s what they need to fill up the vacuums of failures in their own lives. Vacuums of inaction and wasted opportunities and lack of accomplishment and appreciation, that keep corroding.
They have their own frustrations; they need a self-identity; they don’t know it’s to be built.
So they wear the guise of moral cops or critics or examiners, hoping people will mistake them for knowledgeable folks, to be listened to and respected.
Question is, would you let them have it?
Question is, would you avail yourself for this game that doesn’t benefit you at all?

You’re a winner. You want to be.
Remember that winning is in approach.
Winning is in response, not reaction.
A fight started by an enemy to gain an identity is best won when you rob them of an opportunity to have one.
When you’re simply unavailable for one.
Walk out of the game before it begins. Even if they keep talking behind your back with others, they know they’ve failed because the one truly desired audience isn’t there.

Do you worry about what others will hear about you? What others choose to believe is their business. You can show them the truth through continued positive action on your part. If they’re sensible, they’ll see it. If they aren’t and if they choose to believe the lies, then know they’re same as the jealous critic and you don’t need appreciation from such loose characters. Never make it a compulsion to have everyone’s acceptance. It’s OK not to be OK with some people, if they can’t accept you as you are.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#critic #criticism #judge #negativity #jealous #attitude #abuse #verbal_abuse #harassment #insult #humiliation #illogical #speech #bully #bullyism #compulsive #inferiority_complex #resentment #obnoxious #narcissism #personality_disorder #trolling #winning #positive #mindset #social #society #choice #interpersonal

“What about beginning?”
“What about it? It’s just a single step forward.”
“What about the journey?”
“What about it? It’s just a single step forward, for any given moment. That’s not too much for one moment.”
“What about the destination?”
“What about it? It’s just a single step forward, from the moment of incompletion to completion.”
“What about the struggle?”
“What about it? It’s just knowing that it’s one step forward; dying to the past quickly and being in here and now with full awareness of the present.”
“What about the pain? The fatigue?”
“What about it? Fatigue is in carrying the past into the present. Keep your attention fully focused on the present. Devote yourself wholeheartedly to place one foot ahead of the other. You’ll have nothing left to nourish the pain of the past; you’ll have everything you need to get the best out of the present.”
“Is that how I’ll win?”
“It’s how you’ll have already won. Actuality of the win is just embodiment of this mindset.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counseling & Life Empowerment
Nigdi Pune India

8928183848

7774917184 (WhatsApp)

#success #result #win #winner #growth #path #journey #aspiration #ambition #dreams #goals #inspiration #motivation #effort #struggle #pain #fight #destination #winning #achievement #accomplishment #fulfilment #self #mindset #difficult #challenge #betterment #gains #focus #awareness

Change is possible in two ways.
Some systems change from the inside.
Some adapt to an effort from outside.

The idealists expect the first option.
They believe it’s noble for a society to wake up from the inside.
Except that it shall take every single soul in that society to wake up at the same time.
Something which is splendid as well as not so probable. Not so likely. Not really.

Usually, a few wake up.
They get in the mood for this idealism.
They believe it’s their job to awaken others.
They get inside the system; they begin implementing what they believe the system needs. They end up stepping on lots of tails of lots of snakes secure in the comfort zone of their corrupt arrangements with others. When these snakes feel threatened, they swallow our dear idealists whole. They are processed through bureaucracy and red ribbon; they’re robbed of their opportunities for growth; and then they’re excreted out, degenerated and devalued and downgraded and humiliated and beaten. Some succeed a bit; they take a hammer to the entire house; but then they end up with an unstable roof of a dislocated system above their head, ready to collapse on top of them.

That leaves us with the second option.
The one with external application of effort.
Many are quick to believe that this means revolutions with blood and gore and lots of sentimentalism. Some get excited by the notion; others rush in panic to deconstruct any thoughts for revolution. It’s true that most such revolutions fail; for they know how to bulldoze the house but lack any idea how to build a better one. They lead only to a greater chaos than the one they promised to get people out of.

The answer here, is simple. Maybe we don’t need to suffer from the system; but maybe we don’t need to bulldoze the house either. Maybe, we only need to shift to another one. A dysfunctional system shall continue to hurt people only upto the time people use it. Let’s be conscious of that limit of a system; it can change the game. Systems are defeated when better systems make them obsolete. Advent of democracy didn’t violate monarchies; it just availed a better option to people and people shifted to what was more useful. Advent of smartphones didn’t need us to crush our old Nokia phones under a hammer; we just shifted to what was new, for it made life better.

Sudden appearance of what’s new threatens the current system; but the process can be gradual, to avoid friction and war. Vacuums left by current system can be sequentially fulfilled by new system; that’s how growth happens.

Only thing is, we need to communicate what we notice about new facilities of change; and we need to explore all pros and cons. A change must be made in a conscious way; knowing full well why we’re at it and where it leads. We mustn’t follow trends; we are sane beings with the gift of independent thought; so long as we’re thorough in that thought, we have a good chance at non-violent change toward the better. Versatile thought with multiple angles is the key here. Exploration is a must. Dialogue is a must. Zest for growth is a must. Being integrated about that growth, is surely a must.

© Apoorv Vikas

Counselor and Psychologist

Nigdi Pune India

#change #revolution #oppressed #exploited #pain #war #society #people #thought #independence #individual #system #progress #growth #advancement #social_engineering #bureaucracy #government #administration #living #dictatorship #structure #future #democracy #corruption

Confidence.
Many think it’s an input.
Many think it’s a prerequisite.
Many think it’s how you begin.
Many aren’t winners.

It’s an output.
It’s an outcome of smaller victories sequenced on a straight, consistent path.
You don’t begin with confidence.
You arrive at it.
That arrival is your victory.

Winners begin small.
They have no confidence initially and they know it’s OK.
They know any confidence at this stage shall only be over-confidence; for one is new and one has no logical background to have any confidence.
They have curiosity. And a will to be in an action that resonates with their selves.
That’s inspiration; and it fuels one to step forward and fall down and get back up and step forward and repeat the cycle until you learn to walk correct.

Today you are at zero and that’s not a loss; that’s a beautiful opportunity to begin.
Numbers begin with zero; not one.
Today you get to one. You memorize what you had to do to get to one; tomorrow you apply it and take it one step further and you get to two.
Day after tomorrow, you’ll get to three. And so on.
Today’s small victory is tomorrow’s fuel.
You know you’re in the zone of growth and you want to be in it; it changes the game; transcends your need for motivation; you find yourself craving for each day’s score to be one more than the previous day.

Today’s work tells you what’s working for you and what’s not. Tomorrow you rectify; bring precision to your action; and you check how it feels in real terms.
Gradually you arrive at a simple but effective method; with maximum affect; it shows in your gains; your thoughts turn to belief for its all working for real; and that’s your confidence. That’s power. Being at it, is winning.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #growth #result #gains #confidence #effort #action #positive #goals #ambition #dreams #aspiration #inspiration #motivation #focus #dedication #achievement #progress #improvement #betterment #accomplishment #precision #accuracy #winner #mindset #failure #challenge

© अपूर्व विकास

तुमच्या आयुष्याचं उद्दिष्ट काय आहे?
लाईफ गोल?

प्राचीन काळी “ज्ञानप्राप्ती आणि परमार्थसाधना” हे उदात्त उत्तर मिळत असे. अर्वाचीन काळी “प्रापंचिक सुख” हे व्यवहारात बसेल इतपत उत्तर देत असत. आत्ता काल-परवा “पैसा, समाधान, शांती” हे शब्द ऐकू यायचे. हल्ली थेट विकेट पडते –
“मला फक्त मज्जा करायचीये”.
विषय संपला.

कुणी म्हणेल, “त्यात चूक काय?”
तर, नाही. चूक आणि बरोबर हा इथे विषयच नाही. मुद्दा आहे, तो म्हणजे “फक्त मज्जाच” हे आयुष्याचं अंतिम उद्दिष्ट होऊ शकतं का? आणि तसं असेलच, तर ठरवलेल्या उद्दिष्टांसाठी जे मार्ग वापरले जात आहेत, त्याने खरोखर मजा मिळतीये का सजा मिळतीये, हे ध्यानात येतंय का?

सध्या माणसांच्या आयुष्यात वेगवेगळ्या ism चा, म्हणजे “वादां”चा सुळसुळाट झालाय. त्यातलाच एक म्हणजे “चंगळवाद”. त्याच्या शर्टाची घडी मोडून हाताची लांबी पाहिली, तर अधिक खोलातला अर्थ लक्षात येतो; तो म्हणजे “उपभोगवाद”. Consumerism. त्याचा भावार्थ सुस्पष्ट आहे. उपलब्ध वस्तूंचा उपभोग घेत राहा; हवी असलेली चंगळ मिळेल. In fact, त्या उपभोगाचाच ध्यास घ्या. उपभोगाचीच जीवनशैली बनवून घ्या. अस्तित्वच त्याला वाहून घ्या. भोगी व्हा.

बरं. हे उद्दिष्ट. पण मग ते आपण आपल्या पद्धतीने मिळवलेलं चालेल? “उद्दिष्ट” ही आपली स्वत:ची, स्वतंत्र ठरवलेली मिळकत असायला हवी ना? तशी सोय इथे आहे?
अं… Well…

नाही.
का नाही, कसं नाही, ते समजण्यासाठी या चंगळवादात बेमालुमपणे लपवला गेलेला एक सूक्ष्म धूर्तपणा इथे जाणीवेत आणूया. या उपभोगवादात एक निश्चित असा obsessive compulsive भाव पद्धतशीर निर्माण करण्यात आलाय. “मज्जा करणं” हे स्वातंत्र्य समजलं जातं; पण खरी मजा ही आहे, की “मज्जा केलीच पाहीजे” ही बळजबरी माणसं एकमेकांच्या ऊरावर पांघरू लागलीयेत. इथे “मज्जा” ही निवडीची गोष्ट राहीली नाहीये; ती “निकड” झालीये; केली गेलीये. मज्जा कशी करायची हे निवडण्याचंही स्वातंत्र्य नाही; ती समाजातल्या “मॉडर्न” शहाण्यांनी (!) आखून दिलेल्या पद्धतीनेच व्हायला हवी. तशी ती नाही केली म्हणजे फालतू आहात तुम्ही, हे तुमच्या तोंडावर फेकून मारलं जातंय. म्हणजे पहा –

“बर्थडे सेलिब्रेशन घरात? शी…”
“पार्टी नाही? शी…”
“फ्रायडे नाईट, आणि तू घरी आहेस? शी… पथेटिक…”
“तू आजवर कधी पब मध्ये गेलीच नाहीस? काय काकूबाई आहेस गं…”
“वेलेन्टाईन डे; आणि नो रोजेस? शी, बोअर…”
“डेटवर चाललायस? आणि हातात नो गिफ्ट्स? So sad…”
“वीकेन्ड घरच्यांबरोबर? नो फ्रेन्ड्स? नो आऊटिंग? शी…”

यात नफ्याची आर्थिक गणितं ठासून भरलेली आहेत. नव्वदच्या दशकात ग्लोबलायजेशन आपल्यावर येऊन आदळलं; आणि त्या नवश्रीमंतीच्या लाटेवर अनेकजणांनी विचार-विवेक गहाण टाकले. तसे त्यांनी ते टाकावेत, जास्तीत जास्त मासे या भोगवादात सापडावेत, यासाठी पाश्चिमात्य कॉर्पोरेट कंपन्यांनी मार्केटिंगची जाळी मस्तपैकी सर्वदूर फेकली होतीच. TV, सिनेमा, सततच्या जाहिरातींच्या भडिमाराने आमचा सुरेख ब्रेन वॉश केला. न्युरोलिंग्विस्टिक प्रोग्रामिंग तंत्राच्या वापराने, ध्वनी व दृश्य या दोघांनी आमचे कान आणि डोळे स्वप्नांत गुंतवले. मध्यमवर्गीय काटकसरीने म्हातारपणाच्या चिंता सोडून “आजचं बघा” हा अमेरिकन मंत्र स्वीकारला. मग अचानक वाढदिवसाला निरांजनांच्या ओवाळणी backward झाल्या; वीस-पंचवीस हजारांचं हॉटेलवालं सेलिब्रेशन रितीचं झालं. सी सी डी अन् बरिस्तामधल्या दोनशे रुपयाच्या कॉफ्या आम्हाला स्वस्त वाटू लागल्या. “अनलिमिटेड बुफे” च्या नावाखाली बार्बेक्यूंच्या भट्टीत पगार जाळून घेणं हे “त्यात काय एवढं?” असं झालं. जीन्स पाचशेच्या पाच हजार झाल्या. पुर्वी कुत्रा कोण ज्या कॉटनला विचारत नव्हतं, तेच कॉटन “लिनन”च्या रुपात थेट स्टेटस सिम्बॉल बनलं. एक दिवसाचं मराठी लग्न पाच दिवसांचं “big fat पंजाबी वेडिंग” झालं; घराच्या हॉलमधले साखरपुडे नि टिळे हे फाईव स्टारवाले “इवेन्ट्स” झाले. मज्जा, आनंद, आपल्या आत निर्माण करायचा असतो म्हणताय? तुमची संस्कृती तसं सांगते? हड. चुलीत घाला तुमची संस्कृती. आमचं अमेरिकन उधळणं घ्या. बायकोला सोन्या-चांदीतून बाहेर काढा; हिरे नि प्लेटिनम मध्ये तिला बुडवून काढा. तुमच्या पोराला गर्लफ्रेन्ड नि पोरीला बॉयफ्रेन्ड असलाच पाहीजे. त्यांच्या “प्रेमाचं” मूल्यमापन गिफ्टच्या किमतीवर ठरेल. कमवा; आणि उडवा. तुम्ही तुमच्या नवाबज़ाद्यांकडे पाहा बघू. लिव लाईफ किंग साईज… भले तुम्ही स्टायपेन्डवाले ट्रेनी इंजिनिअर असा. विषय इतपत येऊन थांबलेला नाही. दारू नि सिगरेटचं उदात्तीकरण तर आता जुनं झालं. आता त्याच्यापुढे सर्वसामान्य मराठी मध्यमवर्गीय पोरांच्या तोंडीही “वीड”, “ग्रास” हे शब्द येऊ लागलेत. यांचे अर्थ माहितीयेत? गांजासारख्या भयानक नशील्या पदार्थांची अमेरिकेतून उचललेली बोली भाषेतली नावं आहेत ही. या घाणीची जाहिरात थेट करता येत नाही; पण त्यासाठी आमचे नव्याने पैदास झालेले “रॉकस्टार्स” आणि “rap singers” आहेत ना! त्यांच्या गाण्यांतून या अमली विकृतीची भलावण रोजच्या रोज होतेय. “मनाली ट्रान्स” म्हणे. शोधा गुगलवर लिरिक्स. शब्दांना जोड दृश्यांची. दृश्यांत ठासून भरलेला सेक्स. तरुणांना नाद लावायला तेवढं पुरतं. चील… एंजॉय… पार्टी चलेगी टिल सिक्स इन द मॉर्निंग. मग मेलात तरी चालेल.

आपण ठरवलेलं उद्दिष्ट हे प्रत्यक्षात आपण स्वत: निवडलेलं नसून, ते आपल्याला गंडवून आपल्याकडून निवडून घेतलं गेलंय, हे लक्षात येतंय आपल्या?

चंगळवाद हा एक कॉर्पोरेटधार्जिणा पंथ झालाय. पंथामध्ये विचार आणि आचार निवडीचं स्वातंत्र्य नसतं. कुणीतरी महाभागाने सांगितलेलं तत्वज्ञान तो महापुरूष आहे असं सगळे म्हणतात म्हणून, मुकाट्याने नाकासमोर धरून चालणं, हे पंथाचं आचारशास्त्र असतं. तेच चंगळवादाचं आहे. “आम्ही कित्ती आनंदात आहोत”, “आमचं कित्ती मस्त चालू आहे”, “आम्ही कित्ती एंजॉय करतोय”, हे दुसऱ्याला दाखवणं, हा चंगळवादाचा अट्टहास असतो. ते दुसऱ्याने सत्य म्हणून मान्य केलं, तर चंगळवादाचा विजय असतो. आणि आपण ओढवून घेतलेल्या पद्धतीचा दुसऱ्याने स्वीकार केला, तर तो चंगळवादाचा दिग्विजय असतो. मुद्दा हा आहे, की या झुंडीत सामील झाल्यावर आपण किती “cool” आहोत, याच्या देखाव्यांचं एक compulsion असतं. त्यात श्वास कोंडला जातो. तो देखावा न करणाऱ्यांना पाखंडी समजून झुंडीबाहेर फेकलं जातं. मुळात जे झुंडीत कधी सामील झालेच नाहीत, किंवा आर्थिक कारणांमुळे होऊ शकले नाहीत, त्यांच्याकडे आगाऊपणाने “सो पथेटिक” म्हणून नकारात्मकतेने पाहीलं जातं; त्यांच्या मनात स्वत:बद्दल न्यूनगंड निर्माण होईल याचे प्रयत्न सुरू होतात. गंमत म्हणजे, चंगळवादाचे पुरस्कारकर्ते व्यक्तिस्वातंत्र्याच्या गप्पा मारतात; पण हीच सोंगं आयुष्य आनंदाने जगण्याचे प्रत्येकाचे स्वतंत्र वेगळे मार्ग असू शकतात, हे साधं सत्य दुसऱ्याला नाकारतात. त्यावेळी आपण त्याच्या व्यक्तिस्वातंत्र्याचा संकोच करतोय, हे यांच्या गावीही नसतं. म्हणूनच मग “तुम्ही दारू पिऊन पार्ट्या करत नाही, म्हणजे आयुष्य कसं एंजॉय करायचं ते तुम्हाला माहीतच नाही”, अशी बिनडोक तर्कटं मांडली जातात; जी हास्यास्पद ठरतात. हेअर जेल, मेक अप आणि ब्रांडेड कपड्यातली बिनधास्त आहोत हे दाखवत राहण्याची केविलवाणी धडपड नजरेत लपत नसते. ब्रांडेड आयुष्यातल्या पोकळ्या वेडावतातच.

कुणा धुर्त व्यापाऱ्यांच्या नफेखोर भ्रमजालात “मॉडर्न लाईफस्टाईल”च्या नावाखाली अडकत चाललोय आपण. सायकिएट्रिस्टकडे अपॉइंटमेन्ट्स मिळवणं मुश्किल होत चाललंय. आयुष्य घडवण्यासाठी गरज असते स्वतंत्र विचारपद्धतीची. गरज असते विचार-आचारांच्या तर्काच्या कसोटीवर सक्षम केलेल्या संहितेची. गरज असते स्वत्व जागवण्याची. पण या स्वतंत्रतेला गुंडाळून ठेवायला सांगणारा चंगळवाद अर्थातच आयुष्य कधी उभं राहूच देत नाही. चार क्षण फटाक्यांप्रमाणे चमकून झालं, की उरलेल्या आयुष्यात फक्त एक धुरकट दुर्गंधी उरते, जाळून घेतलेल्या स्वत्वाची. तो जाळ वाकुल्या दाखवत राहतो, शरीरभर पसरलेल्या रोगांतून. मोडलेल्या मनांतून. गमावलेल्या आत्मविश्वासातून. संपलेल्या जीवनासक्तीतून.

जागे होऊया रे.
स्वत्व नको विकूया आपण.
दुनियेतल्या प्रत्येकाला आपण आवडलोच पाहीजे, हा मूर्ख विचार सोडूया; आणि करूया हिंमत स्वत:चा स्वतंत्र जीवनभाव निवडण्याची. सेलिब्रेशन्स मिळकतीची होऊदेत; आणि ती नजाकतीची होऊदेत. उधळण्याच्या फुलबाज्या क्षणभरच चमकतात; स्वतंत्र विवेकाचा सूर्य अनंत चमकतो. आपण सूर्य निवडूया.

– अपूर्व विकास
समुपदेशक व मानसशास्त्र तज्ज्ञ
(निगडी, पुणे)
8928183848
7774917184 (WhatsApp)
© अपूर्व विकास
facebook.com/CounselorApoorv

(लेख आवडल्यास जरूर शेअर करावा. कृपया लेख शेअर करायचा असल्यास लेखकाच्या नावासहीत व तपशीलासहीत करावा. मजकूर बदलू नये. विचार लेखकाचे आहेत याचं भान ठेवावं.)

#चंगळवाद #उपभोगवाद #समाज #मजा #consumerism #corporate #customer #debauchery #indulgence #party_culture #पार्टी #वैचारिक #सामाजिक #मनोसामाजिक #मराठी #लेख #विवेक #विचार #fun #enjoyment #americanization #culture #thought #independent_thought #cult_mentality #झुंड #अपूर्व_विकास

“Teacher, I’m so sorry.”
“Why, dear?”
“I was absent yesterday.”
“Are you sorry to me or to yourself?”
“Umm… To you, I suppose…?”
“Oh, no need. But if you’re sorry to yourself, then I suggest you make up for it with double intensity in work today.”
“Yes.”
“May I know why you were absent yesterday?”
“My friend couldn’t come.”
“May I know why you were absent yesterday?”
“Huh? Teacher, I just said—”
“I heard no valid reason so I’m asking again.”
“But Teacher, I usually come with my friend. Since he couldn’t come yesterday, I thought I—-”
“Why do you come here, dear?”
“I want to empower myself for life.”
“Which means you want to be someone you aren’t today?”
“I suppose.”
“Would this different you live life the same way you’re living today?”
“No. That’d be a whole different life.”
“And you think you’ll get there by doing what you do USUALLY?”
“I guess not.”
“Damn right you won’t. You just tried to rationalize your absence yesterday by telling me that you USUALLY come here with your friend. If you wish to win in life, you have to let go of what’s USUAL and select what’s different, what’s new, what’s unusual. First and foremost is to let go of your dependency. It’s not real; it’s not solid; it’s nothing but learned handicap. You have seen here that the path to empowerment isn’t a comfortable one; you believe a companionship shall provide some relief in the journey. It won’t. It will only tie you to the other person’s level of acceleration; it’ll only add to your inertia; it’ll only slow you down and limit your growth. Of course the path is uncomfortable; it’s supposed to be. There’s no birth of the new without facing what’s uncomfortable; that’s why newborns cry. It’s a price you pay for your placement in a new world with more opportunities than the safety of mother’s womb. Embrace the path, my child. You want betterment? You want to get there quick? You need to be light-weight; you need to shed your dependency. Purpose of life is gain independence; to transcend adjustments one has to make due to one’s dependencies. It’s a destination and the path begins by choosing that destination.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #result #growth #aim #goals #objective #progress #improvement #betterment #advancement #achievement #aspiration #ambition #dreams #inspiration #dependence #independence #empowerment #self #self_care #choice #mindset #win #winner #purpose #individual #positive #transcendence

The town was small; never a brawl.
Tolerance and decency; ruled all.

Along came a bully; settled next to one.
He loved to grab; would bow to none.

One day the goon shifted the fence; neighbor lost some land.
Neighbor did nothing; it’s all His hand.

Next day the goon beat a donkey; belonged to neighbor.
Neighbor did nothing; what’s few days without succour?

Another day neighbor’s son came crying;
the goon was in a mood.
Mother let him know, “Evil happens only to the good.”

One evening, the goon thought, “life is a bore”.
Saw the neighbor’s moat; opened the trap-door.

Water was lost; moat went dry.
Laughing, he lit a cigar; let the match fly.

It struck neighbor’s haystack, which caught fire.
Flames shot up quick; situation was dire.

The son rushed to the moat; where was the water?
The flames engulfed the house; had to save the mother.

The neighbor came running from farm; house was ablaze.
His wife rushed out; eyes clouded with haze.

She ran headlong into the fence; didn’t recall it was now closer.
The wood of the fence turned out to be her pyre.

The son was burnt; must rush to a nurse.
But the donkey was of no use; the man now knew no language than a curse.

He saw the bully; it was his folly.
“My inaction encouraged him,” told the neighbor to the Holy.

“I mistook cowardice for tolerance,
Lack of self-respect became my patience;
Act immediately, o learner of life;
For today’s inaction, tomorrow pays penance.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#tolerance #patience #self_respect #bully #bullyism #fight #fight_back #retaliation #self #self_help #self_defense #righteous #limits #hurt #pain #threshold #coward #fear #anxiety #stand_up #defense #attack #invasion #peace #motivation #action #inaction #spirit #brave #learning

It’s your life.
They don’t know how you survived.
It’s been your path.
They didn’t walk on it.
You know how many pitfalls it had.
They didn’t fall down in those.
You know what it took to traverse it.
They have no idea.

They’ll judge.
They’ll demand an explanation.
They’ll have their own stencils of morality and right and wrong and correct and proper and ethical and norms and standards.
They’ll place those stencils on you and evaluate you. Such foolishness.
It’d have been great if world was so rational that all could place themselves in one standard.
We don’t live in that world.
They’re lucky if their lives haven’t shown them that.

Doesn’t matter that their questions stand in your way; what matters is how you respond.
You didn’t sign a bond to play a role in someone else’s drama.
You didn’t sign a contract to fulfil someone’s need to see only what they want to see in the world.
You didn’t sign a paper to cut and edit and set yourself as per their traditions and rituals and methods.
If they’re scared of your individuality, remember it’s their choice to fear it.
Are you hurting them physically? Robbing them? Invading their personal space? Causing a danger to public health? If no, then their fear and criticism stands no basis.
Don’t answer, if you don’t want to.
Don’t explain. No need.
It’s your life and it’s your choice.
Nobody knows what that choice is and what it means, better than you.
So long as your choices hurt no-one in any real sense, you have no need to justify yourself.
Live your life. On your terms.
Don’t waste it explaining it to anyone.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#life #lifestyle #living #choice #self #caring #social #society #morality #ethics #proper #standard #norms #system #tradition #explanation #justification #answer #human #relations #individuality #rebel #oppression #exploitation #culture #limits #boundaries #religion #bullyism

You want to be alone. In your space.
And they suddenly crash in.

They pull a chair. Hop down. Start irritating you with some stupid gossip you couldn’t have cared less. Suddenly they realise you’re still single; as if anew; or with that same “boring” partner; and berate you for it.

They notice you’re wearing the same dress as last Tuesday; the one they laughed at; and give you some crap about it.

It’s 11pm and you’re about to head to bed. And they crash in. With a load of their friends you could’ve done without. Animated expressions and loud laughs and bottles of liquor in hands. They shout, “Party!” and order you to get the ice out – the one you need for something else.

They show you a comment you made on someone’s post; and patronize you about your “wrong” views of life.

You hate it.
You know they take you for granted.
You know they take your time for granted.
You know they take your space for granted.
You know they think it’s OK, when it’s not.
You hate it. But you say nothing.

An internal struggle goes on.
Your self-respect versus your need for social acceptance, approval, maybe appreciation for your existence.
The latter part wins.
You let it win.
The criticism and judgment and piling up is a cost you agree to pay; for you get someone’s company out of it; you get an allowance for your presence in a social group; and although it’s all ripe with negativity and you know they use you as entertainment, you still go for it.
For the alternative is to be left alone.
And it scares you.
It’s a choice to remain scared.
It’s a choice to build a strength and say no to it.

You want things from people when you find that supply absent from you.

You want appreciation. Appreciate yourself. Get life goals. Work on them. Grow. Improve. Get better at things. Admire your consistency and dedication and will. It’s not arrogance. It’s self-respect.

You want company. Befriend yourself. No need to be a loner; but no need to be a toy for people either, in the name of socialization. There’s good in you. Let it express. Take care of your family. And friends. And those in needs. And animals. And yourself. Give yourself more reasons to like you; you won’t need to wait for others’ approval of who you are. It’s not asocial. It’s emotional independence.

Finally, you want acceptance. Accept yourself. You hate yourself for your past mistakes. You aren’t the only one who committed them, pal. Everyone is in that queue. It’s OK. You’re still here; you survived so far irrespective of your mistakes; and it means something. What matters is present moment. Stay in it. Make the best out of it. For yourself. You matter. You’re important. Your needs are important. It’s OK to think and act for your needs. Be there for yourself. Love yourself. Know that you’re an amazing person. Think and act accordingly. You deserve that acceptance from yourself. Stop stopping yourself.

And yes. It’s OK to say no to what’s not OK.
In fact, it’s a must. Remember that a moment once gone never comes back. Make the choice of living that moment on your own terms. You’re the leader of your life. No need to follow someone’s will; lead yourself.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#social #society #people #personal_space #self_respect #maturity #understanding #growth #strength #communication #dialogue #pilingup #choice #say #opinion #freedom #independence #emotion #feeling #thought #thinking #individual #self

“You left the meeting early.”
“I had work.”
“You didn’t say much.”
“Left me time to do much.”
“Everyone else had a say.”
“So did I.”
“Why didn’t you voice it out?”
“I did.”
“But you said it just once.”
“Once is enough for a voice-out.”
“Why not more?”
“Then it’d be a shout-out.”
“Why not have one?”
“I’m not insecure enough for one.”
“Others are?”
“Am I the only one who heard an edge to their voice?”
“Hmm. Why voice-outs turn to shout-outs?”
“Insecurity. Differences in perceptions scare people more than anything else.”
“Isn’t a debate a space to sort it out? Explore answers?”
“Exploring answers calls for effort. Doesn’t suit with most people’s intellectual laziness. What’s comfortable is to childishly declare one answer for all. People love to stick to patterns of ideologies and isms and trends and norms and make them fight with each other; rather than exploring what’s out of the box.”
“Why is it childish to think of one answer for all?”
“For being adult would be to know, by now in your life, that NOTHING can be standardized to entire human population. We’re all unique with distinct personalities that differ a lot from each other. Different origins. Different building blocks. Different paths. Different destinations. Different needs. We aren’t participants in one reality; each one of us has one’s own. There cannot possibly be one answer for all. We’re entitled to our perceptions and belief systems. Wisdom lies in each one of us finding what’s useful for oneself. Humanity lies in each one of us granting the other that entitlement. Maturity lies in each one of us taking care that an action taken on personal needs shall not cause damage to others in a practical sense. So long as we physically hurt no-one, rob no-one, invade no-one’s personal space, cause no hazard to public safety, we’re also entitled to act as per those perceptions. Being adult about it is to know, accept and appreciate that we all shall always have such differences; and that brings variety to our existence on this planet. It’s something to be celebrated, not feared. For me, this understanding cancels all needs for debates.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#self #self_help #care #thought #thinking #belief #perception #idea #ideology #ism #entitlement #rights #human #humane #social #people #personal #space #interpersonal #Adult #TA #child #maturity #growth #debates #arguments #discussion #communication #opinion #insecurity

We see them. We notice their positivity.
It has an appeal to it. Undeniable.
Maybe we reach out. Or they do.
Somewhere, it hits. “This is what I’ve been searching for.”
A connect takes place.
A bond is established.

Then it begins.
Waiting for them to come online.
Or maybe waiting for them in restaurants.
Late night calls that start with “do you have a minute?” and extend to an hour.
Texting that goes on and on; never mind that any other time we’d have been the ones who’d never know what to say.
Nice posts. Great messages.
Great replies; much better than ours.
Lots of likes; lots of sharing.
Lots of laughs; lots of holding hands.
Lots of surprises; when we want to say something but don’t know how to say it; and they guess it just right and put it all in a single simple statement that brings a big wide smile on our lips with the wit in it.
They take time out for us.
We take time out for them.

There’s something romantic about it.
Not in an exciting kind of way. Nothing sexual; not apparent, at least.
But in a satisfying kind of way.
We realise we’ve always been thirsty for this positivity; this understanding; this maturity; we never had it; never from those from whom it was expected; partners and spouses and parents and friends; never; and now it’s all here. We just tune perfectly. Frequencies match exactly. And it feels so GOOD.

We don’t get it earlier; but a part of us gets addicted to it. We begin craving for it. We feel it when one day they don’t come online; one day when they say “good night” too early; one day when they post “sorry can’t talk now busy in work”. One day, when we’re thrown back to that thirsty phase.

To avoid that negativity, awareness is the key. Let’s always stay true to a basic fact. We loved that connect with them because we thought it was empowering us; but strength isn’t something that can be imparted, my friend. It can only be unlocked within. Sure, they provide positivity and it’s good; but it matters much how we look at it. It’s a catalyst, at best, an additional ingredient, to our own effort toward self-empowerment. And nothing else. The task to fortify ourselves shall always be our own. Nobody is excused from that. That positivity isn’t something to get addicted to; it ain’t cocaine. It’s a tool to use, for the time it’s available, to strengthen ourselves further; and that time shall always be finite. Let’s accept that truth. Everything has its limits. Always will. Let’s know it; let’s accept it; it’ll save us from much agony in future. Be grateful for its availability; but also remember that it isn’t an excuse to halt our own effort on ourselves.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#socialmedia #facebook #friend #specialone #bond #connect #sync #emotion #feeling #thinking #maturity #understanding #empathy #attraction #satisfaction #withme #sharing #feelinggood #space #tuning #matching #affair #extramaritalaffair

Sure, there’s an obstacle here.
Sure, it’s justifiable to stop.
Sure, it’s difficult to carry on.
Sure, many won’t.
Sure, you can say this is it.
Sure, you can choose to see it that way.
Sure, you can decide this is your limit.

But then again,
Sure, we’ve been around for 2 million years.
Sure, it wasn’t easy. Not at all.
Sure, strengths were few; weaknesses many.
Sure, we could’ve stopped. Even before we began.
Sure, we could’ve been another failure in Nature’s vast schemes.
Sure, we could’ve gone extinct long ago.

We didn’t. We didn’t stop.
We continued. We kept walking.
We explored. We observed. We noticed.
We thought. We decided. We implemented.
We checked results. We rectified.
We gained precision.
We were at it. All the time.
We went at it again and again.
We evolved.

We, today, are legacy of that attitude.
Evolution is a choice and we make that choice. We will continue making that choice. Because we’re humans; we’re winners. It’s what we were born to do.
No excuses. We provide no justification for our weaknesses; except for looking at them as the very inspiration to overcome them.
We know success is a result of hard work done on a smart plan to overcome weaknesses one finds within.
We don’t reach success; we become that success.
Let’s be at it. Now.

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#success #victory #growth #progress #achievement #accomplishment #gains #win #winner #failure #loss #defeat #obstacle #strength #weakness #challenge #goal #life_goal #inspiration #ambition #motivation #aspiration #focus #dedication #commitment #attitude #mentality #mindset #positive #thought

“…but I love them.”
“Sure, you do.”
“I care for them.”
“Sure, you do.”
“One is my spouse. Other is my child.”
“And they’re two great joys of your life.”
“But they act as if I’m one great pain of theirs. Why?”
“Because they actually find themselves in pain.”
“Ha – what pain? I say a little something and immediately I’m the villain? I say what I say only because I care for them; I want the best for them; I want them to be healthy and happy. All I think about, is them. I ask about their day; their activities; who they met; how did it go. Their careers and decisions. Even little things, you know. Summer is going on; I call five times a day to remind them to drink water frequently. They always say, ‘stop annoying’. As if I take great pleasure in hurting them. Do they even realise how much it hurts ME?”
“My dear, people react to each other’s projections, not the space from which those projections come.”
“Space? Projection?”
“Your space, is your caring. The love you feel for them. That’s the source of your words. That’s the space where you come from. It’s a beautiful space; no doubt. But the words, in themselves, differ slightly from the origin of love. They have a bit of sting to them. A bit of harshness. A feel of policing; with forced rules and regulations; maybe even domination. That’s the projection.”
“I… agree. It’s there. Why it’s so?”
“It’s because your version of love has a default setting. It makes you perceive your loved ones as helpless dependents; and yourself as their guardian. There’s a bit of over-caring here. Sometimes you unknowingly invalidate that they’re separate individuals: organisms who do have a natural program for self-care. It drives you anxious. And out of that anxiety, you demand an immediate satiation of your need that they must stick to your guardianship. Hence, the harshness in tone. Hence, you become ‘villain’!”
“Hmm… So what’s the solution here?”
“Dear, solution has always been, and always will be, awareness. Be conscious of the bridge between the space of love and its projection. Caring is a facility we make available for those who wish it; it’s not upto us to declare they “need” it. It’s about, ‘I’m there for you – in case you need me.'”
“Does it means I should stop saying anything at all?”
“That’s another extreme polarity. Sure you can say what you wish to say; but there’s a time and place for everything. You can share what you wish when they’re in a space of listening; when they aren’t busy with their personal or professional problems. Let it be a discussion held in the positive environment of home; where everyone is present and willing for it. And if they aren’t, it’s their choice; and it’s OK too. You did your part. Let’s check if we’re making everything about ourselves. For we don’t need to; and we shouldn’t. Remember that repeated unasked advices will always be perceived as intrusion, even when they’re about caring. Caring is sweet, when one is in for sweetness.”

© Apoorv Vikas
Counselor and Psychologist
Nigdi Pune India

#care #caring #help #dependent #love #family #parent #parenting #relationship #concern #emotion #feeling #thinking #anxiety #strokes #TA #transactional_analysis #communication #dialogue #words #being_there_for_you #couple #marriage #married_life #choice #regulations #mommy #daddy #son #daughter