A situation is wet clay. It’s not set. Our presence in it decides its shape. If you believe the clay is hard, you see it as a threat; your only goal is to fight or flight. You’ll either push too hard or you won’t push at all. Either way, you destroy your chance. If you’re clear about your goal, you’ll see the clay as the opportunity it is. Your words will be nimble fingers. You’ll focus on dexterity, not aggression. Your actions will cut it into small parts. Manageable parts. You’ll focus on creativity, not adversity. Your thought will make useful things out of it. You’ll focus on integration, not destruction. Don’t ask why this situation is in front of you. Ask how you can be the best thing that happens to it. We aren’t at the mercy of a situation. The situation is at our mercy.
“Yes, I get it. Everything is subjective. But I have been in relations with abusive people. Bosses. Business partners. Relationships. I always thought they were strong. Why? What merits did I choose here?”
“What ability did these bullies have?”
“Dominance.”
“Then that’s the merit you used.”
“But it was destructive for me. Why did I respect it?”
“Simple. You wanted to get destroyed.”
“Huh?”
“These people weren’t ‘encounters’. They were ‘relations’. They were bullies; and yet, you chose to let them be a part of your life. For a long period. It means three things. : Consciously, your self-esteem was low. : Subconsciously, you felt you deserve not to exist. : Unconsciously, you knew they were the perfect tool for your self-destruction. There you go. You were answering your ‘script’. The unconsciously written story of your life. You wrote it long time ago. We don’t respect people as per who they are. We respect people as per our self-image. We respect anyone who’ll help our scripts. If the script says we’re positive, we respect those who help integration. If the script says we’re negative, we respect those who help degeneration.”
We’re hardly heard by our words. We’re really heard by our tone. Sure, words matter. But that’s only when people pay attention. And it’s the tone that grabs that attention. And once we have their attention, next task is to maintain that attention. A great combination would be an assertive tone placing polite words forward. Yes, assertion; neither aggression nor submission. Let’s value the attention we’ve been given. Let’s also maintain self-respect while we’re at it. Our character is judged by our words. Our calibre is judged by our tone. Communication is about delivering words like bricks; one by one, slow and steady, with firm hands, to construct useful outcomes. Let’s stay mindful of that goal. Consistency is the key.
What you feel depends on what you think. What you think depends on what you see. What you see depends on how much you see. And all of it depends on your perspective. If you haven’t changed your perspective, if you haven’t observed things from multiple angles, you know nothing. Sure, you’re honest with your feelings; but your feelings aren’t honest with facts. Honesty means nothing if the faith is blind. Emotion is natural; but it’s a flow. Don’t stand as an obstacle in that flow. Don’t rush to declare your feelings. Emotion is inspiration to explore. Check. And check more. Keep checking, until the turbulence of your feeling is replaced with peace of full understanding. Knowledge is when the flow of emotion is necessary no more. Knowledge is when you feel nothing but peace.
If you knock on a hollow shell, the echo is loud. If you knock on a solid rock, there’s no sound. A difficult situation is a knock.
: The hollow ones react to it with fear. That’s why they get aggressive. They develop a spike. An overcompensation for their hollowness. The spike doesn’t cut through the situation. On the contrary, the situation uses it as grip, pulls them in and swallows them.
: The solid ones respond to it with calmness. That’s where they remain assertive. They develop no spike. They just… be. They know their solidity is sufficient. They provide no grip to the situation. The situation swallows them too. Except it’s like swallowing a diamond. The situation accidentally commits suicide.
We love it. We desire it, for we love it. We work for it, for we desire it. We feel we belong to it, as we work for it. We defend it, for we belong to it. We get angry; it’s motivation to defend it. We get violent, for we get angry. We lose it, for we get violent. We repent, for we lost it. We yearn for it, for we repent. We introspect, since we yearn for it. We change, since we introspect. We get it, because we change. Oh, we love it. We’re alive, for we love it.
We can find ways paved by others. We can run faster than everyone else. We can arrive at the destination first. Beating everyone else. And we’ll surely feel like a winner. That’s one kind of success.
Or- We can pave our own ways. We can take our time; enjoying the process. We can BECOME the destination. Inspiring many others. And we’ll surely feel fulfilled. That’s another kind of success.
Biggest limit isn’t about what we don’t know. Biggest limit is what we do know. Or at least what we believe we know. Beliefs have a demand to be preserved. We see our beliefs as necessary tools for survival. That’s why, new data is perceived as a threat to that survival; and thus, to those beliefs. Wisdom isn’t in those beliefs. It’s in knowing no belief has universal applicability. Wisdom isn’t in sticking to beliefs. It’s in knowing there’s no need to stick to any. Wisdom isn’t just in knowing. it’s in knowing that we don’t know it all. That’s what keeps us open and fluid. That’s what we really need for survival.
If we truly want to be something, then let it be an identity; not just a desire. An identity is seen in our thought, speech, action, reaction. An identity is what we execute moment-to-moment. To become something is to be it now. Let that new person call the shots, now.
Our old identity tries to pull us back into its script. Luring us with emotion. Leading to obsessively repeated actions and compulsively repeated reactions. If we truly desire what we want to be, then that desire of the new must be greater than that affection for the old; that obsessive compulsion. That’ll keep us out of old scripts.
The tool? Awareness. Whenever the old identity tries to hijack us, there’s a tiny length of time when we realize we’re walking back into the script. That’s when emotion hasn’t yet hacked into us fully. That’s when we can still choose to stop going back and continue forward. Repeat that consistently, and the new identity becomes our new script.
The road isn’t smooth. It doesn’t always need to be. The journey can still be smooth. If you plant your feet firmly. If you pace your walk steadily. For the journey isn’t ruled by the road. The journey is ruled by the walk.
“You want to rectify those mistakes? Grow? Improve? Be better?”
“Hell yes.”
“Then you need to love yourself first. No growth without love.”
“I can’t. I’m guilty. Our deeds define us.”
“Then don’t love what you did. But you can surely love what you can do now. Your mistakes are already in the past. Why hate the present-you for the past-you?”
“Can the future-me be better than the past-me?”
“The future-you depends on the present-you. Is the present-you repeating the past-you?”
“No.”
“Here’s the deal. You can hate the present-you for the past-you; and remain useless forever. Or you get real. Begin loving the present-you. Make sure your present deeds are lovable. And your future will be lovable too. It’s all a choice.”
Reality is a river-bank. We’re the river. Observe shortly, and it seems the bank decides the flow of river. Observe for long, and we realize, actually the river decides the shape of the bank. When water flows in the same way repeatedly, it leaves its mark. It creates real changes. That’s the magic of consistent repetition. It generates solid result out of fluidity. That result could be negative or positive. That repetition could be in thought, speech or action. But two things are sure: We sculpt our reality; and that repetition is the one tool we use to sculpt it. Awareness is the key.
We FEEL the way we do, for we believe we need to THINK the way we do. It’s the thought that turns emotion to feelings. And of course, that thought fails. Because it’s limited only to what we know. Whereas the situation has aspects to it unknown to us. We need to gather more data; but we don’t bother. With insufficient data, our thoughts remain incomplete. And incomplete thoughts go spiral. It’s funny. On one hand, there’s the natural need to form a response; so we can’t shut down the thought. On the other hand, we can’t complete the thought either. So it turns to infinite loops. That’s the reason we can’t manage our feelings. The remedy? Get more data. Walk out of your frames of reference. Accept that you don’t know what to think. Check the situation from most possible angles. And allow knowledge to come to you.
Let’s not mistake reality for actuality. Actuality is a movie we never watch. Reality is its plot that we hear from a friend. The name of that friend is “our sensory system”. That friend isn’t particularly bright. That friend grasps only a few things of that movie. That’s the first error. And we aren’t so bright either. We have our own limits. Beliefs. Biases. Prejudices. Perspectives. We interpret that story with a frame of reference. Discounting most of it. And filling in the blanks with our own additions. Yes. We remodel it. We change it. And that’s the second error. So – Actuality is what is. Reality is what we think it is. Reality is a lie we convince ourselves to be the truth.
The goal of thinking is to know new. To process information, and make a plan of action. Obstacle? Old plans. The past provides a frame of reference. It forces the new into that frame; discounting what can’t fit to it. Making us mistake the new for the same old. Emotion steps in. It demotivates planning new response; inspires us to choose habitual reaction: old answers to new questions. The trick is to stay mindful; and observe as it happens. Without surrendering to it. Or fighting it. Why not surrender? – For old answers don’t solve new questions. Why not fight? – For that emotion is yet another data. It tells us how the situation is affecting us. If we’re mindful, we can choose to check if that “default” approach is necessary. If it’s OK to let go of the old, and be new for the new. While we’re solving new questions, we can upgrade ourselves as well. In fact, that upgrade is the very solution.
You have your needs. Your troughs. People have their desires. Their heaps. When you expose your troughs, the heaps slide into the troughs. Whether it’s their love or their trash, depends on how deep the trough is. If it has a concrete base of self-respect, love slides in. If there’s no base but just an abyss of self-pity, it’s the best place for their trash to slide in.
We don’t just observe. We create it too. Reality is constructed by our consciousness. But hey, let’s not mistake “reality” for “actuality”. We don’t know all there’s to know. We sense only a portion of it; We remodel it in a form we can process; We label it “reality”. Of course, we miss out on lots of things.
Like beauty in someone’s attitude which we don’t see in their looks. Like love in someone’s caring actions which we don’t hear in their words. Like pain in someone’s eyes which we don’t feel in their strong handshake.
We have six sensory systems; not five. Beyond sight, sounds, touch, smell and taste, there’s mind. Its ability doesn’t just lie in how vibrant it is. It lies more in how serene it can be. For that’s what catches vibes otherwise left beyond grasp. That’s what enables us to know things beyond what we observe.
So let’s maintain a caution. Let’s not rush to declare “We know”. Let’s be calm; Let’s absorb vibes reaching out to us. Fullness of life is in that alert peacefulness.
Identities are roles. Your current self is just a role; you have been conditioned to play it. It’s so empowering when you realize you don’t have to play it all the time. You can choose to play a different role. To build a new identity is to be that identity. To have what you want, be it. Know who you want to be; and think, act, respond as that person. Let that person call the shots. Repeat it consistently, and it’ll rewire your brain.
It’ll remain a feeling until you’re done feeling it. So feel it fully. Complete the process. A feeling is an emotionalized thought locked in a loop. Because the thought isn’t complete. It’s broken. You don’t have all the data. That’s why. Instead of getting that data, your mind falls back to a belief that justifies that emotion. So check that belief behind it. Test it against facts. Collect facts and check if the belief is still valid. Make changes if necessary. You’ll note that reality always differs to what you were feeling about it.
Forgive mistakes, if you can. That doesn’t free the culprits. That frees you from the compulsion of hating them. That liberates you from the limbo you’re frozen in. But remember the mistake. To know what part of you made it possible for them to hurt you. Replace that part. Never bring it back. If it hurts, let it turn to growth.
There’s a connection between how we feel about ourselves and what happens to us. Both inspire each other. It’s about frequencies. Like attracts like.
If you aren’t OK with the situation, don’t attack the situation. Focus inside. There’s something within you. Some disintegration. An anomaly. It’s in your current self-image. You aren’t OK with yourself. There’s a tiny crack. No, not just now; not just because the situation isn’t OK. You were not-OK even before it showed up. It’s the twin that attracted the situation to you. Of course, you were unconscious of it. If you attack the situation, your reaction will be laced with this anomaly. It won’t solve the problem. It’ll only add to it.
Be calm. Take a deep breath. Have an affirmation: “I’m strong.” Replace unconsciousness with awareness. Consciously make a choice: “I’m integrating myself.” Feel it. Feel you, making your peace with yourself. Know that peace is an independent choice. Unrest is relevant to what’s happening outside; but peace isn’t bound to it. Peace can exist on its own. If we let it. And it can manifest its twin in outside situation. Stop advocating how natural it is to feel not-OK. It’s useless. Focus on solving the problem outside by being different within. Remember, you’re in control here. You command what happens to you.
Love or hate: They serve the same function. They both keep us tethered to that person.
Neither are just about what we notice in them. They’re also about what we choose to ignore.
Neither are results of what THEY are. They’re motivators for how WE wish to be.
Neither are about the roles that person plays. They’re about the scripts WE want to follow.
Someone else hates that person for the same reason we love them. Someone else loves that person for the same reason we hate them. That person is just an excuse. The lover uses it to justify being the lover. The hater uses it justify being the hater. For that’s what our feelings are. They aren’t reactions to things we love or hate. Emotions exist as independent selves in us. They find excuses to come out and express themselves. Oh yes; we don’t “feel” love or hate. We ARE love or hate. Sometimes this; sometimes that.
A situation becomes a problem, when a mind perceives it as a problem. The difficulty of the problem doesn’t depend on what it is; it depends on what we make of it. Sometimes, we develop our own perception of what a solution looks like, typically. Unconsciously, it becomes a demand: “It must always look like it.” If we believe all problems are difficult and they need only the smartest solutions, that belief affects our mood, choice, and action. We fail to realize that it’s our choice of response that makes the problem difficult. Some solutions need external additions. Some need simple re-arrangements. Others need replacement of a situation. Whatever it is, it basically needs a change in beliefs. To solve any problem, first check your belief of how the solution MUST be gained. Change it to checking how it CAN be gained.
Thrills last until familiarity shows up. Is ever-lasting romance possible? Maybe. If you can manage to spring surprises daily. Most can’t. We can fret about it. We can keep jumping from people to people, to desperately try keeping it alive. Or we can accept its superficial nature; and look for something deeper. For deeper things exist. And they’re manageable. With some adult awareness. We can be respectful and be respectable. We can trust and be trustworthy. We can care and appreciate being cared. We can love and acknowledge being loved. These are choices. Awaiting conscious application. To turn infatuation into relation. To grow happenstance into significance. To shift from excitement to fulfilment. Of course, it takes two adults here. To attract one, genuinely and consistently be one.
Hyenas don’t have their own strength. The deer lend them that strength.
Not that a hyena’s paws are much stronger than a deer’s kicks. It’s the deer’s brain that lends anxiety to its legs rather than power. The hyenas fake an idea. The deer choose to believe it’s real.
Not that bullies are great at projecting a larger-than-life image. There are a ton of loopholes. But it’s the victims who fill in the gaps with their own imagination.
Strength is in its acknowledgment. You choose to see it in your oppressor, You lend them strength. You choose to know it within you, You lend yourself strength.
You’re talking about the problem, when you share it as your emotional need. You’re whining about the problem, when
it’s all you ever talk about;
being the victim becomes your identity;
you keep telling how invalid the situation is;
you keep justifying how valid your complaint is;
you keep advocating against all solutions to it.
You’re learning about the problem, when
you get real;
you accept it is there;
you explore all its dimensions;
you check what part of your beliefs, speech, actions and transactions brought it to you;
you accept you need to make changes in you; could be additions of what you didn’t know; could be rejection of unreal ideas you had; could be virtues like mindfulness, alertness, polite assertiveness, discipline, patience.
Sure, we don’t have what we had. But have we really lost it? Is it not safe in the past? Untouchable by anything that’ll ever happen? Is it not our treasure? Ours alone? Sadness is natural; but Why discount that treasure by a continued grief?
Sure, we lost the future we assumed we’d have. But was it ever ours to assume? Is this not an opportunity to learn of the futility of assumptions? Is this not an inspiration to respect, value, love what we have at present all the more?
Sure, loss has cut us; changed us. Sure, we’ll never be the same again. But our love was tethered to a part of us. The part that gravitated it to us in the first place. The part which still has its imprint. The part that’s only been augmented by that bond. That’s the legacy. It’s a choice to carry it. It’s a choice to be it.
To let our treasure get air, feel life, through us. Let it be us. Let us be it. It’s a privilege.
That part is what we’ll be, reaching forward. Let it be our breath; let it choose our next steps. Let it add to itself. Let it help us grow. If we can’t be the same person again, Let’s be a better person. If we can’t be with moons who parted from us, Let’s be with a sun that awaits us. Possibilities are infinite. It’s up to us which ones we manifest. It’s up to us which ones we match with.
Stupidity is when we don’t consider consequences. Maturity is when we do. Especially when we’ve been stupid before.
Sure, many a times, maturity comes after stupidity. We hurt ourselves and we realize, ‘Oh’. That realization isn’t the end of journey. It’s merely the beginning.
Growth happens when we wholeheartedly accept there’s no growth without surviving the results of immaturity. For only facing those pains will inculcate the lesson in our blood. So let’s stop whining. Let’s stop expecting a miraculous excuse from those results. Let’s rescue ourselves.
If our deeds dropped us in a pit, let’s dig a staircase out of it on our own. Only that ensures no more pits in future.
The situation was just stimulation. It was neither positive nor negative. The nervous system caught it. The pre-loaded belief decided the approach. A label: “bad”; “unfair”; “horrible”; “shocking”. The label decided the emotional reaction. Then thoughts showed up. They didn’t check the facts of the situation. They just answered the demands of approach. They just supported the label. That’s all they ever care for. They met the emotion; turned it into a feeling. Emotion is momentary; feelings have lengths. Feeling is a verb used as noun. It’s work-in-progress; an incomplete function; but thoughts never finished that work. They just kept on adding to it. Enlarging the situation way out of proportion. Elongating the emotion way beyond its moment. Suspending you into a drama. Thoughts are such drama-queens, you know… Don’t like the drama? Then step out of it; and check facts. Turns out, facts never asked for you to hold on to the situation. There was never any such need. Only thoughts thought so. Silly.
No, it’s not negative. It’s just what it is. We label it negative, for it differs to our beliefs and demands of how things should be. Well, we’ll reach to how things should be, only when we accept how things are. That acceptance turns obstacles into steps.
It hurts; but not on its own. It hurts, for we carry it forward. Nothing has significance of its own. It’s us who allot significance to things. Most of our pain comes from our own advocacy of how that pain is valid. Well, if being in pain is the goal, then congrats! Our advocacy won! But if mental peace is the goal, then how about choosing it over the pain?
Mental peace is chosen when we accept:
There’s no script as per which life must be. Sure, what we want to happen can be a goal. But that’s exactly why, it’s OK if it’s not here. We can always reach it. Our denial to what happened keeps us locked to it. Our acceptance of it frees us to reach ouy of it and toward our goal.
Things may be not-OK. Doesn’t mean we have to be not-OK with selves. What happened isn’t our failure. It’s just a reflection of who we were that time. Maybe we were carrying a disintegration with self, unconsciously. Maybe we were anxious/angry/unaware/unstable at a subtle level for some reason, before all of it. That’s when negativity attacks us. It’s law of attraction. So let’s not attract more negativity further by destroying ourself further with bad feelings. Let’s get back to awareness. Calm down. Let’s switch identities. No need to be who we were a moment ago. It’s a choice.
“It’s not a wonder. It’s just a situation. A state. And states may change. Those who love me today may hate me tomorrow. I don’t base my mental stability over it.”
“But why think negative?”
“Oh, there’s nothing negative here! I’m thinking in realistic terms. I don’t see it as pain. Just an understanding. People don’t love us for who we are. They have no reason to do that, no matter how great we are. People love us for what they get out of it. People like me when my opinions equal theirs. They see conformity there. People like me when I solve their problems. They see facility there. People like me when I’m extrovert. They see variety there; entertainment, excitement. Human beings are social creatures; only because there are benefits in it. Selflessness is ideal; but selfishness is biological. It’s programmed in our system. I don’t complain about the absence of idealism here. I accept the realism as it is. It’s unwise to remain unaware and get shocked. It’s wiser to accept and have mindful relations.”
Have you seen that tiny concave that houses your car door handle? Have you noticed those scratches on the paint? Know how they showed up there? It’s your nails. Each time you open your car door, your nails rub against the paint. Just lightly. Nothing happens for first few days. But you do that day-in, day-out; every morning and evening; and in a few months your nails manage to do what iron nails would. That’s what consistent repetition manages. It solidifies ideas into reality. Like your slipped disk: repeated wrong posture. Like your messed up marriage: repeated taunts. Like liver damage: just a pint, but one too many. Or hey – It could be great health: light but daily exercise. Great relations: repeated positive conversations. Rise in income: small but disciplined investments. We live in a fluid universe. Things solidify in it when we bring them together. Repetition is what brings things together. Consistency is what keeps them together. That’s manifestation. Like a radio that matches with certain frequency; connecting with a station and staying at it. The song can make us dance or cry. Depends on our mindfulness in tuning to things.
“They’re close to me. If I prioritize my needs over them, I’ll lose them. So I always prioritize their demands.”
“Do they make you do that? Or is it you?”
“They make me feel guilty if I don’t.”
“It means they hijack the relation for their profit. What do you gain keeping such people close?”
“I never really thought that. How do they get to hijack the relation? It’s my politeness, isn’t it? I should be aggressive.”
“Neither. It’s not your politeness; and aggression will only spoil things further. The trouble is the anxiety evident in your voice. Fear is born out of lack of awareness. A relation works on mutual respect. People will respect you only if you have self-respect. Absent that, people see you as doormat. It’s human tendency. People are respectful only when it’s necessary. Remember, we decide how people treat us. It depends on how we treat ourselves in front of them. You’ll treat yourself respectfully when you accept you and your needs matter. You can feed others only when you’re well fed. That’s awareness. That’s clarity of thought. Have it, and your mind will be firm. That firmness will step into your voice as polite assertiveness. That’s when saying ‘no’ gets the job done. That’s when you respect them and yourself too. That’s when people get in line. Politeness is decency, not submissiveness. Assertiveness is integrity, not aggression. Don’t lose your niceties. Strengthen them.”
“They have potential. They could use it for their growth. Instead, they use it for your growth. How do you convince them?”
“Oh, it’s simple. I make sure they don’t realize their potential. To know their potential, they need to value independence and individuality. For which they need self-respect. I just methodically convince them it’s arrogance. Since childhood. I have entire systems in place for it. They all lose faith in themselves. They begin to see independence as a myth and individuality as a sin. Their potential never turns to comprehensive skills. I teach them to carry individual tiles that form a big picture; but they never know the full picture. Absent that vision, they remain my servants.”
“Interesting. You have a brother. His tactics are exact opposite of you. Unlike your servants, his sycophants actually have arrogance. But he tells them it’s self-respect. And it works! How come?”
“Simple. He’s a politician! He needs others to do his bidding, same as me. He needs to eliminate competition too. That happens when masses flock together under his flag. And if you want that, just give people an opportunity for destruction. Masses have great nuisance value; bubbling under the surface; just up for grabs; ready to be fooled by excuses to let the beast out. And when you tell them it’s their birth-right, they just love you!”
Reaction: when we let the situation dictate us. Response: when we dictate the situation. Difference between these two: awareness. “I always say/do/act/react like that.” This is when we have no awareness. This is when we have set things to defaults. This is when we forget that even if situations are same, survival, life and growth need new replies. For it’s not what happens to us; it’s how we reply to it that shapes us. Response is when we know our goal in that situation. It’s not shutting people up. It’s not shutting things down or escaping them. It’s not fighting. It’s winning. It’s survival and upgrading. It’s leveling up. Response is when we remember that goal and we decide new replies that cater to that goal.
It’s easy to mistake self-respect and narcissism for each other.
Self-Respect is respecting self. Narcissism is worshipping self.
Self-Respect is self-acceptance. Narcissism is self-glorification.
Self-Respect is knowing, “I’m unique, just like everyone else.” Narcissism is believing, “I’m special, like no-one else.”
Self-Respect allows differences in opinion. Narcissism quickly shifts to patronization.
Self-Respect is actually building prowess. Narcissism is delusion of grandeur that ignores any need for effort.
Self-Respect is rejection of conformity, while respecting others’ sentiments. Narcissism is rejection of norms, along with empathy and others’ needs as well.
Self-Respect may choose individualism, in case social norms turn unhealthy. Narcissism shifts individualism to self-divinity, whatever the social norms may be.
Finally, Self-Respect stays true to self with assertiveness. Fools mistake it for arrogance. Narcissists are master actors that fake boldness. Fools mistake it for confidence.
Fear isn’t about what scares us. Fear is information of what we’re scared to lose. If we accept it and strengthen it, we win. If we reject it and remain in denial of growth, fear turns to insecurity.
Anger isn’t about who offends us. Anger is information of what’s vulnerable in us. If we accept it and fortify it, we win. If we reject it and remain in denial of growth, anger turns to hatred.
Loss isn’t about who left us. Loss is information of our dependencies on them. If we accept it and build independence, we win. If we reject it and remain in denial of growth, loss turns to grief.
Guilt isn’t about mistakes. Guilt is about false self-image of perfection. If we accept it and rectify that self, we win. If we reject it and remain in denial of growth, guilt turns to remorse.
“I made so many sacrifices for my love. I broke my rules. I betrayed friends and loved ones. I stole; I exploited; I used people. And I allowed myself to get used. I did things I didn’t want to. All for love. Why does love turn to pain?
“No. Love never turns to pain. Love would have helped your integrity. Instead, you broke it. So it wasn’t love. It was low self-esteem. Greed. Lust. Neediness.”
“I was forced to break my integrity.”
“Love never encourages disintegration. We choose it. Let’s see: : You broke rules. Why did you have them? To help you live with order. Love would have helped you strengthen it. Only lack of trust in that order can break it. : You betrayed people. Why did you call them loved ones? Because they were with you in thick and thin. Love would have respected that. Only greed can blind you to that. : You exploited people. How could you? It’s because you have skills to manage people. Love would have helped you build relations. Only lust can make you abuse relations. : And finally, you allowed yourself to get used. Why did you disrespect yourself? Love would have elevated your self-respect. Only neediness makes you part ways with you. My friend, you haven’t found love yet. But you have surely found enemies within. Work on them first. Think straight. Love is only for those who stay true to selves.”
It’s disagreeable. But it is there. As many things were, are, will be. Disagreement with it is natural. Hate is artificial. Hate is continuation of fight with reality. Reality always wins that fight. By simply remaining disagreeable. Hate ends the hater; not the hated. We can’t agree with it and that’s true. But we don’t have to keep hating it. We can study it. Understand it. Check what makes it disagreeable. Does it present any violence? Or does it simply differ to our ways? Who needs to change? It or us? Can we change it? If not, then again, who needs to change? It or us? Understanding is growth. It doesn’t make us bigger than what we hate. It makes us bigger than our need to hate it. It makes us immune to the perceived threat. It paves way to acceptance. That’s when we agree to disagree; and move on. Keeping things real. And that’s what we need.
Belief is an assumption of consistency. Where things and people remain constants. Except, they never do. Change time, place, situation, context; and so will things, people, right, wrong. Each event has its specific location in space-time. Each location has its own parameters. So no parameters can be generalized. So no absolutes exist in life. So no consistency can be assumed. So no beliefs are actually true. We’re unconscious of it. We base all choices on these assumptions. Whom to love. To trust. To hate. To reject. What will work. What won’t. For most people, life is a result of errors in these assumptions. Mindful living is when we quit assumptions; and assess reality anew, fresh in the present. When we make brand-new choices each time. Accepting their expiry as soon as location shifts. Being real. Applying consciousness without fail.
The road isn’t smooth. It never is. We can see it as an excuse to separate. Or we can lend a hand each and continue. Being together is a desire. And desire is desire. Desire is love. Desire is strength. Desire is everything. If it is there, the road and its difficulties simply don’t matter.
– “Why did you distance yourself?” – “They were hurting me.” – “Maybe they were also hurt.” – “So?” – “So maybe you should consider that.” – “Does consideration mean permission? To allow them to keep hurting me?” – “Umm… No… But maybe you want to be a bit more tolerant.” – “Did I ever tell you I was abused in childhood?” – “Were you? No, I didn’t know that.” – “I don’t go on abducting people’s kids for it.” – “Maybe you got good help in time. Before your pain turned to a disorder.” – “No. I received no help. I asked for it; nobody offered any. I was in pain for a long, long time. But now I’ve come out of it. No, I take no credit for it. It was nature and life that gave me the pain. It was nature and life that gave me the tools to manage that pain. In either case, I had no control over what was given to me. I’m not saying we must manage our own pain; we don’t always have control over receiving and managing pain. But I always had a control over what I’m GIVING to others. We all do. And it was a choice to give pain to others. I never made that choice. I could have, back when I was yet to come out of it. I could have claimed it’s not in my control. But I knew it was a lie. You pain others simply because you want to. Whether you’re in pain, has nothing to do with it. So let’s stop fooling ourselves. I’m sorry these people might’ve been hurt. If they were, I sincerely wish them help. But it gives them no right to hurt me. And it’s surely not the way to ask for my help. Yes, I have a right to defend myself. And yes, I have a right to walk away from harm.”
Pleasure is a condition. Peace is a choice. Pleasure comes and goes. Peace can stay, if chosen. Pleasures are bodily sensations. Peace is a mental state. Most important: Peace is when we can always choose pleasures; but pleasures do not necessarily let us choose peace. Often what we choose for pleasure robs us of peace. They come with hidden costs. Loss. Disease. Decay. Pain. Maturity is knowing such pleasures; and appreciating that peace is always more important than any of them. Health is more important than fun. Growth is more important than expenditure. Safety is more important than thrill. Consequences are more important than sensations. Maturity is when we make life-selections where, to choose peace, remains as a choice.
Growth is addition. So is cancer. Difference is control. Development is when we control growth. Cancer is when we can’t and it kills us. Key is awareness. Ambition absent awareness is greed. Too much isn’t about the size. Too much is about absence of command over it. Growth is cancer when we grow too much, and the sheer momentum of it turns it into an explosion; rather than flourishing it into a creation. Control a nuclear reactor and it’ll supply energy for centuries. Lose that control; we get Chernobyl. Heat milk and it’s awesome. Heat it without attention and suddenly there’s horribly stinking smoke in the entire house. Harness your zest. Pay attention. Don’t deny it; don’t restrict it; give it a channel. Don’t work for it. Let it work for you.
There’s nothing wrong with helping people. But there’s a lot wrong with – – declaring their situation as a “problem” just because it differs to YOUR template of ‘normalcy’; – assuming they MUST be sad if they aren’t laughing at stupid jokes; – assuming they can’t help themselves just because their actions aren’t what YOURS would be; – never asking if they actually NEED your help; – directly taking control of their life in your hands WITHOUT asking their permission; – forcing them to “solve” their “problems” YOUR way.
Always check. Always assess. Always ask. Always know there’s a lot happening in the background that may not be immediately apparent.
Life isn’t in what happens to us. Life is in how we reply to it. A reply can be a reaction or a response. A reaction is scripted. Habitual. Predictable. Just a hormonal impulse replying to a trigger. A response is designed. New. Effective. No denial of emotion; but fully result-oriented. Growth is when we make a conscious shift from reaction to response. Growth is in knowing the situation is always new, irrespective of our urge to see our past in it. Growth is in accepting and developing new responses. Growth is in assessing the situation as well as the emotion it triggers, without letting one blind us to the other. The more we try to know and the more we try not to fabricate, assume, rush, the more precise we can respond.
We’re different, you and I. We’ll always be. And everything about us will be. Especially our opinions. Most people are scared of it. No, they aren’t really scared of the other person’s opinion, per se. They’re scared of the very fact that there’s a difference. If you want to ask me why I feel what I feel, most probably you’ve noticed that difference. Please check if you’re upset too. And if you are, then check: do you need to be so? Have a look at this image. True – true – truth.
Yes, two people can be true about the same truth and yet be different in their opinion of it. It’s all about perception. The viewpoint. The angle. You’ll never understand me if you aren’t willing to shift your angle. So when you ask me “Why?”, do shift. We can judge or we can learn. We can’t do both.
– “Who are you?” – “Nobody. Labels change. I’m thinking about some stuff; makes me a dreamer. I talk about it sometimes; makes me a talker. I’ve just begun working on it; makes me a starter. Ask me when I’m done. If I’ve failed, I’m a failure. If I apply same methods and expect different results, I’m an idiot. If I’ve given up, I’m a loser. If I finished it, then I’m a doer. And hopefully, a learned one. And then that achievement, too, will be my past. If I boast of past gains, I’m a relic. If I clean my slate of pride, try something new, then I’m alive.”
There’s a little rock in front of you. A little something you’ve never done yet. Like, getting up maybe half an hour earlier. Performing one more set of bicep curls. Saying no to someone. Spending just five minutes deep breathing. Sharing a post. Or writing your own. Freely; without fearing who’ll think what of it. It’s easy if you see it as the little rock it is. It’s difficult if you make a mountain of it. Growth is easy. Even if it’s a mountain, nobody climbs it in one lunge. We all do it one step at a time. One little rock at a time. And anyone can do that. If you do that too, you just crossed a great mountain. It’s the mountain of realizing there was never any mountain in the first place. Once you get that, you’re limitless. Don’t just believe it. Try it and know it for real.
“Flexibility. Life is a river and we’re fish. The waters don’t define the journey. Our swimming does. The waters are never the same. They can be shallow or deep; Serene or turbulent. Clear or muddy. Each moment needs a different swim. Life isn’t in how it questions me. Life is in how I reply to it. I never set my replies to default settings. I see; I notice; I adapt; I form a response. There’s no set me. I’m free. I’m open.”
If you aren’t happy right now, it’s OK. Doesn’t mean you should always be unhappy. But it’s OK that sometimes you aren’t. Nobody can and will be happy all the time. It’s a part of life. Let’s accept it. Most of our sorrows come from its denial. We can’t stand not being happy; we believe it must be an everlasting state. That unreal expectation is never fulfilled; leaving us stressed all the time. We all have enough strength to overcome odds. Our denial robs us of it. It keeps us in a suspended limbo of inaction and continues the sorrow state. Acceptance of reality as it is keeps that strength available for us. It allows us to take the necessary steps. Never ever offer denial to reality. Live free of denials.
“But how? Usually, a while later, people get fed up of each other.”
“No, they get fed up of pretending to be someone else for the sake of each other. We never forced that on each other, and surely not on ourselves. We gave ourselves the chance to be ourselves. And we loved each other for being true to selves. Guess that’s the trick.”
“Do you believe in planning? Or do you manage life as it comes?”
“I believe in today and tomorrow, both.”
“Meaning?”
“I have goals that define my tomorrow. So yes, I need a definite plan; gives me focus. But life has challenges that define my today. It’s reality of life. Those challenges can and will change my plans. So no, there’s no point in hating daily surprises. So I make sure of two things.
My goal must not rob me of my flexibility.
Change in plan mustn’t mean change in goal. So yes, I plan. And I improvise too. Those challenges are life’s tantrums. I just make sure that my improvisations are responses that answer to my ultimate goal; not reactions that escape these puny tantrums.”
Motivation is when others push you. Inspiration is when you push yourself. Love for it is when you need no push. You know, you just know, you’ll keep going even when a part of you is questioning it; a part of you is unhappy with it; a part of you wants to stop and another part wants alternatives. Love is when you know no matter how much these parts scream, you won’t listen to any of them and you won’t deviate; you won’t give up. You may not be at the destination; but the path itself feels like it’s where you belong. That’s what gets you out of bed every morning even when most of you wants 5 more minutes in bed. That’s what’s called a goal.
What happened, happened. Move on. The present is always worth more than past. For the past has died; we’re alive at present. If we can’t move on, if we’re still stuck in past, it means we’ve over-rated it. Let it be an insult, someone’s misbehavior, even a heart-break. Some guilt. Some pain. Things don’t have importance of their own. They’re only as important as we make them. Let’s unlearn that over-importance. Significance is a delusion. Let’s accept that people are imperfect; so are we. Let’s accept that bad stuff can and will happen. Flaw is a part of life; perfection is a false demand. If we’re alive now, it means we survived that past. And if future throws a challenge, we’ll do our best. Win some. Lose some. It’s OK. And that’s that.
A problem is a situation asking for love. A problem-relationship is a resentful past asking for a loving present. A problem-career is an unattended plan asking for mindful attention. A disease is an uncared body asking for good diet and exercise. Pay attention to what can be, not what is. Stop fearing what is. It’s not permanent. Nothing is. Don’t let appearances fool you. Things weren’t always here, like this. The fact that things have arrived here shows us they can go somewhere else too. It’s up to us to decide where. People have grown gardens in deserts too. Negligence, ignorance, carelessness are choices. So are love, attention, appreciation, care.
“Does your partner treat you like you’re special?”
“What means special?”
“Like, you’re most important. Like, you’re always the priority. You get whatever you want.”
“Thank God, no! I’m not most important. I don’t want to be. That’s narcissistic and that’s never romantic. I’m not the priority, not when I praise equality. And I’m grateful I don’t get whatever I want; I’m an adult and I know I can’t and I won’t. But yes, my partner treats me like I’m human. I can be myself here. I’m flawed. I’m imperfect. And yet, I’m accepted as I am. I’m not forced to be someone I’m not. I don’t have to force myself to wear any masks. Yes, my opinions are asked and valued. Yes, they can be different than my partner’s; and I’m not shamed for it. I don’t have to edit myself as per a script. I can breathe free. I can live free. We have a great bond; not a rigid lock. And yes, I’m loved! I’m appreciated! Not just for what I do; but for who I am. We’re two ordinary people in a healthy relation. It works; for there’s simplicity in it. And yes, that’s so special!”
Life is a drama, only because we play roles. Situations don’t decide our reply to them. The roles we play at the time decide it. If we’re playing a victim, we’d use everything to feel victimized. If we’re playing a rebel, we’d rebel even against righteous words from loved ones. Our reaction decides our feeling. The longer we feel it, the longer the role stays. We don’t continue OUR survival. We continue the survival of the ROLE. Let’s be mindful of it. Yes, every choice is a role; but we all know which roles help and which hurt. Mindful living is in maintaining the ability to choose the helpful role.
Accept feelings. Don’t run away from them. Don’t cling to them either. Feelings are emotionalized thoughts. Check those thoughts. Assess them in realistic terms. Assess the beliefs that breed them. Learn which beliefs need to be unlearned. That’s your growth. Have it. Move on. Keep it real.
“My friend, that’s just molecular happenstance. Nobody has planned crap for you. Get real.”
“So I am… meaningless?”
“If you wait for someone else to give you meaning, you’ll always be meaningless. And pretty useless. We’re all meaningless. We come here unscripted; but that’s not a loss. That’s a beautiful opportunity for us to write our own scripts. We don’t have a meaning; we get one. Our choices henceforth will decide it for us. Your purpose is whatever you want it to be. Just look for what makes you happy; and what may serve as happiness for others too. It can be learning brain surgery or selling dope. See which one is constructive; meaning is in that vision. Stop asking for your meaning. Build it.”
“Which diminishes when I use it. Richness isn’t in assets that go away. Richness is in assets that stay. And the only asset that stays is a skill. Use it as much as you want, you still got it. In fact, repeated use becomes practice. It hones it. It adds to it. Money lets me live well. Skills let me survive well. For they let me reinvent; reboot. Even if they take all my money away. Regeneration is the key to life. Achievement in one is great; but achievement in many is awesome. Skills let me do that. I don’t just invest money in money. I invest most of it in learning.”
“By our awareness. Or the lack of it. Life is like our head. We have eyes on only one side of it. We manipulate the things we see. We’re manipulated by things we don’t see. Sure we have a neck; we can turn and see what’s not immediately apparent. But then something else is left out of sight. We may have seen it earlier; but now that we aren’t looking at it anymore, it may have changed and we wouldn’t know.”
“So it’s a bit of both, yes? Seen as well as unseen?”
“Yes. There’ll always be something left unseen.”
“And the unseen attacks us. That’s the root of misery.”
“No. Misery is because we refuse to accept it.”
“Even if we accept it as a technicality, it still hurts.”
“The hurt comes from within. It isn’t offered to us. It’s what we offer to reality. The remedy is to look within. These unseen things don’t attack us. They just show up. We see an ‘attack’ in it, for they differ to our beliefs. Beliefs that assume or expect consistency. Beliefs that demand what ‘should’ happen. Beliefs that reject anything can and will happen. Beliefs that reject the naturalness of inconsistency. Beliefs that contrast reality itself. The root of misery is in those unreal beliefs. Our job is to notice these unreal beliefs. And quit them. That enables us to handle reality in real-time; without freezing in an emotional limbo of denial.”
Mental unrest is an obsession. What happened has happened; you know you don’t need to stay frozen there. Time has moved on; so can you. But you don’t permit yourself that. You say, “How can I move on?” The only thing that’s stopping you, is – no, not your emotion; but your beliefs. Two kinds of beliefs, in fact. : Beliefs that justify the unrest. : Beliefs that justify continuing the unrest. Yes, the second is funnier. They turn the whole thing into a drama. You find a role to play here. An identity that feels hurt/offended/guilty – anxious. Sometimes, it’s the traditionalist or the feminist in you. Or it’s the Christian/Muslim/Hindu etc in you. Sometimes it’s the perfectionist/idealist. None of these identities are original. Your slate was clean when you were born. You picked up all this load along the way. Since long, you’ve maintained these identities, with the beliefs that dictate their disturbance. They keep supplying the thoughts that suit them. And you feel as what you think. Reason? You get to live the false role. Result? Lots of unnecessary unrest. Remedy? Know it’s a drama. Know it’s unnecessary. Your identity isn’t in any of it. Your identity is how you approach life at present. That’s it. Your truth is only present moment. And if the moment that hurt you has passed, there’s really no practical reason not to move on. Live real. Quit roles. Live in here and now.
“Not really. I’m just working like a machine. Studies. Money. Workout. All my goals. Always training but never gaining.”
“Ever seen how they make trees branch out? They cut the stem at specific points. Serves as trigger for branches to sprout out. But they make sure the cuts aren’t too much. And not too many. They don’t keep screaming abuses at the tree, in the name of motivation, no ‘come on b*tch, put up or shut up’; with spittle flying out of their mouths; staring like a psychopath at the tree, hoping it’ll speed up growth. They know it won’t. The tree knows too. It doesn’t just keep cutting itself like a maniac, 18 hours each day, no weekend offs. The tree needs some time for recovery. How the hell would the tree grow if it just keeps cutting itself like an idiot? The idea is to have a manageable inspiration for possible construction. The idea isn’t to get greedy and go for all-out destruction. Nobody gets too sentimental about it. They keep it real. An intense but short work every day; followed by sufficient nutrition and recovery. Consistency is valued over volume. For it works. Perhaps you can absorb something out of it.”
“The problem isn’t in me. The problem is in a situation.”
“No it isn’t. The situation could be positive or negative. But that’s your emotional point of view. In practical terms, the situation is merely an arrangement. You label it a problem, for it’s problematic to you. Which means, you’re the misfit in that arrangement. The situation isn’t going to rearrange itself. You need to rearrange it by working on that misfit. You have three options. : You can fit to it. : You can fit the rest of it to you. : Or you get out of it; make your own arrangement. The selection depends on three things: Rationality. Ability. Possibility. : Choose what’s most rational, : What you can actually manage, : And what’s really possible. In any case, it’s going to be a change in you. The final result will be a mere reflection of it.”
What are your expectations based on? Confirmation? Or assumption? Did you know things will be as you expect? Or did you assume? Disappointment or shock isn’t just when things don’t turn out as we thought. It’s more about our failure to grasp reality as it is. Assume nothing. : Assume no consistency. People and things can and will change. Kindness, rationality, intelligence, they all differ from time to time. Make no stereotypes, prejudices, biases. That’s what fools you. : Believe no hear-say. The reality people saw – The reality they interpreted – The reality they’ll portray to you – The reality that you see – All will be different. : And finally, Learn to unlearn. What you know is old and probably obsolete. Even knowledge leads to assumption, if it’s not updated. Stay cautious. Know anew, each time, every time. Expect only what you can confirm; and still… …be ready for a little variation of it.
Be real about yourself. Play no roles. Begin no dramas. Step into no dramas. Live as you. Life is in being yourself. Success is in being best at being yourself.
Be real about your feelings. Don’t deny. Accept you’re feeling things. And then check facts. Check situation. Is that feeling really suitable? Check beliefs. Do they breed useful thoughts?
Be real about your learning. Little of it is adding new data. Most of it is unlearning the useless part of it. Learning is refining. Make it useful. Make it simple and effective.
Be real about what you want. And why. Know where your happiness really is. Be honest about it; stay true to the path to it. It’s OK if it’s something simple. It’s yours. The goal is fulfillment. Your fulfillment.
Be real about why you’re alive. The goal is to be at peace with yourself. Past has negative memories; but they need not hurt you all these years later. You’re a different person now. Be it. Choose.
“It was a chance for you to put them in their place.”
“I don’t care about their place. I care about my place. Stupid questions are an appeal to enter a drama. People play one role; we’re appealed to play another. If we answer, we don’t just agree to play. We also consent to continue the play. Which is a consent to step out of our place. Stupidity wins when reason agrees to step out. And then we’re stupid too. I never make that mistake. Stupidity is like a plane taking off. It needs the resisting air of argument for its ascent. Absent that air, it crashes. I just let it.”
Reactions are quick. Responses take time. Remember, it’s OK to take that time. Response is when we give a conscious reply to a situation as per our goal in that situation. It takes time to figure out what that goal is. Maybe the goal isn’t to shut someone up. Maybe it’s to establish your true self. Maybe the goal isn’t to escape a situation. Maybe it’s to use it for personal growth. Strength is when we remain calm during that period. Strength is when we can avoid the urge to react. Strength is when we remember, we can resolve stuff only when we’re our true selves. True self never perceives a challenge in a situation. Only the false personas built by ego see a threat in it. Disturbance is an unconsciously made choice. By these unconsciously chosen personas. Not the real us. That’s when we slip into dramas rather than stepping into problem-solving. True self knows it needs not unsettle itself. True self knows it’s capable to solve anything. Strength is in remembering we’re strong. Accept that truth wholeheartedly. That’s when we can permit ourselves the calm. That’s when responses are enabled. That’s when solutions are possible.
– “You think so?” – “I believe so.” – “Nobody else thinks so.” – “I’m OK with that. I don’t need them to.” – “But they aren’t OK with you.” – “I’m OK with that too.” – “Majority of people think differently. Is it wise to ignore their say?” – “How did they become majority?” – “They agreed to the same idea.” – “Or maybe they just agreed with each other. In which case, it’s conformity; not validity. Reality is subjective to individual. Everybody lives their own reality. That’s why the concept of majority is meaningless. I didn’t force my beliefs on my experiences. I let my experiences build my beliefs. I’m aware both are limited to me. That’s why I’m OK if others disagree with me. I’m aware many others won’t have that strength. That’s why I’m also OK if they don’t offer me the same courtesy.”
Fear isn’t when the situation dwarfs us. Fear is when we refuse to accept that fact. Anger isn’t when the situation discomforts us. Anger is when we refuse to accept that fact. Grief isn’t when a loved one leaves us. Grief is when we refuse to accept that fact.
And that’s natural. That denial is a mental defense mechanism to protect its sanity against a shock. What’s NOT natural, is to MAINTAIN that denial further. That’s when we play a game with ourselves. That’s when we concretize an unreal role for ourselves. That’s when we dupe ourselves.
Mindfulness isn’t emotionlessness. That’d be mindlessness. Mindfulness isn’t even a demand to face reality emotionally unchallenged. That’s absurd. Mindfulness is when we note the e-motion; but we continue with the motion of reality. Mindfulness is when we note what’s happening; what it does to us; which beliefs it hits; and where we get a pang of denial; AND then we move on. We don’t continue the denial. We make a conscious choice to walk out of it. Mindfulness is when we remember it’s not necessary to stay frozen in one moment. The moment has already passed. And if the goal is to get back to strength, wisdom is to accept the truth that what happened doesn’t have to stop us. From being our natural selves.
Speech is like a river. The words are merely water. It’s the voice that decides the flow. Communication is attention. The listener’s attention to words. And hence, the speaker’s attention to voice. Listeners don’t begin to be listeners by hearing words. First, they hear the tone. And it’s the tone that decides –
how attention will be directed
how words will be interpreted
how the person is evaluated
and how replies are formed. Pay attention to the goal. Why do you say what you say? What’s the purpose? What’s the desired outcome? Choose voice accordingly.
The path isn’t in the dirt in front of you. The path is in the footprints you leave in it. It’s in where you choose to step. It’s in how firmly you plant your feet. It’s in the pace of your walk, noticeable in the distance between footprints. Sure it matters if the ground is solid beneath your feet. But it matters much more how solid you are about your feet. Nobody crosses a mountain in one leap. But everybody can place one foot in front of the other. One after the other. And that’s what defeats the mountains. Journey isn’t made of the stones in your way. Journey is made of how you turned them into steps.
Yes, you’re all of that. All that I ever wanted. And more. When I look at you, I see the drop-dead gorgeous specimen you are; I grasp the grace, the beauty; I notice the poise, the calmness; I observe the intelligence behind the politeness; I fall in love with the build-up of personality; I get crazy over the volume of it all; And yes, I confess I want to get overwhelmed by it. I want to lose myself in it. I want to surrender to it.
But before I lust after you; before I let that lust run unabashed; before I give in to the Nature; to that ultimate truth of human existence; before I say ‘I love you’ and ‘I want you’, before I wait for you to accept me, I want to say – I want you to know – I respect you.
Your present is a product of your past. And I know – not all of it was nice. Some of it may be ugly as well. A great present seldom has a light past. But you survived. You let nothing stop you. I’m sure there were people and circumstances that made you crash to the ground. But I’m human enough to notice you got back up. You dusted yourself. And you resumed your walk. I see the strong choices that make you ‘you’, in how you carry yourself, your measured laughter, that thoughtful glint in your eyes before you reply to people and things; I keep staring at how fluidly you navigate challenges; I note how you always see ten steps ahead. I see how you’ve built you into you.
And I respect that.
Yes, I love you and I want it to be unconditional. You know why? Because I know I’ll never need conditions to be there, for me to love even your flaws, the innocence of which may not always be apparent. In every word, in each touch, the respect I feel for you tops the lust. Don’t know why, that’s what love is, for me.
“When reality hurts us, it pains us. When reality differs to us, we upset ourselves.”
“But a differing reality is a hurting reality.”
“No. A hurting reality is when it’s physically impossible to be ourselves anymore. A differing reality is when ‘what reality is’ differs to ‘what we expect it to be’. We can still be ourselves; but we choose not to. Our desire of a specific reality becomes an expectation; even a demand. People SHOULD speak the ‘right’ way. People SHOULD act the ‘right’ way. Things SHOULD work the ‘right’ way. Situations SHOULD be the ‘right’ way. They cross that; and we obsess over it.”
“Is it wrong to expect the right things?”
“Surely not. But it sucks to expect things to go right even when they aren’t in our control. People can and will say and do stuff that contrasts our desire. It doesn’t help not to be ready for difference between expectation and actuality. What we call ‘right’ is merely a template. Nature doesn’t define it. We do. As per our needs, desires, beliefs, approach. It’s our construct; it may be valid but not solid. People and situations aren’t our slaves. The reason you are hurt, is because you were surprised at their words. They shocked you; for you anticipated something different; something ‘right’. On what basis did you do that? You assume people will act right because you think you need them to be right. Yes you do; but you don’t need EVERYONE to be right. You need only those who’re compatible with you. Approach reality without expectations; watch its unfolding mindfully; only as data. Some will be reasonable; some will be irrational. That’s your cue to select which relations to cultivate; and which to shift to a different level. People are only as significant as what we make them to be. Be mindful about whom you award that significance.”
Ever seen a pack of polar wolves? The Alpha leads. Others follow. He paves a way. Through hard-packed snow. Facing elements that don’t like challengers like him. He breaks through it. He digs; so others can walk. He makes the traverse easier for others. He decides upon a direction. The snow makes it difficult to see one. It’s his job to choose one nevertheless. He has to sniff and learn from stinks. The snow makes it difficult to get one. It’s his job to reach out with his senses. Beyond the blizzard and the whitewash. And yes, he takes full responsibility for his choices. He takes accountability for the fate of the pack. Who manages being the Alpha? The one who beats his challengers in duels? No, that’s just how he BECOMES the Alpha. But who MAINTAINS that position? Who manages being a leader? The answer is, the one who doesn’t ASK for one. The one who agrees to be one. Without anyone else paving the way. Without anyone else facing the blizzard head-on. Without guidance. Without motivation. Possibly without any appreciation from the pack even for the grandest accomplishment. Possibly with criticism and judgment right on cue even for the slightest error. Accepting that not all would grasp the value of his effort, his vision, his smart choices, his sacrifice. That’s Alpha. No motivation; he’s self-inspired. No guidance; he learns from his mistakes. No favours; he reaches out with his ambition. Pure desire; sheer will. You’re a leader when you’re decidedly not a follower.
“By choosing no words as a reaction. By choosing silence as a response.”
“But don’t you feel hurt by their hate?”
“It used to. Back when I used to demand everyone must be sane. I don’t do that anymore. Instead, now I see people as results of their own constructs. If I’m not hurting anyone and yet they hate me, it means they have their own issues. They’ve chosen denial to their reality; and they’re too weak to face it; and so they’ve left those issues unresolved. Looking at me reminds them of it all. That’s why they project their denial onto me. It’s called transference. It’s a game. They start it. If I react, it means I’m playing too. It gives them the chance to keep denying. Instead if I respond by no reaction, I’m leaving them with no choice but to face it. They have two choice. Dare that. Or crawl deeper in their shell. Either way, I’m not taking them to my honeymoon; so it makes no difference to me.”
Do not underestimate him. For you will. When others are desperate for attention, the clown moves in for the kill. It’s difficult when one doesn’t mind being seen as a tool. Laugh at him, if you wish. But remember, the clown only acts the fool.
You won’t see him coming. You’ll be busy noticing someone else. You’ll be busy denying someone else. You’ll be busy attracting someone else. The clown is a blank space. Your eyes will easily glide over him; never acknowledging his existence. You’ll pride yourself for that arrogance. You’ll dismiss him with no consideration. But mark you, your inattention is his weapon.
They may be wicked; but he is twisted. They may be charming; but he is cunning. He’ll act naughty and they’ll laugh. Fools will never know he has identified all their flaws. He’ll mock them silently by mimicking them openly. His acts will display what he has learned daringly. Are they alarmed? Do they sense the threat? Oh, the man-fools! They always take the bait! He has read them like open book easily! For when it comes to arrogance, they’re same as you. Nobody takes the clown seriously!
Call the guards; the riches have fallen! Call the detectives; what’s precious has been stolen! But no, you’re too late! You laughed and ignored; that’s when you sealed your fate! You think you know life; you laugh at comedy. The clown lives many lives; he’s a walking parody. You’ll find him everywhere but he’s gone. Hah! It’s over for you but for him the game is on. He hides inside you; one place you’ll never peek in. He knows you’re too scared to look within.
“Sure, if you say so.” The simplicity of that statement didn’t pacify the arguer.
“I’ll prove it to you.”
He gathered his students; gave them a task.
“You see that tall wall? I want you to cross it.” The students assessed the wall. It was too tall. One said, “We should fetch a ladder.” Teacher said, “Go fetch one.” The lad said, “Umm, my feet are aching. Please send someone else.” Another said, “We should get a rope.” Teacher said, “Go fetch one.” The lad said, “I… don’t know where to get one.” Everyone had an opinion. Nobody had implementation.
The visiting faculty smiled. He gathered his students. Gave them the same task.
“You see that tall wall? Go cross it.” The lads discussed for a short while; and quickly made a human tower against the wall. With mutual coordination, they crossed the wall.
The visiting faculty smiled at the arguer.
“You see my friend, learning is when you can actually solve problems. Solution isn’t when you have an opinion. Solution is when you can be the solution.”
Life works like a radio. We tune to a particular frequency, we hear the music from that particular station. Our emotional frequency actualizes possibilities. What we think: Future problems validate present anxiety. Truth is: Present anxiety manifests those problems in reality.
No, this isn’t “law of attraction”. This is plain logic. Situations are merely situations. They turn to “problems” when we act as “victims”. Our feelings corrupt our thoughts. Our thoughts narrow our vision; weaken our speech; cripple our actions. We fail to notice opportunities. We act too weak to think outside the box. We develop mental blocks. We act like helpless deer; and the situation sends hyenas. Our weakness excites the predators.
Negativity fills in the blanks. We leave blank spaces by lack of awareness. It’s ignorance when we don’t know our strengths. It’s anxiety when we forget our strengths. Remember, it’s not the situation; it’s you. You may not be enough for the whole situation right from the get-go. But you’re enough to take the first step that’ll build onto itself more pathways. Remember your strengths.
“When we accept what’s new. Absent resistance born out of insecurity. When we accept what’s new is uncomfortable. When we’re comfortable with the discomfort. Comfort zones are never actually comfortable. They provide us with familiar discomforts. Ego is empty when our love for growth outweighs our love for that familiarity. That’s when we quit comfort zones. It’s when we accept we’re imperfect. We accept addition happens only when we recognize its absence in the first place. It takes courage to accept we’re less than our goal. It takes fortitude to love that goal nevertheless. It takes humility to notice our psychological limits; to understand life outweighs intelligence; the unknown outsmarts the known. Questions lead to answers. They turn to wisdom only when we accept truth unconditionally.”
– “What’s most important in life?”
– “There’s no such thing in life.”
– “How can it not be?”
– “Do we need water?”
– “Of course. It keeps us alive.”
– “Can we survive only on water?”
– “No.”
– “Same goes with love, money, knowledge.
We need all of that.
But none of it is complete sustenance.
Lovers provide satisfaction;
but only harsh realities encourage growth.
Money cancels those harsh realities;
but it can’t fulfill minds starving of love.
Knowledge helps us know how to live;
yet it’s useless without means to apply it.”
– “Then what’s least important in life?”
– “There’s no such thing in life.”
– “Why not?”
– “A little wound left unattended in childhood
may lead to gangrene and amputation soon.
But a little drop of medicine offered by
a humble tribesman heals it quick;
a simple help that incepts a sense of caring
that lets us avoid major crises in life later.
Such a wound can’t be ignored;
nor can be the tribesman’s knowledge.
Everything and everyone has applicability.
With its limits.
Significances alter as per times and situations.
A wise person neither over-rates nor under-rates
anything or anyone. Wisdom is in
acceptance of reality absent judgment;
absorption of learning present in it;
and moving on.”
“Same goes with love, money, knowledge. We need all of that. But none of it is complete sustenance. Lovers provide satisfaction; but only harsh realities encourage growth. Money cancels those harsh realities; but it can’t fulfill minds starving of love. Knowledge helps us know how to live; yet it’s useless without means to apply it.”
“Then what’s least important in life?”
“There’s no such thing in life.”
“Why not?”
“A little wound left unattended in childhood may lead to gangrene and amputation soon. But a little drop of medicine offered by a humble tribesman heals it quick; a simple help that incepts a sense of caring that lets us avoid major crises in life later. Such a wound can’t be ignored; nor can be the tribesman’s knowledge. Everything and everyone has applicability. With its limits. Significances alter as per times and situations. A wise person neither over-rates nor under-rates anything or anyone. Wisdom is in acceptance of reality absent judgment; absorption of learning present in it; and moving on.”
I’m who you were last moment. We’re everyone you have ever been, any moment of your life. Your past.
Some of us are winners. You remember us as your ascension. Some of us are failures. You may remember us as your education.
We know, you hate some of us. We failed you at the time. Overcame you with fear and anxiety. Crippled you with confusion and doubts. Defeated you with anger and impulsiveness. Cost you a lot. Cost you loss of opportunities. Cost you embarrassment and humiliation. Cost you loved ones and friends, at times.
We all remember that scared little one who couldn’t handle the school-yard bully. We still hear those silent screams of panic, even today, when you feel attacked, by people, their words, their actions. When you get shocked that someone dared to attack you… When you realize there’re cracks in you; invisible to you but obvious to others… Those silent screams aren’t really about the situation, are they… They’re about your rush to somehow form the correct reply; the same rush that fails that reply.
We all remember the idiot among us. The one with angry words, to the wrong person, at the wrong time and wrong place. Like broken arrows. You realized the mistake a moment too late. We all remember the hurt we saw in those innocent eyes, the kind eyes that were just trying to help you that time. The pained ones none of us ever saw again. The tormented ones forever frozen in memory. The one heart-break that will always be.
But hey. You’re still here. The survivor! The wisest of all of us! More learned than any of us could ever be! And we love you. We all do. You made it this far. It matters. Many others haven’t. We just want you to know one thing. We’re all here. With you. Whenever fear grips you, recall this: It’s not about the weaknesses you remember. It’s about the strengths you forget. Remember your strengths. Remember those of us you loved to be. We’re your heroes. Remember those of us you vowed never to be. We’re your teachers. Make your peace with all of us. Because, my love, we’re all waiting for you to rise. We know you will. We love you.
“To start takes a strong mind. But that’s easy. It’s all for an experience you never had before. Which gives you curiosity and attraction. Also makes you desire for experimentation. To restart after a fail, now, that’s the big one. It takes a strong heart. Not easy, for you already had an experience and it handed you a list of bitter truths. Not easy, when you already know you suck at it. Not easy, when your logic says no.”
“So how does a strong heart beats logic?”
“I learned it in hindsight. I realize now, after each fail, I’d ask myself, Do I still love this shit? And hell yes, I do. Every single time. Ain’t my choice; Nature built me to love it. Success and failure got nothing to do with it. It’s un-freaking-conditional. Then I’d ask, Is it really a heart-break or just a mind-break? A heart-break is when what you love goes away. But this ain’t that, is it? What I love is still right there. Still waiting. Always. Which means, it’s unconditional from its side too. So f*** logic. My mind tells me what it’s seen so far. My heart tells me there’s lot of shit I ain’t seen yet. So I go with heart. I go with love. You see, I’m not just getting up off the floor. I’m tossing myself back into the hug of my love.”
“They say, successful people don’t do different things. They do things differently. But how do we do that? How do we do the same thing differently?”
“You ever spent any time with old analog radios? The kind that come with dials?”
“To tune stations? Yes.”
“How do you zero in on the right station?”
“You pay attention to the music and static. You turn the dial fast when it’s just static. As you hear more music than static, you get nice and slow. you get more precise in your action. You chase that clean feel in the sounds. And you get there.”
“Same goes in life. You don’t have to turn different dials. You turn the one dial you have; differently at different times. Take bodybuilding, for example. Initially, you focus on lifting heavy. You go for explosive movements; telling your body to build the required strength. That’s you turning the dial fast. Once you get better at that weight, you focus on slow, precise repetitions. Chasing that acute feel of muscle fibers tearing; challenging their contraction and expansion; shifting from strength to hypertrophy; telling your body to build muscles than strength. In either case, it’s your action applying progress. First it’s phase-shifting. Then, it’s fine-tuning. That’s how you get the job done. The same dial.”
“Different people. Different goals. Different paths.”
“How to face this loneliness?”
“Befriend the path.”
“How?”
“What’d you do if a friend walks with you?”
“I’d trust the friend to accompany me; all the way to the end.”
“Then trust the path all the way to the end; for the path surely stays with you till then. You’ll see a variety of scenes. You’ll see a variety of seasons. Some will be bright and warm. Some will be misty and cold. But you’ll always have enough vision to know where to place the next foot. And that’s all you’ll ever have to do. Place one foot in front of the other. You had a vision of the goal at the end of the path. So trust the path to take you there. Scenes, seasons, friends change; but not the path. It stays right there. For you. So keep walking.”
Counselor Apoorva 