“Check the measure of validation in appreciation.”
“What’s the difference between the two?”
“Appreciation is note of WHAT you are. Validation is note of WHO you are. Appreciation is for your performance. Validation is for your existence. Remember, your mind must not exist by others’ support. You must exist on your own; with self faith. You must love yourself unconditionally. You must respect and validate who you are. Only then, what you do will be a natural expression. It’ll be pure, true; and hence appreciable. If you exist only by validation from others, you’re a puppet in their hands; your doom is certain.”
“Must be? Why, is it a law that modesty must be linked with orthodoxy?”
“Well, isn’t it most observed to be that way?”
“Maybe; but it can be a personal choice too.”
“Why’d anyone choose this?”
“Why wouldn’t someone?”
“You have such great physique. You should flaunt it.”
“I should? So it’s a demand? Now that surely seems orthodox to me.”
“Haha! Flaunting physique is orthodox?”
“Demanding anything surely is. Let’s check if we’re missing the whole point of modernity here. Which is, ‘no rigid demands’, as I understand. If I want to flaunt it, I will. If I don’t want that, that should be OK too.”
“All I’m saying is, it won’t hurt to be a bit bold.”
“And how do I do that?”
“Show some skin, silly!”
“But people already know I have skin. I’m surely not wrapping clothes over skinless muscles. Besides, what am I being bold against? An action is surely bold when it’s an opposition to an oppression. Nobody has ever oppressed me. I know many others are facing that problem; I understand if they’re doing the exact opposite as reaction; as rebellion. But in a way, even that opposite polarity is decided by oppressors. Sad. I’m bold when I need to. But never with a reaction. Never with mere opposite polarity. Always with a response of my own. It’s a choice. Retaining that is the whole point.”
We may have experienced sex. Doesn’t necessarily mean we know it. It’s just a path. It’s our walk that makes a journey out of it. Do we pay attention? Do we think beyond pleasures? It doesn’t always have to be spiritual; but do we know it can be if we choose? Fine, let’s forget about it; what about safety? Do we choose partners consciously? Do we sense their minds? Or do we just notice their bodies? Do we do it ‘with’ someone? Or do we just do stuff ‘to’ someone? Do we realize that they will leave their imprint onto our systems? Do we question if we want that? What we do, and what we allow to be done, will remain with us, in us, as us, for the rest of our life. Do we choose? Or do we get carried away? Do we realize we’ll never be the same after?
We want stories. We create stories. We live stories.
When he was a child, John’s dad always told him, “Try hard.” Apparently, that’s how one gets success. John’s dad wasn’t wrong. But John never got exactly how to try hard. Was studying entire day ‘trying hard’? Was continuing the game even after both knees were bleeding enough of a hard try? John never knew. So as a kid, he just adopted an idea: try hard, right from the get-go. And never stop. The goal never mattered.
When he joined the army, it wasn’t that he liked the hardship. It was the last thing left. He had already tried hard at mechanical engineering; he had worked at an oil rig at -30 Degree Celsius; he had tried hard and made life miserable for himself, his workmates, his bosses; they had casted him out. And army needed men like him who were willing to destroy themselves; he got a job. Not that he rose through the ranks ever; that required ‘trying smart’. He remained a captain; somehow never enough to be a major. He lived his story to the word: “Try hard”. And of course, the spirit of his story was that it was never enough. No try is ever hard enough.
And of course, Jenny married him. Being a woman, she was supposed to please others – that’s what she had absorbed from her mom. Of course she had singled out John; his ever-so-distressed face was a great appeal to her pre-programmed mind. Needless to say, she denied each one of her needs, desires, ambitions to win her husband’s approval.
Their relationship was funny. He could see the subliminal cues in her; he knew she wasn’t happy; of course he blamed himself for it; he was failing his wife. And the more he tried to work on the marriage, the more she saw his distress, and the more she would – well, the story continues till date.
We love stories. No matter how much we hate who we are in those stories.
“Sure. Only to educate his opponent. Help him fill in the gaps in his points. Enable the stupid bird to fly higher by capitalizing on resisting winds. Inspire him for the next round of the game. Our Ace saw the senselessness of it. In time. I purposefully pitted him against that opponent. I checked if he remembered his worth. He did. Absent his help, the argument fell flat on face. The idiot just managed to prove he was an idiot. A lion doesn’t care about sheep’s opinions. A lion doesn’t argue with sheep either.”
“Sure it is. For us, humans. But not for the universe. For universe, it’s merely one of the elements. It’s unrealistic to assume similarity between human needs and universal reality. As the Hindus say, universe is made of three elements. : Sattwa – integration. Love. : Raja – creation. Desire. : Tama – entropy. Anger, fear, sadness. These three elements will always be there. They provide existence and elasticity to the fabric of space-time. Not a single one is ever allowed to overstep. Not fear. Not desire. Not even love. That’s why, when you’re available for someone too much, they surprise you by misusing your availability. We’re all bound to the universe. So know universal laws, my Child. Accept them. Then you’ll live in peace.”
He was in his workshop with his pals. They were into carpentry. She invited them in for lunch. There was Chinese on the table. Noticing it, he guffawed; and blurted out, “Tom, no need to go out for the glue! My wife has already ordered it!”
Nobody laughed. His daughter said quietly, “She cooked it herself. Spent entire morning in it.” He looked at his wife; she had paused serving. She was clutching the back of her chair tightly; suppressing her anger behind an apologetic smile. He recalled she had asked him to repair that chair one too many times. He recalled she was pregnant. Wait – why was HER smile apologetic? Then he realized, one of his pals was Chinese.
He recalled how many times he hadn’t actually meant to be racist… and how many times he had failed explaining that.
“Look at that board. There’s a picture of a burger on it.”
“I can’t eat a picture of a burger. I need real food.”
“Exactly. Same as your partner who needs actual rectification and improvement from you. Your apologies don’t mean crap without it. They’re same as that picture of burger. Promising; but unreal. Makes it more of an insult to the hungry. Mockery, if they aren’t serving food for real. You’re turning yourself into a joke. Your apologies aren’t a goddamn gift. They’re the bare-minimum. Relationships need more than that. If you want to be valued, be a value.”
“I have a goal. But I’m not confident. I’m afraid I’ll face failure.”
“Have you ever tried it before?”
“No. It’s my first time.”
“Then confidence is irrelevant. Don’t you see? Confidence is a result of experience. It comes later. After when you try. It’s an output; why demand it as an input? It’s a nonsensical mistake by most people. Probably because we’re programmed that way. We fret over success and failure right away. Even before playing and having fun. Do it the other way around. Here’s a thought: Do NOT set goals artificially; but be serious in fooling around with the game. Begin with curiosity; screw confidence. Play with the goal first. Let Nature teach you. Pursue it as a desire; not desperation. Fall down. Be human and laugh about it. Stand up and re-engage. Repeatedly. Love it. Get good at playing. Build your potential. Let the “goal” form in your mind naturally. Let desires organically turn to ambition. Win, as a natural expression of what you’ve become.”
“He’s my brother. My blood. But there’s always been a distance between us. I never understood why.”
“Are you there for him?”
“Of course. He’s my brother.”
“Is that how you’re there for him?”
“As what? His brother? Yes of course.”
“How about as his friend?”
“Huh?”
“Do you see him as an individual? Do you respect that independent existence?”
“I guess no. I always saw him as an extension of me. Guess that was my mistake.”
“Then change. Be a friend. Friendship is an absolute choice. No external pressure turns us into friends. The choice, the desire comes from within. Relations are family only when you’re friends. Blood has nothing to do with it. And of course, the responsibility isn’t solely yours. It takes two to make friends. He has to choose it too. Appreciate the new you. What you can do is to give both of you a chance.”
Take a stick. Draw a line in the sands. Then challenge yourself, “How do I make it small without touching it?” The answer is simple. You take the same stick. Draw a longer line right next to the first one. In relativity, the first line is now small. That’s what life teaches us: relativity. Things aren’t small or big on their own. Everything is relative to something else. Its relevance relies on the comparisons we make.
The past is that first line. Can’t touch it again. Can’t change it now. It carries wounds that may never heal. But future is a line we’re yet to draw. The present is that stick in our hands. We can grow beyond the wounds. We can grow stronger. Wiser. More aware. Healing is really about our focus. Don’t turn the past into an identity. You’re what you’re doing at present. You can be new. It’s a choice.
Before we try to solve a problem, do we allow ourselves to be its student? A problem is a new situation. We’re still the same old. Maybe old solutions don’t apply. It’s useless to fret when they don’t. And it’s disrespectful too. The problem is a teacher. Solving it needs humility. Remember to be a humble student. Observe. Learn. Adapt. Apply.
“Only when beliefs are born of reality first. Your father could birth you only after your grandfather birthed your father first. Your grandfather is analogy for an action. It’s pure curiosity. It’s pure reality. Absent worries about success or failure. It’s when we apply ourselves as we are. And stay honest to results; whatever they are. Then we rectify; again purely out of interest. We turn results into repetitions. We turn victories into knowledge. That’s your father – the absolute belief. Faith. That’s when we love the future. That’s when ambitions step in. Then we apply ourselves with pure faith. Only then there’s you – the reality you seek.”
“Dear, he isn’t a nobody. We are. It takes brains to know brains. We crossed him off as a nobody. What does that say about our brains? He doesn’t waste his talent where it won’t be appreciated. He proves it only where it’ll reward. The smart ones don’t care about fame. They play their own game.”
To exist? Or to experience? To survive? Or to live? To pass days? Or to have a life? To think? Or to act? To feel? Or to express? To observe? Or to participate? To plan? Or to begin? To dream? Or to have goals? To surrender? Or to fight? To walk by? Or to get in?
Self-talk isn’t just any talk. It’s when we need us the most. When it’s time to get real. When others can’t help. They have mere opinions. We need more; we need truth. Knowing that we know the truth. Truth speaks to us, only when we’re real. It takes courage to be that truthful. And once we do, it sets us free.
“Only what your mind has told it so far. It’s not even information. It’s merely perception. You don’t know, until you’ve seen it fully and processed it from all angles. Emotion isn’t information of the whole. Emotion is reaction to parts of it. When you see and process it all, there’ll be no emotion and confusion; you’ll just know your decision. Don’t let emotion stop you from the full view. So long as emotion exists, be a humble observer and keep knowing more.”
“Just live. Just be. Why should that be a question? People will always have perceptions of you. Which they’ll mistake as definitions of you. It simply doesn’t matter. You’re here to play and have fun your way. So just play nice; but play your way. With full acceptance of who and what you are.”
“That… Oh, I get your point. It’s not my goodness; It’s my degree of awareness that decides what happens to me.”
“It’s applicable when you go touch the pan. It’s applicable when the pan comes and touches you. In either case, you can’t possibly be aware of everything. So it’s only natural that you’ll get burned. Accept it as part of life. Just try to be aware however you can. Make sure you apply past lessons at present. That’s all you can do.”
“I’m in a relationship. I hope this one doesn’t end up like last time. Trust is most important for me.”
“How long have you been in this one?”
“Actually, not that long. We’ve met only a few times.”
“Do you know what’s trust?”
“It’s when there’s transparency.”
“That’s later. First, it’s a goal. YOUR goal. It’s what you pursue. Trust is when you check if it can be there.”
“Why is it just MY goal? It must be my partner’s too, right?”
“Sure, but here’s the problem: Do we have the luxury of assuming it’s so? Do you know if your partner respects same values as you? Can you, when you met just a few times? Sure, you heard some sweet words; but did you notice continued sweet actions? Have promises turned into reality yet? Of course not. Hence, we check. Transparency. Across multiple situations. Trust is built over time; so we take that time. And until then, don’t tell yourself it’s a relationship. For until then, it isn’t.”
“So there are conditions, yes? Where did you get this idea? That certain criteria must be fulfilled before you accept yourself?”
“I guess I absorbed that from people only…”
“My friend, people will always apply conditions before they accept you. Can’t blame them; world is an ecosystem. You must be useful in the system or you’re out. But do we have to apply the same to self? Can’t at least self-love be unconditional? Maybe some aspects of you are unacceptable; maybe you need to change; But even in that case, you begin with being friends with yourself first. That’s how people notice you; accept you. That’s how you’re OK not being OK with a few. OK people are OK with only those who’re OK with themselves. Nobody wants a neurotic link in the system. Remember, people’s acceptance of you is merely a side-effect of you accepting you.”
“What’s most important? What should be top priority in life?”
“Why should there be any? When life itself is the priority? Be there for it all. Live full.”
“But how can anyone in today’s era? It’s a dog-race. If you aren’t going at it big, they toss you out.”
“Do they? Really? Then how come that colleague in your workplace who leaves sharp at 5 is still there? And how come your salary is only a little bit more than his? Maybe the bosses notice you’re willing to be a dog; always over-eager to grind yourself out; unlike your colleague who remembers to be human; so they make you run faster by scaring you? If only you remember to treat yourself as human too. Think about it.”
I was good at lying to others. So I thought, ‘Why not to me?’ I found a good lie. Convinced myself it’s the truth. Rejected all my truths to make place for it. And for a while, it was good. In fact, it was great! I had a new master; and I was a great slave! I had a new lover; and I was most submissive! I checked if anyone had called my bluff. No-one; except, life. All those truths I rejected? They attacked me like irked old lovers. My favorite lie was nowhere to be seen. But now I had whole lot of haters. Within me.
“Have you accepted it’s a situation; you’re in it; you’ll have to face some losses; and all of it is only natural? Many times we react with denial. Why me? Why now? What if I can’t manage? Perfectly natural and perfectly useless. Denial suspends the mind; numbs it. We need to accept things; no matter how irrational they are. Only that leads to what we actually need to do: Observe – Analyze – Decide – Act. You can fight, win, grow more than what you are. Or you compromise; save parts of what you are. Either option comes with certain costs. Either option allows coming back stronger later. Best to accept all of that too. But if you remain in denial, only consequence will be total annihilation. Be real. Accept the situation first. Then you’ll know what to do.”
“He’s proven his talent. In our school. Now it’s time to prove it out there in the world. Our certificates merely help him begin; the world decides his survival, growth or end. Growth isn’t about what you have. Growth is about what you offer. The world cares about your talent only when people notice profit in it. Offer it once, it’s business. Offer it every time with same quality, it’s faith. He knows he needs to be more than his talent. He needs to be a promise. A promise of consistency. Dependability. It needs to be inculcated within. He doesn’t just practice being an Ace. He practices being that promise.”
Are you taking it? What if nobody remembers my humanity?
But you will. It’s for you, not others. I can’t take what I do here into future.
Why not? You’ll carry the memory forward. But it’s not much significant.
Does it always need to be? Is it even worth it if it can’t impact my future?
How about we keep corporate BS away for one moment? It may not impact your future; but you get to impact your present. You get to be human at present. And that’s always worth it. It’ll just put a little smile on my face… And maybe on somebody else’s face…
So long as you aren’t losing your integrity; In fact when you can actually be more of you; So long as it’s genuine happiness, have it. I never did this in my past.
Well, that’s a great reason to do it now. But why should I focus just at present moment?
Because that’s all life will ever be. The tiny little present moment.
A situation hits me. I label it “negative”. My first denial: Why is it negative? My second denial: Why am I not strong? Do I realize that both denials are unnecessary? Of course the situation can be negative. No law says it must always be positive. And of course, I can and will be “not strong enough”. At least, not right from the beginning. Sure, problem-solving requires more strength; but how would I grow that strength, if I’m stuck at “I must be strong enough immediately and I hate that I’m not”?
The reason I do that: I want to feel OK all the time. I have accepted that being not-OK is “SO NOT OK”. That’s another false criteria. Sure, a not-OK feel will give me a pause; but do I need to hate it, make it big, larger than reality, and turn it into a handicap? Do I realize I’m choosing that? Do I realize I can choose differently? It’s OK not to be OK for a while, initially. Acceptance paves way to transcendence.
Do you define yourself? Do your speech and action reflect it? Do they concretize the identity you define?
If you do, you know who you are. Then you don’t care if others don’t. Their perceptions of you don’t bother you. You have your own anchor to ground you. And you’re free.
But if you don’t, you never know what you could be. You care too much what others think of you; because except their perceptions, there’s nothing you can hold on to. And then you’re a slave.
“Or maybe they hit just a little; but you FEEL the hit too hard.”
“Yes, that’s actually right. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive to trivial stuff.”
“When the skin is wounded, even a little wind is too hard.”
“Do I have any wounds?”
“We all do; but do we need to carry them with us? Or maybe you’re wounding yourself with unconsciously maintained insecurities. Self-doubts. Low self-esteem. Poor self-image.”
“Why would anyone maintain such stuff?”
“Gives you an identity. Absent a better one, we preserve any identity – even a negative one. You survived with it so far; so maybe, your system thinks it’s necessary for survival.”
“Uh – huh…”
“Or maybe it serves as negative motivation. The discomfort serves as constant reminder: ‘I’m not where I need to be in life.’ That’s fuel for you to crawl closer to your goals. Maybe that’s why you have an unconscious need to get too irritated with people’s words. Your system takes the disturbance as addition to the motivation. People notice subtle hints of insecurity in you; they see a chance at entertainment in it.”
“What do I do about it?”
“Know that in any case it’s a false strategy. Pay attention when you’re slipping into these old scripts. Grow up. Step out of them. Decide to live free of scripts now. And have a check on all of it: Check if those self-doubts are really valid. Check if that right self-image is really right. Check if your goals really match your strengths. Check if you’re respecting the right values. Check if crappy values are blinding you. Check if your take at life is realistic.”
“First check how you look at it right now. It’s not the rejection; it’s your reaction to it that’s important.”
“Why?”
“You’re a stone. Rejection is a chisel. It hits you; your beliefs feel the hit. Check which ones. Maybe you’re better off without some. So welcome the chisel. Maybe you needed some chunks that shattered; but that itself means they were too weak. So, rebuild them in stronger forms. And yes, the hit surely tells you how much you want what you want. If you don’t really feel the hit, it means you don’t want to change. Check if you’re disrespecting the goal. Or maybe you never wanted it that sincerely. If you feel the cut deeply, that’s inspiration. Remould yourself and try again. And if you feel the cut too deeply; perhaps what you want isn’t really for you. It’s all data. Read it right. Accept and act accordingly.”
“It takes two to dupe you. One is your partner. The other is you.”
“How do I dupe myself?”
“Does your new partner excite you?”
“Yes!”
“What do you do when you get excited?”
“Well, I get excited, is what I do, of course! I just… go with the flow, I guess.”
“And that’s how you dupe yourself. Remember, trust is YOUR goal. You don’t know yet if it’s your partner’s goal as well. You have to respect your goal. Prioritize it. Trust is when we check if it’s there. It takes time. Patience. It needs certain checks. Do promises get delivered? Without reminders? Do words turn to actions? Consistently? Do roses and hearts turn to transparency? Do refusals to sex lead to dialogue, not rage? Instead, when you go with the flow, you essentially send them a message. It says: I’m ready to get carried away. You disrespect your goal; no-one will respect it. I’m not saying you should deny the excitation. But don’t let it run ahead of this caution. It’s never worth it.”
Don’t aim at success. Become success. It’s not what you get. It’s what you turn into. Money, relations, health are side-effects. Main goal is self-integration. An integrated self reflects as versatile success.
Check your beliefs. Turn them realistic.
Check thoughts. Let them be constructive.
Check speech. Get out of scripts; speak useful.
Check actions. Quit habits; act consciously.
Check reactions. Respond as per goal. Rearrange your personality this way. Get a structure. Develop a mechanism. Be a system that serves true self-expression. Be consistent in being a composed self. It reflects outside.
“Doesn’t sound like you’re an idiot. A human, maybe.”
“I didn’t see failure coming.”
“Most of us don’t. But now it’s here. Now you can see it perfectly well. It’s data. A glorious opportunity. Question is, are you paying attention now? Are you studying it? Or are you choosing continued ignorance? You’re neither wise nor idiot so far. Your attitude chooses one of that, now.”
Before you’re anybody else’s, Even when you’re somebody else’s, And after they become somebody else’s, You’re yours. Remember that.
Since ages, poets link love with submission. Guess that helps the tragic ends of epics. Do you want to live your life or role-play a drama? Don’t get tricked so easily, dear. Love is beautiful. Love is freedom. Love is when you can be you. And that’s only when you can be yours. Those who truly love you, will respect that. They don’t want submission and slaves; They don’t want dominance and rule. They want you. To be you. Remember that.
People come. People go. Throughout your life, you remain. You’re the one assured to be there with you. If that’s the true you, is up to you. If you want a good life, you need to be you. Good life isn’t the one without pain. It’s the one where you get to acknowledge your pain. Where you get to prioritize healing yourself. You can ask help; but only you can heal you. You need a healer who’s yours. That’s you.
There’s a new trend these days. ‘If you can’t handle my dark side, you don’t deserve my good side.’ Apparently, if you’re my partner, I’m supposed to say that to you; and you’re supposed to see it as your “enlightenment”. (Eh, yeah, that’s love, caring, support, et cetera…) No questions. Just gulp it down; suffer me in silence. Wow.
Just a question… If I truly love you, would I want to dump my dark side on you? Or would I see our love as a precious inspiration to work that part out of me? Sure, I’ll ask your help for it. I wouldn’t hide it; I’ll stay true, I must accept its presence in me. But for god’s sake, I’ll never – ever – want you to suffer me. Yes, it’s natural that I’ll slip once in a while; but isn’t it my responsibility to try avoiding that? Or should I conveniently normalize it and arrogantly scream at you to “suck it up”? What are you, to me? My love? Or a punch-bag?
Some of us want love. Some of us think they want love. What they actually want is a facility.
Love is when we say, ‘I want my partner to be there for me.’ A facility is when we say, ‘My partner should know how to handle me.’ Yes, there’s a difference. A gigantic one.
In the first case, we know we need to work on ourselves. We accept the responsibility fully. And we want our partners to fight alongside us. Appreciating their presence and not misusing it. Being sincere and respectful to each other. Because that’s love, caring, support.
In the second case, we still know we need to work on ourselves; we’re too chicken to accept the responsibility. It’s easier to normalize dark sides! It’s even easier to pamper them as self-identities!! And (voilà!) it’s effortless to dump our flaws on partners; so that’s what we do, screaming, ‘That’s love, caring, support!!!’
Love is when we SHARE problems with partners. Facility is when we DUMP problems on partners. Love is when two adults work together. Facility is when a narcissistic man-child or a woman-child is really smart at setting guilt-traps for others. So that he or she can remain immature forever.
– “What is consistency? Is it just waking up on time, doing what you do every day, avoiding distractions and going to bed on time?” – “That’s just external consistency. It should be a reflection of internal consistency. If it’s just a role you play, you’re fooling yourself.” – “What’s internal consistency?” – “Ever noticed how a lion hunts its prey? It stays true to being a lion throughout the hunt. The spotting. The initial slow walk. Observing the terrain. Opportunities and threats. Knowing escape-routes the prey might use. The orientation for the hunt. The sudden burst into a sprint. The laser-focused chase. The leap. The grip. The bite. Avoiding the rush to enjoy the success right there. Dragging it away, safe from opportunistic hyenas. Establishing a complete, absolute victory. Never once does it slip into the role of a horse, or a bull, or a duck. The very quality of each move is ‘brand lion’. As if being a lion is an operating system; and each function is specifically formulated by it. The lion knows he’s a winner; he exercises it each single step. That’s internal consistency. Staying true to being a winner. How you think. Speak. Act. React. How you respond to troubles, taunts, insults. And failures. How you carry yourself in simple daily activities as well as when you’re ruling the ramp-walk. And yes, how you handle the success. To be a lion, you be a lion. That’s consistency.”
– “Sometimes I feel ignorance is bliss.” – “Try it. See if you feel the bliss.” – “I actually do. It’s possible.” – “Of course you do. It’s 21st century. Profiteers have developed an entire system to keep you engaged in distractions, and to keep you disengaged from reality.” – “But it’s all free. We aren’t paying any money for it. And we’re happy. What’s wrong with being happy?” – “You tell me. You felt the need to have this conversation. Why?” – “Because… there are cracks in the bliss… Reality tries to seep in through those cracks; and it’s horrible. It’s disturbing. I immerse deeper and deeper into the bliss; trying to block out the reality.” – “Except you can’t. They know you can’t. So you’re forever engaged in resisting reality. You deploy all your energy into it. You’re always mindful about being mindless. And that’s what makes it the costliest luxury. They don’t give you an escape from reality. They just give your escapist drive an engagement. Like giving a chew-toy to a dog. They give you a stick to hang from. You can’t do anything else when you’re hanging from it. You pay with your engagement, your time; you forfeit your chances at growth. That’s the real cost you pay. You leave all growth-opportunities available to them without competition. That’s the real profit they get.”
– “You got what you wanted.” – “Did I?” – “Sure looks like it.” – “If you say so.” – “How did you do it?” – “When I know, I’ll let you know.” – “You don’t talk much.” – “Do I need to?” – “People should know you.” – “Why?” – “How can you get anywhere without people?” – “What do people get me?” – “You need to know who’s who.” – “I know that easily.” – “How would you?” – “Look at you, for example. You’ve been talking with me for quite a while. You still don’t know anything about me. But I know something about you. You think your success depends on others. Doesn’t matter if it’s true or false. What matters is you believe it. If I want you to be a cog in my machinery, I just know where to fit you.” – “You’re dangerous.” – “I don’t know. I’m just observant.”
“Use it to know you. It’s a choice. Is it reason for celebration or education? Is it an obstacle or a step-up? Know why it happened. What part of you made it possible to manifest. Which strength, or which weakness. Which thoughtfulness, or which mindlessness. Which precaution, or which inaction. It may be positive or negative; it always contains data useful to you. Situation is a mirror; it reflects you. Read it to know you. You need it for your growth.”
– “What’s the meaning of my life?” – “What do you want it to mean?” – “Is it my choice?” – “Can you choose your next action?” – “Sure I can; but what about when life has already shown me its action?” – “Can you not choose a reaction?” – “Sure I can; but where’s the meaning of life in it?” – “It’s in all your reactions and responses. Any moment, life gives you a situation. It comes with no meaning. It’s up to you what meaning you draw out of it. It’s up to you what meaning you shape out of it. It’s up to you where you wish to go from then on. Meaning of life is in the self-identity you choose. You can deal with the cards you’re dealt with. You can complain about it. Or you make a house of cards out of it. Your call.”
“My original nature” There’s no such thing. There’s no fixed “you”. You think something like that is there, – when you want to speak but don’t; – when you speak too much; – when you try hard to please people; – when you fear talking with the opposite gender; – when you join a gym and stop going next day; – when you’re too anxious about stupid stuff; – and too careless about important stuff. This is all just stuff you’ve practiced a lot. Practice has set its patterns in your neurochemistry. Practice differently, and it can all be unlearned. Sure you’ll fail initially; but are you a success now? So don’t fear failure. Embrace change shamelessly. Something else to practice, anticipating and accepting initial failure.
A problem is a label we paste on a situation. It’s a “problem”, for we haven’t understood it yet. Not fully. We choose to fear that. We think it’s a great disturbance to our tranquility. Our first reaction is denial: annoyance, blame-games, escapism. Our next reaction is a more spectacular failure: We rush to find solutions – – not out of a genuine will to solve the problem. We just want to fix things quickly; get it over with. We fail to realize that’s what blocks answers. Let’s first accept there’s a problem and it’s natural. Let’s first accept we lack data and it’s natural too. We’re only human. It’s OK that we don’t know things right away. Let’s first focus on understanding the situation. Let’s get data where we lack it. Solution needs personal evolution first. Let’s see it as an opportunity for personal growth. That’s when obstacles become level-ups.
A wolf was the dictator for a flock of sheep. He’d protect the sheep, but with a condition. One sheep must be sacrificed per day for him. The sheep didn’t rebel. But they hired an ox to get a solution. The ox said, ‘There are so many of you. Why don’t you attack the wolf all together?’ The sheep went to the wolf and said, ‘There’s an ox here who preaches violence.’ The wolf killed the ox. The sheep went back to grazing.
A couple of ravens saw all that. One said, ‘What the hell did I just see?’ The other said, ‘A script of survival.’
‘What survival? They just sabotaged it.’
‘My friend, survival is never about saving life. Survival is always about saving an identity.’
‘What identity? They’re victims here.’
‘That label is a useful cover to hide their laziness. Which is what the sheep love the most. Beyond their lives. An uncomfortable truth. To hide which they need a “problem”. A wolf takes care of that. When you’re a “victim” of a problem, you don’t have to take accountability for growth. You can justify your inaction and get to remain lazy. That’s the whole point of this game. They let a wolf come in the picture to start the game. They hired the ox and got it killed to fortify the game. Got it now?’
The first raven thought about it.
‘So we should never help the victims?’
‘Sure we should. Real victims surely do exist. But check the authenticity of victimhood first. If you’re the ox, it’ll save you big trouble.’
Emotion has a natural flow to it. It comes. It goes. No emotion takes a halt on its own. It’s us.
Anger comes and goes. We hold on to it and it becomes hatred. Fear comes and goes. We hold on to it and it becomes insecurity. Loss comes and goes. We hold on to it and it becomes grief. Guilt comes and goes. We hold on to it and it becomes remorse.
The tool we use to hold on to the emotion is denial. Refusal of acceptance of reality.
Relief is in acceptance. Only acceptance paves way to transcendence. Accept things fully. Yes, they are what they are. Yes, they did what they did to us. Yes, it happened only because it could. Yes, it was always possible. Yes, it’s all data; and reading into it educates us about how to beat it.
“Guru, my past still haunts me,” said the man; “What should I do to make my past let go of me?” The Teacher smiled nicely. He said, “Look left.” The man looked left. “Now look right.” The man looked right. “Now look at me.” The man looked at the Teacher. The Teacher game him a tight slap. “What the hell is wrong with you?” the man screamed. “I came to you for help. I was told you’re a great healer. And this is how you treat me?” The Teacher said, “Oh, did I hurt you? I thought I was shooing the ghost away.” The man screamed, “What ghost?” The Teacher said, “You just said your past haunts you. So the past is the ghost. Logic dictates it’s the past that should’ve felt the slap. Not you.” The man stared at the Teacher in shock. “How can the past feel the slap? Only I will.” The Teacher began laughing. He tapped the man’s forehead and said, “Oh, so you’re still in charge here? It proves the past isn’t the ghost haunting you. You’re the ghost haunting the past. The past isn’t holding on to you. You’re the one holding on to the past. So let go, silly!” The man was silent for a few seconds. Then he said, “But how can I?” The teacher slapped him again. “What the -” “Tell me, are you thinking about the past right now?” “No, you imbecile! My cheek is burning. I’m thinking about that.” “Good! So when you have challenges at present, you don’t waste time thinking about past, do you?” “Umm…” “So that’s the key. Engage in new actions at present. If you don’t have any, begin one. NOW.”
“Of course you did. Unlike you, I didn’t underestimate the opponent.”
“You knew I was trouble.”
“I also knew why. No, it wasn’t your strength. It was my weakness. It was time to upgrade myself. The teacher was right there. No, my eyes didn’t blink.”
“I thought it was shock. You were too silent.”
“And observant. You were a great teacher. Your pride made you display all of what you got.”
“What now?”
“Don’t worry. You won’t feel what happens next. What I do next, I learned from no-one. I’m natural at it.”
“Wow! I broke up! It’s great. Someone nicer must be on the way…”
Is that positivity? Or, “I broke up. It’s OK. Maybe I have flaws. Maybe my ex had flaws. Let’s check what went wrong. Let’s rectify. Let’s be compatible for something nicer.”
That’s positivity?
“I got fired? Well, so what? I hated that job nay way… Just chill! Think positive! Everything will be alright.”
Is that positivity? Or, “I lost my job. It’s a blow and I accept it. Maybe I need better skills and communication. Maybe I need to reach out to people who can see my worth. Fine. Let’s see this as an opportunity for introspection. Let’s level up and get back into the game.”
That’s positivity?
“I’m diagnosed with diabetes. Great! I’ll quit on sugars as I always wanted; let’s grab those spices now!”
Is that positivity? Or, “I have diabetes. I know, it’s bad. But I guess it’s the trouble I was always calling. Fine. Now that it’s here, I have no excuse left. That’s great. I hit rock bottom; I’ll only go up now. Now I’ll be the person I needed to be. Let’s contact that nutritionist; Let’s contact the trainer. Time to get real.”
You asked for me. You wanted my help. We agreed upon a goal. Sure, I won’t force my ideas on to you. This is your war; I’m just a fellow soldier in it. I won’t drag you with me to my notion of victory. I won’t be a medicine worse than the disease. But let’s establish a fact. War is war. No; we can’t customize it to your comfort levels. Victory has its own needs. It asks us to level up. There’s a reason you’re in this hell; you can’t deny you need to grow up. No we can’t afford lethargy. If you hate my speed, hate away. Here’s reality: nobody won a war by being slow. Races between rabbits and tortoises, maybe. But not every opponent is a rabbit. Some are jackals and hyenas; they don’t take naps. And neither will we. Don’t waste my time. I’m in it wholeheartedly; but that makes sense only when you’re in it first, all in, punches and kicks, teeth and nails. We go in, we do what must be done, we get out. We. Don’t. Stop.
– “How can I love myself? I have made mistakes. I’m a failure.” – “Do you want that to be your identity? Or do you wish to rectify yourself?” – “I want to be better.” – “Then go ahead and love yourself. Nobody is stopping you; except you.” – “But how can I, when I loathe myself?” – “Yeah, I get it; you’re pretty useless right now. So stop concretizing that identity further by denying yourself love, silly. Sure, you have a bad past; but future is blank. What can happen ahead, hasn’t happened yet. So it deserves no judgment and no hatred. Understand a fact. Love is the seed of creation. There are no pre-requisites for it. People ask what was there before Big-Bang. Well, the wish to have a big freaking bang; what else? There was nothing before that; same as you. But that’s what inspired creation, idiots… God didn’t say ‘Oh crap, there’s nothing.’ God said, ‘Oh wow, let’s have something.’ That’s love. It stands on its own. It’s not the outcome of growth. It’s the input for growth. It’s how construction begins. It’s how everything begins. It’s the zero before one. It’s the origin. It’s unconditional. Stop fooling yourself by making it conditional. That’s the greatest mistake nobody can afford. Get real.”
“Emotion doesn’t. Feelings do. You try to fill the gap in understanding with your imagination. Thoughts turn emotion into feelings. They confuse you. Here’s a tip: Never mistake thoughts for reality of things. They’re just reality of your approach to things. Unlearn taking thoughts seriously. That’s hard. But useful. Don’t stop. Keep exploring.”
“And at the end of understanding?”
“No feelings. Just acceptance. That’s when you’re at peace.”
“Life is. Always has been. Survival needs us to unite. Unity asks for usability. If you’re useful, people love you. If you aren’t, you’re just a tag-along. People hate that. Can’t blame them; it’s sensible. Evolution coded that in our genes.”
“So what should I do to get people to like me?”
“If that’s your goal, you’ll never reach it.”
“Why not?”
“People notice the desperation. Most hate it. Some use it. Nobody likes it.”
“So what should I do?”
“Focus on liking yourself first. Which you won’t; not right away; because you’re useless to yourself too. You can call it depression; or you can see fuel in the frustration; and get in action. Your choice. No-one’s stopping you either way. Earn self-respect; people will respect you too. Now they’ll sense good possibilities in you. Yes, people’s love is a side-effect of self-love. Be clear about it.”
“But what if some people still won’t like me?”
“Some of them don’t even like God. Who do you think you are? God’s daddy? Get real. Of course some still won’t like you. No matter how sweet you are. They like chilies; the hell can you do? Nothing. Just accept it; it’s part of life. You weren’t put on this planet to please others. It’s OK not to be OK with some people. Won’t kill you. So quit stupid ideas. Eat the cake; leave the plate. Get real.”
Emotion is a river. Never build a dam in it. Never restrain it. If we do, then same as water level rising behind the dam, emotion adds up as stress behind the wall.
How to manage emotion? Answer: With humility. Meaning?
Emotion is a message from Mother Nature. As her children, let’s accept it without denial. In case of anger, feel it. It’s OK. In case of fear, feel it. It’s OK. In case of desire, feel it. It’s OK. An organism is a conduit for emotion. Let’s be humble to that fact. First and foremost, let the emotion pass in and out of us. No, it never stays; unless we resist it. If we resist, its residue will rise up in no time. Only option is to collapse that dam. Let it flow fully.
And once we let it pass completely, in its wake, we find pearls of wisdom. We notice our beliefs that got hit. They were hidden in the unconscious; the waters dragged them out in the open. That’s the true goal of emotion. To learn about ourselves. To check beliefs against facts. And make necessary changes. To grow up.
And when we grow up, there’s no need for emotional bursts. Because now, we have nothing but understanding; and acceptance of truth. That’s when we’re free.
“If you can observe it, why do you question your reality?”
“How do I know it isn’t my imagination?”
“Is observation different than imagination?”
“Observation is when I notice a creation. Imagination is when I’m the cause of creation.”
“How do you ever notice a creation without being its creator?”
“I can observe that tree over there. It’s a creation. I didn’t create it.”
“My friend, that tree is just energy. It’s no different than that car; that cloud; the sun. Light hits your retinas. Information comes in. Your brain remodels it to suit your senses. That model is labeled a tree. Of course, you’re its creator. For you.”
“So… what I observe is what I imagine…?”
“Or what you imagine is what you observe.”
“I observe a tree while I create it in my head?”
“Or you create it in your head; and that’s why you notice it out there too.”
“Which one is true?”
“Both simultaneously. Think not in linear terms. Causes don’t precede effects. Cause and effect exists at the same time. That’s why they don’t differ to each other. Imagination and observation are simultaneous. When you’re in thought, your eyes dart to things. Absentmindedly. But of course, it’s a choice made by your unconscious. Your mind realizes its imagination is inadequate. So it tries to connect with outside observations. Increasing information intake. Hoping to trigger new imaginations out of it. To inspire new constructs to finish the thought. Everything is consciousness. Everything is energy and information. Life is when that information flows. So yes. This is ‘real’. You’re imagining it.”
Yes, two and two equals four. But when? Only when both the twos are in sync. Check: Are they? They may be together; but are they in sync? Or do you want them so bad to be four, that you’re assuming that linkage?
Four planets are surely enough to make a solar system; but are they revolving around the same star? Mini has a history of winning validation by agreeing to sex. And Mono has a history of manipulating women into sex. And they were together in the same room that night. Doesn’t mean something must have happened. You were not there in that room. Probability isn’t proof for actuality.
Don’t fall prey to the demands of your own beliefs. Beliefs care about their survival, not your growth.
When you know nothing, you don’t know you know nothing. That’s blissful present with cursed future. You’re falling and you don’t know it.
When you begin to know, you know that you need to know more. That’s painful present with blissful future. You’re climbing a laborious slant for a glorious summit.
Knowledge is power; but not right away. Knowledge begins as pain. You see destinations absent paths. Like mysterious stars shining in dark. You seek paths out there and you find none. Most burn out and give up the search. Only the most persistent seekers search within. And realize that you don’t seek knowledge at all. You unlock it. It’s not a room you build. The room is already built; you have a mind, don’t you? Knowledge is when you open its windows. And let fresh air come in. That’s when you’re free of pain.
“I read a self-help book. It told me to push my limits. I did. I burned out and collapsed. I don’t understand anything anymore. If I stay inside my limits, there’s no growth. If I push my limits, I can’t even walk. What do I do?”
“When you were a baby, did you directly try running? Or did you try sitting first? Then standing up? Then standing up without support? Then you figured out walking, yes? Then you attempted running. At each one of those milestones, you did NOT push your limits – – at least, not right there at the beginning. First, you pushed yourself TO the limit. Then you repeated reaching it. You focused on getting good at it. You let the exercise build you. You turned max limit into your new average. You cancelled the reason to call it a limit. Only then, you pushed that limit forward. That too, only a few steps at a time. Something manageable. Controllable. Real. Apply the same everywhere. Work. Fitness. Investments. Get good at cooking first. Then you host a feast.”
You’re just another face in the crowd. Then, they notice you.
You refuse to conform to the crowd. Then, they pay attention.
You’re doing things differently. Then, they laugh at you.
You’re standing out; you must be suppressed. Then, they oppose you.
You’re getting results their system never got. Then, they smile smugly.
You aren’t reacting; they think you fear them. Them they’re dumbstruck.
You’re responding by actions; not words. Then, they trash-talk about you.
You’re becoming a sun; worms hate its heat. Then, they’re speechless.
You came; you won; you left.
Turns out they simply never mattered to you. But now they realize you matter a lot to them. Turns out what they always wanted was to be you. And now they realize they can never be you.
After all their ridicule and mockery and hatred, they’re left with a longing for being you. The fox would’ve preferred to say the grapes were sour; but now it can’t even say that.
“Of course you don’t. Problem is, you’re stuck at not knowing. You hate that what you know isn’t enough. It’s what you offer to the situation. Denial. It’s how you block the flow of information. You have understood you need to know new; but you haven’t accepted it calmly. Your frustration is born out of arrogance. You’re only a human; not knowing it all is your natural state. First, be humble. Surrender to knowing new. Remove that blockage; let data come in. A problem is the difference between the known and what needs to be known. It’s a teacher that teaches you humility. Knowledge flows to those who’re open to it.”
Classical physics says reality is linear. So does conscious mind. First cause; then effect. “Bad things happened; hence I’m hurt.”
Quantum physics says reality is cyclic. So does unconscious mind. Cause and effect exist simultaneously. “I could get hurt; so I got hurt.”
I was anxious about getting bullied; hence I got bullied.
I was sensitive about it; so I got insulted.
I was careless about it; that’s exactly where luck hit me hard.
No, this isn’t a justification for “blame the victim” theme. Reality has its fabric. There’re well-linked threads; leaving no pockets of emptiness. That’s order and creation. And then there’re not-so-well-linked threads; leaving gaps in between them. That’s chaos and destruction. All misery in human life originates from mismanagement in threads of thoughts, speech, action, reaction. What happens to us is an indication of where we’re composed and where we aren’t. Betterment is in reading the signs and consciously making changes.
“Why would they? Sure; some will use your opinions to entertain themselves with love, anger, hate and rejection. But that’s it.”
“Won’t my opinions shape the world?”
“Your opinions are merely words. They’ll be heard, interpreted, misinterpreted. Remodeled into convenient constructs by those who want to attribute their actions to loving or hating you. History is ripe with messiahs and villains whose characters have been hijacked by their lovers and haters alike to legitimize their own choices. In the end, people shape themselves; they’ll just credit it to or blame it on your opinions.”
“Then who shapes the world?”
“Nobody, in particular. Which means we all do. People shape themselves; and the world is a blind result of their cumulative actions.”
“Then why do we say we can change things?”
“The result doesn’t have to be blind. If we’re conscious in our actions. For our fans and haters won’t be; but we can. Actions are concrete and they leave their mark. Sure they can still be misinterpreted; same as our opinions. But actions reset parameters of reality and they affect everyone beyond the interpretations. Words may inspire; but actions concretize. That’s why, leaders lead by action. With anticipation of misinterpretation. And without fear of it.”
“I loved my goal unconditionally. Wins and fails were conditions; they never mattered. I accepted I was ordinary. Quick wins were for the special; they never mattered. I always wanted to learn what I love. I aimed for education, not a win; so no fail mattered. And since I was learning, I wanted to use it next time; which surely mattered. I kept failing a bit better each time; until I won. That’s how an ordinary person wins. With love. And shameless persistence.”
– “Can we be friends?” – “Can you handle disagreements?” – “I will disagree with you sometimes.” – “Of course you will. Question is, can you handle that difference?” – “How do YOU handle it?” – “By investing time to check if it’s necessary to see it as an attack, or violation, before I react. And staying true to the conclusion. If you maintain the same mindfulness, yes we can be friends.”
– “I can’t manage my emotions. What to do?” – “What’s the expected result?” – “I want peace.” – “Sure; but what should happen to the emotions?” – “I want them to go away.” – “That’s why you can’t manage your emotions. You’re focused on denying them. You fail to provide audience.” – “No! They hit me every day! How can you say I fail to provide audience?” – “They hit you; and you offer rejection. You’re angry about the anger. You’re sad about the sadness. You’re anxious of the anxiety. You listen to them halfway; then you resist. You leave them unheard; disappointed. My friend, they’re there for a reason. Yes they make you uncomfortable; as they should. It’s nature’s way to make us pay attention. Most people fail to learn that in life. Most people choose one of two polarities. They hide the emotion; or they overdramatize it. Have you ever dared to feel it fully instead? No hiding; no drama either; let it be true; and let it pass through you, in and out. Don’t mess it up with rush of reaction. Feel its course. Note the beliefs that get hit on the way; the thoughts that play out; the urges to react. You’ll find you’re empty in its wake; You’ll find you have fully accepted the situation; and that’s your power to deal with that situation. That’s when you’re authentic; true to the facts of the situation; true to self. That’s when you’re able; and the emotion is over; for it served its purpose.”
– “Positive thinking fails me. They say entire universe is a consciousness. Its language is vibration; its word is thought. But no matter how loud I speak, I don’t get crap.” – “Do you feel positively too?” – “No.” – “That’s why. Sure, a thought has its vibration. But emotion has better vibration. To connect with what you want, thought alone isn’t sufficient. You need to feel it too.” – “How do I do that? Forcefully thinking positive feels silly at a point. I’m faking it and I know it. Then how can I make myself feel positively?” – “Then don’t fake. Do it the real way. You won’t feel positive magically; you have no reason. But you do feel negative; you have many reasons. That makes it very real. Most of your pain comes from resisting it. STOP denying it. STOP fighting it. Face it. Accept it. It’s nature. Surrender to it. Feel it fully. Let it finish its course. Let it pass through you completely. That’s how nature prepares you. In its wake, there lies love for what you want. Its pure gold, after it’s been through the fire. That’s the language in which you’ll speak now. Absent any denial of feeling and self, now it’s the love that inspires your action. Now there’s inspiration, space for imagination. Now that action is steady, absent anxiety. Now you’re pure. Now you’re eligible to have what you want.”
What is a reaction from us? Consciously, it’s acknowledgement of what we see. Unconsciously, it’s establishment of what we want to be. A reaction is a decision of a role, an identity we believe we need, to survive. A reaction leads to consequences; they bring that role to the stage.
Let’s be a winner here.
Let’s be a victim as always.
Let’s start something we can’t finish. As always.
Let’s be childish / stupid / smart / an onlooker.
Consciously, we aren’t aware of those consequences. But unconsciously, we calculate ten moves ahead. What we end up experiencing in the end is what we unconsciously wanted to be. Check what it mostly is, for you. That’s you. If you don’t like what you mostly are, stop reacting with your by-default reactions. Choose what you want to be; let that person decide your replies. Don’t react. Respond.
– “Can I have a simple life?” – “How do you define simplicity?” – “I don’t want mental stress.” – “Then get facts; don’t fantasize. Stay true to facts; don’t overthink.” – “And I want uncomplicated relations.” – “Then talk real; don’t preach. Stay where you’re valued; don’t beg for it.” – “And I want good income without burnout.” – “Then get realistic goals; go gradually. Walk; don’t run.” – “And yes, I want good health.” – “Eat what you like; don’t overeat. Workout moderately; digest what you eat.” – “Yes, it’s all simple. If we keep it simple.” – “Have self-respect; not pride. Love what you have; never obsess. Accept what happens; never deny. Begin what you want; never delay. If things go south, change or leave.”
“How did you trap that lamb?” The other jackal said,
“It was simple! I just said, ‘I like you’.”
“That’s it?”
“Of course! You see, there’s a reason a lamb is a lamb. For a lamb, a relation isn’t a desire. It’s a need.”
“Everyone needs love.”
“No, not the lamb. It wants validation more than love. It doesn’t have integrity of its own. Its self-respect doesn’t stand on its own. There’re pockets of doubts and self-pity all over. You show it a possibility of a relationship; it grabs on to it immediately. It thinks that’ll fill up the gaps. Beats filling those gaps with its own constructiveness. It wants a quick fix.”
“And we’re jackals. We feast on those who wish a quick fix.”
Anger is when they react BADLY to your goodness. Disappointment is when they’re INDIFFERENT to your goodness. Anger is great information. It’s when you know you must get out, NOW. Disappointment is bad information. You FAIL to get the hint. You don’t get out in time. You let them disappoint you further. You let it eat you alive, part by part, each day. Until one day you realize you’ve lost so much. Disappointment kills a relation, in worse ways than anger.
Your good qualities are precious. Relationship is the space to get acknowledgement and appreciation for that. You want someone who’s able to recognize you have those qualities in the fist place. Someone who openly says they’re precious; because they can sense the value. That’s the one you can connect with. If they fail you there, at the beginning itself, respect yourself and part ways right there. Save yourself great pains later.
– “Teacher, you’re so wise.” – “If you say so.” – “You must have walked long in life.” – “I have no idea how long I walked.” – “Look at you. So wise; yet so humble.” – “Not at all. I’m just being real.” – “How’d you not know how long you walked?” – “Distance is relative. I don’t know how long is long enough. Doesn’t matter anyway; for nothing is ever enough. I don’t waste time with relativities. But I know something concrete. I know how firmly I planted each foot. How mindfully. And how mindlessly. The distance may or may not have fulfilled me; but the attentiveness to each step surely did. It’s not the milestones that taught me anything. It’s when I missed my steps and slipped and fell that I learned a lot.”
– “I’m frustrated. Why do I meet similar people? Why do I experience same situations?” – “Pockets of vacuum get filled up. Ignorance. Impatience. Impulsiveness. Rush of saying yes to unverified relations. Inability of saying no to unwanted situations. Disintegrated personality. The players notice it. They see an opportunity; they grab it. You realize it. You reject them. You cry rivers over what happened. But you don’t process why it happened. You don’t learn. You don’t evolve. The pocket is left with the same vacuum. Pain is here to teach. But there’s no teacher without a student. There’s no learning without attention. And there’s no relief without evolution. If you want no pain, learn from it.”
“Chose? I scripted one for myself. The drama begins with a con. Fools you into thinking there’re only a finite number of roles. That’s why most people stick to given roles. Or copy somebody else’s role. And fail. Growth is when you realize there’s no script-writer and no plot. There are no limits to this stage. Nobody is controlling you. Except you. Roles? Please! You don’t have to pick one. You can always script one. How? Be mindful of your replies to life. Each little reply to each little thing that hits you. Each little reply is the next word in the script. Your script.”
Can’t choose what people say. But we can react to it differently. For the conversation isn’t in how it begins. It’s in how it develops.
Can’t choose what we see. But we can look at it differently. For an incidence isn’t in what happens. It’s in what we make of it.
Can’t choose what they write, show, tell. But we can select what to read, watch, listen. For knowing isn’t in what reaches us. It’s in what we reach out to.
Can’t choose a different past. But we can choose a different future. Fir future isn’t decided by our past. It’s decided by our present.
If partner is choosing not to be there; If boss is choosing not to be a leader; If people are choosing not to be humans; Then yes. We can choose differently.
If you hit an obstacle, If you can’t see beyond it, It you can’t break through it, If you can’t bring it down, Look up.
Because it’s not an obstacle. It’s a step.
Sure, it’s a tall step. Sure, you’ll have to stretch your hands up; apply some extra effort to pull yourself up. Or maybe, you’ll have to cut little crevices in its walls as handholds and footholds to climb up.
But all of it is possible. You just have to accept the fact that there are no limits; there are just level-ups. And they don’t come with readymade stairs. We have to make our own staircase.
They were never in love. At least, not with each other. They were in love with the idea of relationship. That’s why they rushed into it. Then it was never about being together. It was always a lid on the anxiety of being single. That’s why they had a ton of drama. They were people. They saw each other as facilities. To be consumed, not built. That’s why there were guilt-traps. And whole lot of being taken for granted. And petty revenges, sure. A lot of those. Of course, the breakup was spectacular! Of course, the aim was never to find love – – although both thought it was. No, it was about recharging a convenient belief: “I’m so special that being with me isn’t for the ordinary.” An escape from accepting the harsh reality: “I’m not mentally adult enough for a relationship.” The search for the magical extra-ordinary is still on.
“I feel so silly I didn’t see that coming. I expected better from them…”
“No, not them. You didn’t know them. You never did. You had a few encounters with them. You did what all humans do: You reshaped their reality in your mind. You noticed few aspects; You inferred something different out of it; You discounted the rest. You made a model of them in your mind. Your expectations were from that model. Of course, their actions surprise you; For their reality differs to your model. And of course, it’s not surprising; For it was always going to. Life always reveals its truths to us. Wisdom isn’t in demanding that you should’ve known. You’re only human. Wisdom is in accepting the element of surprise. For yes, at least a little bit of it is always there. Sure, you could’ve known a bit better. If you were more patient and observant. Don’t fret over why you weren’t. Just remember to be so next time. Accepting that you can know people only a bit more, not fully.”
What we do once is an event. What we do every day is a lifestyle. Both are choices. Habit turns liquid possibility into solid actuality. Habits of thought decide how our days begin. Habits of speech decide the fate of relations. Habits of action decide if journeys will finish. Habits of transaction decide if bank balance turns to mental peace. Food habits decide if we agree to life. Workout routines decide if life agrees with us. We complain about wrong personal nature. We forget that we chose it. Personal nature isn’t concrete. It’s just habit. What we choose frequently tunes us to its frequency. Living is in choosing habits consciously. We win when a conscious positive choice becomes an unconscious nature.
There’s a slope in front of you. Your goal is at its top. Slopes offer ascents; threaten with descents too. If you try climbing this one as it is, chance is you’ll slip and you’ll fall all the way down. So carve stairs out of it. One at a time. Turn that goal into a set of little objectives. Little tasks; one at a time. Give yourself something to step on. To stand on. To take a little rest, if necessary. To ensure a safe fall-back; if required. To cancel the fear of steeper portions of the slope. Build the staircase consistently. Grow gradually. Success is turning a slope into a staircase. Be mindful of the progress part of success.
There’s a reason babies are the coolest people. They don’t confuse themselves with beliefs. They have no ability to run. Or walk. Or even standing up. But it doesn’t stop them from trying to crawl. For they know something simple yet profound. You don’t achieve success. You become success. Strength isn’t a prerequisite for success. On the contrary, adding that strength is the whole point of success.
Success is gradually turning yourself into it. It’s not like you need to be strong enough right from the get-go. Of course you can’t be and you won’t be. So yeah, all your self-doubts? Sure, they’re ALL valid! Babies know it. “So what?” they say. “Just accept your weakness as the fact it is and get moving.” It’s so liberating when you begin your journey with total acceptance of how weak you are, how natural it is, and being totally OK with it. It keeps you real. It lets you build yourself one step at a time, without any stupid demands of victory and perfection right from the get go. We’ll fine-tune the process later. First, you just get moving.
A heap of bricks. Cement. And water. There’s no strength in any of it alone. Arrange all of it in a logical order, and the same turns to a concrete wall.
Thoughts. Words. And actions. There’s no strength in any of it alone. Arrange all of it in a goal-oriented direction, and the same turns to a strong life.
Strength is in order, structure, composure. Without order, sound turns to noise. With order, sound turns to music. To create music in life, get a routine.
Thoughts aren’t managed with thoughts. Thoughts are managed with actions; for it’s the results of actions that tune thoughts. Action isn’t managed with action. Action is managed with self-dialogue; for it’s the words that guide effort. Speech isn’t managed with speech. Speech is managed with thoughts; for it’s the mindfulness that decides speech.
Yes, it’s a cycle. You see, that’s order. Things work each other. That’s how they stay harnessed and functional.
Mind is like iron dust. Left as it is, it spreads out. The past latches on to it. Rusts it. The past keeps itself alive as that rust. We need that dust to stay together. We need a magnet. An aim at present provides that magnet. That’s why, a purpose is important. It could be as big as reaching goals in business. That’s five years later. It could be as small as washing utensils properly. That’s right now. Purpose is everywhere. All the time. It’s a choice to have one.
– “How did he achieve so much? I’ve been his room-partner all these days. I’ve seen him doing nothing special. Just the same routine, every day.” – “You saw; but you didn’t look. Nothing special, just little things, huh? Nothing special about a trickle of little drops; but that’s what forms a scenic lake.” – “I hear these praises for consistency all the time. But my question is, HOW? How did the little things become that big success?” – “Success is merely a situation. A situation is a radio-station and we’re the radio. Make a choice frequently, and it tunes us to that frequency. His routine may seem ordinary; but it was thoughtfully planned and mindfully maintained. Each day he managed these little things. Each day he was turning it into a pattern. It got set into his unconscious; it manifested into his conscious. A solidity out of liquid reality. Success doesn’t need special action. It just needs consistently maintained direction.”
“He’s so honest usually… This wasn’t expected from him. He’s shattered, you know. Full of guilt. Before I judge him, I want to understand him.”
“Perhaps he had no access to his honesty at the time.”
“Access? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Honesty is a high value. It’s available only at a high level of integrity. Self-respect is the ladder that provides access to that level. If his self-respect was down at the time, the ladder was short. He had no access to any high values. So he opted for lower values. This isn’t an excuse for his action. This is an understanding for it.”
“I see.”
“Self-respect is a reflection of self-image. Unconsciously, we try to answer to whatever that image is. We try to ripen it. Low self-respect inspires disintegrated actions. So that they can result in yet lower self-image. It’s a loop.”
“Why the fall in self-respect?”
“False linkages. A man frauds, for his self-worth is unnecessarily linked to money. So he values the money higher than himself. When all of it collapses on his head, he gets to play the guilty drunkard, ripening his low self-image. A woman consents to cheat on her husband, maybe even when it’s not sex she seeks. Maybe her self-worth is unnecessarily linked to a man’s attention. Her husband’s lack of attention lowers her self-respect. And her lover’s attention elevates it – or so she thinks. That’s why she values the lover’s company more than her personal ethics. So that when the lover tosses her away, she can repent her actions later and play the ‘victim of life’, as her script dictates.”
“Noted.”
“It’s imperative to check if our self-worth is linked with sensible values. The rationale we use here will decide our fate.”
Meditation is tuning yourself. We can do it seated, paying attention to the rhythm of breathing. Or we can do it while in action, paying attention to the rhythm of that action. Find that rhythm. If it’s not there, put it there yourself. Remember The Karate Kid? Cleaning the compound wall with rhythmic motions? Yeah. That’s mindfulness meditation. Attentively step into that rhythm. Let it adapt you to its tune. It optimizes the result. It organizes you. Repeat it, be consistent, and you ARE it.
“I’m Not OK. The World is Not OK.” These are four possible “Life Positions”. We unconsciously believe we need to be at one of these positions to survive. We write “Scripts” for our survival. These Scripts help us begin from or arrive at one of these Life Positions. These Scripts are seen in our “Frame of Reference”: We notice only selective aspects of reality and discount other observable facts. In short, we remodel reality to suit our Script. Life is in agreeing to such Scripts and repeating them. Growth is in awakening to their usability and changing accordingly. It’s a choice. Check your life consciously. Be honest. Check if your Scripts are helping or hurting you. You’re probably in a Script when you experience a familiar, repeated feel while dealing with situations. After all, that’s what Scripts do: They show us dramas. Dramas are repeated plays, aren’t they? And of course the emotion feels “valid”. That’s what successful dramas do. They sway you with emotion. That “validity” isn’t really there. Your mind puts it in there to keep you in the Script. The moment you get that awareness, you have two choices: Stay in Script because it feels “valid”. Or consciously get out of it and choose growth.
“Sounds simple in theory. Why is it so difficult in practice? I make new choices; and yet I face same situations and same feelings. Why?”
“A correction. You don’t make new CHOICES. You merely choose new OPTIONS outside. Things. People. Places. But your internal choices remain the same. Belief. Thought. Speech. Action. Reaction. Choices have a funny tendency. They change us; but they don’t leave us. They stay in the registry entry of our brain. They stay as electrochemical notes in neurons. They set up our unconscious. They work our conscious. And if you repeat the same internal choice, you’re basically concretizing it in your brain and also its result out here in life. Be mindful of your internal choices. They define your replies to life; which in turn build that life. Life is in being conscious of choices and making choices consciously. Quality of life is in knowing what to liquidate and what to solidify.”
Counselor Apoorva 