They control you, when you fail to control yourself. It happens when subconsciously you want mindlessness. Either you don’t want to think; or you want someone else to do your thinking for you. You don’t want the effort. Absent independent thought, you lead to mindless action. The result is addiction, slavery and misery.
I’m consciousness. I absorb information. It turns to emotion and cognition. It becomes expression and creation. I sense reality. I create reality. I’m reality. I’m everything. And yet, I’m just a link in the grand strings. I serve universe’s ultimate purpose: To know itself.
When they offer candies, say yes. In fact, dive into their vans even before they call.
And if they don’t have vans, hey, you have a house! Or, a mind, heart, body, yeah? Call them in.
Declare mentally, “We’re best buddies now!” Or, why not, “We’re soulmates now!” You don’t know crap about them; but who cares?
Let them all the way in. Have no boundaries. Show them everything. Your bedroom. The password to your safe. Your traumas. Who hurt you how. Share all your secrets. Bare it all. Ooh, that’s a great way to be close. After all, the world is really flooding with empaths, yes? Assume humanity. Assume the best will be available to you just like that. Manipulation? Betrayal? Trickery? Oh, that happens to other people. Not you. You’re born with special safety shields, aren’t you?
That’s the recipe for self-destruction. Of course, not everyone will help you destroy yourself. Some will actually be nice. Yeah, that’s a problem. But we don’t need many. Just one will be enough.
Now let’s hate what’s written here and yell, “So I should never share anything with anyone? Ever?” Great! From one extreme polarity, we jump to the opposite extreme polarity! As if there’s nothing in between. What’s the focus here? Is it about ‘never sharing anything’? Or is it about ‘knowing people first before we share’? How about stepping out of scripts and applying common sense?
“Meaning you pick no sides. How can you take a stand without picking sides?”
“Who says I must limit myself to only the given sides? It’s perfectly possible that none of the present sides are any of my business. And it’s perfectly possible that there’re angles to the situation which no sides have realized yet. If it’s my business, I want solution; not opinion. And if it’s not my business, I have no time to waste in dramas. I don’t want to fall on any sides; I want to stand tall on my own.”
There’s a lake here. A stone is tossed in that lake. Like a situation hitting a person. There’s going to be a splash. Let’s blame the stone for it, sure. But what about the content of the splash? Is there mud in it? We all hate the stone; but the stone didn’t put that mud in the lake. It was already there; probably a result of stones tossed in the past. Stones that were stored; allowed to turn to mud. Stones that weren’t tossed out time to time. Stones that never had to be a part of the lake. The new stone merely exposed that fact.
Maybe the stones that sink in can’t be tossed out. But they can be turned into a concrete base for the lake. Much better, and useful, than loose mud. Better to get a character out of it than disorder.
When one kicks a wall, only the loosened bricks fall out. As a reaction. And education: it tells you where the wall needs fortification.
“No. Haven’t found anyone seriously considerable.”
“Why don’t you have casual relationships?”
“For the same reason I don’t pop cherries into my mouth without checking for dark spots. Once the cherry is inside your mouth, it’s inside your body. Whether you were casual or serious about it, doesn’t matter. If it’s rotten, you’re done. Sure you can spit it out; but the ugly taste remains. Same goes with a person. You let someone step inside your boundaries, they’re in for good. Serious or casual, they leave their print. Can’t afford a bad print; life taught me that. Hurts like hell, no matter how much you deny it. If a little cherry can do so much damage, imagine what a fully grown person can do.”
“But what about physical needs? We all need to get some…”
“Get some of what? Herpes? Syphilis? AIDS? Besides, when both me and my partner essentially look at each other as use-and-throw products, what am I getting, really? Satisfaction? Or just cancellation of urges? I want a full meal; junk food doesn’t do it for me.”
We can leave LOL on a post written with an ideology we hate. Like we always do. Or we can grow up. We can jump into an argument just because it’s happening. Like all the time. Or we can grow up. We can swear simply noticing a particular politician’s pic. Like every day. Or we can grow up. We can burst out in anger when someone provokes us. Every time. Or we can grow up.
“That’s why, get into a relationship. You’ll be OK once you find someone.”
“So someone else will make me OK?”
“Some people have a great presence! They make us feel not just OK; but great!”
“And I’ll stay great only when they’re around. Any other time, I’ll be in deep pain. Depression. Anxiety. Panic. Anger. Violence. Like a junkie who’s human only with a fix. Turning less and less of a person each day. No, I don’t want that. I want love; not a fix. I want a partner; not a false life-support system. My low self-esteem is a challenge I need to beat; not a handicap to be concretized. I need to be able to be there for myself today when I’m single and tomorrow too when I’ll be in a relationship. Both me and my future partner deserve that.”
“Because their partners keep it real too. Both know love isn’t allowance for abuse. Know both sides before you judge me. I left, not because I wasn’t real. I left, because I was. Oh, I was very much real and I was forced to hate it. Regret it. And I deserve better than that.”
“That best comes from a finite source. It’s called being human. And not God. That source needs replenishment. To be best for others, I need to be good to myself too. I don’t appreciate being labelled selfish; but if you think the best should always be available to others, try the same using the best in you. Then talk to me.”
“But that must not have been all. Your words have specific usability. Not just profound; but applicable as well. Where did that come from?”
“If I tell you, you wouldn’t believe me.”
“Try me.”
“I’ve read epics and cried. I’ve watched their parodies and laughed too. And I learned something useful. Same story can be told differently. Same event can be seen differently. Heroes could be idiots in an alternate version. Villains may be great teachers if seen differently. Glorious victories may just be one man’s attempt to hide insecurity over certain bodily dimensions. And not because he cared about his people. Glory may’ve been possible because the man’s followers failed to see it. Tragic losses may have been results of people’s stupidity rather than the portrayed misfortune in their tales. I’m not saying it’s always the case; I just stay aware that it could be. Most people see things from one angle; they emotionally cling to that angle; sabotaging their understanding of it. I never make that mistake. To learn, you must dare to question and laugh at your idols.”
“Don’t lie! I saw you two yesterday! You were having a good time.”
“Sure we were. But we’re just friends. I don’t want to take it further; at least not now.”
“Why? What’s wrong with that cutie?”
“Nothing. But right now I’m not OK with myself. I’m working on some personal stuff.”
“Well, maybe you don’t have to! Who says you need to fight alone?”
“I’m not. My therapist is with me.”
“Umm, sure; but how about being with a partner? After all, what use is a partner, if you have to fight battles alone?”
“Exactly. What use am I as a partner, if my partner has to fight both of our battles? Alone? Since I’m not OK with myself? Which I have to be first, to fight other stuff together? You getting that? It’s one thing if I was already in a relationship and developed issues later. Expecting partner’s support is valid there; for the relation would already be quite evolved. But here, I’d be tossing my self-hate into the birth of relationship itself. The relation will develop accordingly. With me looking at my partner as my emotion manager right from the get-go. Needy. Dependent. Probably inviting a scammer into my life. Or maybe, I’ll really a get a sweet soul and I’ll project my self-hate onto that sweetness. Taking the love and patience for granted. Abusive. Building resentments. Neither of us need that. We both deserve a self-loving me. I’ll get to that first.”
“But maybe this cutie won’t wait for that…”
“I don’t expect that in the first place. I may not be OK right now; but I’m not blind. I’m being real with life here. No double-games.”
“Check the measure of validation in appreciation.”
“What’s the difference between the two?”
“Appreciation is note of WHAT you are. Validation is note of WHO you are. Appreciation is for your performance. Validation is for your existence. Remember, your mind must not exist by others’ support. You must exist on your own; with self faith. You must love yourself unconditionally. You must respect and validate who you are. Only then, what you do will be a natural expression. It’ll be pure, true; and hence appreciable. If you exist only by validation from others, you’re a puppet in their hands; your doom is certain.”
“Must be? Why, is it a law that modesty must be linked with orthodoxy?”
“Well, isn’t it most observed to be that way?”
“Maybe; but it can be a personal choice too.”
“Why’d anyone choose this?”
“Why wouldn’t someone?”
“You have such great physique. You should flaunt it.”
“I should? So it’s a demand? Now that surely seems orthodox to me.”
“Haha! Flaunting physique is orthodox?”
“Demanding anything surely is. Let’s check if we’re missing the whole point of modernity here. Which is, ‘no rigid demands’, as I understand. If I want to flaunt it, I will. If I don’t want that, that should be OK too.”
“All I’m saying is, it won’t hurt to be a bit bold.”
“And how do I do that?”
“Show some skin, silly!”
“But people already know I have skin. I’m surely not wrapping clothes over skinless muscles. Besides, what am I being bold against? An action is surely bold when it’s an opposition to an oppression. Nobody has ever oppressed me. I know many others are facing that problem; I understand if they’re doing the exact opposite as reaction; as rebellion. But in a way, even that opposite polarity is decided by oppressors. Sad. I’m bold when I need to. But never with a reaction. Never with mere opposite polarity. Always with a response of my own. It’s a choice. Retaining that is the whole point.”
We may have experienced sex. Doesn’t necessarily mean we know it. It’s just a path. It’s our walk that makes a journey out of it. Do we pay attention? Do we think beyond pleasures? It doesn’t always have to be spiritual; but do we know it can be if we choose? Fine, let’s forget about it; what about safety? Do we choose partners consciously? Do we sense their minds? Or do we just notice their bodies? Do we do it ‘with’ someone? Or do we just do stuff ‘to’ someone? Do we realize that they will leave their imprint onto our systems? Do we question if we want that? What we do, and what we allow to be done, will remain with us, in us, as us, for the rest of our life. Do we choose? Or do we get carried away? Do we realize we’ll never be the same after?
We want stories. We create stories. We live stories.
When he was a child, John’s dad always told him, “Try hard.” Apparently, that’s how one gets success. John’s dad wasn’t wrong. But John never got exactly how to try hard. Was studying entire day ‘trying hard’? Was continuing the game even after both knees were bleeding enough of a hard try? John never knew. So as a kid, he just adopted an idea: try hard, right from the get-go. And never stop. The goal never mattered.
When he joined the army, it wasn’t that he liked the hardship. It was the last thing left. He had already tried hard at mechanical engineering; he had worked at an oil rig at -30 Degree Celsius; he had tried hard and made life miserable for himself, his workmates, his bosses; they had casted him out. And army needed men like him who were willing to destroy themselves; he got a job. Not that he rose through the ranks ever; that required ‘trying smart’. He remained a captain; somehow never enough to be a major. He lived his story to the word: “Try hard”. And of course, the spirit of his story was that it was never enough. No try is ever hard enough.
And of course, Jenny married him. Being a woman, she was supposed to please others – that’s what she had absorbed from her mom. Of course she had singled out John; his ever-so-distressed face was a great appeal to her pre-programmed mind. Needless to say, she denied each one of her needs, desires, ambitions to win her husband’s approval.
Their relationship was funny. He could see the subliminal cues in her; he knew she wasn’t happy; of course he blamed himself for it; he was failing his wife. And the more he tried to work on the marriage, the more she saw his distress, and the more she would – well, the story continues till date.
We love stories. No matter how much we hate who we are in those stories.
Counselor Apoorva 